tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10109659363204113032024-02-06T22:59:51.701-05:00Domestic Violence Intervention and EducationDiscussions and reflections on interventions for domestic violence perpetrators and related anti-oppression work.Christopher Hallhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14736385436432859371noreply@blogger.comBlogger25125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1010965936320411303.post-11296515414490896672020-06-03T12:24:00.000-04:002020-06-04T16:53:16.413-04:00Sublimation: The Weapon of MicroaggressionThe focus of this blog is on intimate partner violence. This may be the case, but many of the topics I write about, and much of the information I use to discuss these topics is intersectional with other layers of oppression. For the purposes of this post, I am going to use Intimate Partner Violence (IPV) as the example throughout, and will make a connection to current events and other oppressive layers toward the end.<br />
<br />
While this article explores sublimation as a concept, as well as how it fits into the behavior of IPV perpetrators, to ground this conversation it's important to begin by defining and considering microaggressions.<br />
<br />
Microaggressions, as a conceptual phenomena, were first identified by Chester M. Pierce in 1970 when <a href="https://div38healthpsychologist.com/2017/10/25/paying-closer-attention-to-microaggressions-and-their-consequences/" target="_blank">he put words to his experience of subtle forms of racism that are ever present</a>. A general definition of microagressions are that they consist of communications (verbal or nonverbal) toward people in oppressed groups that subtly enforce stereotypes, imply inferiority for the oppressed person's group, imply superiority of the oppressor group, and are often unconscious or unintentional behavior from someone in a privileged group (<a href="https://www.microaggressions.com/" target="_blank">several examples can be found here</a>). Further attempts to explore the mechanics behind microaggressions have yielded several additional components to the analysis. <a href="https://www.apa.org/monitor/2009/02/microaggression" target="_blank">Derald Wing Sue proposed three subcategories of microaggressions</a>:<br />
<br />
<ol>
<li><u><b>Microassaults:</b></u> consciously chosen behavior (verbal or nonverbal) by an oppressor to display disdain, disapproval, superiority, or enforce inferiority of an oppressed person. These displays are "subtle" to allow for deniability, or claim that the oppressed person "misunderstood" or took the behavior out of context - making it dangerous to an oppressed person to call out because the thrust behind the behavior is to threaten and cause fear;</li>
<li><u><b>Microinsults:</b></u> demeaning comments and behavior toward an oppressed person that seem to be complimentary yet convey rudeness, insensitivity, or an attack on the person's identity. This subcategory is challenging due to the presentation being one of support for the oppressed person, but the energy behind the behavior is to attack, which makes it difficult to call out and address as well as to defend against;</li>
<li><u><b>Microinvalidations:</b></u> subtle exclusions and dismissals of oppressed people's experiences, identities, and individuality. This subcategory is particularly insidious as it undermines an oppressed person's agency by characterizing their decisions as unimportant, their opinions irrelevant, and their behavior irrational.</li>
</ol>
In my experience, oppressors hate being called out on, or even discussing microaggressions as a concept. This is a major challenge of antioppression work overall, and intervention work specifically, as perpetrators of IPV will defend their behavior by finding others responsible, by blaming situations, or by rationalizing their own destructive patterns of behavior.<br />
<br />
It is important to consider that each of the previous subcategories end up working well for oppressors because they provide support for JUSTIFIED ATTACKS toward oppressed people, SELF-CENTERED REDIRECTION by insisting a statement was a compliment and expressing hurt due to being called out, or DEVELOPING INCREASED DISMISSAL of the oppressed person if they call out the behavior.<br />
<br />
Some examples of these dynamics from perpetrators of IPV:<br />
<ul>
<li>Comments an IPV perpetrator makes under his breath about a victim/survivor that are demeaning or blaming;</li>
<li>Making a victim/survivor flinch, then laughing about it;</li>
<li>Crude jokes at a victim/survivor's expense;</li>
<li>Undermining a victim/survivor's connections to family/friends by telling them derogatory details under a pretense of "care and concern";</li>
<li>Compliments about services the victim/survivor performs for the IPV perpetrator that have little or nothing to do with her personhood, identity, or personality;</li>
<li>Backhanded compliments that are barbed, such as "I know you're better than this," or "I know you love our children, but..."</li>
<li>"You're such a smart person, how could you do something so stupid?"</li>
<li>"That's not how it happened, and you know it!"</li>
<li>"I was only trying to help you and you got things all twisted up!"</li>
<li>"Why are you always so angry? If you weren't so angry all the time, maybe we wouldn't have all these troubles!"</li>
<li>"You can't make any decisions, then you complain when I make them for you - what do you want?"</li>
<li>Demands that the victim/survivor just tell him what to do, yet always finding reasons why those needs aren't valid, have problems, or are unfair. </li>
</ul>
Microaggressions are born out of privilege. When an individual is in an oppressor class, part of the privilege of that class is having little or no need to consider experiences of people oppressed by that layer of oppression. Often this is considered as oppressors being "blind," or that oppressed people are "invisible" (side note: there are ableist connotations to these terms which should be considered in their own right).<br />
<br />
So what do we do about this? It's a real thing, victims/survivors of IPV feel these microaggressions constantly, yet it is a huge struggle to guide perpetrators to be able to identify that their behavior is oppressive on this level. Even if a perpetrator stops all direct violence and abuse, they may continue to be indirectly abusive, entitled, controlling, and harmful on several layers that can cause fear, pain, and ongoing damage to their family, since microaggressions are a foundational layer of harm toward an oppressed person.<br />
<br />
This is, sadly where sublimation helps provide insight into why microaggressions are so pervasive within IPV and in other layers of oppressive behavior.<br />
<br />
Sublimation, in this context, is a term that is infrequently used. There are many
reasons for this, but I think it is predominantly due to the fact that
it is strongly associated with the psychoanalytic approaches of
Sigmund Freud. In general, his theory was that individuals have
inappropriate urges and to keep from doing harmful things, they have to
sublimate those urges by doing things that meet those needs in more
appropriate ways.<br />
<br />
Consider the base thrust of microaggressions - in essence they enforce entitlement by oppressor classes to feel blameless, to feel superior, to put oppressed people in their place.<br />
<br />
<i><b>I argue that all of these things are about maintaining the status quo. </b></i><br />
<br />
A reason why perpetrators of IPV continue to harm their families, and why their partners continue to stay within that relationship are that perpetrators have <b>excellent</b> radars of what they can and can't get away with. They are good at knowing where boundaries are, and how to continually push them in small increments. In fact, the best manipulators are able to lead others to think they are making their own decisions, when the manipulator has set the environment so that choice may be the only one available (or the best choice of many bad choices).<br />
<br />
The status quo of intimate partner violence is to make everything benefit the person who is abusive, oppressive, and has a pattern of ongoing harm. Even if they don't see it, ultimately that is what all these microaggressions serve to do. Keep things going the way they "should" be going (i.e. the way that serves the interest of the person being abusive).<br />
<br />
As sublimation is the process of shifting inappropriate behavior into something more appropriate - microaggressions continually serve oppressors by pushing oppressed people into a status quo where the oppressor has greater agency, control, superiority, and value. In essence, one of the driving forces of oppression is to dominate oppressed people through sublimation. The goal is to force the oppressed to sublimate their (justified) outrage/hurt/agency into passivity - force them to conform to situations that constantly benefit those with power, those with privilege. When oppressed people respond, any response they have can be stuffed into a negative stereotype which blames the oppressed for any pain or discomfort suffered by the oppressor. <br />
<br />
We're all human beings, we all have layers of privilege in different places. Think about one of those layers of privilege you have in your life. When interacting with a person who lacks the privilege you have, has there ever been a time you have said or done something you felt was a bit "off"? Maybe it was because you noticed a subtle response by that person, maybe it was because you reflected on what you did and you realized it was problematic? However you experienced that momentary reflection, were you defensive? Did you dismiss the other person's response because in your mind you had innocent intent? Did you get angry at the oppressed person's response because it made you feel bad, or at the very least uncomfortable?<br />
<br />
Considering current events, where resistance is growing toward oppressive powers, oppressive privileges, and oppressive stereotypes - how do microaggressions fit in? How do well-meaning people STILL work to sublimate the experiences of the oppressed? Here's how: "Can't you protest peacefully?" "Why do THEY have to be so destructive?" "Why can't they just follow the law?" "Can't you tell me what I can do as a white person?" "Hey, I have ideas, why don't you listen to me first?"<br />
<br />
These are ongoing complications for intervention work. They are also ongoing complications for antioppression work of all kinds.<br />
<br />
Working against microaggressions requires <b>active</b> efforts by oppressor classes. Some examples:<br />
<ol>
<li>Ask others in your oppressor class for ideas on how to be supportive of those oppressed by your privilege, or at the very least ask oppressed people what they would like to be <i><b>supported</b></i> in their efforts without taking them over;</li>
<li>REFLECT on your privilege, identify it, understand it;</li>
<li>Lend your support to oppressed people by encouraging, listening, being guided by, and following their needs, their experiences, and their ideas;</li>
<li>BELIEVE experiences of oppressed people - do not question the legitimacy of their claims;</li>
<li>Do not expect oppressed people to trust you, listen to you, agree with you, or even care about your opinions or feelings;</li>
<li>Don't make it about you;</li>
<li>Identify how you feel superior to others - this is a HUMAN trait, we all have it. If you don't think you are superior to anyone, you are lying to yourself. It is a dynamic of privilege to think you are equal to everyone despite equality only existing as a fleeting and isolated experience;</li>
<li>Identify how you think others are less than you - again, this is HUMAN. Sometimes we have superiority on a certain level, but other times we might just think certain people are somehow less valid - that's the "less than" belief, and if you know where those exist in your life, you can limit and recognize when they occur;</li>
<li>Identify where you think you DESERVE something from others - it can be small, it can be large, but like the previous two, human beings all have a sense of deserving certain things, whether it be responses, compliments, attention, resources, patterns of tradition, or any number of things that you might take for granted because you see that as just a given part of your life;</li>
<li>Constantly learn about other cultural experiences, history behind the experiences of others, and your own history that guides your beliefs and values. Find differences and honor them in yourself and others. Make other's experiences VALID, even if (especially if) they are radically different or even opposing your own.</li>
</ol>
I believe there is a great need for oppressor classes to LEVERAGE the privilege they have. I hold within my life a multitude of oppressor levels, and with that a great amount of privilege. Privilege is not bad, it is not evil, it is just the history of power a group has had that you personally are a part of (and a reflection of the priorities and values of society at large). Most privilege isn't earned, it is something you begin life with, and despite privileges shifting over time those privileges interact with each other in infinite ways. You can be ignorant to your privilege and easily be microaggressive, or you can be aware of it and use it to intervene, call out, give feedback to, and engage with other oppressors with the same privilege you have. People who are oppressed, since they are easily dismissed, insulted, attacked, and at great risk by oppressors often struggle to have the same impact. Use that privilege to empower those that have less power, encourage those who are struggling, support and listen to others you interact with, and extend as much non-judgment and self-reflection as you can during the process.<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />Christopher Hallhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14736385436432859371noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1010965936320411303.post-8799330788205539042019-07-18T16:34:00.000-04:002019-07-18T16:34:29.240-04:00Cognitive Dissonance in Intervention WorkIn my <a href="http://www.dvinterventioneducation.com/2019/07/understanding-attitudes.html" target="_blank">prior article</a>, I took information from the book <a href="https://www.amazon.com/Persuasion-Politics-Social-Psychology-Opinion/dp/0534159486" target="_blank">"Persuasion and Politics: The Social Psychology of Public Opinion," by Michael Milburn</a> to consider methods of understanding attitudes held by people who choose abusive and violent behavior in relationships. As I make my way through the text, I'm finding potential in using the material for intervention work. Writing down my analysis is going to jump around as I process, and as current events spark my desire to explore something within the book.<br />
<br />
Like any good psychology student, I remember initially learning about cognitive dissonance, and thought I understood it pretty well. In general, the theory proposes that when an individual has "belief dilemmas" where that person encounters conflict with new information, there's an effort to restore balance to beliefs by changing something within their cognition. Using a direct example from battering intervention work, if I want to control a situation and make my partner do something she does not want to do, and when I do so she becomes upset - and I notice and care about her response - then I will need to change something in my beliefs about controlling her in order to balance my desired result (that I get what I want and my partner goes along with that desire).<br />
<br />
The theory is that part of the disconnect with people who choose abusive and violent behavior has to do with not noticing impacts, or caring about their partner's response. So within battering intervention work, we make a lot of effort to raise awareness of impacts on self and others, as well as try to get individuals to be more introspective and self-aware of how chosen behavior is abusive or violent.<br />
<br />
But what if it's not that simple, and all these years that I've believed we just need to increase cognitive dissonance aren't exactly striking the chord of changing beliefs and behavior?<br />
<br />
As far back as 1958, Fritz Heider proposed "Balance Theory (p. 90 of Milburn's book)" which hypothesizes that triads of relationships that have a positive or negative attribute (valance). He proposed that balance in belief systems needs an odd number of positive relationships (either one or three) to be balanced.<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://doi.org/10.1371/journal.pone.0183696.g001" target="_blank"><img alt="https://doi.org/10.1371/journal.pone.0183696.g001" border="0" data-original-height="607" data-original-width="522" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiC6pvpn4qffOWePGSffEZTwRe9EEhsnqFvICtBiSm9-Osb8bHNS_jy-_tnyk7Fxf2y2ctuEpHsgKh0GQV2-6XFcQlOaPXIf66aaJrQ5vZ6CgXDdqSy1JAdzE_Y7T3m_M9ZAYjLzoMSgCM/s320/BalanceTheoryTriads.JPG" width="275" /></a></div>
So using current events to illustrate, with the recent <a href="https://www.cnn.com/politics/live-news/trump-racist-tweet-immigration-july-2019/index.html" target="_blank">Twitter post by President Trump sparking debate about his directly racist statement</a>, if someone supports Trump, but dislikes racism, then to create balance that person would need to either begin to disagree with or dislike Trump, or agree with or begin to like racism.<br />
<br />
The problem is that while I learned about cognitive dissonance and balance theory enough to remember them easily, <i><b>I did not remember the limitations and problems with these theories</b></i>.<br />
<br />
One limitation, and it's a big one, is that <i><b>when fear or hatred is involved (very strong negative attitudes), individual's cognitions may persist as imbalanced.</b></i> I cannot count the number of times I have worked with individuals in BIP who hate their ex-partner with such passion that they are unable and unwilling to consider how the damage they cause in that relationships directly damages relationships with their own children with their ex-partner. That hatred is so strong there is no motivation to consider personal choices that are abusive or violent, but rather there is a highly targeted focus on that ex-partner's behavior and why it is wrong.<br />
<br />
This means that within intervention work, we need to more strongly consider methods of confronting hatred. Trying to convince someone to have empathy toward a person they hate is most likely going to be unsuccessful because the imbalance in cognition is going to be accepted. No matter the potential harm to themselves and others, an individual entrenched in their hatred will most likely be unable to shift their behavior toward respect and health.<br />
<br />
A second limitation has to do with situations wherein an individual holds two strongly held beliefs that contradict each other. The text suggests that researchers were at a loss to account for this inconsistency in beliefs, but offers some suggestions on how people resolve belief dilemmas that may offer insight into how someone can maintain two strongly held beliefs that contradict.<br />
<br />
<u><b>Resolution of Belief Dilemmas:</b></u><br />
<ol>
<li><b>DENIAL:</b> This is the simplest way to eliminate inconsistencies in belief systems, and anyone who works within intervention understands this. You can enter into denial by changing the way one of the objects is valued, or by denying the relationship between the two objects of denial. Fortunately, this is also the weakest method of resolving belief dilemmas, and denial will break down if there are too many inconsistencies, or if there is too much conflicting evidence of other possible beliefs. In general, BIP does a decent job of confronting denial through both methods - introducing and reflecting on inconsistent beliefs, and by offering evidence of the impacts of abusive and violent behavior. </li>
<li><b>BOLSTERING:</b> When someone adds additional elements to an inconsistent pair of beliefs that serve to overpower another belief system, they bolster one side of the belief dilemma in such a way that the dilemma ends. This is a common challenge in BIP classes, and it is mostly framed as "collusion." When group participants support entitled belief systems, they often do so to bolster their individual sense of being right, and diminish the sense that their partner's perspective matters. Again, in general, BIP is decent at addressing bolstering behavior, and working to get class participants to hold each other to a higher standard - to discuss respectful and healthy beliefs, and bolster the side of the belief dilemma that supports changing behavior. It can be useful to be more cognizant of this process, and why individuals use it to continue hurtful behavior, and also to understand how a focus on discussing respectful and healthy alternatives serves to bolster in a positive way.</li>
<li><b>DIFFERENTIATION:</b> A divide and conquer technique, this resolution involves separating two belief systems into a pair that is consistent, and a pair that is inconsistent - therefore creating an illusion of balance. There are methods used in BIP to exploit differentiation, and I am not sure I fully agree with the technique, but the <a href="http://www.no2violence.com/about-us" target="_blank">ManAlive</a> approach is probably the easiest to describe. As a part of their curriculum, they have individuals in classes identify their "Hit Man" which consists of all the abusive, violent, entitled, and hurtful belief systems. Individuals in the class then compare that to healthy, respectful, and supportive belief systems in an attempt to diminish harm. I am concerned that this can potentially create that illusion of balance rather than actually creating balance by changing beliefs - but I am also willing to recognize that if someone is able to diminish hurtful belief systems through this analysis then that's important work.</li>
<li><b>TRANSCENDENCE: </b>Methods of analyzing belief systems sometimes involve creating reasoning for the beliefs themselves. This in essence is transcendence of the inconsistencies themselves. The example Milburn uses invokes religious perspectives of God, and a dilemma that if God is perceived as pure good, how can God allow evil to exist? To transcend this dilemma, individuals explain this by considering the concept of "free will" and how it's not God allowing evil, but rather individual people choosing the path of evil. By coming up with this reason, it dissolves the dilemma. Consider how frequently individual participants in BIP want to come up with reasons for their behavior, and how often it focuses on a reason that blames others. In BIP, the methods of using transcendence could involve discussing entitlement and how believing you are better than others, believing others are less than you, and believing you deserve something from others allows individuals to be abusive and violent. If that is the reason for hurting others, then it is reasonable to address entitlement and begin to dismantle it to instead create support and care for a partner and for children. </li>
</ol>
A caveat to these resolutions is that the researcher who founded the <a href="https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/10.1177/002200275900300403" target="_blank">"Modes of Resolutions of Belief Dilemmas," R.P. Abelson</a>, stated that for people whom believe politics are important will likely be more motivated to resolve belief dilemmas than those who do not. This is very true for BIP work, as facilitators will often be focused on change, responsibility, and accountability while participants may not be interested in any of those things. This is why taking a <a href="https://www.integration.samhsa.gov/clinical-practice/motivational-interviewing" target="_blank">motivational interviewing</a> approach can be so beneficial. <br />
<br />
Further discussion points out that attitudes that are important to an individual are more stable than those that are less important. So in essence, instilling a sense of importance to be respectful and healthy could go a long way toward motivating change in people who choose abusive behavior. The challenge is that often a sense of righteousness is much more important to entitled individuals than health and respect. This means that BIP facilitators need to be mindful of topics that participants are less knowledgeable of. Often this is in topics of respect and health, and while it is important to focus on and discuss abusive and violent behavior, individuals who have been abusive or violent often believe their innocence is the most important attitude, and will find several ways to prove that innocence and ignore identifying how they have been abusive or violent. If we can bolster health and respect, it is more likely that individuals who are closely tied to their belief of innocence will relax those beliefs enough to find methods of change. <a href="https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/0022103188900388" target="_blank">Researcher Jon Krosnick</a> suggests that when there are two attitudes of equal importance, the above belief resolutions become possible, but in general people will only change their less important beliefs.<br />
<br />
When considering how much we focus on belief change in BIP, we need to be much more aware of how this happens. Ableson suggested in his work on cognitive dissonance that beliefs are like possessions - that people hold on to them, value them, and are often reluctant to let them go. It's possible to directly influence changes in beliefs the more we can shift how people view what's important, and how they can connect with alternate perspectives. Entitlement is often very strong for people who choose abuse and violence, and as a result, this entitlement is also of high importance to them. It's possible to create a stronger importance in respect and health, and how we navigate those discussions can make all the difference.Christopher Hallhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14736385436432859371noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1010965936320411303.post-24971000318159662582019-07-10T12:31:00.000-04:002019-07-11T09:54:24.107-04:00Understanding Attitudes in BIP WorkI'm starting school again this fall, working toward my Ph.D. in Educational Research Methodologies at the <a href="https://soe.uncg.edu/academics/departments/erm/erm-programs/ph-d-in-educational-research-measurement-and-evaluation/" target="_blank">University of North Carolina: Greensboro</a>. A big part of that work will involve learning how to accomplish program evaluations, and in creating and understanding measurement tools. It's been my experience that much of the research in intimate partner violence has been heavily skewed toward using recidivism rates to determine "success," and that tools have been relatively poor for assessing abusiveness in a relationship.<br />
<br />
As I prepare to get into the thick of things in school, I've been preparing myself in a number of ways. Mostly by taking time to relax before being incredibly busy and overwhelmed, but also by prepping my thinking about research and the problems I have seen by reading the book, <a href="https://www.amazon.com/Persuasion-Politics-Social-Psychology-Opinion/dp/0534159486" target="_blank">"Persuasion and Politics: The Social Psychology of Public Opinion" by Michael A. Milburn</a>. I'm not sure how I heard about the book, and despite its age (published in 1991) I thought it might be interesting to learn more about how political psychologists do research on public opinion and measure people's identification of their values. I think there's a great overlap in domestic violence work and political research. Take this following quote from the introduction:<br />
<br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<i>"...one cannot even begin to understand where political attitudes come from and how they change unless one understands this fundamental truth: Attitudes and behavior are a function of an interactive process between the internal - or what people carry around with them: personality, knowledge, and belief structures - and the external - or what is brought to them from the outside: the influence exerted by other individuals in conversations and through the mass media. Thus there is a dialectical and ongoing interactive process between internal and external forces. Overemphasis or sole emphasis on either the internal or the external forces leads to an incomplete analysis of the dynamics of public opinion (Milburn, 1991, p. 1-2)."</i></blockquote>
<br />
For me, this quote fits perfectly into how good domestic violence intervention work begins. Both internal and external factors need to be discussed and understood both within individuals in the classes, but also from the group process as a whole. To check my biases, and to establish my focus while reading the book, I outlined some fundamental assumptions I have about people who choose abusive and violent behavior in relationships:<br />
<br />
<ol>
<li>Most are decent and reasonable people in many layers of their lives;</li>
<li>Most will hide patterns of abusive/violent behavior out of feeling ashamed and having a fear of consequences;</li>
<li>An accumulation of hurtful behavior influences that individual's values and attitudes;</li>
<li>When confronted with the reality of hurtful choices and consequences in a humanistic way, individual people who have been abusive/violent may begin to shift their beliefs and patterns of harm.</li>
</ol>
In political psychology, there is a constant drive to seek out "public opinion" on various topics. The aggregate of several people's opinion are measured to discover an overall general opinion, and I believe we do this when we analyze participants in BIP in a broad manner. However, individual participants will have values and beliefs that are fluid based on individual relationship dynamics, and these beliefs may shift over time - creating some direct analytical similarities between measuring "public opinion" and in measuring overall understanding of people who are abusive. In fact, finding ways to measure attitudes of abusive individuals could lead to a better understanding of how to assess risk and overall patterns of harm.<br />
<br />
Milburn discusses that a part of the difficulty of measuring attitudes is that we tend to assume that we can measure someone's attitude on a topic by simply asking. For some people, this may be true, particularly for attitudes on something an individual cares about, or is central to their personality. <i><b>With many other people, however, attitudes cannot be measured, because they haven't made a verbal statement of them, even in their own minds. </b></i>In BIP classes, we confront individuals with questions designed to tease out their attitudes, but in most cases these attitudes are generated following a cognitive review of their knowledge, information, and beliefs about a situation. We're asking people who choose abusive behavior to confront their thinking over behavior that may have had little conscious thought beforehand. Little recognition of beliefs, attitude, and patterns that drove that choice to abuse and to be violent.<br />
<br />
Think what that means for research on domestic violence. If an individual abuser hasn't consciously considered personal choice and patterns of behavior, asking questions about abusive and violent attitudes aren't going to be particularly enlightening, because they will not have identified themselves in those terms.<br />
<br />
I have seen this firsthand over the years. At <a href="https://www.emergedv.com/materials.html" target="_blank">Emerge</a>, there is a tool called the "Violent and Controlling Behavior Checklist," which is used at program entry and at program completion. I did some brief measurement of number of identified behaviors at both points and the numbers showed approximately double identification of hurtful behavior after completing the program. Several reasons may be attributed to this, but the ones I tend to think of are that first off the list of behavior is really hard to acknowledge. So people are hesitant to check off everything they have done when first starting out. Also, many of the behavior on the checklist don't resonate with people upon entry - that is they don't fully understand them and don't see how they might have done those behavior, even when they consciously understand the terms being used on the form.<br />
<br />
Milburn outlines some of the concepts behind measurement of attitudes by distinguishing between the <i><b>direction</b></i> of an attitude (positive or negative) and the <i><b>strength</b></i> of the attitude (strong or weak). Behind that there are three components of attitudes: <i><b>cognitive</b></i> (what a person believes about an object), <i><b>affective</b></i> (how the person feels toward the object), and <i><b>behavioral</b></i> (how the person expects to behave toward the object). These three components are linearly related to the behavior in which a person engages.<br />
<br />
Think of the layering of attitudes in a BIP class session. Attitude toward the class? Probably a mix of negative and positive, strong and weak. Cognitive beliefs about the class might be that it's a waste of time, is all about the money, is helpful, makes you think, and several others. Affective beliefs might include curiosity, frustration, apathy, interest, and a blend of a multitude of other emotional responses based on the topic discussed. Behavioral beliefs (which I have heard participants describe over time) are expectations of just sitting through the class and saying nothing, thoughts that it's going to be a waste of time and the class will lead to a lot of arguing, plans on being compliant and just making the facilitator do what you want them to - and all these things because in our minds we have plans of behavior when facing unknown circumstances. Again, since attitudes are not established until after analyzing and reflecting on beliefs and making verbal statements about them - it takes time to even process attitudes about BIP classes as a whole. In a completely unscientific analysis at Emerge, I and my co-facilitators would estimate that on average, participants would take about 10-18 classes before they got to a point of understanding the point of the classes it to work to improve respect and health in relationships - not to shame, ridicule, or attack people. Yet, if one were to simply assess attitudes by asking questions to participants early on, chances are much of that understanding would be negative and discouraging about the impact BIP has on the participants.<br />
<br />
In the "theory of reasoned action" by Fishburn and Ajzen (in 1975 and 1981), beliefs about the consequences of a particular behavior are linked to the <b>value</b> that a person puts on each outcome. When an individual is able to evaluate outcomes of behavior, and understand their beliefs behind those outcomes - they become more able to see their attitudes. However, when an individual believes that other people might approve or disapprove of a behavior, that person may or may not have motivation to comply due to a perceived subjective norm. In essence, since our society doesn't have strong attitudes against non-physical harms and control in relationships, many of those behavior don't get considered. It's when people choose to physically harm their partner that alarms go off. So these two dynamics indicate that for the most part perpetrators of domestic and sexual violence will easily ignore the outcomes of hurtful behavior unless it is extreme. And even then, there are such a pattern of other hurtful and controlling behavior that have built, the extremes don't seem to be about their beliefs - but rather the behavior of others.<br />
<br />
Is it any wonder that the most critical point for intervention is at the start of any work?<br />
<br />
The next factor to consider in work with people who have chosen abusive and violent behavior is the "state of consciousness fallacy (Bennett 1980)." In essence, many researchers fall prey to thinking groups of people are a fixed entity whose composition remains the same over time and for different issues. Often, researchers will assume that opinions and behavior of abusers are informed (during BIP classes), stable (in their opinions/values), or consistent (same for all abusers). In domestic violence research, I haven't seen many researchers consider that domestic violence offenders are incredibly ill informed about hurtful behavior in relationships (even during/after BIP classes), are very inconsistent in their attitudes and beliefs, and are highly changeable over time in several different ways. Asking questions on a Likert's style 1-5 rating test aren't going to give you outcomes that are particularly useful because of these inconsistencies.<br />
<br />
Recently, on the <a href="https://groups.google.com/a/biscmi.org/forum/#!forum/aquila" target="_blank">AQUILA listserv</a>,
there has been some discussion about use of the term "batterer" and how
that can be construed as name calling.The responses have done everything from reflecting on the history of addressing domestic violence, to the power of nuance, to the suggestion of methods to move beyond labeling.<br />
<br />
Referencing the "state of consciousness fallacy," I think we're in a weird place on this issue. In general, most of the "public" are incredibly ill-informed about domestic violence, both in understanding victimization issues, but also in understanding perpetrators. Even among the community of professional intervention workers, our opinions are rather unstable between individuals, and in public the stable opinions I would imagine are dehumanizing about both victims/survivors and perpetrators. I can certainly admit that I fluctuate between an opinion of not using that term, but also in acknowledging that it is an accepted and readily used term within research and writing which leads to me using "batterer" or "abuser" (in fact, in this article I have fluctuated between both options several times). In general, opinions of the term are incredibly inconsistent between professionals as well.<br />
<br />
The term is complicated, partly due to history, partly due to overall society having very few nuanced opinions about intimate partner violence. Even the term "domestic violence" is problematic the more we find that non-intimate partner domestic violence cases get referred for BIP.<br />
<br />
It is going to be important to continue this dialog about terms we use, but it's also going to be critical to consider how attitudes fit into our work, and how many things we take for granted have several problems. If we ignore those problems, we're going to have a hard time moving forward in our work.<br />
<br />
I plan on writing more about what I am finding in this book. The next article will focus a bit more on problems in domestic violence research stemming from sampling errors, response rates, question wording, and social factors in public opinion.<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />Christopher Hallhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14736385436432859371noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1010965936320411303.post-86653638000085409312019-03-13T11:24:00.000-04:002019-04-15T11:10:54.827-04:00Merging Efforts: The Intersections of Domestic Violence Intervention, Men, and Masculinities<i><b>*The following is a published journal article with citation: "<span class="cls-response" id="cls-response">Hall, C. M. (2019). Merging Efforts: The Intersections of Domestic Violence Intervention, Men, and Masculinities. Men and Masculinities, 22(1), 104–112. <a href="https://doi.org/10.1177/1097184X18805565">https://doi.org/10.1177/1097184X18805565</a>"</span></b></i><br />
<br />
<div class="hlFld-Title">
<div class="publicationContentTitle">
<h1>
Merging Efforts: The Intersections of Domestic Violence Intervention, Men, and Masculinities
</h1>
</div>
</div>
<div class="copyrightStatement">
</div>
<div class="articleMetaDrop publicationContentDropZone" data-pb-dropzone="articleMetaDropZone">
</div>
<div class="publicationContentAuthors">
<div class="author-container js__articleAuthorContainer" data-author-container-selector=".NLM_contrib-group" data-authorname-selector=".contribDegrees > .entryAuthor" data-max-authors="5">
<div class="authors">
<div class="hlFld-ContribAuthor">
<span class="contribDegrees"><a aria-label="Open contributor information pop-up for Christopher M. Hall" class="entryAuthor" href="https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/10.1177/1097184X18805565"> Christopher M. Hall</a></span></div>
</div>
</div>
</div>
<span class="publicationContentEpubDate dates">
<b>First Published </b> March 12, 2019
</span><br />
<div class="sectionInfo abstractSectionHeading">
<h2 class="sectionHeading">
Abstract</h2>
</div>
<div class="abstractSection abstractInFull">
Feminist-focused
activism and domestic violence services have grown in tandem, both
developing analysis of systemic interventions for abusive men and in
men’s role to address violence against women. Research on men and
masculinities create a space for enhancing the view of toxic and healthy
masculinities; however, analysis of masculinities without specific
discussion on topics of intersectionality can avoid directly addressing
men's violent behavior. There is a growing need to combine two focal
points of work: honoring the foundations of anti-oppression work by
encouraging non-abusive men to address their entitlement and disconnect
from women, and motivating domestically abusive and violent men to
choose respectful behavior that integrates healthy masculinities.
Consideration for LGBTQ+ analysis of masculinities and opportunities for
combined work are also explored.</div>
<div class="abstractKeywords">
<div class="hlFld-KeywordText">
<b>Keywords </b><a class="attributes" href="https://journals.sagepub.com/keyword/Domestic+Violence">domestic violence</a>, <a class="attributes" href="https://journals.sagepub.com/keyword/Masculinities">masculinities</a>, <a class="attributes" href="https://journals.sagepub.com/keyword/Intervention">intervention</a>, <a class="attributes" href="https://journals.sagepub.com/keyword/Intersections">intersections</a>, <a class="attributes" href="https://journals.sagepub.com/keyword/Collaboration">collaboration</a>, <a class="attributes" href="https://journals.sagepub.com/keyword/Men%E2%80%99s+Rights+Activism">men’s rights activism</a>, <a class="attributes" href="https://journals.sagepub.com/keyword/Leveraging+Privilege">leveraging privilege</a></div>
</div>
<br />
Domestic
violence intervention work, often focused on cis-male heterosexual
offenders, faces challenges from community support and from offenders
themselves when media, individuals, and researchers believe that such
men are incapable of change. In doing work to end violence in
relationships and to reduce toxic masculinities, change agents must
believe in the possibility of working toward respect, health, and
progress. The process of this change can be explored more concretely
through a strong foundation and connection to women’s and gender
studies, and domestic violence work needs to continue this connection
rather than forgetting or abandoning it.<br />
<div class="NLM_sec NLM_sec_level_1" id="section1-1097184X18805565">
<a href="https://www.blogger.com/u/1/null" name="_i2"></a><br />
<div class="sectionInfo">
<h2 class="sectionHeading">
Male Privilege without Depth: Challenges with Domestic Violence Work</h2>
</div>
The
history of domestic violence intervention work involves initial efforts
at Emerge: Counseling and Education to Stop Domestic Violence in 1977,
with several other initiatives starting soon after to address men’s
violence against women (<a class="ref showRefEvent2" data-referenceslink="
Adams David. 2003. “Treatment Programs for Batterers.” Clinics in Family Practice 5:171." data-reflink="_i6" data-rid="bibr1-1097184X18805565" href="https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/10.1177/1097184X18805565#">Adams 2003</a>, p. 171).<br />
<br />
The
most identified and well-known domestic violence intervention program,
the Domestic Abuse Intervention Program, also known as “the Duluth
model” started in 1984 when Ellen Pence and Michael Paymar interviewed
female victims of domestic violence and categorized experiences of harm
within their “Power and Control Wheel (PCW).” While overall, their
approach was designed to involve community involvement, coordination,
and systemic review, classroom-style groups of domestic violence
offenders focus on using the PCW to educate about their abusive and
violent behavior in conjunction with a “control log” activity.<br />
<br />
Since
the early 2000s, national domestic violence intervention programs such
as Emerge and Duluth have attempted to create a broader humanistic
approach: Emerge through the use of motivational interviewing approaches
and Duluth through a greater focus on their “respect and equality”
wheel. Both programs have stressed the need to focus on the change they
want to see in abusers, but dissemination of this approach is difficult
within agencies and groups that lack coordination and communication with
progress and advances outside of their own communities.<br />
<br />
Part of
the challenge faced by domestic violence intervention has to do with
Duluth’s PCW, which identifies a category of control and harm labeled as
“male privilege,” which includes examples such as “treating her like a
servant,” “making all the big decisions,” “acting like the ‘master of
the castle,’” and “being the one to define men’s and women’s roles” (<a class="ref showRefEvent2" data-referenceslink="
Domestic Abuse Intervention Programs. 2014a. “The Duluth Model: Power and Control Wheel.” Accessed July 28, 2016. http://www.theduluthmodel.org/pdf/PowerandControl.pdf." data-reflink="_i6" data-rid="bibr4-1097184X18805565" href="https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/10.1177/1097184X18805565#">Domestic Abuse Intervention Programs 2014a</a>).
While this wedge of the PCW is designed to be a starting point to
discuss toxic masculinity and other forms of oppressive and entitled
behavior, the challenge becomes that if individual interventionists do
not have a nuanced understanding of men and masculinities, or a greater
connection to community collaboration as practiced by the Duluth model
itself, discussions and interventions can potentially become
demotivational, alienating, and dismissive of respectful and healthy
masculinities.<br />
<br />
The Duluth model, in its work to be more focused on
respect and equality, has engaged men by considering “shared
responsibility,” but the challenge is that interventionists outside of
the Duluth model itself often do not directly address oppressive beliefs
and behavior behind toxic masculinities. Suggested items in the “shared
responsibility” wedge include “mutually agreeing on a fair distribution
of work” and “making family decisions together” (<a class="ref showRefEvent2" data-referenceslink="
Domestic Abuse Intervention Programs. 2014b. “The Duluth Model: Respect and Equality Wheel.” Accessed July 28, 2016. http://www.theduluthmodel.org/pdf/Equality.pdf." data-reflink="_i6" data-rid="bibr5-1097184X18805565" href="https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/10.1177/1097184X18805565#">Domestic Abuse Intervention Programs 2014b</a>).
Individual group facilitators might be able to have an engaging and
thought-provoking discussion about sexism, heterosexism, classism, and
other oppressions that become domestically violent, but again the
responsibility and skill are totally dependent on that individual
interventionist.<br />
<br />
The Emerge model engaged in a more “political
activist” approach in the 1990s, addressing oppressive language and
calling abusers out on attitudes and beliefs that were hurtful. While
Emerge lacks a concrete display such as the PCW, there are lesson plans
addressing “the effects of domestic violence on women” and
“disrespectful/respectful communication.” However, like the Duluth
model, Emerge does not have any lessons which directly engage abusers in
discussions of healthy and respectful masculinity, although it does
have opportunities within discussions on respectful communication,
exploring effects of domestic violence on women and children, and a
consideration of what counts as abuse and violence.<br />
<br />
One of the
early domestic violence intervention programs, the Oakland Men’s
Project, cofounded by Paul Kivel and Allan Creighton made several
efforts to engage men in discussions of toxic and healthy masculinities
in the form of the “Act Like a Man Box” and avoided use of terms such as
“batterer intervention” instead choosing to call their interventions
“Men’s Work.” Their call to engage all men in the work to end violence
against women and girls has been mirrored by other organizations and
efforts, but that work is often separate from direct interventions.<br />
<br />
Domestic
violence intervention shares many overlaps with research on men and
masculinities, in some ways being a practical extension of that work.
However, there is little interaction between the two groups, and to
build effective interventions and more directly change toxic
masculinities in male domestic violence offenders, this connection needs
to be stronger and more direct. Part of the challenge in these
connections involves the varied training requirements throughout the
nation for domestic violence intervention work. State standards and
protocols for programs and individual facilitators vary greatly;
Colorado has 150 pages of rules (including detailed evaluation
components), while three states have no guidelines whatsoever.<br />
<br />
There
are several reasons why states have created standards, but many do so
through court and legislative rulings requiring that individual abusers
receive education, intervention, or counseling as a consequence for
domestic violence criminal offenses. This creates a certain quality of
care for programs, but since this quality is so different between sites,
and monitoring of these standards is often minimal, holding individuals
and programs to a standard of analysis is very difficult.<br />
<br />
As
domestic violence is not a mental health issue, it invites analysis that
considers belief systems, values, and meaning and where those interplay
with toxic, unhealthy, disrespectful, violent, and abusive behavior. As
much of the work has focused on where gender role training fits into
those beliefs, there is opportunity for natural overlaps between this
research and progress. Getting past the issues behind standards of
programs and requirements for practitioners could be an excellent
opportunity for future work.</div>
<div class="NLM_sec NLM_sec_level_1" id="section2-1097184X18805565">
<a href="https://www.blogger.com/u/1/null" name="_i3"></a><br />
<div class="sectionInfo">
<h2 class="sectionHeading">
Extrapolation without Depth: Concerns with Men and Masculinities Work</h2>
</div>
Gender
studies as an area of research and study has long focused on feminism,
as well as LGBTQ+ studies. As time has led to differentiation between
the two focal areas, both have often supported each other and worked
together within their realms of research. There has been tension and
distrust from both groups as masculinities studies have gained ground,
influence, and garnered financial support.<br />
A major source of this
distrust can be seen in part as coming from elements of men’s studies
that is directly and/or indirectly connected to Men’s Rights Activist
(MRA) groups. These groups work to portray men as victims of women,
victims of society, and victims of other men. Masculinities studies has
opportunities to denounce and work directly against such groups by
providing research and discussion that keeps men’s potential for
violence in the foreground.<br />
<br />
Molly Dragiewicz, a sociologist and
noted researcher of MRAs, notes when reviewing “Some Men,” a book about
men’s experiences in doing antiviolence work, “Some men interviewed in
this chapter raise concerns about the use of antiviolence publicity as
window dressing to disguise an underlying lack of commitment to
organizational policies to address men’s violence against women and the
structures that engender it” (<a class="ref showRefEvent2" data-referenceslink="
Dragiewicz M. 2016. “Some Men: Feminist Allies and the Movement to End Violence against Women.” American Journal of Sociology 122:311–13." data-reflink="_i6" data-rid="bibr6-1097184X18805565" href="https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/10.1177/1097184X18805565#">Dragiewicz 2016</a>, p. 312).<br />
<br />
But
why is it that men are challenged by taking a more direct and visible
role in calling out violence as a part of toxic masculinities? Sebastián
Molano wrote about some of the challenges faced by men by stating,
“Many of the men (including me) working on gender issues are
self-taught. We have arrived in the gender landscape as a result of
different circumstances but rarely due to an ingrained interest. This is
explained, typically, as men enjoying a series of privileges that do
not push them to question the status quo” (<a class="ref showRefEvent2" data-referenceslink="
Molano S. 2015, November 19. “Partnership & Accountability Blog Series: The Risks of Men Talking about Gender.” Accessed September 28, 2018. http://menengage.blogspot.com/2015/11/the-risks-of-men-talking-about-gender.html." data-reflink="_i6" data-rid="bibr12-1097184X18805565" href="https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/10.1177/1097184X18805565#">Molano, 2015</a>).<br />
<br />
This
mirrors the challenge with domestic violence intervention work, where
engaging men in respectful and healthy masculinities reflections or in
confronting toxic masculinities does not necessarily have any sort of
guidelines, standards, or rules of foundation, training, or engagement.
Molano goes on to state, “men who work on gender issues do not tend to
have a solid conceptual framework on gender issues, vis-à-vis women.
This affects their credibility but most importantly, it is exposed when
men who are working on these issues try to build bridges of
collaboration with women’s organizations.”<br />
<br />
<i>Men and Masculinities</i>
studies need collaborations with feminist organizations and need the
analysis of gender through the lens of privilege and power men hold over
women. The expansion of that lens to consider the intersectionality of
other oppressions needs to be continued.<br />
<br />
Research on
intersectional oppression and the perceptions of invisibility
experienced by marginalized individuals can provide guidance in
understanding how women’s experiences are easily overlooked by men. In
exploring social invisibility, Pérez and Passini found that the more
areas of privilege that individuals held, the easier it was to overlook
or avoid people without privilege. Their research focused on multiple
layers of identity, including gender and sexism, and their conclusion
was that, “participants avoid visual interaction with people belonging
to social minorities, presumably in order to prevent them from seeing
themselves through the eyes with which the minority would see them” (<a class="ref showRefEvent2" data-referenceslink="
Pérez J. A., Passini S. 2012. “Avoiding Minorities: Social Invisibility.” European Journal of Social Psychology 42:864–74. doi: 10.1002/ejsp.1889." data-reflink="_i6" data-rid="bibr14-1097184X18805565" href="https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/10.1177/1097184X18805565#">Pérez & Passini 2012</a>, p. 873).<br />
<br />
Since
2017, when #MeToo gained international attention and sparked an
increase in awareness and validation for women who are sexually and
physically victimized by men, the invisibility has been waning,
particularly as Sandra M. Gilbert notes:<br />
<br />
<div class="quote">
Thousands
and thousands of victims are cafeteria workers, file clerks,
undergraduate and graduate students, ambitious young paralegals and
overworked line cooks, electricians and rookie cops, junior high school
students, and even, God help us, younger girls, sometimes even
kindergartners. The labyrinth is the quotidian workplace—the winding
corridors of the school or the office, where sexual aggression all too
often accompanies power. (<a class="ref showRefEvent2" data-referenceslink="
“In the Labyrinth of #MeToo: Addressing Sexual Aggression and Power in Contemporary Society Also Means Questioning What the Feminist Movement Has Really Been About.” (Cover story). American Scholar, 2018, vol. 87, 14–25." data-reflink="_i6" data-rid="bibr10-1097184X18805565" href="https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/10.1177/1097184X18805565#">American Scholar 2018</a>, p. 18)</div>
With
this rise of visibility, masculinities studies has an opportunity to
join with domestic violence researchers in assessing appropriate
responses to offenders, discussing the impacts of men’s violence on
women and children, and overall working to provide avenues for repair.<br />
<br />
Unfortunately,
with the arrival of Donald Trump as President of the United States of
America, the landscape of masculinities in overall US culture may have
serious shifts toward attitudes of entitlement and traditional gender
roles, embracing foundations of toxic masculinity that are fundamental
aspects of MRA belief systems. This creates a need to be intentional in
having conversations with MRA individuals and groups to find methods of
analyzing toxic masculinities and to possibly learn more about shifting
beliefs toward healthy and respectful alternatives.<br />
<br />
As a part of working toward respectful and healthy shifts, <i>Men and Masculinities</i>
(and domestic violence) studies need to be cautious to remember how
gender intersects with other categories of oppression, otherwise it can
potentially lead to other forms of invisibility within the work. Chris
Beasley notes ,“specifically naming violence as ‘the problem of men’,
with regard to violence in communities which face racist
marginalisation, is not straightforward. The strategy may be viewed as
not so much as ensuring men are rendered responsible but as potentially
eliding histories of racism/colonialism, thereby ensuring that dominant
white cultures are not associated with responsibility” (<a class="ref showRefEvent2" data-referenceslink="
Beasley C. 2015. “Caution! Hazards Ahead: Considering the Potential Gap between Feminist Thinking and Men/Masculinities Theory and Practice.” Journal of Sociology 51:566–81. doi: 10.1177/1440783314553317." data-reflink="_i6" data-rid="bibr3-1097184X18805565" href="https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/10.1177/1097184X18805565#">Beasley 2015</a>, p. 574).<br />
<br />
A
focus on toxic masculinities still needs to be balanced with
understanding healthy and respectful masculinities, and while there have
been several attempts to be more positive about men, careful balance is
critical. Englar-Carlson names the challenge of working within that
balance:<br />
<div class="quote">
For many individuals, the idea of
empowering men or identifying strengths may seem foreign or downright
antithetical to someone who is working to reduce male power, privilege,
and sexism. A central concern could be that advocating for a positive
psychology of men, or positive masculinity, may gloss over the dark side
of masculinity and may be associated with supporting patriarchal
structures. (<a class="ref showRefEvent2" data-referenceslink="
Englar-Carlson M., Kiselica M. S. 2013. “Affirming the Strengths in Men: A Positive Masculinity Approach to Assisting Male Clients.’ Journal of Counseling & Development 91:399–409. doi: 10.1002/j.1556-6676.2013.00111.x." data-reflink="_i6" data-rid="bibr7-1097184X18805565" href="https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/10.1177/1097184X18805565#">Englar-Carlson & Kiselica 2013</a>, p. 401)</div>
Englar-Carlson offers an example of maintaining both the sense of the toxic and the sense of the healthy:<br />
<br />
<div class="quote">
Loyalty
is commonly identified among men as a desirable trait because it can
strengthen relationships, build trust, and show support of others.
However, when used in a rigid manner, loyalty has the potential to
reinforce traditional positions of male privilege (e.g., protecting
other men at the expense of truth and justice) and mask independent
thinking. It is the ability to be flexible in the enactment of male
strengths and knowing when it is adaptive that is critical. (<a class="ref showRefEvent2" data-referenceslink="
Englar-Carlson M., Kiselica M. S. 2013. “Affirming the Strengths in Men: A Positive Masculinity Approach to Assisting Male Clients.’ Journal of Counseling & Development 91:399–409. doi: 10.1002/j.1556-6676.2013.00111.x." data-reflink="_i6" data-rid="bibr7-1097184X18805565" href="https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/10.1177/1097184X18805565#">Englar-Carlson & Kiselica 2013</a>, p. 402)</div>
Being
flexible is crucial in understanding the ways behavior, gender role
training, and even violence itself can be potentially toxic and
destructive, but also where it may be healthy or embody a context
wherein the violence is protective to self or others. Research and
writing needs to be careful to nuance approaches and make sure both
sides are considered.</div>
<div class="NLM_sec NLM_sec_level_1" id="section3-1097184X18805565">
<a href="https://www.blogger.com/u/1/null" name="_i4"></a><br />
<div class="sectionInfo">
<h2 class="sectionHeading">
Cautions and Differences: Masculinities Work and Sexuality</h2>
</div>
Intersectional
overlaps need to be intentional by including the experiences of
Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgender, Queer (LGBTQ) community and other
nonbinary sexualities. While masculinities papers and research often
consider, or even focus on, gay masculinities, an aspect of sexualities
that is missing both within domestic violence intervention and
masculinities work is a more expansive focus on sexuality beyond
heterosexual/homosexual/bisexual.<br />
<br />
Research on asexuality is
scarce, and testing instruments on sexuality often ignore or minimize
asexual spectrums of sexual identity and sexual orientation (<a class="ref showRefEvent2" data-referenceslink="
Hinderliter A. C. 2009. “Methodological Issues for Studying Asexuality.” Archives of Sexual Behavior 38:619–21. doi: 10.1007/s10508-009-9502-x." data-reflink="_i6" data-rid="bibr9-1097184X18805565" href="https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/10.1177/1097184X18805565#">Hinderliter 2009</a>);
although there has been some work on developing scales to measure
asexuality more recently, relying on open-ended questioning (<a class="ref showRefEvent2" data-referenceslink="
Yule M. A., Brotto L. A., Gorzalka B. B. 2015. “A Validated Measure of No Sexual Attraction: The Asexuality Identification Scale.” Psychological Assessment 27:148–60. doi: 10.1037/a0038196." data-reflink="_i6" data-rid="bibr15-1097184X18805565" href="https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/10.1177/1097184X18805565#">Yule, Brotto, & Gorzalka 2015</a>).
Initially, sexuality research looked at a spectrum from heterosexual to
homosexual and categorized any other sexuality as the “X category” (<a class="ref showRefEvent2" data-referenceslink="
Kinsey A. C., Pomeroy W. B., Martin C. E. 1948. “Sexual Behavior in the Human Male.” Journal of Clinical Psychology 4:314." data-reflink="_i6" data-rid="bibr11-1097184X18805565" href="https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/10.1177/1097184X18805565#">Kinsey, Pomeroy, & Martin 1948</a>).
In more recent times, considerations of sexual orientation as something
distinctly separate from romantic orientation have been discussed and
expanded within asexual communities.<br />
<br />
Asexuality sites fiercely
debate aspects of sexuality needing to include “romantic orientation” as
being separate from “sexual orientation” and the need to differentiate
between the two and acknowledge space and presence of those individuals
who may not be interested in sexual activity but are romantically and
socially attracted to others (<a class="ref showRefEvent2" data-referenceslink="
Amy/amygdala. 2013, October 21. “Sexual and Romantic Orientations Chart.” Accessed September 28, 2018. https://thethinkingasexual.wordpress.com/2013/10/21/sexual-and-romantic-orientations-chart/." data-reflink="_i6" data-rid="bibr2-1097184X18805565" href="https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/10.1177/1097184X18805565#">Amy/amygdala 2013</a>).<br />
<br />
This
concept, as a view of sexuality that is inclusive not just of the “big
three” sexual orientations, but other concepts behind an individual’s
identity needs to be more explored within masculinities as well as the
domestic violence community.<br />
<br />
One major reason for this need is the
probability of male domestic violence offenders having a characteristic
of being heterosexually oriented to a female partner, but not being
interested in a romantic/social connection to women. This complicated
combination of identities can explain some levels of toxic masculinities
that have not been fully explored.<br />
<br />
Another challenging aspect of
masculinities work that focuses on gay and bisexual males is the
often-overlooked aspect of sexism among these men. Authors at various
LGBTQ+ organizations and media have noted some of these issues, one
stating, “The topic of misogyny among gay men is a difficult one to
broach. In my experience, men either simply refuse to believe the
phenomenon exists, or the conversation is quickly derailed” (<a class="ref showRefEvent2" data-referenceslink="
Faye S. 2015, November 11. “The Gay Men Who Hate Women.” Accessed September 28, 2018. https://broadly.vice.com/en_us/article/the-gay-men-who-hate-women." data-reflink="_i6" data-rid="bibr8-1097184X18805565" href="https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/10.1177/1097184X18805565#">Faye 2015</a>).<br />
<br />
This
is not to say that the study of masculinities within the LGBTQ+
community are demonstrating sexism in their work; however, inclusion of
forms of oppression beyond heterosexism and homophobia is still
necessary in masculinities research, even from within an LGBTQ+ focus.<br />
Emerge
has been working with domestic violence offenders within the LGBTQ+
community since the mid-1990s. Culturally specific LGBTQ groups for
perpetrators has influenced their work with heterosexual male
perpetrators, leading to greater understanding of oppression dynamics
and guiding more nuanced interventions while offering a broader ability
to inform and work with victims and survivors.<br />
<br />
Much of the
challenge in both domestic violence intervention and masculinities
research is in seeing sexuality in binary terms, both within
orientation, but also within making decisions to explore the “most
common” sexual preferences and excluding (or being invisible to) how all
human sexuality informs work with men.<br />
<br />
Domestic violence
continues to evolve within the LGBTQ+ community due to work by experts
in the field of intervention as well as within agencies that provide
advocacy and support for victims and survivors. Some of these nonbinary
sexualities, as they are still being explored and understood, need to
also be given support and advocacy for victimization, and perpetrators
need to be held accountable for change. To avoid stifling progress, we
need to start expanding our understanding and research, and we must
become as aware of what we leave out as of what include in our work.</div>
<div class="NLM_sec NLM_sec_level_1" id="section4-1097184X18805565">
<a href="https://www.blogger.com/u/1/null" name="_i5"></a><br />
<div class="sectionInfo">
<h2 class="sectionHeading">
Moving Forward and Conclusions</h2>
</div>
The reality of <i>Men and Masculinities</i>
work and of domestic violence intervention is that we are at the
infancy of their scholarship and not far removed from the foundations
created by feminist analysis. Domestic violence intervention has a
history of being corrupted by a lack of connections, distancing
programs, and individuals from both national efforts and others doing
the work. Siloing of resources, advances, materials, curriculum, and
even intervention approaches has prevented progress and created rifts
within the field. Negative and shame-based focus on perpetrators has
created an imbalance in making individual and societal change toward
respect and health in relationships.<br />
<br />
We find ourselves in a new
stage of development within this field. Where we can become inclusive of
nonbinary sexuality and romantic connections. Where we can consider
what it means to be balanced within concepts of toxic and healthy
masculinities. Where we can confront male apologists and call out
misogyny at the same time we can build awareness of the invisibilities
we can easily fall prey to.<br />
Tal Peretz lists five reasons to study <i>Men and Masculinities</i> that support this ongoing evolution:<br />
<ol class="NLM_list-list_type-order">
<li>Making <i>Men and Masculinities</i> the focus of research helps to keep men’s hurtful behavior visible;</li>
<li>Gender, as an intersectional matrix of domination, informs our knowledge of other forms of oppression;</li>
<li>Disrupting the perception that men’s experiences are “natural” illuminates the possibility of change;</li>
<li>Research suggests momentum toward egalitarian patterns comes from a focus on masculinities; and</li>
<li>Investigating masculinities offers valuable information for feminist projects. (<a class="ref showRefEvent2" data-referenceslink="
Peretz Tal. 2016. “Why Study Men and Masculinities? A Theorized Research Review.” In Graduate Journal of Social Science: Men, Masculinities, and Violence, edited by Sharma Alankaar, Das Arpita, Vol. 12, 30–43." data-reflink="_i6" data-rid="bibr13-1097184X18805565" href="https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/10.1177/1097184X18805565#">Peretz 2016</a>)</li>
</ol>
How
better to leverage privilege than by using the study of men to further
work to end suffering and harms toward all oppressed populations? A
fully synthesized approach could grow both fields in addition to leading
us to a clarified foundation upon which to confront oppression.</div>
<div class="fn-group">
<br />
<span class="NLM_fn" id="fn1-1097184X18805565"><span class="fn-label">Declaration of Conflicting Interests</span><br />The
author(s) declared no potential conflicts of interest with respect to
the research, authorship, and/or publication of this article.</span><span class="NLM_fn" id="fn2-1097184X18805565"><span class="fn-label"> </span></span><br />
<span class="NLM_fn" id="fn2-1097184X18805565"><span class="fn-label">Funding</span><br />The author(s) received no financial support for the research, authorship, and/or publication of this article.</span></div>
<a href="https://www.blogger.com/u/1/null" name="_i6"></a><br />
<div class="sectionInfo">
<h2 class="sectionHeading">
References</h2>
</div>
<table border="0" class="references"><tbody>
<tr id="bibr1-1097184X18805565"><td class="refnumber"></td><td valign="top">Adams, David . <span class="NLM_year">2003</span>. “<span class="NLM_article-title">Treatment Programs for Batterers</span>.” Clinics in Family Practice 5:<span class="NLM_fpage">171</span>. <br />
<span class="ref-google"><a class="google-scholar" href="http://scholar.google.com/scholar_lookup?hl=en&publication_year=2003&pages=171&author=David+Adams&title=Treatment+Programs+for+Batterers">Google Scholar</a></span><span class="ref-xLink"> | <a href="https://journals.sagepub.com/servlet/linkout?suffix=bibr1-1097184X18805565&dbid=16&doi=10.1177%2F1097184X18805565&key=10.1016%2FS1522-5720%2802%2900079-X">Crossref</a></span><span class="ref-SFXLink"></span><br />
<hr />
</td></tr>
<tr id="bibr2-1097184X18805565"><td class="refnumber"></td><td valign="top">Amy/amygdala . <span class="NLM_year">2013</span>, <span class="NLM_month">October</span> <span class="NLM_day">21</span>. “<span class="NLM_article-title">Sexual and Romantic Orientations Chart</span>.” Accessed September 28, 2018. <a class="ext-link" href="https://thethinkingasexual.wordpress.com/2013/10/21/sexual-and-romantic-orientations-chart/" target="_blank">https://thethinkingasexual.wordpress.com/2013/10/21/sexual-and-romantic-orientations-chart/</a>. <br />
<span class="ref-google"><a class="google-scholar" href="http://scholar.google.com/scholar_lookup?hl=en&publication_year=2013&author=Amy%2Famygdala&title=Sexual+and+Romantic+Orientations+Chart">Google Scholar</a></span><span class="ref-xLink"></span><span class="ref-SFXLink"></span><br />
<hr />
</td></tr>
<tr id="bibr3-1097184X18805565"><td class="refnumber"></td><td valign="top">Beasley, C. <span class="NLM_year">2015</span>. “<span class="NLM_article-title">Caution! Hazards Ahead: Considering the Potential Gap between Feminist Thinking and Men/Masculinities Theory and Practice</span>.” Journal of Sociology 51:<span class="NLM_fpage">566</span>–<span class="NLM_lpage">81</span>. doi: 10.1177/1440783314553317. <br />
<span class="ref-google"><a class="google-scholar" href="http://scholar.google.com/scholar_lookup?hl=en&publication_year=2015&pages=566-81&author=C.+Beasley&title=Caution%21+Hazards+Ahead%3A+Considering+the+Potential+Gap+between+Feminist+Thinking+and+Men%2FMasculinities+Theory+and+Practice">Google Scholar</a></span><span class="ref-xLink"> | <a href="https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/10.1177/1440783314553317">SAGE Journals</a> | <a href="https://journals.sagepub.com/servlet/linkout?suffix=bibr3-1097184X18805565&dbid=128&doi=10.1177%2F1097184X18805565&key=000360289400014">ISI</a></span><span class="ref-SFXLink"></span><br />
<hr />
</td></tr>
<tr id="bibr4-1097184X18805565"><td class="refnumber"></td><td valign="top">Domestic Abuse Intervention Programs . <span class="NLM_year">2014</span>a. “<span class="NLM_article-title">The Duluth Model: Power and Control Wheel</span>.” Accessed July 28, 2016. <a class="ext-link" href="http://www.theduluthmodel.org/pdf/PowerandControl.pdf" target="_blank">http://www.theduluthmodel.org/pdf/PowerandControl.pdf</a>. <br />
<span class="ref-google"><a class="google-scholar" href="http://scholar.google.com/scholar_lookup?hl=en&publication_year=2014&author=Domestic+Abuse+Intervention+Programs&title=The+Duluth+Model%3A+Power+and+Control+Wheel">Google Scholar</a></span><span class="ref-xLink"></span><span class="ref-SFXLink"></span><br />
<hr />
</td></tr>
<tr id="bibr5-1097184X18805565"><td class="refnumber"></td><td valign="top">Domestic Abuse Intervention Programs . <span class="NLM_year">2014</span>b. “<span class="NLM_article-title">The Duluth Model: Respect and Equality Wheel</span>.” Accessed July 28, 2016. <a class="ext-link" href="http://www.theduluthmodel.org/pdf/Equality.pdf" target="_blank">http://www.theduluthmodel.org/pdf/Equality.pdf</a>. <br />
<span class="ref-google"><a class="google-scholar" href="http://scholar.google.com/scholar_lookup?hl=en&publication_year=2014&author=Domestic+Abuse+Intervention+Programs&title=The+Duluth+Model%3A+Respect+and+Equality+Wheel">Google Scholar</a></span><span class="ref-xLink"></span><span class="ref-SFXLink"></span><br />
<hr />
</td></tr>
<tr id="bibr6-1097184X18805565"><td class="refnumber"></td><td valign="top">Dragiewicz, M. <span class="NLM_year">2016</span>. “<span class="NLM_article-title">Some Men: Feminist Allies and the Movement to End Violence against Women</span>.” American Journal of Sociology 122:<span class="NLM_fpage">311</span>–<span class="NLM_lpage">13</span>. <br />
<span class="ref-google"><a class="google-scholar" href="http://scholar.google.com/scholar_lookup?hl=en&publication_year=2016&pages=311-13&author=M.+Dragiewicz&title=Some+Men%3A+Feminist+Allies+and+the+Movement+to+End+Violence+against+Women">Google Scholar</a></span><span class="ref-xLink"> | <a href="https://journals.sagepub.com/servlet/linkout?suffix=bibr6-1097184X18805565&dbid=16&doi=10.1177%2F1097184X18805565&key=10.1086%2F686043">Crossref</a></span><span class="ref-SFXLink"></span><br />
<hr />
</td></tr>
<tr id="bibr7-1097184X18805565"><td class="refnumber"></td><td valign="top">Englar-Carlson, M., Kiselica, M. S. <span class="NLM_year">2013</span>. <span class="NLM_article-title">“Affirming the Strengths in Men: A Positive Masculinity Approach to Assisting Male Clients.’</span> Journal of Counseling & Development 91:<span class="NLM_fpage">399</span>–<span class="NLM_lpage">409</span>. doi: 10.1002/j.1556-6676.2013.00111.x. <br />
<span class="ref-google"><a class="google-scholar" href="http://scholar.google.com/scholar_lookup?hl=en&publication_year=2013&pages=399-409&author=M.+Englar-Carlson&author=M.+S.+Kiselica&title=%E2%80%9CAffirming+the+Strengths+in+Men%3A+A+Positive+Masculinity+Approach+to+Assisting+Male+Clients.%E2%80%99">Google Scholar</a></span><span class="ref-xLink"> | <a href="https://journals.sagepub.com/servlet/linkout?suffix=bibr7-1097184X18805565&dbid=16&doi=10.1177%2F1097184X18805565&key=10.1002%2Fj.1556-6676.2013.00111.x">Crossref</a> | <a href="https://journals.sagepub.com/servlet/linkout?suffix=bibr7-1097184X18805565&dbid=128&doi=10.1177%2F1097184X18805565&key=000325993800004">ISI</a></span><span class="ref-SFXLink"></span><br />
<hr />
</td></tr>
<tr id="bibr8-1097184X18805565"><td class="refnumber"></td><td valign="top">Faye, S. <span class="NLM_year">2015</span>, <span class="NLM_month">November</span> <span class="NLM_day">11</span>. “<span class="NLM_article-title">The Gay Men Who Hate Women</span>.” Accessed September 28, 2018. <a class="ext-link" href="https://broadly.vice.com/en_us/article/the-gay-men-who-hate-women" target="_blank">https://broadly.vice.com/en_us/article/the-gay-men-who-hate-women</a>. <br />
<span class="ref-google"><a class="google-scholar" href="http://scholar.google.com/scholar_lookup?hl=en&publication_year=2015&author=S.+Faye&title=The+Gay+Men+Who+Hate+Women">Google Scholar</a></span><span class="ref-xLink"></span><span class="ref-SFXLink"></span><br />
<hr />
</td></tr>
<tr id="bibr9-1097184X18805565"><td class="refnumber"></td><td valign="top">Hinderliter, A. C. <span class="NLM_year">2009</span>. “<span class="NLM_article-title">Methodological Issues for Studying Asexuality</span>.” Archives of Sexual Behavior 38:<span class="NLM_fpage">619</span>–<span class="NLM_lpage">21</span>. doi: 10.1007/s10508-009-9502-x. <br />
<span class="ref-google"><a class="google-scholar" href="http://scholar.google.com/scholar_lookup?hl=en&publication_year=2009&pages=619-21&author=A.+C.+Hinderliter&title=Methodological+Issues+for+Studying+Asexuality">Google Scholar</a></span><span class="ref-xLink"> | <a href="https://journals.sagepub.com/servlet/linkout?suffix=bibr9-1097184X18805565&dbid=16&doi=10.1177%2F1097184X18805565&key=10.1007%2Fs10508-009-9502-x">Crossref</a> | <a href="https://journals.sagepub.com/servlet/linkout?suffix=bibr9-1097184X18805565&dbid=8&doi=10.1177%2F1097184X18805565&key=19408111">Medline</a> | <a href="https://journals.sagepub.com/servlet/linkout?suffix=bibr9-1097184X18805565&dbid=128&doi=10.1177%2F1097184X18805565&key=000269882800002">ISI</a></span><span class="ref-SFXLink"></span><br />
<hr />
</td></tr>
<tr id="bibr10-1097184X18805565"><td class="refnumber"></td><td valign="top"><span class="NLM_article-title">“In the Labyrinth of #MeToo: Addressing
Sexual Aggression and Power in Contemporary Society Also Means
Questioning What the Feminist Movement Has Really Been About.” (Cover
story)</span>. American Scholar, <span class="NLM_year">2018</span>, vol. 87, <span class="NLM_fpage">14</span>–<span class="NLM_lpage">25</span>. <br />
<span class="ref-google"><a class="google-scholar" href="http://scholar.google.com/scholar_lookup?hl=en&publication_year=2018&pages=14-25&title=%E2%80%9CIn+the+Labyrinth+of+%23MeToo%3A+Addressing+Sexual+Aggression+and+Power+in+Contemporary+Society+Also+Means+Questioning+What+the+Feminist+Movement+Has+Really+Been+About.%E2%80%9D+%28Cover+story%29">Google Scholar</a></span><span class="ref-xLink"></span><span class="ref-SFXLink"></span><br />
<hr />
</td></tr>
<tr id="bibr11-1097184X18805565"><td class="refnumber"></td><td valign="top">Kinsey, A. C., Pomeroy, W. B., Martin, C. E. <span class="NLM_year">1948</span>. “<span class="NLM_article-title">Sexual Behavior in the Human Male</span>.” Journal of Clinical Psychology 4:<span class="NLM_fpage">314</span>. <br />
<span class="ref-google"><a class="google-scholar" href="http://scholar.google.com/scholar_lookup?hl=en&publication_year=1948&pages=314&author=A.+C.+Kinsey&author=W.+B.+Pomeroy&author=C.+E.+Martin&title=Sexual+Behavior+in+the+Human+Male">Google Scholar</a></span><span class="ref-xLink"></span><span class="ref-SFXLink"></span><br />
<hr />
</td></tr>
<tr id="bibr12-1097184X18805565"><td class="refnumber"></td><td valign="top">Molano, S. <span class="NLM_year">2015</span>, <span class="NLM_month">November</span> <span class="NLM_day">19</span>. “<span class="NLM_article-title">Partnership & Accountability Blog Series: The Risks of Men Talking about Gender</span>.” Accessed September 28, 2018. <a class="ext-link" href="http://menengage.blogspot.com/2015/11/the-risks-of-men-talking-about-gender.html" target="_blank">http://menengage.blogspot.com/2015/11/the-risks-of-men-talking-about-gender.html</a>. <br />
<span class="ref-google"><a class="google-scholar" href="http://scholar.google.com/scholar_lookup?hl=en&publication_year=2015&author=S.+Molano&title=Partnership+%26+Accountability+Blog+Series%3A+The+Risks+of+Men+Talking+about+Gender">Google Scholar</a></span><span class="ref-xLink"></span><span class="ref-SFXLink"></span><br />
<hr />
</td></tr>
<tr id="bibr13-1097184X18805565"><td class="refnumber"></td><td valign="top">Peretz, Tal . <span class="NLM_year">2016</span>. “<span class="NLM_article-title">Why Study Men and Masculinities? A Theorized Research Review</span>.” In Graduate Journal of Social Science: Men, Masculinities, and Violence, edited by Sharma, Alankaar, Das, Arpita, Vol. 12, <span class="NLM_fpage">30</span>–<span class="NLM_lpage">43</span>. <br />
<span class="ref-google"><a class="google-scholar" href="http://scholar.google.com/scholar_lookup?hl=en&publication_year=2016&pages=30-43&author=Tal+Peretz&title=Why+Study+Men+and+Masculinities%3F+A+Theorized+Research+Review">Google Scholar</a></span><span class="ref-xLink"></span><span class="ref-SFXLink"></span><br />
<hr />
</td></tr>
<tr id="bibr14-1097184X18805565"><td class="refnumber"></td><td valign="top">Pérez, J. A., Passini, S. <span class="NLM_year">2012</span>. “<span class="NLM_article-title">Avoiding Minorities: Social Invisibility</span>.” European Journal of Social Psychology 42:<span class="NLM_fpage">864</span>–<span class="NLM_lpage">74</span>. doi: 10.1002/ejsp.1889. <br />
<span class="ref-google"><a class="google-scholar" href="http://scholar.google.com/scholar_lookup?hl=en&publication_year=2012&pages=864-74&author=J.+A.+P%C3%A9rez&author=S.+Passini&title=Avoiding+Minorities%3A+Social+Invisibility">Google Scholar</a></span><span class="ref-xLink"> | <a href="https://journals.sagepub.com/servlet/linkout?suffix=bibr14-1097184X18805565&dbid=16&doi=10.1177%2F1097184X18805565&key=10.1002%2Fejsp.1889">Crossref</a></span><span class="ref-SFXLink"></span><br />
<hr />
</td></tr>
<tr id="bibr15-1097184X18805565"><td class="refnumber"></td><td valign="top">Yule, M. A., Brotto, L. A., Gorzalka, B. B. <span class="NLM_year">2015</span>. “<span class="NLM_article-title">A Validated Measure of No Sexual Attraction: The Asexuality Identification Scale</span>.” Psychological Assessment 27:<span class="NLM_fpage">148</span>–<span class="NLM_lpage">60</span>. doi: 10.1037/a0038196. <br />
<span class="ref-google"><a class="google-scholar" href="http://scholar.google.com/scholar_lookup?hl=en&publication_year=2015&pages=148-60&author=M.+A.+Yule&author=L.+A.+Brotto&author=B.+B.+Gorzalka&title=A+Validated+Measure+of+No+Sexual+Attraction%3A+The+Asexuality+Identification+Scale">Google Scholar</a></span><span class="ref-xLink"> | <a href="https://journals.sagepub.com/servlet/linkout?suffix=bibr15-1097184X18805565&dbid=16&doi=10.1177%2F1097184X18805565&key=10.1037%2Fa0038196">Crossref</a> | <a href="https://journals.sagepub.com/servlet/linkout?suffix=bibr15-1097184X18805565&dbid=8&doi=10.1177%2F1097184X18805565&key=25383584">Medline</a></span></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
Christopher Hallhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14736385436432859371noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1010965936320411303.post-5942334169685868222018-12-28T15:45:00.000-05:002018-12-28T15:47:31.385-05:00Moving Toward a Respectful New Year (Part Three)This is the third article expanding on respectful and healthy relationship behavior. Who will be up for the New Year challenge of practicing all of these behavior for the month of January and beyond? (link to <a href="http://www.dvinterventioneducation.com/2018/12/RespectfulHealthyRelationshipsList1.html" target="_blank">part one</a> and <a href="http://www.dvinterventioneducation.com/2018/12/RespectfulHealthyRelationshipsList2.html" target="_blank">part two</a>)<br />
<br />
21) <i><b>Be Inclusive:</b></i> Human beings often fall into the trap of dismissing others, sometimes due to a sense of personal superiority, but often due to not caring or listening to other people. In a relationship, dismissive behavior adds up over time with increasingly hurtful results. The counter to being dismissive is choosing to be actively inclusive of others. Making other people matter and caring about their thoughts, opinions, and emotions. With an intimate partner, this would mean to include that person in your life by sharing your successes and challenges, bringing that person into your world, even if it is mundane - and showing respect and care by including their experiences, stories, and life in your own through listening. This may mean inviting a conversation, becoming an active source of support, or making plans alongside your partner.<br />
<br />
22) <i><b>Be Open and Transparent:</b></i> It's easy to be unconscious of manipulative and controlling behavior toward a partner. All it takes is selective information sharing (so-called white lies, withholding information, or lying by omission), yessing another person or being insincere (lying by assent), or of course blatantly saying or doing things to get a specific advantage (outright commission of lies or manipulation of information). Many people easily miss the build up of such patterns, and become manipulative for all the "right" reasons, even if for self-protection. But since it builds over time, it can dismantle a relationship once someone sees through that manipulation. It takes direct open communication about problems, challenges, and seemingly boring details to be transparent in how you work with your intimate partner. Your partner needs to have a sense that your motives are respectful and healthy, that those reasons for your choices are not based in coming out on top, but on working alongside. Since manipulation often takes a certain amount of personal mindfulness and reflection, it's easy to feel open and transparent while at the same time choosing behavior which alienates other people. Consider places in your life where you keep things secret - do such secrets ultimately benefit you at the expense of your partner? Are those personal things you do not speak about keep a barrier up in your relationship? Are there ways of dismantling even the small things to improve your ability to communicate and grow with your partner?<br />
<br />
23) <i><b>Let Time Run Its Course:</b></i> Sometimes it seems very important to make a decision quickly, and pressure others to agree or join with you in a decision. This sort of pressure can wear others down, and make them feel less validated in their own decision making process. Not all decisions or situations are equally imperative, so balancing priorities and knowing when an immediate choice is necessary and when there is time to allow patience and discussion can help to make a partnership feel like a true collaboration. There are situations where an individual wants to make a quick decision to avoid pain or due to fear about outcomes - and in such cases allowing time can be important for other reasons. If decision making is about avoidance, then patience may instead lead to growing discussion and cooperation. If being right or winning a conflict is the priority, such motives are a trap that cause damage to a relationship. If your partner feels pressured to make a decision, and makes one out of that pressure, such a decision may be paired with regret and self-blame. Or it could be paired with anger and blaming you for pressuring. Sure, in some cases, particularly if someone is unsure or paralyzed in decision making, they might feel better about making a decision, but that is where it is important to know what is going on for your partner (and yourself) in decision making and to understand where your patience, or need to develop more patience, is important.<br />
<br />
24) <i><b>Remember the Value of Your Relationship:</b></i> How do you add value to your partner's life? How does your partner add value to your life? These are critical questions to ask, and to understand the answer. In them, you can consider places you can improve (to add more value), and places to appreciate and validate your partner. I argue that this is a very important part of creating an amicable relationship with an ex-partner as well. Often men in my classes who have a child with their ex-partner speak to her faults and problems and their ability to co-parent suffers greatly as a result. Having neutral self-talk may involve the ability to remember why you chose your partner to begin with, and the positive characteristics that you had valued, and maybe even still value. Conflict can easily grow when there is discontent and a growing negative self-talk about your partner, and being conscious of value helps to keep that discontent from growing into contempt. It can also keep you humble if you have been working on awareness of your faults in addition to remembering the strengths that your partner appreciates in you.<br />
<br />
25) <i><b>Acknowledge Your Partner's Humanity:</b></i> As human beings, we have any number of faults, make mistakes pretty regularly, and are self-oriented at times to the point of missing opportunities to validate and care for others. The ancient truism of "remove the plank in your own eye before addressing the sliver in someone else's" holds very true to this humanity. If you can recognize your own faults, and keep your partner's faults with several grains of salt, you can more easily navigate conflict by seeing where that humanity might be getting in the way on either side. Any of the items on this list can be challenging because they require a certain amount of personal choice and discipline. Your partner may not practice this (or any other of these things) but that does not mean you cannot. Sometimes a simple thing such as noticing your partner's exhaustion, understanding life experiences that are overwhelming your partner, or realizing you have made similar mistakes can lead to more understanding in conflict resolution.<br />
<br />
26) <i><b>Connect With Support Beyond Your Partner:</b></i> It's important to choose wisely when investing in a relationship for many reasons, one of them being that it's natural that you will spend a lot of time together. When you connect with another person in a committed way, and as a relationship grows and evolves over time, you inherently will depend on support from your partner. This support might be emotional, but it may also be about sharing resources, time, and responsibilities. This does not mean all your support should come from one person. It is important to have others in your life, whether it be friends, family, or even coworkers who can offer feedback and emotional support. It's just as important to encourage your partner to foster such relationships and support. Being wise about your support system is also critical - it's no good to have people supporting you who give you hurtful ideas or selfish options to solving problems. Nor is it good to have people who fail to call you on your bullshit. Who is in your life outside of your partner who is there for you, and how do they demonstrate support for you?<br />
<br />
27) <i><b>Handle Tough Decisions Together:</b></i> Not all decisions need to be made jointly in a relationship, but at the same time it's important to know your partner well enough to understand when that person wants to be involved in a decision. What are the tough decisions you face, and how do you get input on them from your partner? How do you work together as parents, and how do you work separately? Parenting is a useful example because of course you cannot make all decisions jointly, at the same time you need to be open and transparent about the decisions you do make so you do not override or counter your partner's choices. Even in decisions that may be more personal, having your partner's thoughts and input can lead to greater intimacy and validation.<br />
<br />
28) <i><b>Be Assertive:</b></i> Know what you want and need, and know how to communicate those things. Often it's a trap to merely communicate what you do not like, do not want, or do not need - and use those things as attacks. Productively working toward goals and options will go much better when negotiating and compromising, and making decisions that do not end up as an expense to your partner are also important. Being passive and awaiting an outcome leads to less personal investment and makes it easy to later become aggressive about an outcome you had no investment in to begin with. Aggressively making choices to meet your needs or wants can easily steamroll over your partner and build resentment. Actively communicating and working together to prioritize, understand the difference between wants and needs, and set realistic and measurable goals are all traits that are a part of acting assertively.<br />
<br />
29) <i><b>Understand Respect:</b></i> As a term, respect can be hard to define. Sometimes the examples given are things like "I respected my father, because if I didn't, there'd be hell to pay," but in such examples respect is confused with fear. If someone equates being respected to being obeyed or feared, they may pursue destructive and hurtful behavior in their relationships with others. Another common, but ultimately faulty example is, "to get respect, you have to earn it," but such ideas are more similar to defining authority. Rising in an hierarchy such as within a work environment may involve earning position, but if someone believes they have the right to control others or that they have earned such a right, then they may not be open to influence or negotiation which can again be destructive to relationships. Understanding respect as a concept involves understanding how you listen to others and show a certain amount of caring for them. The ability and willingness to listen to other's thoughts, emotions, and opinions demonstrates to others that you respect them. Alternatively, the ability to understand and listen to your own needs and gain them in a dignified way is what self-respect is all about. Developing respect in a relationship helps to strengthen and grow bonds between you, and is critical to having value in another person.<br />
<br />
30) <i><b>Balance Intimacy:</b></i> Intimacy is no one thing, but involves layers of connection. Physical intimacy is definitely about sexual attraction and behavior, but it is even more than that. Passion about being with someone, enjoying physical (non-sexual) touch, these things and more are what make up physical intimacy and such things evolve throughout an intimate partner relationship. Emotional intimacy is about closeness to someone, knowing what they like and dislike, reciprocity of action and need, secrets shared and secrets kept, and overall knowledge of that person's life and history. Mental intimacy makes up commitment - how you bind yourself to another person by finances, marriage, having children, living together, making goals for the future, or other intimately binding behavior. Spiritual intimacy is about shared values and morals, both knowing your own and navigating your partner's, and appreciating their differences. All of these layers of intimacy are best developed equally, although it is natural for one to grow faster than another, and when that happens being aware of places that need to be developed further as a part of an ongoing and evolving relationship.<br />
<br />
31) <i><b>Be Mindful of How Others Experience You:</b></i> Decent actors spend time in front of a mirror watching and practicing their emotional responses so they can best portray different situations and characters. Since communication is largely nonverbal, there are a multitude of gestures, vocal tones, and faces we make that others pick up on without our knowing it. Humans are sensing beings, as much as we put greater emphasis on thinking we all have the ability to feel that something is off, to know when tension is high, and to even determine danger or well being. It is an important skill to know how others may experience you at any given time, but particularly during conflict. If someone feels threatened by you, you can deny being threatening but that does not negate the other person's experiences of you or the reasons they felt that way. Within relationships, it is important to consistently listen to your partner's experiences of you so that you can learn more about yourself through their descriptions and their perspectives. Just like an actor practicing various responses, you can train yourself to become aware of how you act, and the "vibes" you give off when you are upset. Managing your responses is a big part of contributing to a relationship in a respectful and healthy manner.<br />
<br />
I hope this discussion of healthy and respectful relationship behavior has been helpful! Please feel free to comment below, or send me an email if you have any questions. You can use the pamphlet in the link below if you think it would be useful for your work, and if you do please maintain credit to me (which is in a box on the pamphlet itself).<br />
<br />
<a href="https://docs.google.com/document/d/1cUuBqijJXSxE0NLwxgYgaCT-2xStJJUiKgIaXvp_CD8/edit?usp=sharing" target="_blank"><i><b>THIRTY HEALTHY AND RESPECTFUL WAYS PAMPHLET </b></i></a> Christopher Hallhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14736385436432859371noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1010965936320411303.post-55095499922359036282018-12-18T14:23:00.000-05:002018-12-18T14:23:48.408-05:00Moving Toward a Respectful New Year (Part Two)Continuing the list of respectful and healthy relationship behavior, this article highlights specific attitudes, behavior, and approaches to a relationship that can work on improving an intimate partner relationship. As in the <a href="http://www.dvinterventioneducation.com/2018/12/RespectfulHealthyRelationshipsList1.html" target="_blank">previous article</a>, a copy of the full list is at the end.<br />
<br />
11. <i><b>Give the Benefit Of the Doubt:</b></i> Occasionally, an intimate partner does something that might initially seem designed to hurt you, or at the very least be a decision that violates an agreement or personal request. While it is possible this could be true, contempt is built up by having negative assumptions about other's motives and behavior. To maintain respect and health, it can be important to have an initial impulse to consider that your partner's behavior may not be about you, or may not be what it seems. You are in this way providing a sense of doubt about an attack on you, and allowing space for that person to provide their perspective, motive, or information before deciding how to respond. If your partner truly intended to hurt you, then you can respond by setting limits or potentially recognizing that this behavior is unacceptable and ending the relationship. In essence, a partnership is about defending the other person by being supportive and not assuming the worst until it is clear the worst is the reality. When choosing battering behavior, motives often dwell in the realm of negative assumptions and attacks, as well as a pattern of building contempt. To work toward repair, someone who has been abusive needs to begin choosing to walk back contempt and instead find ways to defend their partner, if the relationship has not been too broken to continue. In a healthy and respectful relationship, benefit of the doubt is often a default based on value for an intimate partner and a desire to defend them and support their decisions, even if they are different from ones you might have chosen.<br />
<br />
12. <i><b>Discuss Your Values and Meaning in Life: </b></i>We all have long held and developed beliefs about both the rules we have in how to live life, but also what we value and care about. While it can be challenging to identify, we also have a certain understanding of what makes life meaningful which can include goals to accomplish, patterns of behavior to maintain, and connections that are most important. These are important conversations to have with a partner, and helps to develop emotional intimacy - a knowledge of another person that develops closeness. It can also help in building commitment, as we tend to grow closer to people who have similar values and goals in life. It can be a trap to only identify things we do not like, what we dislike about other's behavior. Values are about what you want - and how you want things to progress. Within a relationship, what shared goals to you have together, and do you have the same plans on how to achieve them? There can be trepidation about sharing such deep information, as it creates vulnerability - and often when someone avoids being vulnerable they also avoid becoming closer to others, which can make it easier to hurt and choose destructive behavior. It is much more difficult to hurt people who have similar values and goals, and having such overlaps in life also create unity and a sense of togetherness that foster health and mutual respect.<br />
<br />
13. <i><b>Be Okay With Not Having Complete Agreement: </b></i>Building intimacy, particularly emotional intimacy, often means sharing your opinions, thoughts, and emotions - and in turn listening and caring about your partner's. As two separate people, there are going to be differences, and sometimes it's less about a difference and more about a different flavor or shape of the same thing. There are definitely differences that a deal breakers (see <a href="http://www.dvinterventioneducation.com/2018/12/RespectfulHealthyRelationshipsList1.html" target="_blank">non-negotiables with #6 on the previous list</a>), but there are also differences that enrich a relationship by creating strategies and approaches to situations that vary, and offer variable solutions. Knowing the differences between you is important, so you can listen and respect those boundaries (<a href="http://www.dvinterventioneducation.com/2018/12/RespectfulHealthyRelationshipsList1.html" target="_blank">#2, on previous list</a>), but also so you do not find incompatibilities with every potential partner. Some people get stuck in wanting a "perfect mate" and miss out on the reality that no such thing exists. When I do relationship histories as an activity with individuals in my classes, I find that the things that are listed as initial attractions to a partner can also in the end become specific reasons for disliking or finding problems with the other person. I think in part this happens because people learn more authentically about each other as they grow together, and initial traits end up either being a smaller part of themselves than portrayed, but sometimes people anchor these experiences and think they will never change and miss honoring differences and evolution within and outside of a relationship. You have to be able to appreciate differences, and be okay with disagreements that may never have a specific or satisfying resolution, but can help you understand your partner and acknowledge how such differences contribute to, instead of taking away from your relationship.<br />
<br />
14. <i><b>Make Time to Be With Your Partner: </b></i>Life happens, at times in ways that create overwhelming schedules and difficult to manage recreational time. While it is important to have "alone time" (see #16 to follow), regardless of schedules it is important to make your time with your partner a priority in some fashion. For people in long distance relationships, this may mean phone calls or video chats, even online gaming. For those living together it may mean planning a "date night" or scheduling specific relationship time. Some may call on breaks or lunches at work, others may bond over social media. At the start of the relationship, there is usually a certain degree of physical passion that drives individuals to strive for time to be together. Over time, that needs to remain even if the specific methods need to change. If you work to find excuses to avoid your partner, that begins a slippery slope to not wanting to be together at all - so knowing what you wish to foster and build becomes important to the health of your relationship.<br />
<br />
15. <i><b>Learn and Talk About Your Partner's Hobbies: </b></i>Everyone has things they really enjoy doing. It's not uncommon for intimate partners to develop a relationship around shared likes, including activities and hobbies. However, there will always be things your partner enjoys that you do not. What do you know about your partner's hobbies, how do you support them in that hobby, and how do you become involved with that hobby when your partner wants you to? I've heard several men in my groups complain about their partners, and things they enjoy that they mock openly. Often there is a nature of the mocking that involves a focus on financial expenditures - but very little appreciation for their partner's enjoyment or understanding why their partner may enjoy a certain activity. Learning about your partner's hobby also allows you to learn more about your partner. Showing interest in something you are not particularly interested in demonstrates caring and appreciation, and such attitudes and behavior foster health and respect. Being open to influence and learning to share time and space over activities you do not choose personally can be a window into negotiating and compromising over more challenging topics.<br />
<br />
16. <i><b>Encourage Space:</b></i> While appreciating differences and learning about aspects of your partner's hobbies that are different from your own, it's also important to have a part of your life separate from your partner. Doing everything together, and always being in each other's business can become stifling. Making time for yourself is an important part of healthy self-care (<a href="http://www.dvinterventioneducation.com/2018/12/RespectfulHealthyRelationshipsList1.html" target="_blank">#5 on previous part of list</a>), and gives you something to later share about your life with your partner. Encouraging your partner to spend time with friends separately from you also fosters a sense of trust and care that are important to maintain.<br />
<br />
17. <i><b>Be Aware of Your Irritating and Alienating Behavior:</b></i> As human beings, we are all irritating in our own ways. Often these irritating behavior are unconscious patterns and habits we have developed over time and have little or nothing to do with our partner. Easy ones to consider are biting nails, yawning loudly, physical tics, but there are several others that might be linked to attitudes or responses to certain situations. Often these things don't irritate us, personally, so we don't even think about them - but our partner might notice and dislike them fully. There's no way to completely eliminate all irritating behavior, particularly because in relationships over time each partner learns to accept such irritations either by considering them as part of who you are, or giving up when trying to stop those behavior. Sometimes in relationships, attempts to stop irritating behavior are like a grain of sand in a oyster, slowly building over time - but the result isn't a pearl but rather dissatisfaction, anger, and even in some cases the end of a relationship. It is important to know how you irritate your partner - what are small things that you recognize in yourself that you can work to minimize or stop, or at the very least choose to not do them around your partner? Related to this are various alienating behavior, and sometimes they are one in the same. We all do things that subtly (and sometimes obviously) push others away. A very common alienating behavior is avoidance, and avoiding conversations, situations, or others quickly builds into controlling or other hurtful behavior. In my classes, when I more broadly address hurtful behavior beyond violence, I talk about the "pyramid of harm" (an alternative to the Power and Control Wheels, this is an aspect of the <a href="http://www.dvinterventioneducation.com/2016/12/EmergeModelOverview.html" target="_blank">Emerge Curriculum</a>). When doing so I speak about the category of sexually harmful behavior in a relationship and how it builds. One of the irritating and alienating sexual behaviors I discuss is choosing not to talk about sex, or avoiding such discussions altogether. When you take something like the sexual aspect of your relationship, and do not talk about what is working and what is not, ways of improving it, what your desires are, what you do not like, then over time it creates a minefield in your relationship that must be navigated carefully - or ignored altogether and just build into other sexually hurtful behavior toward yourself and your partner. People who avoid conflict can do the same to emotional, mental, and spiritual aspects of their relationship, and taking personal responsibility for your irritating and alienating behavior can help to keep things like this from building up over time.<br />
<br />
18. <i><b>Own Up To Your Mistakes and Harmful Behavior: </b></i>We all do hurtful and harmful things toward others. Humanizing this is an important dynamic to include during battering intervention classes, because if you instead shame, punish, and dehumanize there is almost no benefit in admitting to harm other than getting a facilitator to leave you alone. I believe it is an important aspect of battering intervention classes to, as a facilitator, openly admit to my mistakes and harm I might inadvertently choose during the classes themselves. For example, once in my class I had a participant who left the group to go to the bathroom. I have had various policies about bathroom use in my classes, and it often has to do with access - if the building has a setup where there is a bathroom right by the room we conduct class, I have no problem with participants using it if they go in and do their thing and come right back. I mention that I don't want them to spend 20 minutes in there doing their morning or evening "constitutional," but I haven't found that to be an issue. So, this man was gone for over twenty minutes - it was long enough to both be noticeable, but also I became concerned he had just left the class entirely. When he came back, I interrupted the topic I was on in the class and took time to directly address him and the group about the bathroom policy and asked him not to spend that long in the bathroom. He balked, taking insult at me calling him out, and I caught my mistake at about the same time. In the moment, I said it was not a huge deal I just needed to make sure everyone understood the policy - which did not decrease his anger, but he did stop talking. After class, I took a moment to ask to speak to him when everyone had left. I told him I recognized that calling him out like that was shaming, was inappropriate, and was not okay for me to do. I told him it would have been better to speak to him after the class, and that in the future I would make sure I did that. Just saying those things led to him changing his demeanor entirely. I asked him if he would mind if I apologized to the entire group the following week, and when he said that was okay - I did so. I think the ability to own up to mistakes allows others to see your humanity, it models behavior you want to see, and in a relationship it is important as a first step to working toward repairs. If you do not identify the problem, how can you possibly work to solve it? I think there are methods in battering intervention classes to have participants authentically describe and discuss their hurtful behavior - but a big part of that has to do with how I elicit that information. Developing emotional and mental intimacy with a partner makes it easier and more real to do such admissions, and acknowledging harms and being able to describe why they were not okay start to create goals on how to change behavior as well.<br />
<br />
19. <i><b>Know What Kind of Support Your Partner Appreciates and Do It as Often as Possible:</b></i> There are methods of counseling and therapy, particularly those focused on marriage and family, that identify the concept of a "<a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Five_Love_Languages" target="_blank">love language</a>." In essence, this idea postulates that we all have specific kinds of ways we express our love of others, and often it is also how we personally want to feel loved. Part of the challenge is that in an intimate partner relationship, there are bound to be differences in how each person feels and expresses love, and by extension, support. If I am a person who feels happy with loving touch (pats on the back, holding hands, running my fingers through my partner's hair), then chances are that I do those things to my partner in my attempt to show appreciation, support, and love. However, perhaps my partner is in a different place in her preference for expressing and feeling loved - maybe she does so through service, such as by making a delicious meal, buying me a present, staying up late to spend time with me if I work late. In such a situation, I might appreciate her gestures, but I might not think of those as being things I should reciprocate if I am focused on physical loving touch to demonstrate love. She, in turn, may feel I do not love or appreciate her if I do not do service behavior for her. This can lead to all kinds of negative and hurtful self-talk, and a growing list of assumptions and hurt feelings. In a relationship it is important to put yourself outside of your own experience and focus on your partner's experience. Many of these categories of health and respect talk about different ways of doing this. In this example, that means you have to know more about how you feel loved - it doesn't mean you stop doing things with your partner that are things you personally like - it means you know you are doing those things as an extension of what you like. In turn you have to listen and be aware of the differences in how your partner feels loved, and then directly do them. Often. This is something you can continue to learn and develop as your relationship evolves.<br />
<br />
20. <i><b>Understand the Difference Between Negotiation and Compromise; Use When Your Plans and Ideas are Different:</b></i> I ask participants in my class to describe the difference between negotiation and compromise and they often give the same definition. Conflict tactics are important to both be able to practice, but also be able to understand, and in many ways negotiating and compromising are the bread and butter of healthy conflict management. Both need to be used at different times, though, so knowing the difference is good for knowing when one is better than the other. Negotiation is about trading - I think of it like a pendulum that swings my way, then my partner's way. There are situations that come up where there is no way to come to a middle ground, and in such cases you can either agree to disagree, which is unsatisfying and often untenable if a decision has to be made, or you can railroad your partner into your solution or passively give in to your partner and build up resentment as a result. Neither is a good choice, so negotiation is the practice of being open to influence. You directly and authentically choose your partner's decision, with an understanding that in that category of conflict next time you both will try your decision instead. Where this can become messy is if someone negotiates incomparable categories - after all saying you will do a specific chore more often if your partner gives you more sex both starts to consider sex as a chore to be completed, but also means if you do such a trade then the person doing the chore might feel entitled to doing a different chore less often. So negotiation needs to be in the same topic, and needs to be discussed more thoroughly. Parenting decisions are often a category for negotiation if you have different parental instincts or idea on how to deal with your children's mistakes. Compromise, however, is about either coming to a middle ground (where you both do not get 100% of what you want, but you get some), or choosing a third viable option that neither of you had considered during that conflict.<br />
<br />
Next article will finish up the remaining ten on the pamphlet and will include one additional so anyone wanting to practice these for the 31 days of January will have their days filled with practicing a different kind of respectful and healthy behavior each day!<br />
<br />
<a href="https://docs.google.com/document/d/1cUuBqijJXSxE0NLwxgYgaCT-2xStJJUiKgIaXvp_CD8/edit?usp=sharing" target="_blank">THIRTY RESPECTFUL AND HEALTHY WAYS PAMPHLET</a>Christopher Hallhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14736385436432859371noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1010965936320411303.post-48166270402302539302018-12-13T17:06:00.000-05:002018-12-17T15:10:51.147-05:00Moving Toward a Respectful New Year (Part One)There is always a lot of focus on holiday times during November, through to December, and into the new year. Increased anxiety and stress, unmet expectations, ideas about new goals and resolutions, unfocused hope - ultimately a combination of emotions, and sometimes an escalation of harm to self and to others.<br />
<br />
Work in domestic violence - whether with victims/survivors, perpetrators, children and families, or all of the above - I believe it is important to <a href="http://www.dvinterventioneducation.com/2016/12/discussing-holidays-in-bipdvip-group.html">directly discuss and address</a> <a href="http://www.dvinterventioneducation.com/2017/12/holidays-and-red-herring-of-happiness.html">methods of managing and understanding the challenges unique to this time of year</a>. An ongoing aspect of such work involves goal setting. I think it is important to do this with every individual in domestic violence services. I believe in goals that are specific, concrete, desired, measurable, and realistic.<br />
<br />
In the small bit of time leading us up to January, it seems appropriate to consider these goals for respect and health in such a way. This article is part one of three discussing specific healthy and respectful tools that may be useful for battering intervention classes, healthy relationship classes, parenting classes, or support groups for victims/survivors. They can also be a reflective challenge for the month of January 2019 - can you consider each of the items on the list, one day at a time, for the entire month?<br />
<br />
I will attach a pamphlet I have provided to my individual participants at program intake at the end of each article. If you are interested in using any of the information in these articles, please credit me by name, email, and website and you are free to distribute.<br />
<br />
<u><b>HEALTHY AND RESPECTFUL RELATIONSHIP GOALS (1-10)</b></u><i><b> </b></i><br />
<br />
<ol>
<li><i><b>Understand Boundaries</b></i>: Knowing your limits, and recognizing the limits others have in their lives is an infinite task. At any given time, we notice something we appreciate, enjoy, and support - and at other times we notice something we dislike, discourage, and attack. These are the complicated boundaries that bound and weave through our lives and our relationships. Often there is nothing particularly right or wrong about boundaries - much of the time they are simply preferences of life. The challenge comes in when your personal preference conflicts with your partner's, which is where the intersection of conflict and resolution exist. Convincing someone to side or adopt your boundary on a topic is the bread and butter of arguing. It's a simple thing to assume your idea is so commonplace, shared with everyone, it is a bit of a shock to discover your partner doesn't align with you. There are so many shared cultural traditions that we often categorize such boundaries as "common sense." But have you considered that these traditions have a regional component? Ideas and cultural upbringing native to Oregon state might not exactly translate to ideas in North Carolina, and vice versa. It takes self-reflection, mindfulness, and concentrated consciousness to be aware of your rules and values on how to live life. Since so many behavior are default choices developed during childhood for human beings, it's easy to miss slowing down to consider why you think the way you think - when and why you learned different ideas. This is also why during relationships, your knowledge of yourself and your partner are different after one year as compared to after five years of being together. Awareness evolves of both yourself and others - and consciously navigating this space can lead to smoother conflict and the ability to practice the second goal below.</li>
<li><i><b>Honor Boundaries: </b></i>In my classes, I spend a good amount of time discussing how we define words and concepts. I find that while we understand words, we often have a hard time explaining what they mean without using examples or becoming a thesaurus and using like terms, concepts, and words. Honor is one of those words and concepts that I find is difficult to explain for most people. We feel it when it happens, and we can practice it when needed, but going through what it is tends to be more challenging. In order to honor boundaries you have, and honor boundaries your partner has in their life, it stands to reason that you both need to understand boundaries themselves, but also understand what honor is. For me, honor is tied to the ability to see the legitimacy of a perception, and operate in such a manner that you follow the direction of that perception - whether you directly agree or not. It is the courage to respect truth - the truth in you, or the truth in others. An often discussed aspect of honor - honoring your elders - is simply the willingness and ability to follow what an elder asks of you, and often is associated with tradition. With boundaries in relationships, since we all have infinite reasons and examples of rules we place onto ourselves and other's behavior, it is important to honor other's perspectives that may be different from your own. When your partner puts forward a limit, says they want you to do something you do not want to do, or wants to keep you from doing something you want to do - there is a great need to be open to influence to these requests. This does not mean you have to automatically go along with every request, but it does mean you have to consider this request, and demonstrate that you believe their perspective is valid and legitimate. If your partner puts forward a concrete boundary that is about their own personal life, then it becomes increasingly important to practice honor. This also means if you have a boundary of your own, you need to be able to practice asking for what you want or need, and with that be able to navigate disagreement surrounding that request.<i><b> </b></i><i><b> </b></i></li>
<li><i><b>Practice Listening:</b></i> What is the difference between listening and hearing? This ends up being a good topic of conversation, and I find that people tend to parse it down to listening is akin to attentiveness, whereas hearing is comprehending. In general, I think this is a good operational differentiation - as the two are definitely linked, but separate skills to practice. Dynamics of active listening are good to discuss and teach during battering intervention classes - appropriate eye contact, indicators of listening (such as nodding along), limiting distractions - but those are the superficial ones that are definitely good components, but the deeper listening strategies are just as, if not more important due to them being easily overlooked. How do you summarize someone else's perspective, what they just said to you - and check in to make sure you heard correctly? Where does remembering prior conversations with this person demonstrate your ability to listen and retain information - and how does remembering end up being an indicator of the importance and value you hold for the other person? Noticing is a critical part of listening - it's often not about words, or even tone of voice someone uses - body language and nonverbal communication is a bigger part of our interactions than we can fully appreciate. I think about texting on phones as an example. You can text, "I'm doing fine," and depending on the context of that statement, it can mean everything from a loving response, to a pleasantry that is not very meaningful, to a subtle attack. The person reading that text will put their own present state of mind and interpretation of the body language and meaning into those words - while the person typing it will have their own meaning. With any luck, you'll both be on the same page, and texting has evolved to use of emojis to try and allow more indication of emotional state behind the words used. In direct communication, we often interpret body language and the context of a situation without realizing it. Noticing is a critical part of listening, and paired with checking-in and summarizing can help to avoid a miscommunication.</li>
<li><i><b>Argue Respectfully:</b></i> Participants in my classes sometimes mention that they want to stop arguing with their partner, and are surprised when I respond that isn't realistic, or even helpful. Life is all about conflict, and relationships are especially rife for arguments. Much of that has to do with the individual boundaries we all have, and how they interact (as mentioned in 1, above), which means avoiding conflict will only serve to create distance between partners - not bring them closer together. In fact, many individuals in my classes have partially ended up in a domestic violence intervention class because of patterns of avoidance in their relationship. Realistically, part of being healthy in a relationship involves understanding how to argue with respect. This gets into that same need to define the word, and the concepts behind respect. Within society, many define respect by incorrectly associating the word with authority or fear. How often have you heard someone say "you've got to earn respect," or "I respected my father because if I didn't there'd be hell to pay"? Earning "respect" is about authority - whether it be position, seniority, or station - all of these things are about climbing the ladder of hierarchy. If you have to "respect" someone or pay a consequence of some time, that is better described as "obeying" and failing to obey leads to something fearful or painful. I, instead, speak of respect as involving the ability and willingness to care about someone else's thoughts, opinions, and emotions. If you argue out of respect, you are looking toward a resolution that often involves mutual benefit of some kind - and an excellent tactic is to find the kernel of truth in someone else's perspective. If you find something you agree with, you can expand on it and eventually work together. This can be difficult if someone's perspective is about you, and you are not open to such feedback - but that involves another dynamic of healthy relationships (18 and 31). I challenge some individuals to find a perspective they disagree about with their partner - and defend that perspective. If you can do that, you can often work toward resolution rather than pressing toward winning an argument.</li>
<li><i><b>Maintain Your Self-Care Needs: </b></i>During program intake appointments, I have participants fill out an <a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Adverse_Childhood_Experiences_Study">Adverse Childhood Experiences</a> form, a <a href="http://www.cqaimh.org/pdf/tool_phq9.pdf">depression screening tool</a> as well as a <a href="http://www.sadag.org/images/pdf/mdq.pdf">mood disorder tool</a>, in addition to other forms that contain risk assessment questions interspersed throughout the paperwork. When I give these papers out, I mention that if you don't take care of yourself, it's nearly impossible to care for anyone else. This is an important aspect of battering intervention, to navigate self-care and make sure it doesn't stray into the realm of selfishness. All human beings have needs and desires, and sometimes the two become conflated. We find something we want, and become convinced we have to have it - sacrificing relationships due to those desires. For many participants, this can come down to the topic of sex within their relationship. Failing to talk about sex leads to situations where an individual may not have sexual desires met - and that can be confused with a need, and justify cheating or other sexually hurtful behavior in a relationship. Beyond sex, I have found many men neglecting their physical health - not seeing a physician for routine health screenings, not taking medication for blood pressure, high cholesterol, or other health issues such as poor diet or not exercising. These self-care neglectful behavior can easily lead to relationship issues because on a whim, an individual with poor self-care can leverage a desire to a need, and use that to manipulate a partner. It is an individually responsible behavior to notice your needs and maintain them both with and beyond the support of a partner. Waiting for a partner to care for you isn't respectful or healthy. Making your needs superior to your partner's also isn't respectful or healthy. There is a need for balance, and both honoring your own and supporting your partner's needs. Maintaining your self-care needs is about introspection and consistency, and needs that involve emotional trauma and pain are incredibly important to recognize and address.</li>
<li><i><b>Know Your Non-Negotiables:</b></i> Rules we each have in how to live life, and define our values by what we think the purpose of life is overall. As a part of those values, we each have varying non-negotiables - boundaries we are unwilling to ever change. Often boundaries can be flexible preferences - say for example I prefer to eat Italian food, but I am open to other ideas about what to eat for dinner. When a participant in one of my classes attempts to blame their abusive or violent behavior on alcohol or drug use, saying it wasn't them, it was the substance - I use a gross example, asking the entire class of men how many drinks it would take for them to sexually abuse a child. Ever man suddenly says, with complete confidence, there aren't enough drinks in the world. The answer to this is that there is a non-negotiable behind not being sexually inappropriate with a child. No condition will make that choice acceptable. This means that assaulting a partner, hurting a partner in some way while intoxicated has nothing to do with the substance, but instead has to do with the ideas in a person's mind about what is okay to do. If someone fantasizes about hurting their partner verbally, or even thinks about responding to a conflict with physical assault - it's not that much of a leap to make that choice directly. In relationships, we have certain boundaries that could make a relationship untenable, completely incompatible. It is important to get to know someone else in several ways before fully committing due to this point. If you know what is not negotiable in your life, you can communicate it directly, and you have a better chance of being able to navigate and learn other's non-negotiables. I often say during classes that it is better to choose a partner by the things that irritate you that you can accept and enjoy as a quirk of their personality as opposed to only choosing partners by the fun you have together. Some conflicts may never be resolved because each person is not willing to change a part of their rules in life.</li>
<li><i><b>Show Appreciation as Often as Possible:</b></i> Demonstrating caring for others is a major component of respect, and the foundation of caring is appreciating. Appreciation is about value, showing someone you value them, and by doing so adding value to their own life. Appreciation can be small gestures of love, gifts and services, expressions verbally or non-verbally, or an ongoing attitude. Ideally, there will be a mix of how you demonstrate appreciation in a relationship, but it takes mindfulness and noticing to fully value your partner.</li>
<li><i><b>Learn to Navigate Hard Times With Dignity: </b></i>Life is full of ups and downs, challenges and successes. When it comes to difficulties, some people are able to be dignified in the face of bad and hard times, while others lack dignity altogether. Dignity is about maintaining a sense of <i>self-respect</i> when challenged. As mentioned in #4 above, respect is caring about someone's thoughts, opinions, and emotions - self-respect is doing that for yourself. It's easy to get wrapped up in struggles and lash out, attack others to try and get out of problems, turn to self-medicating and develop substance abuse issues or other poor self-care quick fixes. Recognizing that things are not going well, but knowing what you need to do to press forward and maintain connection to your values despite experiencing pain is the very essence of dignity. Slipping on individual values due to personal struggles can lead to disconnecting from your partner, hurting that person you may have had great value for, and ultimately hurting yourself as a result.</li>
<li><i><b>Share Your Life With Your Partner:</b></i> All relationships evolve over time, but occasionally during that evolution the couple becomes so comfortable one or both become bored and stop sharing with each other. Sharing life is definitely about shared experiences, but also about the events that happen in each person's life. Work events, personal successes, hobbies (#15 goes into this more in depth), family interactions, struggles, new learning and education are all examples of categories that individuals evolve and grow separately from their partner - and ideally these experiences are shared between both people. It doesn't necessarily mean your partner is involved in everything, but that you make efforts to talk about and share things with your partner. For example, if one person goes on a work trip and as a part of the trip goes to a delicious restaurant, when back together with his or her partner there's talk about that restaurant and perhaps even efforts to go together at a later date. </li>
<li><i><b>Be Flexible With Chores:</b></i> Unpleasant tasks are a part of everyday household maintenance, and while people tend to have tasks they are okay with doing no one tends to love doing chores. As part of a respectful and healthy relationship, chores tend to be divided between partners. A part of this distribution hopefully involves some sort of agreed upon distribution, either by quantity of chores or by the weight of the duty itself (perhaps food preparation and meal planning is not the same weight as taking the garbage out to the street). Regardless of this distribution, how do a couple work together to finish all the tasks? If someone is feeling overwhelmed, or runs out of time to complete a task, does the other person fill in or assist? When assisting, does the other person want high praise and exaltation, or does the task as a part of both demonstrating appreciation and being a partner? Throughout life, chores ebb and flow as well as ability and desire to complete certain tasks. Can the chores be renegotiated and redistributed as needed, and is there ongoing discussion about meeting household needs without making such discussion contentious? If someone is failing in their duties, what is the process of arguing respectfully about those needs? These are important questions to both ask and act out of when considering the completion of chores.</li>
</ol>
So completes the first ten items on the list of Healthy and Respectful Relationship goals. <a href="http://www.dvinterventioneducation.com/2018/12/RespectfulHealthyRelationshipsList2.html" target="_blank">Part two will be published in a few days.</a> Please let me know in the comments if you have any questions about any of these, and please see the attached document which lists 30 of 31 that will be discussed in the weeks to come. I have designed it so if you wanted to use it for your agency, you may edit it to place your details. Please do not remove the box with the history of the document and my contact information, and if you make changes to the listed items, please discuss with me first.<br />
<br />
<a href="https://docs.google.com/document/d/1cUuBqijJXSxE0NLwxgYgaCT-2xStJJUiKgIaXvp_CD8/edit?usp=sharing" target="_blank">THIRTY RESPECTFUL & HEALTHY WAYS PROGRAM PAMPHLET</a><br />
<br />
<br />Christopher Hallhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14736385436432859371noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1010965936320411303.post-38897251429873102462018-06-29T14:03:00.004-04:002018-06-29T14:06:24.366-04:00The Dearth of Meaning and Escalation of HarmIn my battering intervention classes, I follow the Emerge Model. The curriculum I use includes some from Emerge, but also has several lessons that I have created over the years for various reasons. Emerge tends to use the "Relationship History" with each participant to look at patterns of harm and where things may have gone downhill in a relationship. While I think that is an excellent individual activity, I don't think it works as well for everyone and have a few other options of lessons for those who might benefit from a different sort of introspection.<br />
<br />
I will often use an "Empathy Letter" activity for those who are still in their relationship, and want to work to repair and make things better. That activity has places to give feedback on methods of owning up to hurtful behavior, describing motives, understanding impacts, and working on specific repairs. Identifying patterns alone may not help an individual who needs to consider ongoing shifts in how to have conflict and how to identify personal responsibilities to a partner.<br />
<br />
For those participants with a very obvious pattern of harm, I use a "Cycle of Harm" that allows an individual to identify a build up of thoughts that promote abusive, violent, and hurtful behavior - and the thinking after that harm that keeps the cycle going. Even though I am not a fan of the Emerge "Role Play" activity, I still do that on occasion to address participants with a "here we go again" sort of conflict history.<br />
<br />
However, over the past two weeks I have been working with a man, and for the purposes of this story let's call him Frank. Frank is in his 50s, and his longest relationship was in the early 90s which lasted approximately three and a half years. Most of his relationships last for a few months, and the relationship where he threatened his ex-partner was a total of two months of being together. I knew after hearing his brief description of his relationships that a relationship history wouldn't really work well. Same with an empathy letter as he was not in a relationship to repair. A cycle didn't work because he had different hurtful things he did in different relationships. With all that in mind, I decided to address a thicker topic with him that is hard to encapsulate, but is a powerful activity in its own right: an assignment on boundaries.<br />
<br />
Boundaries are an under-addressed topic in battering intervention classes. Sure, we set boundaries as far as class rules, norms, and policies but we don't often take time to look at how participants set their own boundaries or notice them in others. Boundaries are these limits we have in our minds about a variety of things, a multitude of personal rules, thinking on how the world and life in general work. We often address boundaries in fractured ways - discussing masculinity, talking about motives for violence, methods of power and control. Sometimes, we even focus on respectful and healthy boundaries and how to manage conflict without violence or abuse. We just rarely bring it all together to discuss an individual's unique set of ideas that spur their actions in relationships.<br />
<br />
I asked Frank to talk briefly about his relationship with his ex-partner where he threatened her. He talked about discovering her cheating on him, and the first time he gave her the benefit of the doubt because they had only been together two weeks, and her contact was with an ex-partner she had children with. The second time he found out, he left her threatening voicemails that he couldn't remember details of but did remember saying something to the effect of "I hope you lose everything you have in life." He also stopped by her house, noticing another man's motorcycle in her driveway. He was charged with stalking and cyberstalking alongside making threats.<br />
<br />
His description was a bit vague, but also succinct and with a two month relationship there were more details than I might have thought. In moving the activity forward, I had a brief discussion with the class about what boundaries were. They joined in and provided different angles to the idea of personal rules and limits, which got the ball rolling in the direction I had hoped.<br />
<br />
Frank was pretty easy to talk with, and came up with physical boundaries relatively quickly. He knew that he didn't like close talking unless it was something "important" and talked about how one woman he was with would come up and whisper to him and it would irritate him quite a bit. He had some definite dinner rules about not chewing with your mouth open, no smoking or playing with a cell phone at the table. He was fine with chores, and enjoys keeping his house neat, clean, and smelling good, and overall he wants a partner who is independent, works full time, and still is able to keep up with chores. He talked about a woman he never met in person who asked him "would you prefer a woman who worked part-time and kept the house spotless, or a woman who worked full-time but wasn't able to keep up with cleaning." His immediate response was to not consider her as relationship material, but also to shake his head and say that if you can't do both (like he does) then there's something wrong with you.<br />
<br />
In the group, this led to some head nodding and agreement with some of the other participants. I don't think this is much more than a declaration of personal preferences. Those sort of boundaries can become problematic if an individual isn't able to notice incompatibility soon into developing a relationship, or holds on to an idea of "training" someone to do what they want. Frank was straightforward of his beliefs, and seemed quite able to keep a relationship from happening if he saw warning signs rising.<br />
<br />
His emotional boundaries pointed out a few details that were important for him to know of himself, and know how to communicate in a relationship. He said when he became angry, his "filter turns off." Again, many of the participants nodded, seeing that experience as similar to their own. We discussed briefly how respectful and healthy communication involves the ability to filter negative self-talk, and choose methods of responding to anger without causing pain or fear in another person.<br />
<br />
With emotion, however, we also discussed how he felt loved in a relationship. His methods involve giving gifts, helping someone out, and feeling loved when the other person expresses appreciation. Of course, this is a set-up for any number of negative self-talks, and direct as well as indirect harms when another person does not show appreciation just as he might want them to. He categorized his way of showing love as giving gifts, a playful "smack on the ass," giving compliments, and doing "gentlemanly" polite things. In the class we discussed the concept of "love languages" and how we all as human beings have ways we want to be loved, and ways we want to show love to others - and the complexities of interacting with someone who might have different ideas on that topic. How do you negotiate situations where your love language doesn't match?<br />
<br />
This is where we got into brain mapping territory, and considerations of selfishness. I asked the group how many thought people, in general, were selfish. Most hands went up quickly. I asked them to identify how they saw selfishness in others. A truck driver said people drive without caring about others, and just being in their own worlds. Another participant said his wife just wanted to go out with her friends and didn't care what he thought about it. Another agreed and said his partner wouldn't do chores but expected him to. They all agreed with the idea of double standards and hypocrisy as selfish.<br />
<br />
Then I asked them how they were selfish in their own lives.<br />
<br />
They had a harder time with this. I gave some simple examples in my own life, how I ate the last two delicious smoked ribs in the fridge without asking my partner if she wanted them. How I procrastinate and the selfishness behind that. Eventually I got a few examples, but it was harder for some reason. Well, actually it was hard for a very specific reason.<br />
<br />
We are all self-oriented. We see the world, hear the world, experience the world through our own minds. We can put ourselves in other's perspectives, sure, but in reality - such empathy is fantasy. I can never inhabit someone else's life, I cannot fully understand other's experiences. I read something recently that discussed how our personal concept of self is unique to us. Every single person we interact with has a concept of us as individuals. Some of those concepts overlap, but by in large, our own self-concept is unique to us and no one outside of yourself will ever fully know what that is. This makes it easy to come up with reasons, excuses, explanations for personal behavior while readily jumping to judge others.<br />
<br />
As human beings, we disconnect ourselves from others at the drop of a hat. When our concept of someone conflicts with how another person is acting, we can easily deny their experience, their reasoning, their opinion. We can discount their emotions. We can remove any regard we have for that person in favor of judging what we absolutely know is true because we see it through our perspective.<br />
<br />
In relationships, these disconnects can add up. It takes a lot of work to maintain a connection with someone, to actively seek to see and care about their point of view. And when you don't? Controlling behavior, abuse, violence, general harm are easy territories to jump into.<br />
<br />
Moving into mental boundaries, Frank talked about how he would get quiet when he was stressed, how he hated it when people assumed he spoke Spanish or thought they knew his heritage. He hated "stupidity," "liars," and "saggy pants." We also discussed boundaries of exciting things, how we express passion for things we love - and for Frank he loves motorcycles, engines and mechanics, and his mom's chocolate pie. How does someone take a subject like "stupidity" and apply it to people and situations? How does someone categorize a "lie" from another person? How does someone communicate how they express stress in their life? We had a discussion about how people responded when hungry. I get loopy, and have a hard time making decisions or engaging in conversation. Others get "hangry" and yet others feel sick. How do you communicate your responses to something as simple as hunger in a relationship, and how do you talk about the PROCESS of your life to explain the CONTENT more accurately? The answer is many people do not, and that is an easy place to again create disconnect and harm.<br />
<br />
The real point of this article, however, is on spiritual space and boundaries. But before I get there, a small aside on the other two categories. Discussing sexual boundaries is important - ideas on family planning and children, sexual frequency desires, even overall methods of showing affection beyond sex. All are important to navigate in a relationship in direct and respectful manners. Relational space and boundaries are also very important - how do you see the idea of "partnership" in a relationship? What do you expect of yourself in a relationship, and what do you expect of the person you are with? How could expectations of self and partner lead to that hypocrisy we discussed before? More excellent questions to bring up and have conversations about in battering intervention.<br />
<br />
The thing that shocked me the most, but maybe it shouldn't have, is that Frank had no idea what his meaning in life was. Yes, we have as a culture had several things we have popular media over that contemplate the "meaning of life." Monty Python had an entire movie about "The Meaning of Life." Douglas Adams made some hilarious commentary about the answer to "life, the universe, and everything" is 42, but we don't know the proper question. But it's not that much of a mystery, really.<br />
<br />
Spirituality, in my experience and belief, is the concept of value. What do I hold dear? Why is my life better because my partner is in it? How do I add value to my partner's life? What are my morals, my ethics? Spirituality, in my experience and belief, is the concept of purpose, of meaning. What am I working towards? What is my contribution to others close to me, to the world as a whole? What purpose keeps me going and feeds my values?<br />
<br />
In some people's lives, that answer can be tied to their religious beliefs. Religions have a multitude of tomes on values to ascribe to, rules to follow, rituals to practice. That is of great importance to many, and they structure their lives to constantly work toward specific goals in their relationships with others and community. For some people, their religion is a ritual, but not a value or a purpose. Going to church, synagogue, temple, whatever it might be - that is just a thing you do, not a thing you care about beyond the ritual itself. Others pick specific messages that support their world view and use those messages to convince or browbeat others into philosophical submission or fear. Others frame their lives through personal focus and try to influence others through their behavior.<br />
<br />
But to not be able to identify a purpose? It wasn't just Frank. No one in my group of nine participants had an answer to their meaning in life. No one even mentioned their children or families as their purpose, and I was sure there would be at least one person to do that. In the silence following the question, I talked about where meeting a potential partner at a place you volunteer could be a great way to connect to someone with similar values and meaning in life. I got some scoffing at that - who has time to volunteer? I discussed how we always give time for things that have value. We discussed Aldous Huxley's "Brave New World" and the control over society through entertainment and I asked them if they were controlled by entertainment. Many of them agreed. Their excitement in life was over "stuff" and over doing things. Frank said he always knew what he was doing each night because of what television show was on. That was important to him.<br />
<br />
It struck me as a bit of an epiphany. Are we, perhaps, not going deep enough in working to address domestic violence? Is there more to hurtful behavior than simply discussing violence? Where is self-respect in our discussions? How do we make health, compromise, caring, regard a part of participant's value systems, or even a part of what gives them purpose in their lives?<br />
<br />
I'm not sure I have much in the way of answers here, but I certainly know that if you do not care about anything, if you have no purpose in life, there really aren't many barriers to hurting others, or hurting yourself. If your purpose has been compromised by "value slipping*" then what holds true for you? How do you build up family and relationship in a world dominated by personal perspective and justification at all costs? Where your reasoning is all about whether someone agrees with your world view or not.<br />
<br />
I say in classes all the time, this work is never about giving answers - they are more individual to the person, and my answers won't fit others' situations. These classes are about asking the right questions. And with that - are we truly asking all the best questions during battering intervention classes?<br />
<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhEs-ql4ovXzc02tVLV5-tuiMhM0SH9wD4ViOGM5etKsDPZ3RHWB75LjyaSaC6D42A3rAcVeQsQnykSISN-AJP5wV2ztg46v7ve37eu1PAHlGjklYgETumMMzGadKJ0QbHJ2_jujP5F7Ng/s1600/Boundaries-Cropped.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="218" data-original-width="1600" height="43" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhEs-ql4ovXzc02tVLV5-tuiMhM0SH9wD4ViOGM5etKsDPZ3RHWB75LjyaSaC6D42A3rAcVeQsQnykSISN-AJP5wV2ztg46v7ve37eu1PAHlGjklYgETumMMzGadKJ0QbHJ2_jujP5F7Ng/s320/Boundaries-Cropped.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Write up of the activity with Frank in class. Pardon my messy handwriting!</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br />
<br />
-----<br />
<br />
<br />
*"Value slipping" is a concept of violating a small part of your values and beliefs and after doing so, feeling guilty but moving on and then more easily devaluing other rules in your life. I give examples in group about someone who has a religious belief about not having sex before marriage, yet has sex multiple times before marrying someone. How does such an experience sour other religious messages or rules, and what does that slippery slope look like?Christopher Hallhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14736385436432859371noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1010965936320411303.post-29693174024846605762018-03-27T17:17:00.001-04:002018-03-27T17:19:59.090-04:00Report Writing for Battering Intervention ClassesAdministrative issues in domestic violence work are topics that are easily seen as dry, boring, and for some even unnecessary if they are doing direct service work. Cultures within agencies and programs are easily ingrained and accepted with little critical thought, sometimes because front line workers have little power to address them, and at other times because workers with very little experience are placed in roles where they do not fully understand the content, let alone the administrative structure. In addition, battering intervention work is easily downplayed in importance and need,
with interns gaining responsibility, agencies investing few resources,
or the program itself becoming sidelined due to other agency needs. These are all issues which need to be addressed to create an effective program, and report writing is a dynamic which can link to several of these challenges in this work.<br />
<br />
When I conduct supervision, I consider administrative issues to be important ones. When discussing clinical challenges, I stress creating balance between process and content. You both need to understand the specific details of individuals in the group and curriculum/educational information (content), and the boundaries of group rules and how individuals make their way through the sessions of the class (process). I have written before that there is a need to know the difference between the model used for intervention (the process of the class, the structure of the rules, the beginning, middle and end experience of the individual participant) and the curriculum used for education (the lesson plans, activities, use of media, structured discussions). The article is going to be focused on methods of reporting on an individual participant in a battering intervention program.<br />
<br />
<u><b>INTAKE:</b></u><br />
Each program has intake paperwork that gathers background information on incoming participants. While this is not strictly reporting a battering intervention worker will do to outside sources, these documents help inform later reporting, and sometimes help to establish rapport and understanding og the individual participant. The format this takes is sometimes an individual interview, sometimes a group orientation, sometimes a group overview. State guidelines and standards often determine the content requirements, but some of the important aspects include:<br />
<ol>
<li><u>Danger/Risk/Lethality assessment:</u> Specific questions on paperwork that give indications of potential lethality are important to include, along with understanding that such assessment is an ongoing process throughout an individual's time in the program, not just during paperwork. It is best to have these questions spread out, rather than in a block, as someone filling out intake paperwork may gloss over extreme questions if they are all together, particularly when they are "yes or no" answers. Most often, these questions come from <a href="https://www.dangerassessment.org/" target="_blank">Jaqueline Campbell's work on Domestic Violence Danger Assessment.</a></li>
<li><u>Screening tools:</u> These may vary by program, but I personally like to use the PHQ9, the Mood Disorders Questionnaire, and the Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACE). I think such items support participants in working toward self-care, and often provide words to experiences that make depression, mental illness, and childhood trauma difficult to talk about and seek help over. This paperwork serves a dual purpose: identifying potential problem areas for individuals, and providing humanization by specifically discussing how domestic violence classes are not just about harm toward others, but also harms toward self. It can demonstrate a layer of care over the individual that can be important in establishing rapport and motivating change.</li>
<li><u>Description of harms:</u> If done as an individual interview, this might engage a participant prior to group to discuss hurtful behavior. I personally think it is better, as an engagement strategy, to collect basic information without getting into detail unless the participant wants to provide it. I want to know charged crimes (if applicable), general patterns of harm, motives for hurtful behavior, a participant's perception of the situation, and I also consider general attitude as a part of collecting this information. Some programs collect police reports and collaborative information or require it for initial intake appointments. I think these can be useful secondary information and a way to ask specific questions, but can also become distracting toward motivating change and allowing an individual participant to see where they might need to make shifts in their behavior in relationships overall.</li>
<li><u>Objective data collection:</u> I like to do pre-post collection of information to show overall program efficacy and to determine usefulness of the program and potential for updates and feedback from participants. I use an adapted version of <a href="https://www.emergedv.com/miscellaneous.html" target="_blank">Emerge's Violent and Controlling Behavior Checklist</a>, but I know some programs prefer to use versions of the <a href="https://www.theduluthmodel.org/wheels/" target="_blank">Power and Control Wheels</a>. I also have a survey that asks for goals, concerns, perceptions of how the class might be useful for the individual, and how a participant describes respect and harm in relationships. I find that comparing the survey and the checklist before entering class, and after finishing provide some insight that is useful for participants, and fascinating for reporting on the program overall.</li>
<li><u>Intake letter:</u> I avoid doing any assessing of participants until they have attended 6-8 class sessions. I will often say during intakes, "this is the first time I've met you, and I know when I meet someone for the first time, I don't tell them my entire life story. Especially not details of things I am not proud of, or don't want to talk about. I don't expect you to do that with me today, although I am going to collect some background information so I can start learning how I can help you the best I can." This is a part of working to use <a href="https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/books/NBK64964/" target="_blank">Motivational Interviewing</a> engagement strategies in the program, and it is best to do so as early as possible. Some states require writing a letter informing the referral source that an individual has entered the program, general information about battering intervention groups, the date and time the individual agreed to start classes, and contact information for the program and group facilitators. I suggest such letters not provide details beyond a general statement that the person is accepted into the program due to admission of hurtful behavior. </li>
</ol>
<u><b>ASSESSMENT REPORTS:</b></u><br />
I work to communicate that there is no such thing as a domestic violence evaluation. People request them all the time, and the general assumption is that such an evaluation will determine if someone NEEDS the program or not. Whenever I hear this request, it is from an individual who definitely believes they do not need the program, and therefore will be evaluated as such. The reason for this confusion, in my experience, is that mental health treatment and substance abuse counseling both involve an evaluation. These evaluations use psychological tools, drug testing, structured interviews, evaluative guidelines, and diagnostic determination for an individual. From all of these sources of information, a determination is made for the TYPE of treatment an individual will receive. This may include inpatient treatment, individual counseling 1-5 times weekly, group sessions, educational sessions, or a combination of things. <a href="https://www.asam.org/resources/the-asam-criteria/about" target="_blank">The American Society of Addiction Medicine (ASAM)</a> has a breakdown of axes which look at factors within an individual's life which may intersect with substance use, and help to determine what sort of treatment might work best. Battering Intervention does not have any such screening tools, any diagnostic components, guidance on setting criteria, or differentiation of classes necessary, save the state of <a href="http://www.bwjp.org/resource-center/resource-results/colorado-dv-offender-treatment.html" target="_blank">Colorado </a><span style="font-size: x-small;"><i>(which has a process for domestic violence offenders, but I disagree with several of their foundational research studies they have used to justify separation of participants which are based on general criminal populations, not specific to domestic violence offenders. They also charge a fee for initial intake that is often comparable to a full self-pay mental health evaluation of anywhere from $600-$1500). </i> </span><br />
<br />
The assessment for battering intervention is simply: is the individual appropriate for the class or not? This means that a report that determines appropriateness needs to be based on factors that make the classes useful for an individual. Complications arise when an individual participant is referred due to non-intimate partner violence, which may count as "domestic violence" but dynamics with parents, children, siblings, roommates, or extended family are much different than intimate partner relationships and are best treated differently.<br />
<br />
Some criteria I use to assess appropriateness include:<br />
<ul>
<li>The participant admits to hurtful behavior in a relationship toward an intimate partner</li>
<li>The description of hurtful behavior includes patterns and history in the relationship</li>
<li>The participant speaks both about the incident leading to referral and dynamics of harm throughout the relationship (which may include answering "why did things go downhill?")</li>
</ul>
In general, if someone is referred for a violent, abusive, or coercive controlling incident in an intimate partner relationship they will be appropriate for the class. The assessment looks at willingness to admit to hurtful behavior, and a certain degree of acknowledging patterns of harm. For those who are not referred for intimate partner violence, some additional pieces I consider have to do with the ability of the individual to speak defensively of their intimate partner, admit to hurtful behavior within "normal limits" with an intimate partner (which would include speaking about arguments, selfish and/or controlling behavior that does not stray into abuse or violence), the context of the incident itself, and the interest for the individual in joining the class in general.<br />
<br />
For example, one man I saw for an assessment had a fight with his adult daughter over her moving out of the house because she had not followed through with an agreement to stay in treatment. He and his wife agreed with this decision (per his report), and when he spoke about his wife he did so with care and admitted to raising his voice during arguments on occasion, and lying to her about where he was going (specifically related to him coming to the class, because he said she was very stressed about his court involvement). He was assessed as inappropriate because while his incident was perhaps domestic violence related (this point could be argued), his report about his relationship with his wife over the course of 40 years seemed based in overall health and respect, and his contributions to class discussions over six class sessions consistently demonstrated this attitude about her.<br />
<br />
Another individual was referred for brandishing a knife toward his adult siblings when they were arguing during him making dinner. He was not in a relationship at the time. While discussing the incident, he admitted to his threatening behavior toward them. He then spoke to a history in his relationships that included direct violence with a former partner, and dismissive neglectful patterns in a more recent relationship. During his sixth class session when doing a long check-in, he said directly that he needed to be in the class as he had learned about ways he had been violent that he never had considered before. The incident bringing him to the class may not have been intimate partner related, but this history and his willingness to look at his patterns made him appropriate. Now in his case, if he had not spoken to a history in his relationships, without collaborative information, it may have been difficult to assess him as appropriate due to the lack of intimate partner relationship history - but such things demonstrate why intake paperwork can be an important part of this process.<br />
<br />
When writing an assessment report, I suggest that facilitators take notes when an individual talks about hurtful patterns of behavior. I use the <a href="http://www.dvinterventioneducation.com/2016/12/EmergeModelOverview.html" target="_blank">Emerge model</a> of intervention, which means I believe in doing a long check-in at session 6-8 of the program. I ask questions about most recent harms, what the individual considers to be the "worst" hurtful behavior, what the incident was that resulted in referral (if not otherwise disclosed), the history of the relationship currently, prior history of relationships, and specific questions about other physical assaults, sexual harms, affairs, and threats. I also tend to ask "why did your relationship go downhill" as it tends to give a lot of information about the context of the relationship overall. All of these answers given by the individual I capture quotes and detail for use in reporting. The structure of the report includes:<br />
<br />
<ol>
<li><u>Information on payment and attendance:</u> this includes any financial issues, tardiness, missing classes, and overall administrative compliance with the program. This may mean I include information on an individual's inconsistency, or alternately their ability and willingness to communicate problems they might experience while attending the class. </li>
<li><u>Participation:</u> detailing how an individual uses the classes, this can be anywhere from minimal participation noted, excessive or inappropriate participation, or details on how an individual contributes or uses the class appropriately. </li>
<li><u>Report of hurtful behavior:</u> I start here by listing information on the referral incident. The challenge in this section is never adding in secondary information a participant might give which places responsibility onto others, justifies hurtful behavior, or exposes other people's personal issues. It is important to think about the reports through the lens of how a victim/survivor might read the report, and how a defense or prosecuting attorney might read the report. If a victim/survivor could read the report and say "those are lies about me," or if a prosecutor or a defense attorney reads the report and thinks "we need to charge the victim/survivor," or "if that is how it happened, we need to dismiss the case," then the report needs to be rewritten. The goal of reports are never to try a case, but rather to provide information on how a participant views themselves and their patterns of harm. If an individual blames, then it is possible to write "Mr. Jones justifies his behavior by focusing on Ms. Jones' behavior" or to simply not include such information at all and focus exclusively on hurtful behavior the participant admits to. This section will also detail patterns and history, and may include other dates and times of harm. It is important to either specifically name times (years and months when available), or if speaking of general patterns to identify a timeframe (in a prior relationship X years ago). Generally speaking about behavior without a time reference could again be used for or against someone in legal negotiations, and is important to differentiate for clarity. I often also include details of cheating, other physical harms, and threats in this section.</li>
<li><u>Concerns:</u> It is important to note concerns for each individual participant. Sometimes concerns are related to administrative compliance issues, sometimes for behavior issues in the class, sometimes for specific nature of harms in a relationship, sometimes for current behavior in a relationship, sometimes with self-care issues and/or overlaps with mental health or substance abuse issues. Occasionally, I have noted the very real possibility that an individual is feeding me information to coach a report but there may be additional information left out. Noting concerns can be helpful to discuss with a co-facilitator or supervisor.</li>
<li><u>Recommendations:</u> The most common recommendation is to complete the program, however, if there are secondary issues to be addressed such as parenting, mental health, or substance abuse related needs, then I will note that the individual may benefit from specific care in other areas. As this is not an evaluation report, recommendations are best as suggestions and if needs are apparent, these suggestions are best made for the individual to be evaluated for services by someone else.</li>
</ol>
<b><u>REGULAR/ONGOING REPORTS:</u></b><br />
There may be state guidelines that outline needs for reports on a monthly, quarterly, or even weekly basis. Often this can be determined by the needs of the referral sources. <br />
<ul>
<li><u>Weekly reports:</u> I currently do weekly reports on participants via email. These reports are basic attendance and compliance issues, and occasionally I will write a note that summarizes a problem. If weekly reporting is needed, it is best done in a list style. This can create confidentiality issues, and have several logistical challenges as a result. Most of my referrals are from a specific probation department, so I do a list of every class participant, but those not referred by them I use initials instead of names. The challenge with this method of reporting is it tends to lack detail, and problems are not flagged until they are bigger issues.</li>
<li><u>Monthly reports:</u> Overall, I think this is the best method of ongoing reports. It does become cumbersome for facilitators to write reports on every participant, but it structures an individual's process through the program which is useful when behavior builds over time, and can often be protective of program staff's decisions about individual participants. I like to use a section with check-off boxes to simplify the process, and a section with notes to add in information on how a participant is in the classes. Most commonly, the notes section contains a statement such as "Mr. Jones participated appropriately during class sessions," but it allows facilitators an opportunity to communicate information on individual activities, challenges, ongoing issues inside or outside the class, or details on behavior problems.</li>
<li><u>Status updates:</u> These are simple reports, often just listing attendance and payment details. I often do these per request, and they are not specifically scheduled.</li>
<li><u>Letters/information to partner/victim/survivors:</u> State requirements may indicate a need to conduct partner contacts, and occasionally may require a letter to be sent to a participant's partner and/or ex-partner. If this is a practice, it is important to detail the limitations of the group, information on how to get support or advocacy, and contact information for the program specifically. It can be good to provide a pamphlet outlining the program goals, and basic information on domestic violence. </li>
</ul>
<u><b>DISCHARGE/TERMINATION/COMPLETION REPORTS:</b></u><br />
For completion reports, I mirror the format of the assessment report, including all the sections as listed above. If someone is completing, I will insert additional information on "report of abuse" if additional information came forward during an individual activity, and also tend to expand on participation information to detail how the individual used the groups overall. Concerns may shift based on how facilitators have experienced the individual, and recommendations often include a line such as "if Mr. Jones were to be abusive or violent, he may return to the program," in addition to any overall needs that may have been identified during the course of the program.<br />
<br />
Termination reports are also mirrored, but often list information on last attended session, outstanding balance due, content on the reason for termination, and concerns tend to highlight those reasons. Administrative discharges (participant moved, changed programs, is released due to medical issues, is suspending program participation for an agreed upon allowance, etc) need to detail out the reasons for closure, methods of reentry, and also follow the same format overall.<br />
<br />
Sometimes, when an individual never attends a class, or drops out before completing an assessment (most common terminations in my experience) I will write a shorter letter outlining the issues leading to termination. I may also draw from intake paperwork to detail some information if it seems necessary to use the entire termination report format.<br />
<br />
<u><b>PROBLEMS TO AVOID WITH REPORTS IN BIP:</b></u><br />
The most common issue I have seen with program reporting is including impersonal check-off report styles with little to no context, or providing a "certificate" at the end of the program. Often I find that battering intervention workers may not understand how dangerous such practices can be for victims/survivors. Lack of detail in reports can be used against victims/survivors by saying things such as "hey, I finished my program and they loved me there - said I could teach the class - and she hasn't done anything." This is an easy set up, and may lead to court systems making decisions in favor of someone who is abusive, and uses the certificate to further manipulation and control. Check-off style reports without individual details can sometimes contain things such as "good progress/poor progress" which seems to indicate that the facilitators know definite risk and how a participant is using the program. However, a primary characteristic of domestic violence offenders are that they are excellent radars, and great at using those radars to manipulate others. I can never guarantee that even the seemingly most enlightened participant has changed behavior without doing a partner/victim contact and having knowledge of behavior outside of the class. Judging absorption of material is not the place facilitators need to focus - let the individual's behavior speak for itself through quotes, and detail of attitude in the class. After all, participation in class is a mirror into behavior in intimate partner relationships.<br />
<br />
Other problems involve facilitators not understanding why report writing is an important part of accountability. Yes, it is sometimes an administrative headache, but when the safety of victims/survivors is at risk it is both necessary and ethical to make sure reports are neutral or worse about participants, and that assessment or discharge reports always contain information that describes the participant's hurtful, abusive, violent, and controlling behavior. Some programs, who may have an integrated community coordinated response that involves extensive contact with referral sources in an authentic and working relationship may minimize paperwork due to this. That doesn't mean reporting doesn't happen - it just means the reporting is directed through interpersonal connections, not by paperwork. I prefer the paper trail, regardless, because it CAN potentially be used against an abuser who might evidence increased risk or danger.<br />
<br />
For this reason, reports for BIP should be neutral or worse. Remember that "positive" reports might overlook manipulations an individual abuser has worked to use against facilitators. The thinking error of "<a href="https://books.google.com/books?id=ZfO9TN_RIH8C&pg=PA508&lpg=PA508&dq=feeding+the+change+agent+what+the+criminal+thinks+he+wants+to+hear&source=bl&ots=cdKqUwXg8-&sig=jK7A9jp58RnqSrqNm2Gt0HiU8UY&hl=en&sa=X&ved=0ahUKEwjTsqzftY3aAhXtguAKHYjTDO4Q6AEIKTAA#v=onepage&q=feeding%20the%20change%20agent%20what%20the%20criminal%20thinks%20he%20wants%20to%20hear&f=false" target="_blank">feeding the change agent what the change agent wants to hear</a>" is particularly challenging in BIP classes, and often can lead facilitators to miss how an individual participant avoids responsibility and accountability in classes, and might be using the class to look good and further harm others. <br />
<br />
What are your experiences? Have you worked in agencies with excellent or poor reporting systems, and how did you navigate those spaces? What is your philosophy behind report writing and administrative details of this work?Christopher Hallhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14736385436432859371noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1010965936320411303.post-15992436536747559902018-01-16T16:25:00.001-05:002018-01-16T20:23:05.532-05:00Aziz Ansari and Sexual Harms Beyond AssaultAttention continues to rise for inappropriate sexual behavior by male celebrities. This weekend, <a href="https://babe.net/2018/01/13/aziz-ansari-28355" target="_blank">an article</a> highlighting a sexual encounter between Aziz Ansari and an anonymous woman (Grace) has brought up discussion of consent, sexual pressure and coercion, and where his responsibilities lie within this brief relationship. <br />
<br />
A major challenge of celebrity is the illusion of intimacy. Personally, I like Mr. Ansari. I greatly enjoyed "Master of None" and have found his work to be excellent over the years. But his work as an actor, producer, and writer tell me nothing about him personally. My connection to him is passive - I watch him in his shows and feel like I am getting to know him, know who he is, know how he thinks, but it is just one way. He has never met me, knows nothing about me - and the information I have on him is a created image. As with all created images, there is no doubt a certain mirror into his life, but it is necessarily going to be full of inaccuracies.<br />
<br />
I believe this is one of the major reasons there seem to be a large amount of blame placed on this anonymous woman, and general backlash against the #metoo movement due to this woman's story. <a href="http://www.cnn.com/videos/us/2018/01/16/open-letter-to-aziz-ansari-sexual-assault-accuser-banfield.hln" target="_blank">Aziz is a good guy or s</a><a href="https://www.blogger.com/null" target="_blank">he should have done A, B, or C</a>! <a href="https://www.nytimes.com/2018/01/15/opinion/aziz-ansari-babe-sexual-harassment.html" target="_blank">She's treating him unfairly</a>!<br />
<br />
This is also a bit like a real life version of the <a href="https://www.newyorker.com/magazine/2017/12/11/cat-person" target="_blank">"Cat Person"</a> short story that was recently published in the New Yorker (<a href="http://www.dvinterventioneducation.com/2018/01/concession-stand-girl.html" target="_blank">and my fictionalized response in the man's perspective here</a>). Was this really more about bad sex, a consensual tryst that Grace did not enjoy, that led to her complaining about her experience later?<br />
<br />
<br />
These are important questions to ask, but maybe we are missing some bigger aspects of this situation. <a href="https://www.theatlantic.com/entertainment/archive/2018/01/the-humiliation-of-aziz-ansari/550541/" target="_blank">The Atlantic</a> published an article considering some of the current challenges with sexual behavior in relationships, saying, "Sexual mores in the West have changed so rapidly over the past 100 years that by the time you reach 50, intimate accounts of commonplace sexual events of the young seem like science fiction: You understand the vocabulary and the sentence structure, but all of the events take place in outer space."<br />
<br />
In this article, I want to take some time to explore these sexual harms that
often get lost in discussions - those that are not assault or violence,
yet still cause pain and fear in others. <br />
<br />
What are we missing in our dialog with children and teens about sex? How are gender roles fitting into expectations about sex and relationships? A choice to hook-up and have casual sex is not inherently bad or wrong, even if many people (and USA culture) have moral beliefs against this behavior.What I encounter again and again in battering intervention groups is that in the sake of seeking consent, and in having sex as a part of courtship, development of intimacy beyond physical passion is lost.<br />
<br />
Many abusers definitely gain consent before engaging in sex, although I question how explicit this consent is. <a href="https://www.nytimes.com/2018/01/15/opinion/aziz-ansari-babe-sexual-harassment.html" target="_blank">One article</a> defends Mr. Ansari by saying he shouldn't be a mind reader, yet men often accept implicit consent with few or any verbal consents to sex. They have definite understanding of nonverbal cues, but push against those in the knowledge that verbal rejection is hard to give after sex begins. Women feel pressured to consent, and may even fear saying no could lead to violence.<br />
<br />
During group discussions, I will outline various kinds of intimacy and where they can fit into development of a relationship. Certainly, the first kind of intimacy guys in my groups go to is sexual. That physical passion I mentioned earlier. That is indeed a type of intimacy, and an important one for health in a relationship. Often what is missing from that analysis of passion, however, is a desire to be with that person, loving touch beyond sex, desire to pleasure your partner, and gaining knowledge of what the other person likes or does not like sexually or within physical touch overall.<br />
<br />
Other categories are more difficult to discuss. What about emotional intimacy? The idea of closeness - a shared bond where you know someone's opinions, thoughts, and even their values or morals - can be equally intimate and critical to development of a healthy relationship. The equivalent to a random hook-up with a stranger might be going on a first date and telling that person your most intimate details, such as your worst fears, abuse you experienced in childhood, deeply held political or social beliefs that are controversial - and while some people do this during first meeting someone, the experience of someone dumping so much information at the beginning is often off-putting. Closeness takes time to develop, and takes time to foster in a healthy way.<br />
<br />
Psychological intimacy can be considered along with commitment. An alignment of goals, values, and meaning in life. Again, it takes time to grow this aspect of intimacy, and a hook-up equivalent might be meeting someone and telling them that you should get married, pool your finances to buy a house you have chosen for the both of you, have children immediately, or any number of other intimate choices made when relationships become closer.<br />
<br />
Emotional and psychological intimacy seem ludicrous to develop so quickly on a first date, yet for some reason we do not have deeper and more critical thinking about quick physical intimacy development. It is a risk - often a dangerous and hurtful risk. Certainly, if someone does not use safe sex, then there is risk of STD or STI or pregnancy. Along with that risk, however, is the truth that you might end up with someone you are not compatible with, or might make choices that coincide with pressuring or controlling someone into having sexual behavior they are not 100% comfortable with. The person you have random sex with might equate that with something much more emotionally or psychologically intimate - and if you are not on the same page your behavior can easily cause harm.<br />
<br />
Some of the hangup I am seeing with people defending Mr. Ansari are that he did not sexually assault her, that his behavior was not sexual violence, that she gave consent for their sexual encounter therefore it shouldn't matter. This perspective denies the idea of sexual control, sexual alienation, and sexual irritation - ALL of which there is zero doubt that he is responsible for in his encounter with Grace.<br />
<br />
Sexual control is making someone do something they do not want to do sexually, or keeping someone from certain intimacy they want to engage in. There are many forms of sexual control that involve coercion or pressure. Constant asking for sex, trying certain sexual behavior repeatedly and ignoring boundaries set by the other person, not listening to protests (verbal or nonverbal), and yes, not picking up on nonverbal cues, requests, or complaints.<br />
<br />
Control is a human experience - we ALL do it, and sexual control can be a very destructive aspect of sexual behavior that we need to be addressing on a more active basis. We need to avoid lumping all sexual harms into violence - because in Mr. Ansari's case, he is being equated to other men who have engaged in sexual assault and violence. Without understanding the difference here, we risk his behavior and other's being dismissed because it clearly does not have the same impact or destruction therefore Grace gets blamed for daring to report this, rather than us realizing that regardless of the level of harm - it is still harm, and it is still destructive!<br />
<br />
Sexual alienation and irritation are also very human things. It is where a person does something physically or sexually intimate that their partner becomes irritated by, or something which pushes that person away. One of the biggest alienating factors are not talking about sex, not talking about desire, not developing sexual knowledge of a partner over time. Other irritating/alienating sexual harms can involve things such as flirting that the other person does not like, use of pornography that is not okay with a partner, and blindness to or ignoring of another person's sexual boundaries. Again, some of these are clearly a big part of the incident with Mr. Ansari and Grace.<br />
<br />
Defenders of Aziz Ansari lament that this could destroy his career. Attackers say sexual harm is sexual harm and he should be held accountable. When we make this into a binary argument, we miss the point that he needs to be held to account for his behavior that is problematic, and he needs to be aware of the level of power and influence his fame affords him and where that fits into his dating life. Grace describes the "hour or so" in his apartment involving him attempting different sexual behavior, her intermittently engaging and then disengaging and while her internal dialog was clearly confusion and anxiety over his behavior, his internal dialog could have been anything from entitlement of his celebrity status, confirmation bias on when she seemed willing to engage in sexual acts (while ignoring when she was not), and definitely overall entitlement to continue pursuing sex after she verbally and non-verbally expressed her discomfort. <br />
<br />
Instead of lumping Mr. Ansari with violent, abusive, and sexually assaultive male celebrities, we should build awareness for the layers of sexual harm, and learn better ways to guide men toward responsibility, accountability, and health in relationships. Instead of being sad that his career is damaged and building anger toward
Grace, we should be exploring where we focus on condemning celebrities yet ignore how common these
patterns are for everyday men toward women. We need to be taking this opportunity to nuance the different kinds of sexual harm beyond rape and other forms of sexual assault, so we can adequately address their impact, and the intent men have behind them. <br />
<br />
-----<br />
<i><span style="font-size: x-small;"><br /></span></i>
<i><span style="font-size: x-small;">*For additional reading on this topic, I suggest reading <a href="https://thewire.in/214341/expect-liberal-feminist-men-like-aziz-ansari/" target="_blank">Nehmat Kaur's "What Should We Expect from Liberal Feminist Men Like Aziz Ansari?"</a></span></i><span style="font-size: x-small;"><i> or Karishma Attari's "<a href="https://www.dailyo.in/arts/aziz-ansari-photographer-sexual-assault-sexual-misconduct-times-up/story/1/21744.html" target="_blank">Aziz Ansari has a long way to go before mastering his own sense of entitlement</a>." or Emma Gray's "<a href="https://www.huffingtonpost.com/entry/aziz-ansari-sex-violating-but-not-criminal_us_5a5e445de4b0106b7f65b346?ncid=engmodushpmg00000003" target="_blank">On Aziz Ansari And Sex That Feels Violating Even When It's Not Criminal</a>"</i></span>Christopher Hallhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14736385436432859371noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1010965936320411303.post-37926109081725174812018-01-01T14:59:00.002-05:002018-01-01T15:09:03.892-05:00Concession Stand Girl<span style="font-size: x-small;"><i><b>This post is a fictional story in response to <a href="https://www.newyorker.com/magazine/2017/12/11/cat-person" target="_blank">"Cat Person" by Kristen Roupenian</a>, appearing in the New Yorker on December 11, 2017. It is my attempt to portray the thinking pattern of the man she detailed in her work, and where those thoughts might illustrate entitlement and disconnect that are common in abusive, violent, and controlling men. If you have not done so, please <a href="https://www.newyorker.com/magazine/2017/12/11/cat-person" target="_blank">read her work first</a> before reading this response.</b></i></span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: x-small;"><i><b><u>Warning: This story contains sexual content, mature themes, and swearing. </u></b></i></span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: x-small;"><span style="font-size: small;">Robert had been in a slump over the past few months. Nothing that won't get better, he told himself constantly, it's just life. Ups and downs. I'll be better, something good will happen, it always does. </span></span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: x-small;"><span style="font-size: small;">He had lost his job two months ago, but he could admit that things had been bad before then. His boss was a dick, and the job wasn't great either so its loss was inconsequential. He was on unemployment currently, and his mother always sent him gifts and even money if she felt particularly sorry for him, so his income hadn't changed even if the amount of time he had for himself had increased. </span></span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: x-small;"><span style="font-size: small;">Idle thoughts of going back to school nagged at him, but he wasn't sure he wanted to study or do homework again. After all, he had done two years, slogging through each class to the point he was always just barely passing. He had never had a specific inspiration to focus on anything. He was good with his hands, and school just never spoke to him. Too much thinking, not enough doing, he told himself. </span></span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: x-small;"><span style="font-size: small;">If he was honest with himself, mostly he was just bored a lot of the time. When he was laid off, it started like a vacation - video games and movies, take out or delivery dinners, and only leaving the house when he had to. Ordering whatever he needed online kept that to a minimum, and he even assuaged his conscience of not working by setting up a job alert on a few employment websites and reading them once or twice per week.</span></span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: x-small;"><span style="font-size: small;">That vacation mindset lasted a month or so, but over time he began to feel restless. He had some friends from high school closer to home, but he had moved out of state years before as a point of rebellion and hadn't been good at maintaining friendships. He had a couple of guys he had enjoyed hanging out with at work but within a shipping and receiving company, where everyone worked different shifts, he hadn't done much with them outside of work. Now that he was no longer going to that job, those friendships had shriveled up.</span></span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: x-small;"><span style="font-size: small;">His cats had been his companions for years. Mu and Yan were perfectly happy with doing nothing, with hanging out, not going anywhere. They would cuddle in shifts, Mu on the bed, Yan on the couch - purring and curling into balls on his lap were sweet comfort, and their conversations were whatever he wanted them to be. A meow here, a feline grunt there, and he had learned to interpret their needs, their quirks, and deal with them as needed.</span></span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: x-small;"><span style="font-size: small;">But this restlessness was getting to him. The times he would venture out of the house for supplies he couldn't add to an online shopping cart, he saw people together laughing, talking, and seeming to have fun together and he felt a twinge of jealousy. It was more profound when he witnessed couples casually touching each other, showing public displays of affection and just being comfortable around each other.</span></span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: x-small;"><span style="font-size: small;">Robert had been as successful in relationships as he had in friendships, which is to say fleeting at best. Women were a mystery to him, and always seemed to want things he couldn't or didn't really want to give. He'd heard his male coworkers talk about their relationships with degrees of care or annoyance, sometimes telling stories of love and others of hate and he would always wonder why women would stay with the creeps. </span></span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: x-small;"><span style="font-size: small;">These coworkers were still okay in his book, casual friends he could laugh with and do work tasks with, but when they described anger over her doing this or that, he'd shake his head. He'd wonder why the guy put up with that shit, but he'd also wonder why she did as well. Just keep to yourself, he'd think, and be a gentleman. That's what really counted, after all.</span></span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: x-small;"><span style="font-size: small;">A need to go out of the house drove him to the arthouse movie theater. The one class in college that had vibed with him was a critique of cinema, and independent movies usually interested him more as a result. It was also one of the few things that could be more difficult to access online.</span></span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: x-small;"><span style="font-size: small;">He perused the concessions and idly purchased popcorn and a box of Red Vines. Red Vines were a treat from his childhood and he hadn't eaten them in years, so he figured why not have some? The response of the girl behind the counter caught him off-guard. "That's an . . . unusual choice," she said. "I don't think I've ever actually sold a box of Red Vines before."</span></span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: x-small;"><span style="font-size: small;">Looking down on her, he noticed she was young. Probably just out of high school, young. This was a college town, so she most likely was just another student bringing in some spending money. He stepped back slightly as a reflex, getting a better look. It confirmed his initial thought, but he also noticed she was cute. Not the kind of beauty that would grace the cover of a magazine, but more of a young co-ed fresh and naive cute. Her comment was confusing. Was she deliberately trying to insult him?</span></span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: x-small;"><span style="font-size: small;">Robert had experiences of girls making fun of him in high school, and more of women ignoring him since then. As with many interactions with others, Robert was dumbstruck. "Well," he said. "O.K., then." He took his change and went into his movie.</span></span><br />
<br />
----- <br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: x-small;"><span style="font-size: small;">The movie was distracting. He spent most of the time running through his head, considering better responses to that interaction. The popcorn trickled down in the box, and the Red Vines which might have been a nostalgic experience just stuck to his teeth as he chewed on them and thought of her face, and her body.</span></span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: x-small;"><span style="font-size: small;">He could have explained his childhood love for the candy, maybe say the salt and sweet were an excellent combo. He could have asked her why she cared, but no, that would have been too aggressive. Was she flirting with him? He told himself he was the sort of older guy young college chicks might fancy, and his beard spoke to experience most men her age couldn't come close to.</span></span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: x-small;"><span style="font-size: small;">The blur of the movie did not match the length of time he spent thinking of alternatives to the conversation. When it ended, he walked out and looked to the concession stand, hoping to see her again, see how she responded to him a second time. But the lights were off, and her shift must have ended.</span></span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: x-small;"><span style="font-size: small;">The next day, he realized he should just go back to the theater. He hadn't really absorbed the movie, anyway, and what if she was there again? Maybe they'd hit it off on a second play through. Some acne-covered guy was in her place this time, though. He took his popcorn, skipped the Red Vines, and sulked into the movie. </span></span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: x-small;"><span style="font-size: small;">He watched the movie and was able to keep track of what was happening better, but his disappointment seeped into the experience and he left feeling negatively toward the show itself. That evening, he surfed online pornography trying to find women who looked like the Concession Stand Girl but didn't find anyone close enough to her looks, and eventually he gave up, unsatisfied.</span></span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: x-small;"><span style="font-size: small;">Following days were spent wandering around coffee shops, restaurants, and bars around campus. He told himself that it was good to get out and wander the city, better than being cooped up at home, and that maybe he'd meet someone. He knew he was really looking to "accidentally" run into her, but he also knew his assumption that she was a college girl was just an assumption so he did so without many expectations, but with many high hopes.</span></span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: x-small;"><span style="font-size: small;">Theater times were similar enough the following week that he picked a movie with the same showtime as when he met her, even though he wasn't particularly interested in the movie itself. As he walked inside, he glanced over at the concession stand trying not to be too obvious. Play it cool, he said to himself, noticing she was working again.</span></span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: x-small;"><span style="font-size: small;">Walking up to the counter, he made sure she was the one who would be helping him, and when she noticed him he was bolstered by the small smile she gave him. He kept his composure and ordered the same as before - popcorn and Red Vines. She didn't say anything this time, but simply rang up his order. "You're getting better at your job," Robert told her. "You managed not to insult me this time."</span></span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: x-small;"><span style="font-size: small;">She shrugged, and he noticed her eyes lighting up a little as she did so. "I'm up for a promotion, so," she said and handed him his change. Not wanting to say anything stupid, he took his change smiled in return and went to the movie.</span></span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: x-small;"><span style="font-size: small;">When reviewing his responses this time, he felt confident he had walked the line between simple, nice, and suave. She obviously took his joke well, remembered him from last time, and maybe even had thought about him over the past week. As the movie started, he smiled to himself and relaxed. If she was still at work after the movie, he'd ask for her out. </span></span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: x-small;"><span style="font-size: small;">Frowning, he wondered if that was too forward. If she said no, then it'd probably be over and he didn't want that. Maybe he could just ask for her phone number? If he kept the connection going, he was sure he'd be able to show her what a good guy he was, and she'd want to spend more time with him. He convinced himself that he was better at the long game, and settled on that choice.</span></span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: x-small;"><span style="font-size: small;">Movie watching was much more enjoyable this time. Since he had made up his mind, he partially couldn't wait for the movie to finish so he could go out to find her. But he knew this movie was shorter than the last and there was more of a chance she'd still be at work. That was one of the nice things about independent movies, they were often shorter which made for an easier time critiquing them. Sometimes even bad movies were enjoyable because it wasn't a lot of time to spend, but plenty of material to criticize.</span></span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: x-small;"><span style="font-size: small;">The moment the credits started rolling, Robert got up, disposed of his trash and walked out of the theater. She was still there! He felt a roll in his stomach, his pulse rising. Now was the time. He approached her as she was refilling something on the back counter. When she turned around and saw him, she initially seemed confused then smiled slightly.</span></span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: x-small;"><span style="font-size: small;">"Concession Stand Girl, give me your phone number," he said, and surprisingly she looked at him for a moment, then took a napkin and wrote a number down. He hoped it was correct. He knew some girls gave out fake numbers to throw men off, but that seemed less likely since he knew how to find her again.</span></span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: x-small;"><span style="font-size: small;">Robert thought about what to text to her the entire drive home. Something quick and witty, and it had to reference Red Vines. If it was a fake number, he'd play it cool when he saw her next time and he also thought of lines he could give her then. He favored one where he joked about it being hard to write on napkins. </span></span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: x-small;"><span style="font-size: small;">"Good thing I bought enough Red Vines that you had to stay late tonight to stock them," he texted anxiously.</span></span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: x-small;"><span style="font-size: small;">"That's why I gave you my number, I needed to complain about the overtime I had to work thanks to you," she texted back, and he laughed out loud.</span></span><br />
<br />
-----<br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: x-small;"><span style="font-size: small;">For the next several weeks, they texted back and forth, building their joking and playing in ways that made Robert feel fun and interesting. She was a good sparring partner, for the most part, except when she didn't respond to him. He knew he needed to play it cool, but at the same time it was frustrating when he wanted to hold a conversation, or have a line of jokes and it took her a few hours to add to it. By the time she would text to add to the thread, he had bored of it and would usually just send a simple response. </span></span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: x-small;"><span style="font-size: small;">But she kept texting. She sent internet memes, pictures, silly things mostly. He ate it all up. His playing it cool was working well, even with a few times where he thought maybe she didn't like him anymore - or maybe had found someone else. Those times where she didn't text for a couple days were a test of patience. He wanted to respond to her, to call her out for not texting, but he also knew that might seem needy - and he wasn't needy. He was perfectly fine by himself, doing his own thing, even if those days were often boring. The texts with Margot were almost like a fuel that kept him going, gave him energy the moment he heard his phone chime with an incoming text.</span></span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: x-small;"><span style="font-size: small;">Suddenly, he realized it might have been long enough with their text dancing to meet her in person again. He waited for an opportunity, not wanting to be direct about it in fears of scaring her off. His phone beeped - a text! "Ugh. My roommate took all the snacks out of my care package, that bitch!"</span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: x-small;"><span style="font-size: small;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="font-size: x-small;"><span style="font-size: small;">"Why don't you go to the dining hall and grab something lacking nutrition of any kind?"</span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: x-small;"><span style="font-size: small;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="font-size: x-small;"><span style="font-size: small;">"They're all closed this time of night, so now I guess I will die starving here in my dorm room."</span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: x-small;"><span style="font-size: small;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="font-size: x-small;"><span style="font-size: small;">"If it's a matter of life and death, I'm happy to save you from such a pathetic end - I'll buy you some Red Vines and all will be well in the world!"</span></span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: x-small;"><span style="font-size: small;">"Sadly, I am already resigned to starvation as my destiny. Say something nice at my funeral?"</span></span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: x-small;"><span style="font-size: small;">"No, I'm serious, stop fooling around and come now," he texted immediately followed by, "7-Eleven, the one on campus, twenty minutes. Be there, your life depends on it!"</span></span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: x-small;"><span style="font-size: small;">He rushed out of the house, grabbing the hat and jacket closest to the door and going slightly over the speed limit to get to the store. He didn't want to keep her waiting, after all, and the dorms were about a block away from the store. </span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: x-small;"><span style="font-size: small;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="font-size: x-small;"><span style="font-size: small;">He didn't notice the wintry cold as he stood outside, his heart racing in anticipation of seeing her again. When she walked around the corner, he was surprised that she simply wore pajamas and a jacket as if it were a walk down to the refrigerator in the kitchen. He wasn't sure if it made her extra cute or just made her look younger. He realized he might be staring, and stopped to focus on holding the door for her, slightly inclining his head to emphasize the polite gesture.</span></span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: x-small;"><span style="font-size: small;">"I'm glad I got to you in time, let's go find the red sticks of life!" they went to the candy section and he was slightly sad they didn't have Red Vines, but she seemed pleased with Cool Ranch Doritos. Not wanting the joke to fade, he insisted she get a cherry Slurpee because it was the closest thing to Red Vines. She negotiated a Cherry Coke Slurpee, and as they went to the counter he furtively worked to find a small, cheap gift he could get her so she would remember this night. The cashier was so quick, he had just enough time to grab a novelty lighter shaped like a frog with a cigarette in its mouth. Just silly and unique enough she'd have to think of him whenever she saw it.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: x-small;"><span style="font-size: small;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="font-size: x-small;"><span style="font-size: small;">"Thank you for my presents," she said, as they went back out into the cold. </span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: x-small;"><span style="font-size: small;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="font-size: x-small;"><span style="font-size: small;">"You're welcome, Concession Stand Girl," he said, thinking it was the perfect term of endearment in the moment. She let me buy her gifts, we've been having a great time texting, now let's see how she takes a little bit of affection. He took her gently by the arm, and she didn't recoil or back away. Robert was about a foot taller than her, so it was a quick thing to kiss her on the forehead. When he stood back from the kiss, she looked at him with her eyes slightly narrowed as if puzzling over him. "Study hard, sweetheart," he said. "I will see you soon."</span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: x-small;"><span style="font-size: small;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="font-size: x-small;"><span style="font-size: small;">Robert turned, walked to his car, and drove home. Only looking back once he had pulled away from the store. He saw her walking back to the dorms and smiled to himself. That went well.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: x-small;"><span style="font-size: small;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="font-size: x-small;"><span style="font-size: small;">-----</span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: x-small;"><span style="font-size: small;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="font-size: x-small;"><span style="font-size: small;">Margot went on winter break soon afterward, and Robert and she texted nearly non-stop. They would joke back and forth, update on daily activities, and even started saying good morning and good night. Robert was concerned about her going home for break. Who would she hang out with? She's just recently out of high school, within a year or two, so what if she sees an old boyfriend? Robert's texts were playful, but constant, and in part he kept the dialog going because if they were texting then she obviously was thinking about him. </span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: x-small;"><span style="font-size: small;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="font-size: x-small;"><span style="font-size: small;">Robert decided to let a little more about his life into his texts. He had been keeping most of their dialog to joking and life in the present, but hadn't asked her a lot of questions nor had he given much up about himself. One evening, as he sat in his living room petting Yan as she contentedly purred on his lap. "It's good thing my cats are keeping me company while you're away," he texted, scratching Yan between the ears.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: x-small;"><span style="font-size: small;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="font-size: x-small;"><span style="font-size: small;">"You have cats?"</span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: x-small;"><span style="font-size: small;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="font-size: x-small;"><span style="font-size: small;">"I do. Two, Mu and Yan."</span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: x-small;"><span style="font-size: small;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="font-size: x-small;"><span style="font-size: small;">"I have a cat too - Pita," she texted back with a emoji of a grey kitty cat. </span></span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: x-small;"><span style="font-size: small;">"Yan texts Pita a warm greeting."</span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: x-small;"><span style="font-size: small;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="font-size: x-small;"><span style="font-size: small;">"Pita purrs back along with a flirtatious Meow."</span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: x-small;"><span style="font-size: small;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="font-size: x-small;"><span style="font-size: small;">"I won't tell Mu so he won't get jealous, you know those male cats!"</span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: x-small;"><span style="font-size: small;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="font-size: x-small;"><span style="font-size: small;">"Pita meows more quietly, then!"</span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: x-small;"><span style="font-size: small;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="font-size: x-small;"><span style="font-size: small;">Before Robert could think of how to respond, she texted again. "My parents are asking about u," she texted, and Robert immediately sent her an emoji with hearts for eyes.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: x-small;"><span style="font-size: small;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="font-size: x-small;"><span style="font-size: small;">-----</span></span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: x-small;"><span style="font-size: small;">After winter break, Robert was a bit nervous to see Margot again. What if she rekindled a love with an old boyfriend, like he had constantly imagined? It was clear they were good with texting, and were quite friendly, but he didn't just want a friendship and if it turned out that was all he was to her, he wasn't sure what he would do. </span></span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: x-small;"><span style="font-size: small;">"Back in town, want to hang out? I like the rush at the end of the term when I fall behind on all my studying!"</span></span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: x-small;"><span style="font-size: small;">"Sorry, busy week at work," he replied. "I promise I will c u soon."</span></span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: x-small;"><span style="font-size: small;">Truthfully, he'd gotten a small part-time job at a bank near his house. It wasn't many hours, but his unemployment had run out and he needed to do something other than live off his parent's financial assistance. The house was not very expensive. His aunt had owned it, and when she died it had gone to his mother. She was going to sell it, but Robert managed to convince her that he could live in it. Since his aunt had owned it free and clear, all he had to pay for was utilities. A sweet deal.</span></span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: x-small;"><span style="font-size: small;">His work hours weren't enough to keep him from making time for Margot, but he thought that a bit of holding back would make her want to be with him more, so he lied about his schedule waiting for two weeks before finding a suitable artsy movie to take her to. It was playing at her theater, which seemed nice. When he asked about seeing the movie, she responded with, "lol r u serious," and he instantly replied, "I'm sorry I misjudged your obvious taste for fluffy romantic comedies that bring in all the ladies." </span></span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: x-small;"><span style="font-size: small;">She was probably joking around, which was their pattern. The movie had Oscar buzz, and was supposed to be an amazing portrayal of refugees from Nazi Germany, and their battle for survival. Of course she wanted to see it, it would be great! Her text back was simply "lol okay let's go to your drama fest, but let's go to the Quality 16," and he felt happy that he had waited to ask her out on a date. He wasn't sure why she wanted to go to the other theater, was it because she didn't want her co-workers seeing her on a date with him?</span></span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: x-small;"><span style="font-size: small;">He gave her the details, and said he'd pick her up. She said she'd be ready, and Robert started thinking about how to set up the date. He'd have to wait for her to talk. If she was going to tell him the bad news, he was sure it would come up sooner than later. The talk about "I just want to be friends," usually didn't happen in the middle of a date, after all. If she had that talk, he'd be cordial, he was a gentleman, after all, but he'd just watch the movie and take her home. </span></span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: x-small;"><span style="font-size: small;">Arriving at her dorm, he got out and opened her car door for her. They exchanged the pleasantries of "hey" back and forth and he drove off. She didn't say anything, and neither did he as he waited for her to disappoint him. He glanced over at her when he noticed her looking out the window. She looked tense, and he sighed. If it was going to be a let down, he might as well make it easier on her. "Don't worry, I'm not going to murder you," and when she looked over she seemed to relax a bit.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: x-small;"><span style="font-size: small;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="font-size: x-small;"><span style="font-size: small;">"It's O.K. - you can murder me if you want," she said. Robert laughed at that, appreciating her response to his joke, and patted her knee. She continued, "So before you murder me, I thought I'd tell you about my classes this term. Maybe I could bore you into having pity for me?"</span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: x-small;"><span style="font-size: small;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="font-size: x-small;"><span style="font-size: small;">He laughed shortly and kept driving. She told him the details of her classes. She was right, it was boring, as he never had much interest in classes even when he was in school. He nodded along, and made listening sort of noises at appropriate times, but didn't get into the conversation at all. </span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: x-small;"><span style="font-size: small;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="font-size: x-small;"><span style="font-size: small;">Once they got to the theater, they went up to the concessions stand. The employee asked what they wanted, and Robert winked at Margot before saying, "I'll take a large popcorn and a large weirdly matched box of Red Vines please, like all the cool kids are doing nowadays!"</span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: x-small;"><span style="font-size: small;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="font-size: x-small;"><span style="font-size: small;">The cashier looked at Robert blankly, grabbed a Red Vines from under the counter, and went to get popcorn. Robert looked over at Margot but she was looking away at that moment. He shrugged. It was funny in his mind. Maybe she didn't hear him. It was pretty loud with the popcorn popping and a monitor blaring a preview for an upcoming blockbuster movie.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: x-small;"><span style="font-size: small;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="font-size: x-small;"><span style="font-size: small;">He kept waiting for her to tell him about her boyfriend, about wanting to be friends. If she tried to touch him during the movie, maybe that would mean she actually liked him as more than friends? During the movie he kept one eye on the screen and another on her, watching for her to reach for the popcorn at the same time, or for her to touch his leg or arm or something. He sat with his arm on the divider, thinking maybe she would lay her arm next to his. But nothing.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: x-small;"><span style="font-size: small;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="font-size: x-small;"><span style="font-size: small;">After the movie was over, they went back to the car and he tried to think of a way to lighten the mood. As she was getting in the car, he said "Glad to see you dressed up for me," and smiled. He liked her casual leggings and a sweatshirt, but he figured for a first date she might wear something more dressy. He had worn his business casual attire from work, thinking it would be just the right amount of classy for a date. He closed her door and walked over to his side and got in. </span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: x-small;"><span style="font-size: small;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="font-size: x-small;"><span style="font-size: small;">"So, do you want to go get a drink?" He was still waiting for the "just friends" response, and thought if it was coming, now would be it. "We could go get a drink, I guess?" she said tentatively.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: x-small;"><span style="font-size: small;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="font-size: x-small;"><span style="font-size: small;">"If you want," he said back.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: x-small;"><span style="font-size: small;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="font-size: x-small;"><span style="font-size: small;">She sat staring out of the window, saying nothing. Robert poked her in the leg. "What are you sulking about?"</span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: x-small;"><span style="font-size: small;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="font-size: x-small;"><span style="font-size: small;">She looked at him. "I'm not sulking, I'm just a little tired."</span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: x-small;"><span style="font-size: small;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="font-size: x-small;"><span style="font-size: small;">"I can take you home."</span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: x-small;"><span style="font-size: small;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="font-size: x-small;"><span style="font-size: small;">"No, I could use a drink, after that movie," she drolly observed, and he laughed and started up the car.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: x-small;"><span style="font-size: small;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="font-size: x-small;"><span style="font-size: small;">"Where do you want to go?"</span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: x-small;"><span style="font-size: small;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="font-size: x-small;"><span style="font-size: small;">"How about Chester's?"</span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: x-small;"><span style="font-size: small;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="font-size: x-small;"><span style="font-size: small;">"Chester's? That student ghetto? Let's go someplace classy. If we're going to wash that movie out of our memories, let's do it with style! Can you believe it has Oscar buzz?"</span></span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: x-small;"><span style="font-size: small;">Margot started to speak, but Robert spoke over her. "We're going to 1920 Tavern, it's a Speakeasy."</span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: x-small;"><span style="font-size: small;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="font-size: x-small;"><span style="font-size: small;">When they arrived, there was a line, which was not uncommon for the bar. Robert chatted idly with Margot, and she responded directly but quietly. He didn't notice anything out of the ordinary as he spoke about his experiences there. "I remember the first time I came here," he exclaimed, as he handed the bouncer his I.D. and walked in. </span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: x-small;"><span style="font-size: small;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="font-size: x-small;"><span style="font-size: small;">He was telling his story, walking on to the front door, when someone tapped him on the shoulder. He turned and noticed Margot standing out of the line on the sidewalk, crouching to sit on the curb. He went under the queue and joined her while she looked at her feet. "Sorry!" she said. "This is so embarrassing."</span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: x-small;"><span style="font-size: small;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="font-size: x-small;"><span style="font-size: small;">"How old <i>are</i> you?" he demanded.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: x-small;"><span style="font-size: small;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="font-size: x-small;"><span style="font-size: small;">"I'm twenty," she said.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: x-small;"><span style="font-size: small;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="font-size: x-small;"><span style="font-size: small;">"Oh," he said. "I thought you said you were older."</span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: x-small;"><span style="font-size: small;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="font-size: x-small;"><span style="font-size: small;">"I told you I was a sophomore!" she said, her voice slightly raised. </span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: x-small;"><span style="font-size: small;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="font-size: x-small;"><span style="font-size: small;">"But you did that - what do you call it? That gap year," he objected, trying to sort out if she had lied to him in some way.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: x-small;"><span style="font-size: small;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="font-size: x-small;"><span style="font-size: small;">"I don't know what to tell you," she said helplessly standing up, her fists balled up and started to cry. "I'm twenty."</span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: x-small;"><span style="font-size: small;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="font-size: x-small;"><span style="font-size: small;">He felt bad for her, now. He stood and simply enveloped her in an embrace. "Oh, sweetheart," he said. "Oh, honey, it's O.K., it's all right. Please don't feel bad." He gently kissed the top of her head, and she pulled back while wiping the tears away.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: x-small;"><span style="font-size: small;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="font-size: x-small;"><span style="font-size: small;">"I can't believe I'm crying because I didn't get into a bar," she said. "You must think I'm such an idiot." They both stood as a few flakes of snow fell, highlighted by the soft light of the street lamps. He measured her beauty. Her tears enhanced that measure somehow. He decided it was time to kiss her.</span></span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: x-small;"><span style="font-size: small;">He leaned in. Since she stood on the curb and he was in the street, their height difference was minimized somewhat. As his lips locked on hers, he felt a rush throughout his body, an emboldening and a comfort. When she moved her lips ever so slightly, he took the opportunity to take the kiss a bit further and put his tongue in her mouth, while doing so knocked his teeth against hers. He enjoyed her warmth and the intimacy. It had been some time since he had kissed a woman, and he realized how much he had missed it.</span></span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: x-small;"><span style="font-size: small;">Eventually, he took her by the arms and looked into her eyes. "Let's try Pluto's," and led her down the street, pulling her by the hand until they were walking side by side. This bar didn't have a bouncer, and didn't really I.D. anyone. He'd gone here himself when he was underage, so he was pretty sure they would be fine. </span></span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: x-small;"><span style="font-size: small;">As they settled into a booth, Robert stood and said, "Should I get you a vodka soda?" He was pretty sure that was the sort of drink girls had when he was that age.</span></span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: x-small;"><span style="font-size: small;">"I'll just have a beer."</span></span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: x-small;"><span style="font-size: small;">He settled back in with drinks, bringing two thick and dark porters. "I guess I should have listened to your highbrow taste and gone for that new Melissa McCarthy travesty."</span></span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: x-small;"><span style="font-size: small;">"I like Melissa McCarthy - she was hilarious in Bridesmaids!"</span></span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: x-small;"><span style="font-size: small;">He sipped on his beer. "You must have loved that movie when you were ten years old."</span></span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: x-small;"><span style="font-size: small;">"Ha. Ha. Well, it was better than the movies you saw at ten. Charlie Chaplin films lacked any colorful dialog."</span></span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: x-small;"><span style="font-size: small;">"Cute. With all those film classes you took last year, I'm surprised you would see a movie that wasn't in black and white, or at least sepia or someshit."</span></span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: x-small;"><span style="font-size: small;">She laughed and he continued. "At work, you guys must loathe the multiplex what with their lack of quality wines and making up for art by blasting things in surround sound!"</span></span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: x-small;"><span style="font-size: small;">"It's not that we mock the lack of quality wines, it's just that drinking Boone's Farm in one big swallow before going in to the film is going to make you have to pee an awful lot!"</span></span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: x-small;"><span style="font-size: small;">Robert laughed back at her, and she took a large swallow from the beer. </span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: x-small;"><span style="font-size: small;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="font-size: x-small;"><span style="font-size: small;">They began to talk about movies more in depth, and Robert discussed some of his favorites. They each got another beer as he enjoyed talking about his top five, and discussed a bit about his own film classes and what he had learned in critiquing films. She responded by discussing how her older co-workers intimidated her, particularly when they seemed to understand some of the movies she thought were boring or incomprehensible.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: x-small;"><span style="font-size: small;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="font-size: x-small;"><span style="font-size: small;">"Look," Robert said, peering deeply into her eyes. "Some guys are just assholes about movies. I took those classes, and you know what I really learned?"</span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: x-small;"><span style="font-size: small;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="font-size: x-small;"><span style="font-size: small;">"That Red Vines are superior to Twizzlers?"</span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: x-small;"><span style="font-size: small;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="font-size: x-small;"><span style="font-size: small;">"No, that you should just fucking enjoy movies you enjoy!"</span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: x-small;"><span style="font-size: small;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="font-size: x-small;"><span style="font-size: small;">She nodded. "Sometimes, I just feel like I'm not smart enough with these guys. Like I have to have a degree in movies to have an opinion on anything."</span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: x-small;"><span style="font-size: small;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="font-size: x-small;"><span style="font-size: small;">He rose his glass to hers and they knocked them together and drank, about an hour in and their third beer together. Robert appreciated that she was constantly smiling as they talked, and she began to slur her words a little. He thought it was cute. As they finished their beers, he was surprised to hear her say, boldly, "Should we get out of here, then?"</span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: x-small;"><span style="font-size: small;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="font-size: x-small;"><span style="font-size: small;">The surprise stuck with him. Was she suggesting something? It sure seemed like it. They had just been discussing the unintentional humor of sex scenes in movies where people always kept the covers over themselves, and made sure to have underwear on at all times.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: x-small;"><span style="font-size: small;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="font-size: x-small;"><span style="font-size: small;">She took his hand and pulled him up, and he suddenly felt hungry. Not a need for food, hungry, but rather a current just below his belly button that radiated out to the rest of his body. She held his hand and walked out, him trailing behind her noticing how nice her butt looked in her leggings.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: x-small;"><span style="font-size: small;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="font-size: x-small;"><span style="font-size: small;">As they got outside, she turned to him and angled her head up for a kiss, closing her eyes. He thought for a moment about the situation. She was twenty, he was quite a bit older, and maybe this wasn't a great idea. He leaned down and kissed her briefly on the lips. "You're drunk," he said plainly.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: x-small;"><span style="font-size: small;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="font-size: x-small;"><span style="font-size: small;">"No, I'm not," she said, petulantly. She grabbed him in a tight hug, holding on in a way that almost seemed desperate. Robert took a deep breath and let it out, shuddering slightly as he sighed.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: x-small;"><span style="font-size: small;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="font-size: x-small;"><span style="font-size: small;">"I'm taking you home, lightweight," he said, disentangling himself and putting his arm around her shoulders, shepherding her to the car. He had parked two blocks away to be closer to 1920 Tavern, and the walk back was comforting. His arm around her, feeling protective, she stumbled twice and he held on tighter each time to keep her from falling again. Each stumble was greeted with laughter from them both.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: x-small;"><span style="font-size: small;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="font-size: x-small;"><span style="font-size: small;">When they got into the car, Robert put the keys in the ignition but before he could start it up, Margot grabbed his hand, guided it quickly around her shoulder and started kissing him. He was excited by her aggression, and roughly put his tongue down her throat, thinking that might be what she wanted. The continued to make out, and she pulled back slightly and started to kiss him more gently.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: x-small;"><span style="font-size: small;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="font-size: x-small;"><span style="font-size: small;">After a number of gentle kisses, and his hand roaming forward to her breasts, she maneuvered herself over the center console and straddled him. He was already hard, and had been since she put herself out there for a kiss when they left the bar. The way she was moving around on him was almost too much. He moaned involuntarily a few times when they came up for air, and when he realized he was about ready to reach climax without having done anything, he pushed her off - a little more harshly than he meant to - and started the car.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: x-small;"><span style="font-size: small;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="font-size: x-small;"><span style="font-size: small;">"Making out in the front seat like a teen-ager," he said, in mock disgust. Then he added, "I'd have thought you'd be too old for that, now that you're <i>twenty</i>."</span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: x-small;"><span style="font-size: small;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="font-size: x-small;"><span style="font-size: small;">She stuck her tongue out at him, and it both made her seem younger and turned him on at the same time. "Where do you want to go, then?"</span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: x-small;"><span style="font-size: small;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="font-size: x-small;"><span style="font-size: small;">"Your place?" He thought going to her place would be better, give her more space but also he was really curious about her room, how she lived.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: x-small;"><span style="font-size: small;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="font-size: x-small;"><span style="font-size: small;">"Um, that won't really work. Because of my roommate?"</span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: x-small;"><span style="font-size: small;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="font-size: x-small;"><span style="font-size: small;">"Oh, right. You live in the dorms," he said, a bit disappointed as a bit of the twinge of worry was still there that she didn't want anyone to know she was with him.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: x-small;"><span style="font-size: small;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="font-size: x-small;"><span style="font-size: small;">"Where do you live?" she asked.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: x-small;"><span style="font-size: small;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="font-size: x-small;"><span style="font-size: small;">"I live in a house," he said, matter of factly.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: x-small;"><span style="font-size: small;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="font-size: x-small;"><span style="font-size: small;">"Can I . . . come over?"</span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: x-small;"><span style="font-size: small;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="font-size: x-small;"><span style="font-size: small;">"You can."</span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: x-small;"><span style="font-size: small;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="font-size: x-small;"><span style="font-size: small;">-----</span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: x-small;"><span style="font-size: small;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="font-size: x-small;"><span style="font-size: small;">As they arrived at his house, Robert got nervous. He hadn't had anyone over to his house in some time, and while he wasn't overly messy, he wasn't overly clean either. He tried to remember if he had put his laundry away.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: x-small;"><span style="font-size: small;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="font-size: x-small;"><span style="font-size: small;">Before he got out of the car, he turned to her and hoping to curtail some of the responsibility for the state of his house, he said, "Just so you know, I have cats."</span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: x-small;"><span style="font-size: small;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="font-size: x-small;"><span style="font-size: small;">"I know, she said. "We texted about them, remember?"</span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: x-small;"><span style="font-size: small;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="font-size: x-small;"><span style="font-size: small;">"Pita is going to be so jealous," he said with a half smile and got out of the car.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: x-small;"><span style="font-size: small;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="font-size: x-small;"><span style="font-size: small;">As he went up the walkway, he fumbled for his keys trying to find his house key. All of the keys he had for his new-ish bank job always confused him, so he swore under his breath as he searched. Margot put her hands on his back and started rubbing, which distracted him from his concentration and as he tensed up, she stopped.</span></span><br />
<br />
He eventually found the right key, and muttered, "Well. This is my house," and pushed open the door.<br />
<br />
Robert tried to think about how she might see his home, with its collection of board games collecting dust with the old vinyl collection, both leftover from his aunt's possessions. He hadn't changed the decorations much since moving in. His aunt had put up a few art prints in frames, and he enjoyed them well enough.<br />
<br />
"I like it," she said, and he thought that maybe she was being truthful about that. Then again, compared to a dorm room this must be a castle.<br />
<br />
As she gazed over the room, seeming to be cataloging every detail, he took her around the waist and drew her to himself, and kissed her deeply. He removed her purse from around her arm, then her coat and his, all while still kissing and touching her.<br />
<br />
He ushered her into the bedroom, bowing his head slightly and waving her in as if he were a concierge. The dresser by the door had his bottle of whiskey, and he took a swig to push back any leftover jitters. Thinking about the ambiance, he decided to turn on some music and handed her the bottle as he keeled down to his laptop. He had been listening to the campus radio station earlier, trying to get himself into the groove of college kid culture. It seemed like good background music.<br />
<br />
Margot sat on the bed, and after he was done with the computer he realized that maybe he was more intoxicated than he had thought. He was feeling slightly light-headed, and waved it off as excitement as he unbuttoned his shirt and unbuckled his pants. He felt foolish when he couldn't take the pants off because he had forgotten to take off his shoes.<br />
<br />
He stumbled slightly as he bent over to untie and remove them, and as he did so he noticed his belly and wondered if the college guys she saw were the crazy athletic sorts, the ones who hadn't yet lost their metabolism for beer; or if they were the more nerdy types like him with normal bodies. As he finished removing his shoes and pants, he noticed that Margot decided to take a swig of the whiskey as well and he grinned.<br />
<br />
Robert crawled on top of her, his penis hard and ill contained by the boxer shorts he still wore. As she fell back on the bed, he kissed her mouth, tasting her with his tongue, and started to help her remove her clothing. He grasped her breast and pulled off her sweatshirt, then reached down to her crotch and tried to gently caress, but realized too late that he grabbed a bit too hard.<br />
<br />
She wiggled out from under him and straddled him like she had in the car. She seemed to be breathing heavily, and he got more excited by thinking she was really into him. As she moved herself over the log of his dick, she closed her eyes and pulled her undershirt over her head. He instantly grasped her breast, moving the bra below it and began to rub her nipple between his thumb and forefinger.<br />
<br />
As he did this, Margot pushed herself toward him, and he maneuvered one hand to her side, and the other around her back to undo her bra. He fumbled with it, coming close but not quite able to undo the clasp. Jesus, he thought to himself, why don't they make padlocks out of these things? "Take that thing off," he grunted, barely able to talk.<br />
<br />
When the bra was off he marveled at her naked torso. Her skin was so smooth and perfectly unblemished. He'd only had sex with one other woman, and it had been back in college. They had dated for a few months, had sex a few times, but it was long enough ago it was more a vague memory of an old movie. He thought of it often, particularly when he masturbated, but he knew that the porn he watched insinuated into the memory. He took a few seconds to look at her, trying to capture the image and moment in his mind.<br />
<br />
He started kissing her again, running his hands up and down her back, through her hair. She held him with one hand entangled in his hair. As they rocked back and forth, kissing, she reached down and put her hands into his underwear, grasping his penis. He groaned in pleasure, and put his own hand into her leggings, under her panties, feeling her moisture.<br />
<br />
He slipped his finger tentatively inside her vagina, and as he did so she bit the corner of her lip and moaned. Emboldened by her sound of pleasure, he pushed further in. The angle was poor, and he scraped his fingernail against her causing her to flinch. In the instant, he felt worried that he'd hurt her and she wouldn't want to continue and he reflexively said, "Sorry!"<br />
<br />
He looked at her face, her lips slightly parted and eyes widened and suddenly felt self-conscious. "Wait. Have you ever done this before?"<br />
<br />
In a millisecond, a wave of doubt flooded his mind. Her comparing him to any other guy she had ever had sex with, and he lost some of his erection. When she stared at him, then started laughing, he lost more of it.<br />
<br />
"I'm sorry," he said, thinking that perhaps it was over. "I didn't know."<br />
<br />
She immediately stopped laughing and looked at him seriously. "No, it was . . . nice of you to check," she said. "I've had sex before, though. I'm sorry I laughed."<br />
<br />
"You don't need to apologize," he whispered, his penis becoming flaccid beneath the weight of her sitting on his lap.<br />
<br />
"I'm sorry," she said again. "I guess I'm just nervous, or something?"<br />
<br />
He shook his head slightly, recognizing that he was being ridiculous. Here she was, almost completely naked in front of him, willing to fuck him, and he was thinking that she didn't want him. Of course she did, or she wouldn't be here!<br />
<br />
"You don't have to be nervous," he said. "We'll take it slow."<br />
<br />
She made a sidelong smirk and he picked her up and threw her on the bed. He was glad he didn't have a bed frame or headboard, as it might have knocked against her head when he tossed her a bit too far. He pulled off her leggings and panties in one quick movement, and stepped out of his boxers, back to being fully aroused.<br />
<br />
He took a step to a bedside table and opened a drawer. He took out a condom and removed it from its wrapper, slipping it on. He was thankful it went on smoothly, as he often had a hard time putting them on. He had practiced with an entire box at one point to try and make sure he was prepared, and fortunately still had a couple left.<br />
<br />
He joined her on the bed, sidled up to her, and slipped his finger back into her pussy going fast and straight. She was still wet, and that turned him on even more as he rolled on to her and started to fuck her. He grew tired of missionary almost immediately, and rolled her back on top of him. As she moved against him he slapped her thigh, saying, "Yeah, yeah, you like that," just like he had seen in countless videos.<br />
<br />
He turned her over to get at her from behind, and as he thrust deep into her he reached down and grabbed her breasts and whispered in her ear, "I always wanted to fuck a girl with nice tits."<br />
<br />
When he flipped her over again, he went back to missionary and started to feel a bit tired. He didn't want to stop, though, so he growled, "You make my dick so hard," over, and over as he fucked her. Each time he uttered the phrase made him that much more excited until he finally felt the moment of release, shuddered and came. He laid all his weight on her, panting and kissed her ear.<br />
<br />
The moment could have lasted forever, or at least Robert wished it could, but after a short while he slipped his penis out of her and made his way to the bathroom, clutching the condom to keep sperm from getting everywhere. He cleaned himself up and walked back and leaned on the doorway, still a bit winded.<br />
<br />
"What do you want to do now?" he asked.<br />
<br />
She had pulled the covers over her naked body, and Robert flashed back to their conversation about sex in movies. She shrugged, and still caught up in that thought he said, "We could watch a movie," and he walked over to his laptop, went into his movies folder and clicked on a random flick. He got under the covers with her and set the laptop between them. He put his arm around her and started stoking her hair, and gave tiny kisses to her arm and shoulder.<br />
<br />
He realized he had started "Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon," and quickly realized he wasn't going to pay enough attention to read the subtitles. He felt content, and happy that the night had turned out so amazingly.<br />
<br />
"You know, I dunno how to really say this, but these past few weeks have been amazing for me," he started. "I've loved our conversations, all the joking, everything."<br />
<br />
She laid still, saying nothing, and he continued. "It was hard for me over your break from school," he laughed, almost a short bark. "I was worried you'd go back home and connect with some old high school boyfriend or something. I know, crazy, huh?"<br />
<br />
"I was so worried you might, like, make a bad decision and things would be different between us when you got back," he said. "But I should have trusted you."<br />
<br />
He idly watched the movie as the characters jumped between treetops. "Are you still awake?" he asked, and when she quickly said yes, he said, "Is everything O.K.?"<br />
<br />
"How old are you, exactly?" she asked him, looking straight at the laptop.<br />
<br />
"I'm thirty-four," he said worriedly. "Is that a problem?"<br />
<br />
In a moment all his fears returned and he held his breath.<br />
<br />
"No," she said. "It's fine."<br />
<br />
"Good," he said. "It was something I wanted to bring up with you, but I didn't know how you'd take it." He rolled over and kissed her forehead. She smelled like jasmine, and he went back to his side of the bed with the scent lingering in his nose.<br />
<br />
She turned and looked at the clock on the bedside table. "I should go home, probably," she said.<br />
<br />
"Really?" he said almost at a squeak. He had this entire image in his head of sleeping together, waking up in the morning. "But I thought you'd stay over. I make great scrambled eggs!"<br />
<br />
"Thanks," she said, as she got out of bed. He appreciated her butt in the glow of the laptop light as she walked to the foot of the bed and slid into her leggings. "But I can't. My roommate would be worried. So."<br />
<br />
She continued to collect her clothing, covering up her body piece by piece, Robert trying to remember each image.<br />
<br />
"Gotta get back to the dorm room," he said, sarcastically. His imagined morning glory was shattered, and he was instantly sad.<br />
<br />
"Yep," she said. "Since that's where I live."<br />
<br />
The drive was endless. The snow had turned to rain. They didn't talk. Eventually, Robert switched the radio to late-night NPR. Robert recalled how, when she hadn't gotten into the speakeasy she had cried out of frustration and he smiled with the memory. It was a sad smile, and the memory itself was bittersweet.<br />
<br />
As they arrived at her dorm, she unbuckled her seat belt, and he did the same. "I had a really nice time tonight," he said.<br />
<br />
"Me, too."<br />
<br />
"I'm so glad we finally got to go on a date," he said.<br />
<br />
"You're welcome," she said, and reached for the door handle. "Thanks for the movie and stuff."<br />
<br />
As she started to open the door, he panicked a little. "Wait," he said as he grabbed her arm. "Come here." and he pulled her to him, wrapped his arms around her, and kissed her passionately again.<br />
<br />
A few seconds later, she pulled away and said, "Good night," and got out of the car and walked to her dorm.<br />
<br />
Before he drove off, he sent a quick text to her with emojis. He chose some hearts, a smile with hearts for eyes, and a dolphin laughing to himself at his reference to sex, the dolphin jumping in and out of the water. She'll appreciate that, he laughed as he drove back home.<br />
<br />
-----<br />
<br />
That next day, he felt great! He finally had a girlfriend again, and he had so many thoughts about what they could do next. He knew she was busy at school all day, and he didn't want to bother her - particularly because he had kept her up until almost 4 A.M..<br />
<br />
Later in the evening, after he had a dinner of cold leftover pizza, he sent her a text to resume their witty banter, "I hope you enjoyed my Red Vine last night!" She didn't respond immediately and he frowned to himself.<br />
<br />
The days that followed were a mix of anxiety and excitement. Now that they were together, he shouldn't worry, right? They had sex, so she obviously wants to be with me. Maybe she overlooked the text. Maybe the sex joke was too soon? That was stupid of me. She should have figured it out, though. We've joked about Red Vines in so many ways, it's part of the fun coming up with new references! Why doesn't she text me back? Did she lose her phone? Maybe she really does have another boyfriend. Hopefully we can do this again next week! Is she ignoring me? Why would she do that? She was really quiet after we had sex. Did I do something wrong? She did compare me to another guy didn't she? She didn't have to be so cold about it, though. Maybe that's not it. Maybe she was just tired. She had a bunch of beer and some whiskey. She obviously can't handle her liquor. Oh wait - I put on a movie with subtitles! That was stupid. I should have put something funny on - she said as much after that Holocaust movie. Damn it.<br />
<br />
Three days after having sex, he couldn't take it anymore. "Hey, so it seems like you're really busy, huh?" he texted.<br />
<br />
"Haha sorry yeah," followed by, "I'll text you soon."<br />
<br />
His low level anxiety didn't improve with that text, but he felt better anyway finally having heard back from her.<br />
<br />
He puttered around the house, tidying up a few things. A chime from his phone and he dropped what he was working on and rushed to check the text, excited.<br />
<br />
"Hi im not interested in you stop textng me."<br />
<br />
He read the text several times, each time feeling like his stomach was falling out of his gut, each time feeling a bit more upset.<br />
<br />
He fell back onto the couch and stared at his phone screen until it turned off. Both of his cats appeared, and each took up either side of him on the couch, Mu tentatively meowing, Yan purring slightly.<br />
<br />
-----<br />
<br />
He felt like crying. He didn't cry. He felt like burying himself in the couch cushions and never coming out. The cats were now upset too, but he didn't pay them much attention. <br />
<br />
After some time, he didn't know how long, he got off the couch to go pee. When he got back, he picked up his phone again and re-read the text. This time he just felt nauseated.<br />
<br />
"O.K., Margot, I am sorry to hear that. I hope I did not do anything to upset you. You are a sweet girl and I really enjoyed the time we spent together. Please let me know if you change your mind."<br />
<br />
He watched the text go through to her, then threw the phone across the room with a shout. The cats ran for their respective hiding places.<br />
<br />
Then he cried.<br />
<br />
-----<br />
<br />
He missed work for two days. He just didn't feel like going. The first day he just didn't bother, the second day he called to say he was sick. The third day he called to say he quit.<br />
<br />
He spent the next week trying to get out of his funk. He cleaned his house, played video games, ate delivery pizza. He called his mom, which he rarely did. He didn't tell her what happened, but she said she was worried anyway and said they would come down to visit.<br />
<br />
His parents stayed for a week. His mother noticed he had lost weight and said something about it every day. His father talked to him about his potential, and what sorts of jobs he should look for. His mom bought him a new jacket and winter hat like he was twelve.<br />
<br />
He was a bit numb through it all. He put on an act for them, laughing when he thought it was appropriate, holding a conversation here and there, but he just wasn't into it, and hoped they would go back to their home soon.<br />
<br />
He couldn't stop thinking about Margot, no matter how hard he tried. How had he fucked it up? What did he do? If only they could have sat down to talk, he was sure he could have convinced her to stay. He remembered his break-up with his college girlfriend, Amy. It had just kind of ended, really. She spent less and less time with him, always busy with school or other events, and eventually she just told him she was moving on. He was hurt at the time, but not like this.<br />
<br />
At least she could have given him the courtesy of telling him to his face. Why hadn't she responded to the joke about the Red Vines? Was that what pissed her off? You know, I hope she gets treated like shit by one of those fucking idiotic jocks. I know she will. It's the sort of bullshit girls like her end up in relationships with. Here I am, treating her nice, showing her kindness and humor - a bit of intellect - and it was too much for her. Maybe I should have treated her like shit, right? Maybe I should have been cold, played hard to get a bit more. Maybe I should have negged her. I always thought that was stupid, but you know, maybe they have a point? You know, I <i>deserve</i> something from her. She should just fucking <i>tell</i> me what her problem is with me.<br />
<br />
-----<br />
<br />
The parents went home. The moment they left, he put on his new coat and went to the campus dive bar Margot had initially suggested they go to that night. He sat there all evening, nursing a beer. She didn't arrive, and he eventually went home.<br />
<br />
That became a regular pattern. He would spend the day doing this and that, browsing Facebook trying to find her, looking at other social media to see if she had any other accounts. When he had the idea to do that, he realized he didn't know her last name at all. He tried searching phone records, but didn't have any luck. He paid for a background check on the phone number and finally found her last name.<br />
<br />
Eventually, he found her Facebook. He looked through her photos, trying to see if she had a new boyfriend, but there weren't many public photos, and when he looked at her wall (she really should have better security on her page, he thought) she didn't post very frequently and mostly just cute memes with cats.<br />
<br />
He found her campus email address and drafted two or three emails to her, but saved them all to drafts and never sent them. It didn't seem satisfying. He wanted an in-person dialog over this.<br />
<br />
He continued to go to the bar, at first two times per week, but after two weeks he was there every night. Until he saw her.<br />
<br />
He was sitting at his normal table, watching the door as anyone walked in, each time hoping it would be her with a thrill of energy, then each time a let down when it wasn't. But when he saw her, at first he thought it wasn't her. He stared slack-jawed for a few seconds, then regained his composure and stared down at his beer, trying to make it seem like he was just there drinking.<br />
<br />
He heard the group she was with go up to the bar, and heard some shuffling and small high pitched laughter that you often hear from young college girls. He stole a glance and saw some guy standing close to her, shielding her from view. Fuck. She did end up with some jock asshole. He just sat there. He didn't really know what he expected. If she had come in alone, he would have gone up to her, of course. He had been waiting for that. This group of people with her, though? No way. He knew she had probably told them all whatever lies about him that she told, and if he tried to have a rational discussion with her it would go nowhere. Pointless. Fuck.<br />
<br />
He waited at his table, stony, until they left. After they were gone, he went up to the bar and ordered a whiskey, neat, and slammed it down. He ordered a second, and did the same. He ordered a third and left it sitting there.<br />
<br />
He pulled out his phone and read her last text over and over. He sipped on his drink until it was gone and ordered one more. "Hi Margot, I saw you out at the bar tonight. I know you said not to text you but I just wanted to say you looked really pretty. I hope you're doing well!"<br />
<br />
He stared at his text but hesitated sending it. If he sent it, she could respond, and maybe she'd want to go back to their same ritual. Then what? She could just ignore it, and then what? He stopped thinking and pressed send. He kept staring at the screen, hoping she'd text back.<br />
<br />
Two minutes later, when nothing had arrived, he typed again, "I know I shouldnt say this but I really miss you"<br />
<br />
Nothing. He waited five more minutes, then another five, just staring at the screen.<br />
<br />
He felt fuzzy around the edges. His jaw felt like he had been gritting his teeth for hours. Maybe he had. He started typing again, and had a hard time getting the words right, but also didn't really care.<br />
<br />
"Hey maybe I don't have the right to ask but I just with youd tell me what it is I did wrog"<br />
<br />
Reflexively, he corrected himself, "*wrong"<br />
<br />
He waited some more. He sipped at his drink. He ordered another.<br />
<br />
"I felt like we had a real connection did you not feel that way or . . ."<br />
<br />
More minutes passed. He felt nauseated.<br />
<br />
"Maybe i was too old for u or maybe you liked someone else"<br />
<br />
He felt a burning in his stomach, and not from the alcohol. It built up. He felt resentful, he felt jealous, he felt enraged.<br />
<br />
"Maybe I was too old for u or maybe you liked someone else"<br />
<br />
He teared up, and wasn't sure if he was sad, or just pissed. He typed through the blur.<br />
<br />
"Is that guy you were with tonight your boyfriend"<br />
<br />
He decided to wait a bit on that one. Surely, that'll get an answer! Surely she'll want to respond to that. If he's her boyfriend, she had to say so. If not, then she'll defend herself, right?<br />
<br />
No response. It had been two minutes.<br />
<br />
"???"<br />
<br />
Fuck. Still nothing. This was ridiculous. <i>"FUCKING ANSWER ME, BITCH!" </i>he mumbled under his breath, beyond noticing how drunk he was.<br />
<br />
Robert resumes texting. "Or is he just some guy you are fucking"<br />
<br />
He pressed send and instantly regretted it.<br />
<br />
"Sorry"<br />
<br />
Fuck. That was too much. Wait the fuck a second here. She blew me off. Fuck her. This is bullshit.<br />
<br />
"When u laguehd when I asked if you were a virgin was it because youd fucked so many guys"<br />
<br />
He pressed send and immediately started typing again.<br />
<br />
"Are you fucking that guy right now"<br />
<br />
"Are you"<br />
<br />
"Are you"<br />
<br />
"Are you"<br />
<br />
He texted his next response and as he pressed send he yelled it into the bar itself.<br />
<br />
"Answer me"<br />
<br />
Everyone left in the bar looked at him. He drank the last bit of his whiskey and stumbled out of his chair. He slapped down some money, probably much more than he owed but he didn't want to leave without tipping and didn't want to stay around to pay by card.<br />
<br />
He stormed out of the bar, slamming the door shut and made his way to his car. He got inside, and hoped she would have texted back by the time he was there.<br />
<br />
He pulled out his phone. Nothing. He typed another response, having a hard time getting the spelling right, and retyping several times till he got it right. Finally it was correct. He pressed send.<br />
<br />
"Whore."<br />
<br />
And immediately vomited over himself.<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: xx-small;"><i><b>*Thanks to Linda Lattanzio for bringing "Cat Person" to my attention, and in encouraging me to write this response.</b></i></span><span style="font-size: x-small;"><span style="font-size: small;"><br /></span></span>Christopher Hallhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14736385436432859371noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1010965936320411303.post-27320036066258877302017-12-20T17:27:00.002-05:002018-03-30T16:29:02.943-04:00Holidays and the Red-Herring of HappinessHappy Holidays! Merry Christmas! Happy New Year! Happy Hanukkah! Happy Kwanzaa! Happy Saturnalia! So many holidays, so many traditions, so many orders to be happy and have a great few weeks at the end of the year. We give greetings, we expect them in return. We feel slighted if others don't follow suit, give us a greeting we don't like, or rebuff our tidings of great joy.<br />
<br />
It is a very powerful testament to how needy we are for happiness. We seek happiness at all costs, think something is wrong if we feel unhappy, try various things to feel it, think it, do it. Culture and society pressure us to be happy in our media, from our friends and family, even within faith communities. We have entire cliches we stick to here: do what makes you happy! If you're not happy, then do something different! Pick a job you will be happy with! I just want my kids to grow up happy!<br />
<br />
If someone is unhappy, it's easy to avoid talking to that person. As if unhappiness is a disease and we're afraid to catch it. We don't want to talk about or address topics, particularly complicated ones, if they make us feel unhappy. Sexual assault, domestic violence, poverty, racism, homophobia and heterosexism - the list goes on with topics that are given platitudes, and sometimes even claims that the problems are over, or have changed, or are pointless to do anything about because they won't change.<br />
<br />
Here's the thing. Humans don't really want to be happy, even if we focus on it all the time. There are plenty of articles (<a href="https://medium.com/@dailyzen/the-cult-of-happiness-2d25cef37a7d" target="_blank">here</a>, <a href="https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-pathways-experience/201605/the-happiness-cult" target="_blank">here</a>, <a href="https://www.economist.com/news/business-and-finance/21707502-companies-try-turn-happiness-management-tool-are-overstepping-mark" target="_blank">here</a>, <a href="https://theconversation.com/is-a-cult-of-happiness-leading-us-to-lose-sight-of-life-42820" target="_blank">here</a>, and beyond) that address this concept of the "cult of happiness" we are pushed to become a part of. In battering intervention classes, the concept of happiness is sometimes used as an intervention, "are you making her happy?" "Is your abusive behavior making you happy?" "Are the kids happy when you do that?"<br />
<br />
What human beings want, what we strive for - is comfort.<br />
<br />
We want comfort so much, we can easily hurt others in our quest to achieve it. Maintaining the status quo is all about feeling comfortable. Abuse, control, and violence is all about desiring comfort, and trying to force it on others. Entitlement is based in comfort that you are better than others, others are less than you, or that you deserve something.<br />
<br />
As human beings, we often fall into the trap of putting our sense of comfort onto others. Often our sense of safety is a part of that comfort. Victims of domestic violence hear all the time "why don't you just leave?" This is an excellent example of how the person suggesting leaving, who probably feels comfortable and safe in their own relationship, extrapolates that if *<i>I</i>* were in that situation, I'd just leave. This is an imposition of comfort, and it is at the very least flawed but more often is just directly hurtful and controlling to think and say to someone who is definitely NOT safe OR comfortable in their relationship.<br />
<br />
<b>Externalized comfort</b> is about control. I want to make people do things to make me feel comfortable. I want to keep people from doing things that make me uncomfortable. Again, as human beings we all do this. Think about the holidays and how many people get upset if others do not mirror their chosen greeting, or think things like "there is a WAR on Christmas," because not everyone likes hearing "Merry Christmas!" Think about how when we hear someone has lost a loved one, our "you have my condolences" is not about giving comfort to that person, but rather to ourselves. If we wanted to give comfort to others we would check in to see how they feel, what they need, right? Think of this exchange:<br />
<br />
"My father died last week."<br />
<br />
"Oh, I am so sorry for your loss!"<br />
<br />
"I'm not, I wish he had died years ago!"<br />
<br />
This response is often followed by awkward silence, shock, confusion. If the intent was to provide comfort, then the person saying sorry for your loss is probably not helping. The person saying that is thinking about how upset they would be if their father died, or maybe is even reaching to empathy thinking about how they felt when their father or loved one died and want to offer condolences because that's what they wanted and needed. It is self-serving to do that. Think of the alternative:<br />
<br />
"My father died last week."<br />
<br />
"How are you doing with that?"<br />
<br />
"Fine. I wish he would have died years ago."<br />
<br />
In this example, the checking in provides the person who experienced the death of a family member to dictate what they need, and how they feel. It's not about their own comfort, but the comfort of the person who may not experience death as a loss at all. Knowing that is true, then comfort can be provided in different ways, tailored to the person who might need it.<br />
<br />
People who choose abusive behavior are often externalizing their comfort. This fits into thinking that others are responsible for personal comfort. Abusers, when asked about their hurtful, controlling, and violent behavior will often speak to all the things others have done to them, will disclose abuse they experienced at the hands of their partner, physical and emotional violence, a detailed telling of how others have treated them poorly. Abusers will often have a difficult time describing their own behavior separately from others. Again, this is about comfort - it's the idea that "I can see all the problems, and if only people would listen or do what I say, everything would be better!"<br />
<br />
When others fail to follow through with orders (control), then it justifies forcing others to do things, or directly prevent them from doing things.<br />
<br />
Victims and survivors, meanwhile, often internalize comfort. Again, this is a human trait and we all do it in certain circumstances. In situations with little personal control or ability, it makes us feel more comfortable to find anything, even a small thing, where we have choice and expand upon it. Think, for example, a worker with a boss who is very controlling and critical about how work is completed. That worker might experience the criticism and then internalize the need to adapt to keep that boss from criticizing. Along with that, the worker might find small things within the job to control that often have to do with personal style.<br />
<br />
If someone is being dominated, and there is a pattern of that person being coercively controlled, there is less agency within that relationship. That victim/survivor might think of how to keep that harm, that control, from happening by trying to read that abuser's mind. The victim/survivor might blame themselves for getting hurt, because after all if only a few different choices had been made, the abuse wouldn't have happened (in their mind). This is internalized comfort - this victim/survivor feels more comfortable talking about personal choice, and how the abuse might have been prevented, than in talking about the experienced abuse, which the victim/survivor has no control over.<br />
<br />
In considering holidays, let's think about tradition. Tradition makes up one of several layers of trust. We all develop traditions through our experiences as children, and some of them we love and look forward to, others we dislike but tolerate due to family patterns or knowledge that someone we love enjoys that tradition. Sometimes we even look forward to the traditions we dislike because despite not liking them, they provide comfort. We trust that traditions happen at certain times, and it can be anything from birthday celebrations, how we celebrate certain holidays, to individual behavior of family members. The challenge is that each individual human being experiences tradition differently, even within family groups.<br />
<br />
In battering intervention groups, it can be important to discuss how often abusers discuss tradition with their partners. How often do such traditions involve elements of compromise, negotiation, and blending of practices? How often do abusers make assumptions about what traditions will be observed? How often does the lack of a tradition, or someone trying to practice their own tradition lead to justification for abuse, control, and violence?<br />
<br />
If an abuser does not feel a sense of comfort, it is a simple thing to attack those who are not providing it. Holidays, being filled with tradition, can be great sources of negative self-talk, entitlement, and disconnect. Abuser will place their sense of safety on their victims - if they feel safe, and in their own minds think they are "right" and therefore justified in pushing or ignoring boundaries, shouldn't their partner instinctively know what their intentions are?<br />
<br />
Happiness is indeed a red herring within domestic violence work (and with humanity as a whole). If we can understand how we seek and pursue comfort, we have more viable options to discuss how someone can develop thinking and behavior designed to cause pain and fear, yet justify and minimize impact on others.<br />
<br />
If you are interested in having these conversations in your battering intervention classes, I suggest asking your group what holidays they celebrate. Ask what traditions they have, and traditions their partner has which are different. Ask about how different traditions are negotiated, particularly around visiting both sides of the family. Ask what happens when a tradition you enjoy doesn't happen, and when a tradition you dislike doesn't happen. Discuss the difference between happiness and seeking comfort, and how hurtful behavior might hinge on the desire for external comfort. Speak to how to navigate expectations during the holidays, and keep neutral self talk while noticing your own boundaries and the boundaries of partners and family. Ask how this discussion fits throughout the year, and how each participant in the class externalizes their comfort onto their partner, and what they do when their partner does something that leads them to feel uncomfortable. There are a lot of options, but during BIP classes, simply having the conversation and humanizing the stress, expectations, and authentic responses of the holidays is an important one to have.<br />
<br />Christopher Hallhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14736385436432859371noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1010965936320411303.post-31001478485726402712017-11-13T11:00:00.000-05:002017-11-13T11:00:07.897-05:00Summary of Battering Intervention Services Coalition of Michigan Conference 2017 "Miles to Go"Each year, the Battering Intervention Services Coalition of Michigan (BISC-MI) offers presentations, workshops, and discussions from people around the nation (and from other parts of the world) to consider methods of intervening with domestic violence offenses. Since its inception, BISC-MI has been an excellent source of critical thinking about this work, and this year they changed their name to better match an approach that works to address behavior as opposed to labeling people and "othering" individuals (prior name was "batterer intervention" opposed to the new "batterering intervention"). This humanizing approach was a key theme behind this year's "Miles to Go" conference which focused on various ways of addressing trauma issues in those who choose to harm their partners and families. It was abundantly clear that these approaches were not to excuse behavior, but rather to name that self-care and personal healing are as much of the process of accountability as ending violence and abuse toward others.<br />
<br />
Some of the conference also involved experiential aspects and an opportunity for self-reflection and healing for those of us doing this work. These aspects are ones which are impossible to capture in a summary article, but I will make attempts to address some of the information involved during these sessions. For most of the conference, I posted links, observations, and brief summaries on my <a href="https://twitter.com/DVIntervention" target="_blank">Twitter feed</a>, and on the <a href="https://www.facebook.com/groups/DVEducationIntervention" target="_blank">Domestic Violence Intervention and Education group on Facebook</a>. I will link to these posts throughout this article.<br />
<br />
To start the conference, <a href="https://www.facebook.com/groups/DVEducationIntervention/permalink/10156736295782067/" target="_blank">Juan Carlos Arean</a> opened up the framework for the conference and the discussion of trauma. In general, the history of work with men who choose battering behavior has not been one that has humanized men enough to address issues beyond their violence and abuse. While efforts have been made over time, in different ways by different models, in a large way trauma informed approaches are a major adaptation to this field. Arean brought forward techniques that have had great success in other human service fields: trust and support, use of peers, collaboration and mutuality, horizontality, empowerment by giving people a voice and increasing their agency, and overall humanization. One tool being used by some is the <a href="https://www.cdc.gov/violenceprevention/acestudy/index.html" target="_blank">Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACE)</a> which gathers information on how an adult may have traumatic experiences in their history. It helps to identify that issues are there, but the challenge is how to address them?<br />
<br />
Arean suggested that it is similar to medical illness - if you are sick, and are given medical advice to follow but ignore that advice, you will continue to be sick. Battering Intervention has the opportunity to both give feedback and opportunity for change, where that health is not just about ending violence, but truly addressing long-term issues that provide justification and a foundation for abusive and violent behavior. Arean discussed work being done by <a href="http://fullframeinitiative.org/" target="_blank">Full Frame Initiative</a> which works on 1) social connectedness, 2) stability, 3) safety, 4) mastery, 5) meaningful access to relevant resources. Balance of these factors is key, and there is relevance to both victims/survivors and perpetrators.<br />
<br />
Restorative justice options have been a challenge in part due to the colonialist attitudes behind them - where indigenous tribes have been practicing community healing for centuries, but are told how they should follow "best practices." Arean pointed out the need to understand and address cultural issues by addressing individual cultures. People of color experience pain at being excluded and not being welcomed into the work they have been doing - so we need to think critically about whom we have been leaving out, and why. How do we give lip service to cultural work in general and specific places? Why is it that mostly white men lead the work in battering intervention, and how has work for community health, showing love and appreciation, and healing work within this field been excluded or looked down upon when practiced by people of color?<br />
<br />
<a href="https://www.facebook.com/groups/DVEducationIntervention/permalink/10156736496337067/" target="_blank">Jerry Tello</a> followed by discussing methods of working beyond trauma work to healing centered work. He used personal stories to illustrate the process of change, and the struggles of being human - where those fit into stopping domestic violence. He talked about it being easy to see anger and frustration as negative, rather than recognizing that these can be a result of being invisible and ignored. Certain communities are in a perpetual state of facing traumatic situations - making people in these communities inherently trauma informed. The impetus of mainstream society is to break down and conquer people who do not fit into the so-called mainstream. This includes non-white people, poor people, LGBTQ+, those people who lack privilege and power in certain ways. We, as a society, label people to create fear and see frameworks of culture as a deficiency. We have rules for how people need to adopt certain ways of interacting within communities, furthering oppressive thoughts, attitudes, and behavior. If a society, like ours, is founded on the premise of conquering others then the focus is always on treatment and stopping behavior - NOT on healing. Even when we realize treating the violence is not enough.<br />
<br />
Indigenous cultures tend to recognize the sacredness of relationships, yet manifestations of violence and disconnect reverberate out from a society that encourages and sometimes forces that disconnect. Individuals often question, "am I wanted?" and if someone does not feel a sense of importance, a sense of value from others early in life - they will search for it (or force it) throughout their lives. When you see someone as a relative to you, someone connected to you, you treat them differently. When someone is a number, or even a "client," you can easily see and treat them as less than you. Tello discussed how he treats participants in his program as his family. He said that when you categorize men as perpetrators and not recognize their wounds, how can you possibly support yet check their behavior at the same time?<br />
<br />
Tello described how what happens to our ancestors and is never healed is passed on to us individually. Generational trauma is often missed in a society that wants to treat behavior because it only values what can be seen. How do you measure spirit in an individual? Healing of ourselves is critical in this work - Tello emphasized that the most humbling thing men can do is to heal themselves. He said, "we had incorporated colonialist ways into our lives. We needed to reclaim our sacredness to heal." Healing centered work focuses on us - how to live with our teachings, not just give them to others. He described taking a "do you see me" concept of work with men, that if you do not make a connection, you do not have a conduit to help, guide, or connect. Men in groups need to feel seen and heard, need a chance to attach to healing by understanding the most significant factor can often be how do you love yourself, and how do you show love despite someone else's woundedness. It becomes simple to "otherize" people who choose battering behavior, and disconnect from individuals as a result. Tello pointed out "WE ARE THEM." We need to move out of rhetoric of labels and boxes and bring back humanity. We can still be about accountability when we are healing generations of wounds.<br />
<br />
Next we heard from <a href="https://www.facebook.com/groups/DVEducationIntervention/permalink/10156736637932067/" target="_blank">Floyd Rowell</a>, who told his personal stories of violence he experienced within his community. When he found a refuge to the violence, and was violated within that refuge, he said he shifted his thinking to a mentality of "before you get to me, I'm going to get to you." The limitation led to what he described as creating a shield that, "wrapped [his] horrors in barbed wire," and a philosophy of "before you get to my heart, you're going to go through some pain first." His experiences ultimately led him to prison, and experiences where he was seen as an offender and not as a human being were foundational in enforcing these beliefs.<br />
<br />
Terri Strodoff, director of <a href="http://almacenter.org/" target="_blank">Alma Center</a> (where Rowell learned how to change his life after prison), discussed how approaching men who use battering behavior with discussion of attitudes, behavior, socialization as men, the power and control wheel, or other cognitive behavioral approaches may not be considering how men like Rowell may not be able to relate to such information because we know nothing about their humanity, or how the context of their lives matters in discussing their hurtful behavior. She said that it is important to change the question from what is wrong with you to what happened to you. Such a shift changes how we show up for people, and it can be important to consider how we hold space for people to tell stories. Summarizing the importance of looking at trauma in men's lives, she explained, "any pain not transformed is transferred. The only way out of trauma is healing, and we need to ask how we support healing and change in men who batter." As a general philosophy, I tend to agree with her ideas, but I would have liked to hear more concrete information about their approaches in groups and why/how they think they work.<br />
<br />
The rest of the first day involved <a href="https://www.facebook.com/groups/DVEducationIntervention/permalink/10156736673247067/" target="_blank">honoring Barbara Hart</a> for her work by awarding her the "Ed Gondolf Compass Award," and some experiential meetings. I attended a session facilitated by Alma Center staff that involved participants sharing their stories, talking about things in their lives. The personal stories varied and some shared deeper information while others kept to work related situations. The experience was personally interesting, but it seemed many participants were unclear of boundaries or unsure of how to participate. Since the information was merely shared and not discussed it also created an open, non-judgmental environment without processing or further discussion of topics that were sometimes rather profound. Another workshop I was unable to attend considered how to "Honor One's Sacred Circle," and was facilitated by Tello and Arean.<br />
<br />
That first evening, we had an informal and unofficial meeting of AQUILA members, and the 15 or so who attended discussed methods of addressing sexual harms in BIP, which often seems to be a major gap in services where the reality of sexual harms in victims/survivors lives create major damages. As <a href="https://www.nytimes.com/interactive/2017/11/10/us/men-accused-sexual-misconduct-weinstein.html" target="_blank">societal shifts</a> appear to be occurring on this front, it behooves us to be more direct and authentic in our approaches here. <br />
<br />
On the second day, <a href="https://www.facebook.com/groups/DVEducationIntervention/permalink/10156739640942067/" target="_blank">Merkeb Yohannes of Michigan Coalition to End Domestic Violence</a> took time to share her humanity by talking about all the components behind her victimization and survival as an undocumented immigrant. She started by discussing how people feeling sorry for her made it impossible to see her for anything beyond being a survivor, and while her stories made her vulnerable, they at the same time made others impressionable. Her identity as an immigrant and undocumented survivor flattened her experience, rather than considering that her stories are that which form her and her humanity. When she told her personal experiences, she discussed the dynamics of living in parallel worlds, the impact of changing her name to adapt to a new culture, and the ways her experiences of abuse twisted her vulnerabilities against her. While I am cautious about telling specific details in this space, she made the point that single stories create stereotypes that create an incomplete picture and can easily rob people of dignity. I believe reflecting on these truths can be critical to work with both victims/survivors and perpetrators.<br />
<br />
<a href="https://www.facebook.com/groups/DVEducationIntervention/permalink/10156739696372067/" target="_blank">Lisa Young Larance</a> did an overview of research and practice in women's use of force, partially addressing the problems with the commonly used <a href="https://www.xyonline.net/sites/default/files/Kimmel,%20Gender%20symmetry%20in%20dom.pdf" target="_blank">Conflict Tactics Scale</a> (CTS) which provides no context for behavior, misses sexual harms, misses discussion of an incident, and the impact on someone. While the CTS had a revision, the revised edition had initial validation, but the researchers changed questions and that initial validation was lost as a result. Yet, this scale is used in research and used by media to justify ideas that women are as violent as men and miss the context of victims/survivors reporting more responsibility for harms, and perpetrators reporting more victimization and little talk of their own hurtful behavior. <i>[Note: I left this presentation early, but I heard from others there was backlash against Larance's presentation where some audience members derailed to discussions about men as victims. Since her focus was on looking at research and practice on women's violence and the contextual difference, such derailments are not productive as they shift focus to men, which is a different conversation that has importance, but it does not need to and should not override a discussion of women's hurtful behavior.]</i><br />
<br />
<a href="https://www.facebook.com/groups/DVEducationIntervention/permalink/10156740046107067/" target="_blank">Aldo Seoane</a> talked about cultural healing and showed a recent documentary highlighting <a href="https://www.wicaagli.org/" target="_blank">Wica Agli's</a> program with men who have been abusive. He began by inviting an invocation of prayer into the room from an elder, and introduced the concept of container wrapping - creating a space of safety to hold the energy of processing. The need to confront colonialism within work on domestic violence issues (including patriarchy and how our systems invest in these kinds of power) involve the ability and willingness to reflect on how this fits within ourselves. We need to ask permission from others in guiding them toward reflection. He discussed how there is a need to start in a place of gratitude and understanding. The chevron symbols of Wica Agli begin with representation of a black chevron, indicating the first direction, but the other colors are out of order - reminding us that while we know what is right, we have lost our direction. We are tied to our history, and we can always reclaim it, or "dig it up" as a mentor of his will exclaim.<br />
<br />
Seoane talked of his painful and traumatic experiences and how they informed him in his life and his culture, and how overall culture in the United States is one that houses systems that are about hate and fear - systems which are afraid of love and feeling. To decolonize and do antioppression work, we need to create safe spots in our spirit to grow love for others. He reflected on his advocacy during Standing Rock, and where men do not ask for consent when harming women, and corporations do not ask for consent when building infrastructure. This relates directly to transgenerational trauma - where we revictimize people all the time through our practices and through our silence. In many ways, the federal government can be the biggest batterer - use of intimidation and isolation, judging others for the sake of judgment. In addressing trauma, we need to have discernment and understand how can we show ourselves the same level of compassion we want to show others.<br />
<br />
In describing his work in groups, Seoane talked about how we learn from each other, and how we can separate from our work at times to simply connect as human beings. He gave the example of occasionally asking "are you okay?" to class participants. He said their classes are three hours long, and involve storytelling - working to change the culture within the community to where it should be, and how we guide thoughts and minds to balance, health, and respect. In western society, we tend to work to compartmentalize everyone, and Seoane was clear that we can use our stories as a path to healing. In a smaller break out session, he spoke to using stories to ground discussions, to create space for healing. Exercises can be felt, and can be experienced without always needing to be cognitive, and he provided several examples of how that might work within group settings.<br />
<br />
I joined Jeffrie Cape, Pam Wiseman, and Chris Huffine to present information from the "Truth Squad," a committee of people working to increase discussion and understanding of battering intervention as a part of AQUILA. Cape opened the presentation to talk briefly about <a href="https://www.biscmi.org/aquila/" target="_blank">AQUILA and its name and foundation</a>. In my short presentation, I stressed the advantage of people using the new <a href="http://s15.zetaboards.com/AQUILA" target="_blank">AQUILA discussion forum</a>. Our work is improved by the ability to both have discussions over this philosophical material, but also by having ongoing and easily accessible information. The listserv has advantages of broadcasting to many people at once, but has a major disadvantage of making discussion difficult, unfocused, and challenging to find information at a later date. <b>In short - if you are reading this, please join us on <a href="http://s15.zetaboards.com/AQUILA" target="_blank">this forum</a>.</b><br />
<br />
Pam Wiseman discussed the political ramifications of PEW research, the <a href="http://www.truth-out.org/news/item/9033-subverting-the-statehouse-uncovering-the-other-alecs" target="_blank">Council of State Governments, and others working to privatize systems</a> (like probation and jails) who are working to control battering intervention work (particularly with pushing the ACT-V model). Chris Huffine talked about the challenges of a system which glorifies the virtues of "evidence based programming" without fully understanding how they work, the research used to grant that status, or a base understanding of the systems they intend to replace. Often these groups talk poorly of the Duluth Model, and have no understanding of the difference between the "model" and the "curriculum" which are two entirely different things. The Duluth Curriculum is the use of the power and control wheels, control logs, and vignettes to do group sessions for men with battering behavior. If using the most recent 2011 update, you will be working to focus 75% of your time in classes on respectful and healthy behavior. Most places which claim use of the "Duluth Model" are actually only using the curriculum, and even then may not have read the first 100 pages of the manual which explicitly states the classes should never be a script, and instead a start of a conversation - and also mention the need to use the entire model, not just the curriculum. The Duluth MODEL is the community coordinated response involving very specific and direct work within community to change perspectives, attitudes, and practices on domestic violence on all agencies who have a role. This is often very challenging, requires extra funding for staff, and makes the BIP sessions a very small part of overall work to change the community. Unfortunately, research has rarely spoken to the <a href="https://www.theduluthmodel.org/" target="_blank">Domestic Abuse Intervention Program (Duluth)</a> directly, and often analyze community based programs who have very low fidelity to their model and program as a whole.<br />
<br />
Huffine also emphasized that many of us in this work take direction from probation departments, which often have pressure to use evidence based practice and miss the importance of research based practice. The goal in our work should not be to replace programming, but to rather enhance and improve it. As a part of this improvement, we need to be aware of risk factors and do more to address risk issues. This becomes challenging as there is often greater emphasis on recidivism and not on risks of ongoing domestic violence (much of which may be non-arrestable).<br />
<br />
The rest of the second day becomes more difficult to report on, due to some experiential sessions. I attended a workshop with Aldo Seoane, who followed up his conversation from before by adding some legendary stories and spoke to how such stories can be important to reflect on. <a href="https://www.facebook.com/groups/DVEducationIntervention/permalink/10156752889982067/" target="_blank">Mary Case, from the Los Angeles LGBT Center</a>, spoke to identifying primary aggressor in LGBT domestic violence cases. I am more used to language focused on predominant aggressor as opposed to primary aggressor, which initially I thought was not that significant a difference - then recognized that the reason for the shift in wording has a lot to do with how <a href="https://www.policeone.com/investigations/articles/413002006-domestic-violence-investigations-how-to-identify-primary-vs-dominant-aggression/" target="_blank">law enforcement sees domestic violence</a>, and assaults in general. PRIMARY aggressor often indicates there is a secondary aggressor. This tends to eliminate an analysis of power and pattern of coercive control as a part of the determination. PREDOMINANT has more to do with an analysis of who controls or dominates the other person. This gave me more of a critical viewpoint to Case's presentation, particularly in the challenges that already come with <a href="http://www.apadivisions.org/division-44/publications/newsletters/division/2013/04/lgbt-issues.aspx" target="_blank">law enforcement responses to LGBTQ+ domestic violence</a>. That said, the LA LGBT Center does screening as a part of their couples counseling program to rule out domestic violence from that service, and when she discussed some differences between victims/survivors and perpetrators, she directly spoke to there being a significant difference in how perpetrators avoid identifying their own behavior and focus on how they perceive themselves to be victimized, whereas victims/survivors tend to be focused on their own behavior - similar to information discussed by Larance above.<br />
<br />
That evening, I facilitated a simulation based on <a href="http://liwanagpress.com/dog-eat-dog/" target="_blank">"Dog Eat Dog,"</a> a role playing game that explores the impact of colonialism on Pacific Island peoples. We began by discussing colonialism as a concept, and how it could fit into domestic violence systems. Three groups went through the experiences within the child protective services, probation, and mental health / substance abuse counseling systems. The simulation is set up to create rewards for following the rules of the system, and penalties in expressing individuality, which is also very common within DV systems as a whole. Anyone who would like to look more fully at the simulation to consider using it within their community can <a href="http://www.drivethrurpg.com/product/198050/Dog-Eat-Dog" target="_blank">click here to learn more</a> or <a href="https://www.shutupandsitdown.com/review-dog-eat-dog/" target="_blank">click here for an in depth review</a>. I will probably write more in depth on this topic in the future, and have already had articles that have explored this overlap before, so feel free to go through other articles if this interests you.<br />
<br />
The final day involved a number of discussions from <a href="https://www.familypeaceinitiative.com/" target="_blank">Family Peace Initiative</a>, and some experiential drumming workshops run by <a href="https://twitter.com/DVIntervention/status/926476046609686528" target="_blank">Rahul Sharma</a> and <a href="http://drummunity.com/" target="_blank">Dummunity</a>. I only participated on the periphery of the drumming workshops, so do not have anything to include here outside of those links (which give a sample of the drumming involved).<br />
<br />
Steve Halley and Dorothy Stuckey Halley started off the day by discussing <a href="https://www.facebook.com/groups/DVEducationIntervention/permalink/10156743181037067/" target="_blank">"Cracking the Code: Understanding those who batter and the connection to risk and lethality,"</a> which began by reviewing work by Bandara in 1973 that summarized abuser's aggression is done in order to 1) appropriate resources, 2) win approval and status, 3) bolster self-esteem and manliness, 4) see the expression of suffering in others. Their claim was that these traits are important to consider in looking at battering behavior. They broke down categories of abusers to the following groups:<br />
<br />
<b>Entitlement based:</b> this category is based in privilege, and a belief in personal righteousness to punish others. Steve and Dorothy described this group as calculated, not being "out of control," and in many cases use anger as a tool by faking it or investing in "righteous anger" to justify abusive behavior. They detailed a subcategory of materially motivated abusers who are primarily wanting money and resources. These abusers are exploitative, see women as interchangeable and disposable, do not have jealousy toward their victims, expect services without needing to reciprocate (such as with chores, sex, etc), have contempt for their victims, view women as restricting their liberty, lack empathy, and some are criminally minded (trafficking behavior, drug sales and use, rarely having police calls from their victims).<br />
<br />
<b>Survival based: </b>these abusers must have their partner to survive, and to keep their image of themselves intact. Their reaction to potential loss of a relationship is not fear, but terror. Their response to a sense of betrayal is not anger, but rage. These individuals have a strong cycle of abuse, have an abusive personality structure, and inhibit total desperation behind their motives. These abuser have borderline traits, even if they do not have borderline personality disorder. They have rage at imperfection, are aloof and narcissistic, and terrified of both separation and closeness. They often create self fulfilling prophecies, and have great perceptions of scarcity. They have an attitude of not ever going back to nothing, no matter what they have to do. During the presentation, <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=50_qMJSPtqY" target="_blank">Mel Gibson</a> was used to illustrate this point by listening to a violent rant against his ex-partner. Protective orders may heighten danger in some cases, and as a general rule victims/survivors should be given the opportunity to get a protective order but never required to obtain one. When analyzing ACE results, the top three factors discovered with survival based abusers were experiences of emotional abuse, having a substance addicted caretaker, and having parental separation. The most dangerous types of survival based batterers were dependency types during separation, and antisocial types during relationships.<br />
<br />
<b>Sadistic based: </b>These abusers derive pleasure by causing pain. They are very intelligent, and often have power within their career. Their abusive behavior often begins long after marriage, and they often hide abuse and think of it as a game. Victims are often noticed when they first enter into psychiatric units and are often seen as "compliant."<br />
<br />
Personally, I am not big on categorization of types of abusers. I have experienced over time in my work that individuals follow unique patterns, and thinking about general categories can easily lead to dehumanizing or believing only certain approaches might work with an individual. That said, I am not entirely clear how Family Peace Initiative uses these categories in their work. If I am looking at overlapping patterns of behavior in men in my groups, I speak about certain categories from within those patterns as opposed to generalizing people into groups. For example, I have seen many men with abusive patterns of behavior who enter into relationships solely for sexual intercourse, but don't really want to develop an intimate relationship. These patterns can lead to unplanned pregnancy, unplanned (and undesired) marriage, a serial pattern of cheating - and these patterns can be discussed as a whole, and where those patterns might have impacts. I use those patterns to humanize the disrespectful and destructive choices and speak to methods of working toward respect and health that fit into individual cases. The milieu of presenting within a small time frame, and inability to discuss these methods also may contribute to my not understanding the context of FPI's categorizations.<br />
<br />
Next, I went to both Steve and Dorothy's presentations on <a href="https://www.facebook.com/groups/DVEducationIntervention/permalink/10156752928852067/" target="_blank">"The River of Cruelty"</a> to see their differing perceptions and understanding of a core component of their curriculum. Overall, I appreciated their different takes, and Trish Taylor's presentation with Dorothy. Their way of explaining cruelty is in reflecting on behavior that intentionally causes pain and fear, or behavior that is willfully and blatantly neglectful of others. In these smaller workshops, participants had a chance to brainstorm examples in each of the categories. It was not directly stated, but I got the impression that FPI does the discussion similarly in their group sessions. Steve discussed how they encourage facilitators to lead by example and discuss their own patterns, which enters into a needed discussion about self-disclosure and its dynamics even if it was not the time for it during the presentation.<br />
<br />
<b>Cruelty: </b>FPI provided a handout on the "River of Cruelty Map" to help discuss the ways cruelty impacts people's lives. It starts with discussions of cruelty children experience, and we as a group listed several examples - some personal, some just based in knowledge of the violence and abuse children face from parents and others. I think this discussion grounded the topic, and when participants asked challenging questions about how to respond to a BIP participant who either refused to participate, or participated inappropriately, FPI staff provided compassionate yet accountability minded responses. It was an ongoing point that understanding experiences of trauma does not excuse someone from their own violent and abusive choices, but it expands accountability to the need to work toward personal healing and self-care.<br />
<br />
<b>Adverse Feelings:</b> I noticed during this part of the discussion that the initial discussion seems to be to brainstorm so-called negative emotions. I found it important to name other adverse feelings as a result of cruelty, such as happiness. Sometimes when people have experienced cruelty, if they believe they are responsible for that cruelty that was done to them, they may feel guilt associated with happiness, or may avoid feeling happy because they do not think they deserve it. Understanding some of these broader applications is important, in my assessment. However, this exercise gives a venue to discuss emotions and sensations without using them to justify.<br />
<br />
<b>Defense Systems: </b>These examples can provide opportunity to reflect on abusive behavior as a defense, or even to discuss resistive violence. The category can also be used to look at responses people take based in gender role training that can easily become toxic.<br />
<br />
<b>Unintended Consequences: </b>In one of my groups last night, I decided to have a conversation over the "River of Cruelty" and had some interesting participation from the men in the group. They, when talking about people inflicting cruelty, seemed to want to focus on a need for revenge, particularly against people who might hurt their children. This branched into a discussion of the unintentional consequences on self and others by making such a choice - by using such a defense system. Intended outcomes are often so much different than unintended consequences and this is a good thing to discuss and reflect on in BIP classes.<br />
<br />
<b>Beliefs-Attitudes: </b>When facing unintended consequences, it is a natural response to develop beliefs or attitudes about the entire experience of cruelty, the results of trauma. Seeing how entitled and disconnected beliefs and attitudes become amplified after experiencing patterns of cruelty might be an excellent avenue to explore development of empathy and repairs.<br />
<br />
Overall, the conference provided excellent dialog over complicated topics, allowed me to engage with peers and colleagues, share my experience with newcomers to the work, and increased my understanding that working with intentional connectedness to others, even those I don't agree with on 100% of our practices, is CRITICAL to learning and growing personally - and in working toward progress on building health and respect, as well as ending violence and abuse.<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />Christopher Hallhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14736385436432859371noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1010965936320411303.post-88742463656143501342017-11-12T12:04:00.003-05:002017-11-12T12:10:03.522-05:00Louis CK and Empathy Work for Abusive MenChances are if you have been within range of the internet, or even a local newspaper over the past few weeks, you've seen the news of numerous allegations and admissions of sexual inappropriateness, sexual assault, and sexual harassment levied against powerful men. In some ways, this is nothing new - such allegations happen regularly and sometimes they stick, other times they get waved away as rumors or settlements are made behind closed doors. What is interesting about Louis CK's sexual harassment allegations are that they were denied as rumors for years, and with pressure ramping up since Harvey Weinstein's fall from grace due to exposure of his sexually violating behavior (and the #metoo backlash), <a href="https://www.nytimes.com/2017/11/10/arts/television/louis-ck-statement.html" target="_blank">CK decided to write a letter that validating five women's claims against him as being true.</a><br />
<br />
In the groups I co-facilitate for men who have chosen battering behavior in their intimate partner relationships, occasionally I have an individual complete an "empathy letter" activity. It is made very clear that this letter is not designed to be given directly to that man's victim/partner, but rather is an exercise to work to increase ability to make repairs and amends in that relationship. I tend to choose that activity for men who are still in a relationship with the woman they hurt, who want to perhaps make things better and continue their relationship. It's not necessarily a great idea to force empathy building onto someone who is not interested in doing so, or for someone who is no longer in a relationship and doesn't care about repairing anything directly. It's also an important point to emphasize that empathy is a PROCESS, not a destination - that no one thing will instantly or completely heal damage that often is done as a pattern over a long period of time.<br />
<br />
For the sake of explaining this activity, and in analyzing the places where CK's letter is a good start toward repairs and where it falls short, let's read through what he wrote and discuss the four aspects of empathy work we look at during battering intervention class sessions. The goal is always to look at what someone comes up with and add to it, nuance it, make it a living document where the individual might have conversations with his partner in one way when a topic comes up, and in another in a different circumstance. CK has given us all a place to analyze, and some have eaten it up and been happy to see him admitting his wrongs, while others have been disgusted and found his letter to be pure bullshit, disingenuous, and simply a cover-your-ass statement. For the sake of the analysis in this article, let's consider that both perspectives might have some weight (I will be quoting his letter out of order to emphasize these different sections).<br />
<br />
The first section to discuss in an empathy letter is does it demonstrate <b>responsibility</b>? Since I believe words hold power, and understanding words helps with clarity, I think it is important to name responsibility as the act of admitting to behavior. Plenty of people avoid ownership of harms they have caused others, and I find that most men entering into battering intervention classes have a hard time doing so at the start. Some might admit to some things, but even in someone who is interested in making repairs it's impossible to admit to full responsibility - particularly in places where the individual is blind to the experience of others. Responsibility, like all the sections is a process, and when the activity is done in the class, I hear someone admit to things and when we offer feedback we ask for more specific detail, for larger patterns, for how things went downhill in a relationship and why. We look at things like poor self-care and how that can damage a relationship, or irritating and alienating behavior that often are dismissed as being too low a threshold to mention (yet can be a huge problem for victims/survivors who experience this irritating and alienating behavior as a foundation to so many other harms).<br />
<br />
Louis CK says the following in his letter, which I have put together as a section where he attempts to work toward responsibility:<br />
<br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<div class="story-body-text story-content" data-node-uid="1" data-para-count="149" data-total-count="3009">
<i>"I want to address the stories told to The New York Times by five women
named Abby, Rebecca, Dana, Julia who felt able to name themselves and
one who did not. These stories are true. The power I had over
these women is that they admired me. And I wielded that power
irresponsibly. [I've] run from [my actions]. I also
took advantage of the fact that I was widely admired in my and their
community. I
have spent my long and lucky career talking and saying anything I want."</i></div>
</blockquote>
When considered separately from the rest of the letter, when thinking about ways CK could have taken more responsibility, there is a lot that could be added here. In a class session, some feedback and discussion here would be to have him specifically name how he was sexually inappropriate, to be more explicit in how he placed women in impossible predicaments, how he understands his power as a producer and history of that power, and even in naming women he has harassed beyond these five that are bringing the accusations against him currently, perhaps even discussing any sexual aspects that contributed to the end of his marriage years before. He could speak to how in his comedy routines he has made his thinly veiled sexually abusive behavior into a humorous tale. He has long incorporated masturbation gestures in his sets, has discussed sexual behavior very directly, has named the impact and ability of power in different ways. He has the ability to name his responsibilities more directly, and his letter gives him an opportunity to expand on what he has listed and continue a dialog about his behavior - or to leave it where it is at and hope public attention goes away. Responsibility is an ongoing process of reflection, insight, and removing of layers. If he is truly working toward repairs, he will need to consistently name these behavior, and do so without blaming or excusing things by focusing on others. Since he said "I have spent my long and lucky career talking and saying anything I want," he needs to use that power to do so here and now. Several people have been angered by his letter, and he needs to validate their anger. Several have been willing to let him off the hook due to his letter, and he needs to admit that his initial letter was a start but is not going to be enough. Make this section an process, not an end point.<br />
<br />
Next, we discuss how to admit to <b>motives</b> behind hurtful behavior. This section can get ugly, and it should. Abuse doesn't happen because someone feels positive things about the person they hurt, and they don't happen with consideration of other's rights and needs. This is a very difficult section to write, and it is very difficult for men who have been abusive to discuss. Louis CK is no exception here, as his description of his motives is minimal:<br />
<br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<i>"At the time, I said to myself that what I did
was O.K. because I never showed a woman my dick without asking first,
which is also true. I didn’t think that I was [using other's admiration of me to silence others] because my position allowed
me not to think about it."</i></blockquote>
He has an opportunity here to say why he did not care about boundaries of professionalism, personal space, sexual limitations, power dynamics, or the humanity of those he violated. He did not. He vaguely discusses his power, but also justifies his actions by saying he asked if he could violate these women before doing so. This is probably the most difficult thing that he will need to do if he wants to make repairs, and much of the heavy criticism of his letter seems to be due to him not explaining motives. This makes any attempts at empathy disingenuous. In intimate partner relationships, think of someone working to make repairs. They admit to harms, seem to understand impacts, say what they need to do to change, but never really say WHY they chose to hurt, chose to cause pain, chose to cause fear. This leaves the person victimized to think in their own minds why this happened. It pushes that responsibility onto someone who will never be able to know the answer, because motive is internal to an abuser's own thoughts and self-talk. In classes, I will speak to the need to be vulnerable as a part of a healthy and respectful relationship. Abusers block off vulnerability, and it makes it impossible to connect with another person, and impossible for them to be able to call you on your faults as well as support you when you need it. In this case, admitting to motives creates vulnerability in others knowing what was going through thoughts and values that allowed a choice to abuse. Louie CK, you need to improve this section dramatically, talk to why you waited several years to finally admit to your abusive behavior, speak to why you abused your power when you are so aware of power dynamics as demonstrated by your work. Why you chose that specific violation, and why you thought you had the ability to get away with such behavior.<br />
<br />
Detailing an understanding of <b>impact</b> on others is in many ways one of the most direct and "easiest" parts of an empathy letter. The challenge is in deepening understanding, looking beyond the obvious. In some ways it is not a surprise that the bulk of Louis CK's letter is focused on impact. It's what people often expect. Others LOOK for impact, but SENSE when there is a lack of details in motive. Let's look at what he detailed and consider ways he could improve on understanding impact:<br />
<br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<i>But what I learned later in life, too late, is that
when you have power over another person, asking them to look at your
dick isn’t a question. It’s a predicament for them. Now I’m aware of the extent of the
impact of my actions. I learned yesterday the extent to which I left
these women who admired me feeling badly about themselves and cautious
around other men who would never have put them in that position. [Using other's admiration for me] disabled them from sharing their story and brought
hardship to them when they tried because people who look up to me didn’t
want to hear it. [My needing to reconcile my abuse with who I am as a person] is nothing
compared to the task I left them with. The
hardest regret to live with is what you’ve done to hurt someone else.
And I can hardly wrap my head around the scope of hurt I brought on
them. I’d be remiss to exclude the hurt that I’ve brought on people who I
work with and have worked with who’s professional and personal lives
have been impacted by all of this, including projects currently in
production: the cast and crew of Better Things, Baskets, The Cops, One
Mississippi, and I Love You, Daddy. I deeply regret that this has
brought negative attention to my manager Dave Becky who only tried to
mediate a situation that I caused. I’ve brought anguish and hardship to
the people at FX who have given me so much The Orchard who took a chance
on my movie. and every other entity that has bet on me through the
years. I’ve brought pain to my family, my friends, my children and their
mother.</i></blockquote>
I have seen criticisms of his letter which talk about CK trying to garner sympathy, sort of the "pity me" request behind his words. This is where that all comes out. Rather than just naming impacts, he laments that he just learned, is finally aware, that he can't wrap his head around the impacts. Think of how selfish such statements can be in identifying impact on others. If you use your understanding of impacts to validate, any statements that refocus on you and your process of how you understand take away from that validation. To say, "now I'm aware of the extent of the impact of my actions," takes it away from a process and makes it an end point. This is not helpful in any way, and cuts off communication. Empathy and repairs are about establishing and expanding open and transparent communication, not closing it off after an initial discussion. He fully spends half of his understanding impacts by focusing on people he has hurt professionally due to his sexually abusive behavior. This moves away from being able to talk about impacts on individuals into hurts on community. In some ways, this can be important, but if it is not combined with explicit and deep understanding of impacts on those directly violated it can remove the ability of empathy to repair. In fact, his focus on community over individuals almost seems to dismiss the impacts to them. He could speak to how his behavior might have changed their comfort around men in general, impacted their own relationships, caused potential trauma, reminded them of trauma they experienced in the past, made them question themselves, perhaps even blame themselves, how they may have been forced to continue working with him and pretend the abuse did not happen. There is a lot Louis CK needs to add here, and during group sessions, there is often a lot of discussion that broadens the ability to validate harms experienced.<br />
<br />
Finally, the empathy letter focuses on <b>accountability</b>. I discuss how responsibility may be owning up and admitting to hurtful behavior, but accountability is about working toward changing it. It's about making goals, and about consistently reaching them. It's about considerations for measurable, realistic, specific, and wanted changes. It's about being vulnerable to others in a way that can allow them to hold you to account for those changes. Here is what Louis CK added in his letter on accountability: <br />
<br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<i>I have been remorseful of my actions. And I’ve tried to
learn from them. There is nothing about this that I forgive
myself for. And I have to reconcile it with who I am. I wish I had reacted to their
admiration of me by being a good example to them as a man and given them
some guidance as a comedian, including because I admired their work. I will now step back and take a long time to listen. Thank you for
reading.</i></blockquote>
Saying you are remorseful is not enough. Why is what you did not okay? Why do you want to stop doing such abuses to others? Not how you are "trying" to learn, but how you plan on learning more and on an ongoing basis. Empathy has little to nothing to do with forgiveness, and more to do with active change. When adding detail about needing to reconcile, how does he plan on doing so? How, despite his destructive patterns, can he work to BE a good example for others, how can he provide guidance in making up for such atrocities? Stepping back and taking time to listen is perhaps helpful, but how? What is listening going to provide, actively, for his ongoing work on empathy and repair? There are many things he could add in here, and during groups, that is where the discussion goes. Accountability, like every section is a PROCESS not an end point.<br />
<br />
Overall, I tend to think Louis CK's letter could potentially be a good starting point. His sincerity is in question, and the only thing that will answer that question is his sincerity to the process, and details of any ongoing work he is willing and able to do. His listening is directly in his letter - but can he listen to criticisms without becoming defensive. Can he listen to the pains caused in others without going into how hard it is for him? Can he be more explicit about his motives to reveal to himself and others how his abusive behavior built as a pattern over time? Can he add to his responsibility by naming more hurtful behavior beyond the things he is being accused of. Ultimately, I have hope, and maybe it is because this is the first time I remember an individual taking accusations of sexual assault and at least simply admitting it is true. Some have called it a low bar, but in some ways, I think it's good to start somewhere. Let's continue to pressure those who choose abusive behavior to raise the bar for themselves and others. Let's keep the dialog going on methods of repairs and work toward health, respect, and amends. Christopher Hallhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14736385436432859371noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1010965936320411303.post-58950929640010987352017-08-31T11:21:00.022-04:002020-10-31T15:36:20.401-04:00The Permutations of Sexuality<p>I am presenting on the dynamics of LGBTQ+ perpetrators of domestic violence soon. While I am an advocate for the LGBTQ+ community, I feel cautious in speaking about a community I am not a member of. I have to be aware of my privilege, and work to be clear with myself and my audience that while my knowledge might be built on years of working with individuals and groups within the community, I make no presumption about my ability to understand or appreciate the experience of those who have struggled their whole lives for acceptance, validation, and equality. This article is designed to create more dialog about sexuality in batterer intervention and domestic violence groups, but also can create greater dialog in general about the layers of sexuality.<br />
<br />
One of the big barriers to society in accepting, validating, and creating equality for the LGBTQ+ community is a willful ignorance and not wanting to understand or care about people who do not fit into the status quo of heterosexuality, and a belief that this status quo is a model of how "things should be done." The problem is that sexuality is mostly seen in binary terms. You're either gay or straight. Bisexuality is not even a part of the equation. People who might identify as bisexual are dismissed or ridiculed, because after all if they are a man in a relationship with a man they must be gay, right? Or a woman who is married to a man but says she is bisexual can't be sexually interested in both men and women because she is obviously with a man.<br />
<br />
If we can't allow people to self-identify as being sexually interested in both men and women, how can we possibly move to understand other forms of sexuality? If sexuality is seen in binary terms, how can we have any discussions about sexual orientation without turning it into an "us vs. them" argument? <br />
<br />
Binary understanding of sexuality is only a part of the confusion. There has been much public debate about transgender rights, and we've gotten confused about the difference between sexuality and gender identity. Someone who is transgender can be any sexual orientation. If you have a binary understanding, you get confused. If someone is M-F transgender, and is sexually attracted to men, I have certainly heard people wondering if that makes the person gay or straight. When people do not honor someone's identification, and stick to a "this or that" idea of sexuality, it becomes very difficult to properly gender an individual - not for the purposes of labeling, but rather the ability to properly respect their identification. If an individual is M-F transgender, they identify as FEMALE. If they are sexually interested in men, they are HETEROSEXUAL. Gender identity is separate from sexuality.<br />
<br />
In this article, I am also not addressing Queer identity, as it goes
along a few different categories - someone can be genderqueer, where
they do not identify with any specific gender, or identify as both
genders, or can also be associated with not identifying with a specific
sexual orientation or interest. For such individuals, they can also be
Questioning, and their not identifying might have more to do with an
exploration of what identity they fit into as opposed to intentionally
deciding and declaring a lack of association with an identity.
Someone's choice to not identity should be honored as much as someone's
choice not to disclose their identity, or someone's choice to be open
about their identity. <br />
<br />
To work against binary identification, consider that there
are three layers of sexuality: Sexual Orientation, Sexual Frequency, and Romantic/Emotional Connection. The one we obsess over is sexual orientation, but understanding the other two layers creates a permutation of five sexual orientations, six sexual frequencies, and six romantic/emotional orientations leading to a total of 180 possible combinations of sexuality.<br />
<br />
<u><b>Layers of Sexual Orientation:</b></u><br />
This layer is relatively static. Human beings start in life with a specific sexual interest, which develops in awareness and understanding as a child enters puberty, and it doesn't tend to change over the course of a lifetime. This is sometimes hard for people to accept, particularly because we talk about "coming out of the closet," or know someone who may have been married and has biological children but then "decided" they were gay. Someone could have been gay all their life, but never felt safe or comfortable telling others their sexual attraction. An individual could have attempted to squash that desire down and force themselves to be with someone not of their own gender. Some think of sexual orientation as a choice, but is it really a choice when our society has a number of consequences (both directly stated and implied) for telling others about a sexual orientation other than heterosexual? Who you are attracted to is not a choice, how you present that to the world is. Sexual behavior is not necessarily an accurate indicator of sexual orientation.<br />
<br />
<u><b> </b></u><br />
Heterosexuality is sexual attraction to someone of the "opposite sex". That term is problematic if you understand the idea of multiple genders (as well as <a href="https://www.plannedparenthood.org/learn/sexual-orientation-gender/gender-gender-identity" target="_blank">genetic sexual traits</a>) - however colloquially we get the idea, and accept it overall. The idea of multiple genders can make heterosexuality complicated, as when considering attraction and sexual interest, is it purely about someone's genitalia, or is there more to it than that? Homosexuality is sexual attraction to someone of the same sex.<br />
<br />
The concept of "bi" in sexual orientation (and in layers of emotional/romantic attraction) <a href="https://bisexual.org/?qna=what-is-the-difference-between-bisexual-and-terms-like-pansexual-polysexual-omnisexual-ambisexual-and-fluid" target="_blank">refer to a person who is not limited to sexual attraction toward one sex</a>. Bisexuality can be someone's identity even if he/she is in a relationship with one person of same or opposite sex. Someone can be attracted to one sex, but together with another - which is part of the confusion some experience when they label others or do not accept their stated identification.<br />
<br />
The other two sexual orientations get even more confusing with a binary focus. <a href="http://pipertalks.tumblr.com/post/41752848688/new-word-transamory" target="_blank">Transamorous</a> is a form of sexual orientation where someone is sexually attracted to a transgender person. It is important to distinguish the difference between transamorous and someone who has a sexual fetish, as a fetish to a specific body part would better fit as a paraphilia, below. <span display="inline"><span data-ft="{"tn":"K"}"><span class="UFICommentBody">One does not need to have surgery to be considered "transitioned." Many trans people never get bottom surgery, for a multitude of reasons, but when the individual says they have transitioned, then they have regardless of the current state of their genitalia. </span></span></span>Someone who is transamorous has sexual desire specifically for someone who identifies as transgender, and there is often an element of queerromantic emotional attachment as a part of this orientation.<br />
<b></b><i></i><u></u><sub></sub><sup></sup><strike></strike><br />
Paraphilias, of which there are several, are also relatively rare but help to explain some things we often as a society do not want to understand. Often associated and categorized as disorders, the label can be problematic - particularly with paraphilias that do not harm other people. Objectophilia has gotten some attention on television shows over the past few years. It is where a person is sexually attracted to an object. While one example might be the movie, "<a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lars_and_the_Real_Girl" target="_blank">Lars and the Real Girl</a>" that explores a man's relationship with a sex doll, there are also shows which highlight a man in a relationship (sexually and emotionally) with his car, a woman who has sexual desire and wants to marry an amusement park ride, etc. This is bizarre to most people, and difficult to comprehend on several levels. Just because you do not understand does not mean it fails to exist. The most commonly focused on paraphilia is pedophilia - the sexual attraction toward children. This can be very important to consider, as if you remember earlier in this article there being a comment about sexual orientation being STATIC. It tends not to change over the course of one's life. That means that there is no real "treatment" for making a pedophile stop wanting to have sex with children, as there is no treatment to stop someone from being gay. It is a sexual desire, and when I did work at a sex offender treatment program, therapists often discussed how with pedophiles the only thing to do is lifelong intensive monitoring, supervision, and treatment. There are other paraphilias, but for the sake of keeping this article manageable, consider these two as an example of this orientation.<br />
<br />
<u><b>Sexual Frequency:</b></u><br />
When it comes to sexual frequency, many of these labels are thought to be sexual orientations, which like binary association of sexuality cause much confusion. Regardless of sexual interest (orientation), every person has a desired frequency of sexual activity. This can create any number of relationship issues, and domestic violence intervention programs hopefully spend time speaking directly to frequency issues in relationships as it can often contribute to an abuser's sense of entitlement and disconnect from a partner. Frequency, unlike orientation, is fluid over a lifespan. This means that as a human being gets older, sexual drive may change, and sometimes may stop for an individual due to medical, social, spiritual and other factors in that person's life. Being aware of sexual frequency can help to navigate several issues, and understand some contexts of sexual interactions that otherwise are confounding.<br />
<br />
Allosexual is possibly the most common sexual frequency, yet most people have never heard of the term. It indicates sexual desire within "normal" boundaries. Research has spent time trying to figure out what the definition of normal is in terms of sexual frequency, and often studies look at the <a href="http://www.issm.info/sexual-health-qa/what-is-the-normal-frequency-of-sex/" target="_blank">relationship status of the individual</a> as a part of this analysis. The theory is that if someone is in a committed relationship (married being one such example), then the couple will most likely have sex more regularly. This is not necessarily the case, and with technology and "dating" apps on phones and computers, this research may not hold up under the current social environment of anonymous contacts and <a href="http://www.newyorker.com/science/maria-konnikova/casual-sex-everyone-is-doing-it" target="_blank">casual sex</a> being both more socially acceptable, and easier (and safer by being more discreet) to engage in.<br />
<br />
Hypersexual is normally understood by the name itself, even if someone has not thought of it as a label. This is someone who frequently desires sex, and may have sex multiple times daily if possible. Sometimes, this drive is associated with mental health issues (<a href="https://themighty.com/2016/08/hypersexuality-the-part-of-bipolar-disorder-no-one-talks-about/" target="_blank">such as bipolar disorder</a>) when someone is in a manic state. Since sexual frequency is a fluid and changeable form of sexuality, this makes sense that a person may go through stages of wanting sex at rates much higher than average.<br />
<br />
Asexuality is an oft maligned form of sexual frequency, and I am thankful to the asexual community for discussing the multi-layered dynamic of sexuality for many years. Sometimes people dismiss asexuality like they dismiss bisexuality, thinking it is a choice and placing their own sense of the world, their own perceptions, onto someone with radically different life experiences, perceptions, and desired frequency. People can understand if someone has medical issues which prevent them from having sex, but sometimes even someone within this category still DESIRES sex even if they cannot have it. Asexuality is simply the lack of sexual desire, but someone may still have a specific sexual orientation even if they do not have desire. For someone who identifies as asexual, their orientation may not be very important to them because they lack that interest altogether, and so there is an illusion that asexuality is an orientation in itself. However, there are heterosexual asexuals, homosexual asexuals, bisexual asexuals, etc.<br />
<br />
Greysexuality is infrequent sexual desire, and is very similar to asexuality - but a major difference is that the person who is greysexual will still occasionally want to have sex, but but not have sexual activity very often. People can be greysexual due to life experiences where they may have been hurt, have been sick, or experienced social, religious, or relationship issues that lead to a reduction in sexual desire they once had. There are several reasons someone might be greysexual, and in a relationship where one person is allosexual and another is greysexual - there could be several relationship issues that might develop from this mismatched frequency.<br />
<br />
Pansexuality and omnisexuality are two terms with an overlap within their definition - a person who has an interest in others beyond their gender identity, and whose sexual frequency desire is not inherently tied to their sexual orientation. While a person experiencing a hypersexual frequency will want increased sexual activity within their sexual orientation (ex. a heterosexual hypersexual who is male who wants to have a lot of sex with women), an omnisexual might have sex when the opportunity presents itself, no matter the other person's sex or gender. HOWEVER, just because someone wants to have sex with anyone does not inherently make them bisexual, or homosexual if they choose sex with someone of the same sex. This becomes very confusing in certain circumstances, such as with <a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tearoom_Trade" target="_blank">men who have sex at rest areas</a>. Some of these men identify as straight, and take offense at direct or indirect accusations of being gay. For these men, sex is sex, and getting it whenever possible is the goal - not whether it is a man or a woman. For someone with a binary understanding of sexuality this makes zero sense, after all if a man is having sex with a man doesn't that mean he's gay? Or at the very least bisexual? No - because someone's sexual orientation does not always play out in how they act sexually. Pan/omnisexual is a start in explaining this. </p><p> Histories of orgies also explain some of this behavior, where group sex might just be about having sex with anyone in the context of a party as opposed to a context of sexual orientation. There is also <a href="http://bilerico.lgbtqnation.com/2011/11/pansexuality_a_hidden_gender_binary_buster.php" target="_blank">discussion about pansexuality being its own orientation</a>, where someone is attracted to others by their personality or "soul" as opposed to sex/gender. Pansexuals are willing to have sex with people regardless of their orientation or gender, but due to the construct of openness and definitional complications that exist within that, it is challenging to generalize features of pansexuals as a whole. However, in considering the layer of frequency as a part of sexuality, it opens up a greater understanding of how some people can be primarily sexually oriented in one way, but during certain events act <a href="https://www.themarysue.com/sense8-reson-to-watch/" target="_blank">sexually in another way</a>.<br />
<br />
Demisexuality and sapeosexuality has to do with desire that is mixed with emotional/mental ties. The next layer of sexuality (romantic/emotional connection) is specifically about that dynamic, and these categorize more as a frequency than an emotional tie. Demisexuality is desire for sex ONLY if there is an emotional connection, whereas a similar type, sapeosexuality is sexual desire only with an interest in someone's intellect. This may mean that someone will not engage in sexual behavior with another person unless they feel a certain emotional/mental bond. This can complicate intimate partner relationships if someone has a lowered sense of emotional connection, and therefore does not desire sex with their partner. While on some levels, this is a normal and reasonable impact of harm in a relationship, on other levels there can be little or no harm and still someone may have an increase or decrease in desire based on that connection. I have heard many participants in batterer intervention programs talk about their partners not wanting to have sex anymore, and this could be one of several reasons why this might be the case. People who are demi/sapeosexual may be less likely to cheat, or may only cheat in very specific circumstances (or develop <a href="http://www.huffingtonpost.com/entry/this-is-what-an-emotional-affair-is-and-what-it-isnt_us_55de27cce4b08dc0948652d5" target="_blank">emotional affairs</a>). They may have a harder time developing a relationship, regardless of sexual orientation. Often someone within this category may seem allosexual, but circumstances and context help to guide understanding about where someone might fit here instead.<br />
<br />
<u><b>Romantic/Emotional Attachment:</b></u><br />
Everyone has different ways in which they emotionally bond with others. We often consider this as something separate from sexuality - but consider what it can mean if it is not so separate after all. To me, this category can help explain many relationship challenges, and motivations for abusive behavior in relationships. This layer of sexuality is tied specifically to whom someone is truly connected to, both inside and outside of an intimate partner relationship. This layer is also fluid and changes throughout someone's life due to circumstance, choice, and as new bonds form with others. Consider the following categories of this layer:<br />
<br />
<u><b> </b></u><br />
Heteroromantic is about how someone seeks out and fosters relationships mainly with people of the opposite sex. This layer has nothing to do with sexual desire, but rather emotional desire. Many of these categories harbor certain challenges. In this category, one can be a man who is only interested in developing friendships and close emotional ties with women. Consider the challenge of a man who is heterosexual, in a relationship with a woman, but his friends, mentors, and support network are overwhelmingly women. If his intimate partner does not understand these bonds as purely emotional, this might lead to various relationship challenges if she becomes jealous over the content and context of these connections. Sometimes, experiences in childhood (particularly trauma) can influence this emotional connection. For example, a boy who is bullied by other boys or who witnesses and experiences harm from a father or father figure may disassociate from boys and men, and find that they only create emotional connections with women. This could potentially lead an individual into having an emotional affair, where they share secrets and emotional connection with a person who is not their intimate partner.<br />
<br />
Homoromantic can be more common due to gender role training. Early in childhood, boys and girls begin to notice differences in sex and begin to harbor stereotypes about the opposite sex, and while doing so, mostly create emotional bonds with and friendships to those who are the same sex. While children grow into dating ages and begin to develop sexual interests, emotional connections often change and the individual develops emotional connections to both sexes. For some, their connection emotionally to people of the same sex continues to be dominant, and people who are homoromantic might have a difficult time with connections in general with the opposite sex. I believe there are a significant number of male, heterosexual, domestic violence offenders who are homoromantic - and this explains much of their challenges in intimate partner relationships. They are only sexually interested in women, but all their emotional ties are to men. Their friends, their support, their sense of entertainment are all tied to other men. They can sometimes actively dislike women on emotional and mental levels (and be misogynistic as a part of this), and have a very difficult time creating any sort of bonds outside of sex. Some men will flit from sexual encounter to sexual encounter, have children with several women, but never have a relationship that lasts beyond a short time frame. Gender role training often greatly supports this kind of emotional connection, and homoromantic leanings can lead to fathers having a difficult time with daughters, and mothers having a difficult time with sons. <br />
<br />
Biromantic seems like an emotional/romantic attachment that has the potential to be the healthiest, in that this person will form bonds with both men and women. They often are simply interested in connection with others who share values and meaning, who have similar interests, who they enjoy spending time with - and all of these not attached specifically to the person's sex.<br />
<br />
Each of these three romantic/emotional connections discussed so far can feed into heterosexism, cissexism, and homophobia in different ways. For a heteroromantic, they may in their distaste for the same sex have great disdain for people who are gay, cannot imagine an emotional connection at all, and for someone who is gay, they may be oppressive toward other gay people due to this distaste and can create toxic relationships. Someone who is homoromantic may recognize (consciously or subconsciously) that they only are interested in friendships with the same sex, and may adamantly oppose the idea of homosexuality due to fears that their connection with the same sex might make people think they are gay. This distaste or hatred of people who are gay can be a combination of self-loathing, judgment of sexual behavior, or even a judgment of emotional attachment. Someone who is biromantic might enjoy connection with both men and women, but be judgmental of people who are transgender, or still make assumptions about how sexual behavior should happen despite that more balanced emotional connection.<br />
<br />
Queerromantic is attachments mainly to people who are in the LGBTQ+ community. On occasion this emotional/romantic attraction is specific to one aspect of the community (such as romantic/emotional ties to transgender people), but due to the more validating nature of a community with common ties, this individual might have a difficult time forming connections with anyone outside of that community.<br />
<br />
Aromantic is someone who does not like having emotional ties to anyone. They often are introverted, exclude themselves from social gatherings, and have few, if any friends or supports. With someone who is aromantic, they may keep distance between themselves and others (such as main sources of interaction being connected to online interactions), or cut ties with people who they once were associated with (such as distance from family). Someone who is aromantic, may still have layers of desired frequency and sexual orientation, but may fulfill these desires mainly via masturbation and/or sexually explicit media.<br />
<br />
Greyromantic, like greysexual, is infrequent interest in connections with others. This may be much like aromantic, but this person will have a few close ties to others, or have occasional desire to have social interaction. It may ebb and flow, but this person is just as (or even more) content to be alone as having a specific intimate partner relationship.<br />
<br />
In conclusion, understanding these layers of sexuality can be critical to respectful dialog, but also can be very useful in considering some specific circumstances of an abuser's pattern of relationship choices, history of emotional connections in general, and where discussion of a healthy support system may fit. I created a graphical representation of these 180 sexualities in the chart below:<br />
<br />
</p><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi6cgyTyAi6mWu3-geQXrN6h-iyoRcfQyTOEcR28woS1J2EBXICPlOI-3AmmN-GpBiC7wXc5bMImbelGcw-AzfQBeNQsbKZTHpX7bDVa4ApdyTaW17-k1SGNMkg8m6ObGQ32b4b7rZoCes/s1600/Capture.JPG" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="717" data-original-width="1559" height="292" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi6cgyTyAi6mWu3-geQXrN6h-iyoRcfQyTOEcR28woS1J2EBXICPlOI-3AmmN-GpBiC7wXc5bMImbelGcw-AzfQBeNQsbKZTHpX7bDVa4ApdyTaW17-k1SGNMkg8m6ObGQ32b4b7rZoCes/s640/Capture.JPG" width="640" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Permutations of Sexuality - may be used with credit attached</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
<br />
<span style="font-size: x-small;"><i>**This article would not have been possible without discussions and information I have gathered from the asexual online community. I have had direct chats with individuals who I do not have names for, and have been particularly inspired by work focused on romantic/emotional connections via <a href="http://imgur.com/2KWecRZ" target="_blank">this graphic</a> (I am unclear on the identity of the original author).</i></span><br />
<i><span style="font-size: x-small;">***Thank you specifically to Darlene Pineda for specific wording and feedback regarding the section on transamory. </span></i><br />
<i><span style="font-size: x-small;">****An excellent additional resource to consider is <a href="https://issuu.com/jkharij/docs/decolonizing_gender_zine_v2.compres" target="_blank">Decolonizing Gender by malcolm & kheri </a></span></i>Christopher Hallhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14736385436432859371noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1010965936320411303.post-85278570659979123722017-02-13T15:30:00.000-05:002018-11-23T12:56:39.241-05:00Leveraging Privilege: A Primer for Domestic Violence Intervention and Other Anti-Oppression Work by Oppressor Classes<span style="font-size: x-small;"><i><b>[I often add links to deepen the discussion of topics I write about, to illustrate points, and to reference my work - however in this article, reading some of these links is critical if you feel discomfort at a topic, get angry at the article, or don't understand a section. Please read the links to see if they answer your questions, anger, or confusion - particularly if you feel a desire to help, but at the same time feel that oppressed people treat you poorly, are angry at your contributions, or <a href="http://www.alternet.org/news-amp-politics/why-do-white-people-think-people-color-are-obligated-teach-them-about-race" target="_blank">do not help you to better understand</a>. </b></i></span><span style="font-size: x-small;"><i><b><span style="font-size: xx-small;"><i><b>This
article was written with much discussion and feedback with friends,
mentors, and peers - and thank you to you all for the challenges, the
arguments, and the work that resulted from your feedback.</b></i></span>]</b></i></span> <br />
<br />
Since his inauguration, there have been an unprecedented number of <a href="http://www.bbc.com/news/world-us-canada-38705586" target="_blank">protests</a> against US President Donald Trump. The rallies and marches have sought to put light on women's rights, and to a lesser extent, human rights as a whole which protestors believe are <a href="http://nymag.com/thecut/2017/01/trumps-team-could-cut-violence-against-women-programs.html" target="_blank">heavily threatened</a> by President Trump and his policies. In a <a href="http://www.dvinterventioneducation.com/2017/01/is-domestic-violence-bipartisan-issue.html" target="_blank">prior article</a>, I discussed the nuances of how political leanings contribute to domestic violence responses - but politics impact much more than that.<br />
<br />
Protesting Trump and his policies is one potential tactic of resistance, but there need to be mindful reflections on how to leverage privilege and be aware of the impact of personal power and what it means to be an oppressor class who is working to stand against oppression. This article is designed to challenge readers to question places in their lives where they are blind to the struggles of those with relatively less power. As such, this article will most likely make many people uncomfortable, perhaps even angry - and that is a feature, not a fault of this article. We don't move forward and improve by being comfortable, and if you have not felt discomfort in working to end domestic violence (or in any other anti-oppression or human rights work) - you might need to reconsider your strategies and self-reflection.<br />
<br />
<u>1) What is Oppression Theory?</u><br />
Before discussing leveraging, we need to talk about and identify oppression as a concept. While we may talk about it in different ways, unless the concept is clear and workable, it is not going to be possible to make efforts to end it. There are several methods of understanding oppression theory (some examples include <a href="https://mrdevin.files.wordpress.com/2009/06/five-faces-of-oppression.pdf" target="_blank">Iris Young</a> or <a href="http://www.comminit.com/democracy-governance/content/pedagogy-oppressed-paulo-freire-analysis" target="_blank">Paulo Freire</a>), each offering complementary insight into the phenomenon of oppression. My initial exposure to Oppression Theory came from attending a domestic violence conference early in the start of my career thanks to a presentation by the Midvalley Women's Crisis Center (now <a href="http://hopeandsafety.org/" target="_blank">Center for Hope and Safety</a>).<br />
<br />
The presenters discussed Oppression as built by three components: Power, Privilege, and <a href="http://www.edchange.org/multicultural/papers/caleb/racism.html" target="_blank">Prejudice</a>. All three had to exist in order for oppression to manifest. Power is defined as the ability to change yourself and others. Privilege is the history of that power and where it comes from. Prejudice is attitudes, behavior, and thoughts about someone not based on who they are as an individual, but based on characteristics of a group that person represents.<br />
<br />
The presenters immediately explained why concepts such as "reverse-oppression" do not exist. For instance, with racism as a form of oppression, someone who is non-white may have prejudice against someone who is white... But without power within society, and without that privileged history of having power that prejudiced, non-white individual does not have the societal precedent and acceptance of that prejudice necessary to reach the level of oppression. Prejudice is problematic, sure, but separating prejudice as a concept separate from (but a part of) oppression helps to create clarity for ending racism (in this example) or other forms of oppression.<br />
<br />
This discussion led to a woman in the audience (I was the only man present, in a room of approximately 30 women) claiming that this was ridiculous as a concept because an example about women not feeling safe alone at night walking down a street was not true for her. She felt perfectly comfortable in her neighborhood, therefore women who feel fear about potentially being harmed by men were just being overly sensitive. The presenters (two women) responded by saying that this woman, in making that statement, was diminishing and eliminating the experience of any woman who had been sexually or physically assaulted by a man, or had experienced fear due to the threat. While her individual experience may have been to not have fear, it is important when considering oppression, for each individual to resist putting their sense of safety onto someone who may not feel that same level of safety.<br />
<br />
Then the presenters turned to me, which in the moment shocked me. They said, "and you, as a man, not taking a moment to speak out against her claim that women were overly sensitive if they felt afraid - your silence supported that statement. Having the power and privilege you inherit by being a man means your silence supports your own power and privilege." This was how I began to understand what it means to leverage privilege. To start, it means not being silent when witnessing oppressive statements or behavior that support your personal power and privilege, and at the same time knowing that in places where I have power, I have a layer of impunity to harms that oppressed groups feel regularly.<br />
<br />
<u>2) What is Intersectionality?</u><br />
Oppression Theory is the concept of the interaction between Power, Privilege, and Prejudice - and it leads into an opportunity to understand Intersectionality. While the idea of interactions of varying kinds of oppression is <a href="http://www.msafropolitan.com/2012/11/a-cultural-history-of-intersectionality-and-it-dates-back-to-sojourner-truth.html" target="_blank">not new</a> - Kimberlé Crenshaw <a href="https://philpapers.org/archive/CREDTI.pdf" target="_blank">coined the term in 1989</a> when working to communicate the difference between white and non-white women responding to sexism.<br />
<br />
Crenshaw outlined the experience of Black women as being often excluded from feminist theory and anti-racist politics. A big part of her analysis focused on the idea of a "single axis framework" that was used to view feminism and racism. Over time, feminism has often focused on white women's experiences. Racism has often focused on men of color. The feminist concerns of Black women were often assumed to be addressed by the feminist concerns of "all women" - the difference and nuance of their experiences, as Black women, was excluded. Black women's experience of racism, similarly, were often assumed to be included in the "racism" framework, and their experience as women was excluded. Crenshaw argued that for Black women, there is a multi-layered experience of oppression that needs to be considered beyond a singular axis of understanding.<br />
<br />
When I attended the <a href="http://www.wocninc.org/" target="_blank">Women of Color Network</a> conference in 2010, the focus was on looking at where experiences of victims and survivors of domestic violence fit in the realm of intersectionality. The conference attendees were divided into three groups - women of color, white women, and men (of the 500ish attendees, only 50 or so were men, leading to a smaller combined group). Throughout the conference, I heard white women complaining about being divided from women of color. Many were hurt by this division, and there was arguing and conflict throughout the conference driven by these same white women. This "<a href="https://mic.com/articles/125084/the-brutal-truth-every-white-feminist-needs-to-hear#.3dRYI3gIs" target="_blank">white feminism</a>" seeks to make experiences of sexism "single axis" - making the experiences of all women the same when considering men's oppressive behavior toward women, but the reality is that women of color experience different layers within that oppression.<br />
<br />
In work to end domestic violence, and when intervening with domestic violence offenders, understanding intersectionality can prevent BIP/DVIP classes from narrowly considering abusive, violent, and controlling behavior as being a product solely of sexism (male privilege). Abusers have many levels where they believe in their superiority over their partners/victims/children, believe others are less than they are, and believe in being personally deserving of special consideration and care from those they harm. In work to empower victims/survivors of domestic violence, intersectionality offers opportunities to analyze environments of shelters, accommodations that are culturally sensitive, and an <a href="http://www.vox.com/identities/2017/1/25/14355302/womens-march-feminism-intersectionality-women-of-color-white-feminists" target="_blank">ongoing reflection</a> on the significant variance in experiences of those harmed by domestic violence.<br />
<br />
While sexism is, certainly, often a predominant factor in men's abuse of women, many male abusers can also be controlling and abusive due to class (more financial resources or control, more educational experience or value), race, ability (whether their partner/victim is disabled mentally or physically), faith/religion, or any other oppressive advantage they might hold over their partner. Viewing these intersections of oppressive behavior can provide insight into understanding an abuser's patterns of harm, but can also offer avenues to insight and empathy for oppression the abuser has personally experienced (this may involve <a href="https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/23978773" target="_blank">trauma-informed responses</a> to <a href="http://www.familypeaceinitiative.com/blog/370-a-missing-piece-in-batterer-intervention" target="_blank">domestic violence offenders</a>).<br />
<br />
<u>3) What does it mean to "leverage" privilege?</u><br />
Privilege is the history of power in different categories. To begin the process of leveraging, first it is critical to understand where you individually have power in your life. To use myself as an example, I have many layers of power that I hold due to history and groups which have had patterns of controlling others with less power. To describe what it means to leverage privilege, I will use these examples to highlight some of the many places privilege brings invisibility to people who are oppressed.<br />
<br />
I am white, and as a white person, I need to understand the <a href="https://scholarblogs.emory.edu/violenceinafrica/sample-page/the-philosophy-of-colonialism-civilization-christianity-and-commerce/" target="_blank">history of colonialism</a> that is behind this <a href="https://studentdevelopmenttheory.wordpress.com/racial-identity-development/" target="_blank">racial designation</a><a href="https://studentdevelopmenttheory.wordpress.com/racial-identity-development/" target="_blank"> and identity</a>, as well as the <a href="http://www.pbs.org/race/000_General/000_00-Home.htm" target="_blank">illusion being white holds</a>. If I am doing <a href="http://paulkivel.com/resource/breaking-white-silence-and-stepping-up-your-work-for-racial-justice/" target="_blank">work</a> to end racism, I need to <a href="http://www.pisab.org/our-principles" target="_blank">listen to those who have been the victims of racism and colonialism</a> - and I need to be able to understand how <a href="http://rollingout.com/2015/01/30/invisible-people/" target="_blank">white people are blind to the experience of non-whites</a>, and often <a href="http://www.alternet.org/news-amp-politics/why-do-white-people-think-people-color-are-obligated-teach-them-about-race" target="_blank">fail to listen or care</a> about perspectives of non-whites who describe experiences of harm. To leverage my privilege in this category of being white, I need to speak to others who are white, work to communicate these experiences and work to shed light on experiences that are often made invisible. I need to pay careful attention to my silence when racism and colonialism are topics discussed around me, and work to stand against racism and <a href="https://twitter.com/sydnerain/status/823378710833270786" target="_blank">not dismiss</a> when non-white people <a href="https://twitter.com/MayaAMonroe/status/823021935567179777" target="_blank">shed light on their experiences</a>.<br />
<br />
I am heterosexual, cisgender, and I need to understand how homophobia and heterosexism fit as a <a href="http://www.rapereliefshelter.bc.ca/sites/default/files/imce/HomophobiaAWeaponofSexismCondensed.pdf" target="_blank">weapon of sexism</a>. I need to be able to notice and see how transgender people are <a href="https://calculators.io/national-transgender-discrimination-survey/" target="_blank">discriminated against and harmed</a> by misgendering, <a href="http://www.hrc.org/resources/violence-against-the-transgender-community-in-2016" target="_blank">direct</a> and <a href="http://www.huffingtonpost.com/trav-pittman/trans-woman-of-color-4-years-to-live_b_8637038.html" target="_blank">indirect</a> violence, and their experiences <a href="https://tranzgendr.com/transgender-people-2/" target="_blank">ignored</a> even within LGBTQ+ movements. A part of listening to those with less power, and leveraging privilege, involves an ongoing dedication to <a href="https://www.campuspride.org/safespace/" target="_blank">learning</a> about threats to communities and gaining <a href="http://itspronouncedmetrosexual.com/2013/01/a-comprehensive-list-of-lgbtq-term-definitions/#sthash.tNuoQJIm.dpbs" target="_blank">cultural learning</a> in cultures which I am not a part of. Heterosexual people simply "supporting" the LGBTQ+ community are not leveraging privilege, and in fact can often be practicing silence and maintaining blindness to those they have power over. This is a main reason the concept of being an "ally" <a href="http://feministing.com/2013/10/01/the-case-against-allies/" target="_blank">can be problematic</a>, and there has been a shift within some communities to work on utilizing the concept of being an "<a href="http://www.indigenousaction.org/accomplices-not-allies-abolishing-the-ally-industrial-complex/" target="_blank">accomplice</a>" in working alongside oppressed groups toward gaining footing and influence (if you struggle with thinking the term "accomplice" seems criminal, it might be important to <a href="http://www.indigenousaction.org/accomplices-not-allies-abolishing-the-ally-industrial-complex/" target="_blank">click on the link</a>).<br />
<br />
There are several articles <a href="http://everydayfeminism.com/2016/02/160-examples-of-male-privilege/" target="_blank">naming</a> and <a href="http://www.cpt.org/files/US%20-%20Male%20Privilege%20&%20Violence.pdf" target="_blank">describing</a>
male privilege, and it has its own wedge dedicated on the Duluth
Model's Power and Control Wheel. Like much that fits into being an
oppressor class, being male does not automatically mean harm and
disrespect toward women and girls. Part of the challenge in leveraging
privilege is understanding that power is often not a chosen thing and
can be neutral, destructive and disrespectful, or constructive and
healthy (or anywhere in-between). As a man, I have more ability to speak to men and hold them
accountable than women might be able - because like other oppressor
classes, men can easily make women's experiences or feedback invisible. I
can leverage that privilege by working as an accomplice to my female
co-facilitator in BIP/DVIP groups, listening to her experiences and
amplifying her voice to men who have been abusive and may not hear her
words or examples. I can be mindful of my behavior and attitude and
where my privilege as a man might make it easy to dismiss her as a
cofacilitator, and as a partner in the groups.<br />
<br />
Men
often want to be given recognition for their "good behavior," and invest
in anti-sexism causes on occasion to gain congratulations and thanks
for work that women have been struggling over forever. Women feel
compelled to reward men for doing anti-sexism work, joining at rallies or
marches, or giving support. Leveraging, in part, means being able to do
work without asking for recognition or reward, and being able to
directly speak to your motives for doing that work. If the answer in
part has to do with "feeling good" it may be playing to that power, not
helping to address it.<br />
<br />
I have an advanced college degree, a master's of social work, and I am of middle socioeconomic class. Some layers of privilege do not shift, or only shift when changing location. Monetary resources can fluctuate over a lifetime, as educational access can shift when someone is able to learn more through a trade or school. I had to work to gain my MSW, but I also had to have financial ability to go back to gain this education. I have been impoverished and experienced financial devastation in my past, but I also grew up surrounded by family who assisted me a number of times to keep me from being completely destitute. People of middle or upper socioeconomic classes can easily develop <a href="http://itspronouncedmetrosexual.com/2012/10/list-of-upperclass-privilege/#sthash.Jm3bF6JG.dpbs" target="_blank">power and privilege</a> and be blind to the reality of <a href="https://www.ahaprocess.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/08/Social-Class-Hidden-Rules-Quiz.pdf" target="_blank">skill sets</a> (and <a href="https://www.google.com/url?sa=t&rct=j&q=&esrc=s&source=web&cd=&ved=0ahUKEwjdocb2ydvRAhWk8YMKHXUwAwYQFghBMAU&url=https%3A%2F%2Fwww2.gwu.edu%2F~umpleby%2Fmgt216%2FMgt%2520216%2520Payne%2520on%25203%2520Classes.ppt&usg=AFQjCNGdgf0haBHZU8QWTG9mTACkac0SNg&sig2=26cL3FsyybiB_kstIWYxwQ&cad=rja" target="_blank">social rules</a>) being different by class. As my class position has shifted over the years, to leverage my privilege when I am in more advantageous places of power, I need to remember my experiences and my sense of safety without imposing my experience on others.<br />
<br />
An ongoing challenge in anti-oppression work overall is when people in positions of power (oppressor classes) take their knowledge and experiences in life and believe others should have or do have the same sense of comfort and safety as they have. As I mentioned, I have experienced financial devastation in my life - but I had family to help at the worst times. If I took that sense of having a safety net and projected that experience onto someone without family supports, it would be oppressive of me (as I would be speaking from my power and privilege, and would be prejudging someone and expecting them to have the same resources I had when I was in financial hardship).<br />
<br />
Power is about ability to change self or others, and gaining recognition for standing against oppression may change how you feel about yourself, and change how others feel about you. This is not to say that feeling satisfaction is wrong or bad, but speaks to motivation and begs the question: If you do not get recognized or rewarded, will you feel resentful toward an event or toward a group due to that lack of kudos? As a man, if a woman feels slighted for you getting recognition over her, is that man able to listen to anger without being upset or becoming oppressive as a response?<br />
<br />
A huge challenge for leveraging privilege - if you are in a privileged class, the freedom, agency, health, safety, and well-being of other groups are not tied to you. As a man, I can always step away from the struggle to end violence against women and girls and it would not impact my privilege as a man. As a white person, I can do nothing to try and end racism and my life is not in any way changed if non-white people continue to be oppressed, subjugated, murdered, and scapegoated. I have to take my privilege personally, and I have to choose to leverage it outside of personal benefit because often the personal benefit is not there. If I make getting praised my benefit, then I struggle for my own desires, not for freedom, respect, and agency for others. <br />
<br />
<u>4) What are some ways to leverage privilege?</u><br />
I hear the question "what actions can I take?" and that question can sometimes be a genuine request to become more involved in addressing oppression, and is sometimes a defeatist question where the person believes they cannot do anything that will make any difference. Both reasons for asking that question can have the same results, and the same sorts of answers. It's not enough to do independent action, and often it's hard to measure impacts by doing so. The best starting point, as mentioned above, is to actively educate and reflect on a personal level.<br />
<br />
For most anti-oppression work, and for most efforts at leveraging privilege, there are many groups that work to end oppression - and a big part is simply joining groups and becoming willing to listen to their experience and wisdom. Go to an LGBTQ+ training. Attend an anti-racism event and ask about being more involved. Volunteer at a domestic violence program. Any of these actions is contributing to efforts. The key component, for those who represent an oppressor class the group is resisting, is humility <br />
<br />
An oft used tool in leveraging the privilege and power of middle and upper socioeconomic class involves donating money to charity. The challenge in this leveraging is that many donations are given with little thought to where funding might be more effective. Donating $200 to a large nonprofit might not do much in their overall efforts, but that same amount given to a local agency that struggles to maintain services might be significantly more useful. <a href="http://www.idealist.org/search/v2/?search_type=org" target="_blank">Researching the needs</a> in your local area and finding ways to <a href="https://learn.guidestar.org/give-to-charity/donor-resources/focusing-on-nonprofit-impact" target="_blank">give with impact</a>, or to volunteer time or efforts to support the work can make a big difference, and while all the challenges and warnings above still apply (particularly the "savior complex" of wanting recognition and reward), it is a simple and direct way to leverage. <br />
<br />
If you are white, then understand why an anti-racist group might be suspicious of a white person asking to join or assist. If you are heterosexual, it is possible that you might experience distance from the LGBTQ+ community when starting to join in efforts. It is possible that fears of being seen as a racist, or as a homophobe (or fears of others thinking you are not straight), lead to discomfort. Be okay with that discomfort, and notice where that is a process of leveraging privilege. Because leveraging privilege means resisting the power you have, and being okay with doing that at the same time you use it in respectful and healthy ways (being an accomplice).<br />
<br />
Speaking up to those who are in the same group as you are is an important part of leveraging privilege. Calling out attitudes, statements, or beliefs which are oppressive is often difficult but ultimately critical to making the invisible, visible. If you are not effective in calling out your peers, or if you receive anger from groups you are trying to help - don't focus on others as the problem, rather think about how you can be more effective in listening or intervening.<br />
<br />
When encountering resistance - it is not about others, it is about YOU. Think again about oppression theory and intersectionality. When people are oppressed, they resist. If you are being resisted, it might be due to a layer of oppression you might be relying on to try and get your points across. In doing so, you are likely enhancing the layer of oppression you represent, and making the oppression you are trying to work against worse.<br />
<br />
To make a direct comparison to BIP/DVIP work - when doing intervention with domestic violence offenders, facilitators of groups have direct power of their class (their position as facilitator, power over participants regarding potential termination and/or reporting to referral source, often educational or monetary advantages over participants, and race or ability may play a factor as well). Participants sometimes resist material in the classes, and if that comes up, facilitators need to reflect and consider ways the material presented may not have worked to intervene.<br />
<br />
Sometimes resistance comes from an oppressor being angry at getting called out for abusive, disrespectful, and hurtful behavior. Sometimes resistance comes from a participant feeling oppressed by the facilitators or the system. Sometimes it might be that the material is not effective because of how the facilitators present it. There are many factors that may be involved, but ultimately, it is up to the facilitators to consider their own complex interplay of privilege, position, and intersectionality as a part of the class and where that interplay fits.<br />
<br />
To summarize these leveraging tactics:<br />
<ul>
<li>Work to understand the history behind your privilege, and the impact of the power behind that privilege.</li>
<li>Work to practice cultural humility and learning; expand your experiences in understanding groups who are oppressed.</li>
<li>Work to notice how oppressed people's voices are ignored or silenced by people with power and privilege (including ways you might personally ignore or silence others).</li>
<li>Work to understand suspicion or wariness oppressed groups or individuals might be toward places of your personal privilege and power, and learn to both be okay with that suspicion and not be defensive as a response to it.</li>
<li>Know your motives behind doing anti-oppression work and question yourself - are you motivated primarily (or in a large part) to receive recognition or congratulations for your efforts? </li>
<li>Engage in community trainings, volunteer with groups, donate effectively, and research current services in your community before starting your own work.</li>
<li>Know who is in your own groups of power and privilege and use those connections to educate, intervene, and discuss with people who might ignore those who are oppressed.</li>
<li>Work to understand resistance both in terms of feedback about your efforts, and as a way to understand more how others experience you.</li>
<li>Make commitments to be active in ending oppression, and to constantly seek education and learning formally and informally.</li>
</ul>
<br />
Leveraging privilege is a process, and is constantly evolving if you are open to personal growth and the struggle with others to seek respect, health, equality, and justice for all. To conclude, here are some examples of people leveraging their privilege:<br />
<br />
<ul>
<li><a href="http://giantdeadbody.com/giant-dead-blog/my-classroom-is-a-sanctuary-city" target="_blank">Timothy Dempsey</a>, a high school history teacher who has co-facilitated BIP/DVIP groups in addition to teaching history, he writes about how teachers can leverage their privilege and power within their classrooms. </li>
<li><a href="http://everydayfeminism.com/2013/03/how-to-leverage-our-privilege-in-social-movements-to-create-lasting-social-change/" target="_blank">Sandra Kim and B. Cole</a> discuss leveraging privilege from an organizational standpoint, and the need for personal reflection as a part of leveraging.</li>
<li><a href="http://interactioninstitute.org/power-and-privilege-responsibility-and-leverage/" target="_blank">Cynthia Silva Parker</a> analyzes her layers of privilege and her responsibilities in leveraging the privileges she has in her life.</li>
<li><a href="https://masculinities101.com/2016/11/02/in-defense-of-masculinity/" target="_blank">Anthony J. Williams</a> talks about looking at his privileges by stating "<span style="font-weight: 400;">although my Blackness and my queerness
affect my treatment in a structurally racist, classist, heterosexist,
and ableist society, I’m still a man in a patriarchal society" - and then considers how he needs to use that privilege to work for rights of people who are transgender.</span></li>
<li><span style="font-weight: 400;"><a href="http://www.huffingtonpost.com/kevin-powell/black-men-and-our-health_b_74565.html" target="_blank">Kevin Powell</a> works to use his personal reflections, and leverage his platform and voice as a public speaker and educator to both do anti-oppression work and lead discussions on respect and health.</span></li>
<li><span style="font-weight: 400;"><a href="http://www.foodnotbombs.net/new_site/" target="_blank">Food Not Bombs</a> is an organization that I have seen consistently work on several levels of intersectionality as they fight for food as a right, and leverage their privilege as they do so - if nothing else in here moves you to action, consider volunteering and learning more from them.</span></li>
</ul>
Christopher Hallhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14736385436432859371noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1010965936320411303.post-19864242415703379632017-01-16T19:27:00.000-05:002020-01-25T12:45:34.473-05:00Is Domestic Violence a Bipartisan Issue?<div data-mce-style="text-align: justify;" style="text-align: justify;">
<i>By Christopher Hall</i></div>
<div data-mce-style="text-align: justify;" style="text-align: justify;">
I've
found comfort during several political seasons in remembering that as a
society, we tend to be against domestic violence. We've reached a point
in history where there are several different criminal charges that can
be brought up in DV situations. Most states have <a data-mce-href="https://www.biscmi.org/other_resources/state_standards.html" href="https://www.biscmi.org/other_resources/state_standards.html">guidelines and standards</a>
that create certain quality assurances for intervention programs. While
I have my own political views, I can be comforted -- win or lose --
that victims and perpetrators of domestic violence will be addressed,
and societal laws and politicians will work to support such efforts.</div>
<div data-mce-style="text-align: justify;" style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div data-mce-style="text-align: justify;" style="text-align: justify;">
Are there differing political positions regarding domestic violence?</div>
<div data-mce-style="text-align: justify;" style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div data-mce-style="text-align: justify;" style="text-align: justify;">
Let's consider the history of intervening in domestic violence. I have spent a <a data-mce-href="http://www.dvinterventioneducation.com/2016/10/we-dont-care-about-domestic-violence-pt2.html" href="http://www.dvinterventioneducation.com/2016/10/we-dont-care-about-domestic-violence-pt2.html">prior article</a>
discussing some of the challenges of how the United States of America
responded to the issue. The nation started on the concept of certain
"unalienable human rights" and noted life, liberty, and the pursuit of
happiness as the values we held to be "self-evident." At the time, being
"equal" meant something very specific: male, white, an adult of age,
and own land. "Equality" was only for some people, and there were
several justifications as to why these rights were not to be held by
all.</div>
<div data-mce-style="text-align: justify;" style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div data-mce-style="text-align: justify;" style="text-align: justify;">
Relationships
between men and women at that time, and for nearly 200 years after,
were rigidly defined. Adult White rich men were the ones with equality
so they were the ones to set the standards. Deviation from that
standard, and showing care and value for women and children was perhaps
looked favorably upon, <a data-mce-href="http://digitalcommons.law.yale.edu/cgi/viewcontent.cgi?article=2092&context=fss_papers" href="http://digitalcommons.law.yale.edu/cgi/viewcontent.cgi?article=2092&context=fss_papers">but wasn't a requirement</a>.
The main focus was on maintaining the ability to control women and
children—making them do things they did not want to do, and keeping them
from doing things they wanted to do.</div>
<div data-mce-style="text-align: justify;" style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div data-mce-style="text-align: justify;" style="text-align: justify;">
During
that period, one could argue that domestic violence was indeed a
bipartisan issue. Neither side of the political fence held a particular
interest in women's rights, or rights for anyone who did not meet the
standards of being deserving of "equality." Their focus was much
different at the time, working on creating independence and empire,
establishing a stable government (as 1777 to 1789 were particularly
precarious due to the <a data-mce-href="http://ushistoryscene.com/article/articles-of-confederation/" href="http://ushistoryscene.com/article/articles-of-confederation/">Articles of Confederation</a>), and <a data-mce-href="http://www.danielnpaul.com/NativeAmericansDemonized.html" href="http://www.danielnpaul.com/NativeAmericansDemonized.html">demonizing Native American peoples</a>.</div>
<div data-mce-style="text-align: justify;" style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div data-mce-style="text-align: justify;" style="text-align: justify;">
<a data-mce-href="http://www.historyofwomen.org/wifebeatingthumb.html" href="http://www.historyofwomen.org/wifebeatingthumb.html">English Common Law</a> established the "Rule of Thumb" allowing men the ability to apply "<a data-mce-href="https://www.jstor.org/stable/1106112?seq=1#page_scan_tab_contents" href="https://www.jstor.org/stable/1106112?seq=1#page_scan_tab_contents">moderate chastisement</a>"
of their wives with an implement no wider than their thumb. Much of
early laws in the United States did not directly address women's safety,
but instead enforced what men were and were not allowed to do to their
wives. It wasn't until <a data-mce-href="http://faculty.law.miami.edu/zfenton/documents/Fulghamv.State.pdf" href="http://faculty.law.miami.edu/zfenton/documents/Fulghamv.State.pdf">1871</a>
that there was any direct movement to prevent or reduce domestic
violence (outside of some work within the Puritan church in the 1600s, read <a href="https://www.press.uillinois.edu/books/catalog/87bwk5bk9780252029127.html" target="_blank">Elizabeth Pleck's work "Domestic Tyranny"</a> for details of how that system operated similarly to our criminal justice system today). During the post-Civil War Reconstruction, notions of slavery
and freedom became political hot topics.</div>
<div data-mce-style="text-align: justify;" style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div data-mce-style="text-align: justify;" style="text-align: justify;">
While analysis of the foundation of domestic violence law focuses on the "Rule of Thumb," it is important to consider the <a data-mce-href="http://www.aera.net/Events-Meetings/Annual-Meeting/Previous-Annual-Meetings/2013-Annual-Meeting/Responses-to-the-2013-Annual-Meeting-Theme/Demonizing-the-Undeserving-Poor/articleType/ArticleView/articleId/1184/He-was-not-mine-Demonizing-the-Undeserving-Poor" href="http://www.aera.net/Events-Meetings/Annual-Meeting/Previous-Annual-Meetings/2013-Annual-Meeting/Responses-to-the-2013-Annual-Meeting-Theme/Demonizing-the-Undeserving-Poor/articleType/ArticleView/articleId/1184/He-was-not-mine-Demonizing-the-Undeserving-Poor">politics of "English Poor Laws"</a>
from the 1500s. The distinction between the "deserving" and
"undeserving" is strong within that history, and as far as domestic
violence law and societal responses are concerned, women and children as
victims of harms were seen as not deserving of protection. Legal
responses -- and media reporting -- to this day find ways to <a data-mce-href="http://everydayvictimblaming.com/" href="http://everydayvictimblaming.com/">blame victims</a>
for their own experienced abuses, finding "loopholes" to justify the
harms, and making it easy to drop charges of domestic violence if a
victim refuses to testify (and in some cases, courts seeking to charge
victims if they do not testify <a data-mce-href="http://prosecutorsdiscretion.blogspot.com/2012/12/to-arrest-victim.html" href="http://prosecutorsdiscretion.blogspot.com/2012/12/to-arrest-victim.html">[1]</a> <a data-mce-href="http://www.huffingtonpost.com/entry/judge-jailed-domestic-violence-victim-for-failing-to-testify_us_5616d914e4b0dbb8000dc745" href="http://www.huffingtonpost.com/entry/judge-jailed-domestic-violence-victim-for-failing-to-testify_us_5616d914e4b0dbb8000dc745">[2]</a> <a data-mce-href="http://www.johnsoncitypress.com/Courts/2016/09/06/Prosecutors-defense-attorneys-differ-on-jailing-domestic-violence-victims-who-don-t-appear-in-court" href="http://www.johnsoncitypress.com/Courts/2016/09/06/Prosecutors-defense-attorneys-differ-on-jailing-domestic-violence-victims-who-don-t-appear-in-court">[3]</a>).</div>
<div data-mce-style="text-align: justify;" style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div data-mce-style="text-align: justify;" style="text-align: justify;">
In
efforts to weigh political support against domestic violence, analyzing
this history and these foundations are important in understanding <a data-mce-href="https://www.mentalhelp.net/blogs/liberal-morality-versus-conservative-morality-understanding-the-difference-can-help-you-avoid-arguments/" href="https://www.mentalhelp.net/blogs/liberal-morality-versus-conservative-morality-understanding-the-difference-can-help-you-avoid-arguments/">conservative and liberal viewpoints of fairness</a> and <a data-mce-href="http://www.theatlantic.com/politics/archive/2012/02/studies-conservatives-are-from-mars-liberals-are-from-venus/252416/" href="http://www.theatlantic.com/politics/archive/2012/02/studies-conservatives-are-from-mars-liberals-are-from-venus/252416/">societal responsibility</a>. Conservatives believe in tradition and hierarchy. Fear is a strong <a data-mce-href="https://www.scientificamerican.com/article/calling-truce-political-wars/" href="https://www.scientificamerican.com/article/calling-truce-political-wars/">motivating factor</a>,
along with purity of moral values (often religious), and individual
ability being more important for one's success in life. Liberals, on the
other hand, believe in societal progress and creation of egalitarian
systems. Equality and fairness are strong motivating factors, along with
purity of environment and body. Environmental surroundings contributing
to individual success are considered, and left-leaning people tend to
want power and wealth to be redistributed to create what is thought to
be a more just system.</div>
<div data-mce-style="text-align: justify;" style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div data-mce-style="text-align: justify;" style="text-align: justify;">
Taking
these differences in value systems and orientations to differences in
societal ethics and morals, each apply differently to domestic violence
responses. Conservative beliefs of traditional family roles, and support
of patriarchy can lead to responses that come from religious settings
(such as Christian churches) and aversion to public airing of
circumstances that might be seen as private. Intervention can be seen as
a "do what I say" educational approach using materials that lecture and
create comparisons to "good" vs "bad" behavior. Use of law enforcement
and punishment are important conservative responses that lead to changes
and reduction of domestic violence based on ideas of fear as a change
agent. Judgments of domestic violence offenders as having moral
failings, and the need to shame such individuals into ending their
hurtful behavior are also strong desires for right-leaning responses.</div>
<div data-mce-style="text-align: justify;" style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div data-mce-style="text-align: justify;" style="text-align: justify;">
Liberal
beliefs in societal progress, and in egalitarian systems, focus on the
ability of abusers to make changes through guidance and education, and
consider the challenges and grey areas of relationship issues and
domestic violence. A focus on self-care, and a look at an individual
abuser's environment can be important factors, and non-traditional
family systems are kept in mind as a part of where such environments
might be respectful and healthy or disrespectful and hurtful. While law
enforcement is still often a factor in liberal responses, it is looked
at as a way to push people into entering into
education/counseling/intervention. Domestic violence can be looked at as
an aspect of toxic masculinities, sexism, or other forms of oppressive
values and beliefs.</div>
<div data-mce-style="text-align: justify;" style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div data-mce-style="text-align: justify;" style="text-align: justify;">
Both
sides of the political fence, due to these ideas of ethics and morals,
will consistently argue and push for different sorts of interventions,
legal responses, and funding for programming. The first major federal
focus on addressing domestic violence was the Violence Against Women Act
(<a data-mce-href="https://www.congress.gov/bill/103rd-congress/senate-bill/11" href="https://www.congress.gov/bill/103rd-congress/senate-bill/11">VAWA</a>)
which was mostly focused on law enforcement responses and creation of
grants to fund hotlines and educational programs. As both conservative
and liberal perspectives value the involvement of law enforcement (for
much different reasons), the initial voting in 1993 was partially
bipartisan. Of the Senate, there were 67 sponsors of the bill with 50
Democrats, and 17 Republicans. In the House, of the 225 sponsors, there
were 185 Democrats (including Bernie Sanders as an independent), and 40
Republicans.</div>
<div data-mce-style="text-align: justify;" style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div data-mce-style="text-align: justify;" style="text-align: justify;">
This
bill was seen as a great success for the United States, and created a
global leading stance on addressing domestic and sexual violence. The
only major component of the initial bill that was challenged, and later
removed as unconstitutional, dealt with <a data-mce-href="https://www.legalmomentum.org/history-vawa" href="https://www.legalmomentum.org/history-vawa">civil rights of a victim/survivor</a>
to sue an abuser directly. While this limits civil lawsuits in cases of
domestic violence, VAWA created a more consolidated response to abuse
and violence in relationships across the nation.</div>
<div data-mce-style="text-align: justify;" style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div data-mce-style="text-align: justify;" style="text-align: justify;">
However,
VAWA was also a part of a greater bill, the Violent Crime Control and
Law Enforcement Act which created increased incarceration funding (while
eliminating inmate education programs), added funding for 100,000 new
law-enforcement officers around the country, and VAWA accounted for 16%
of the budget of the overall bill.</div>
<div data-mce-style="text-align: justify;" style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div data-mce-style="text-align: justify;" style="text-align: justify;">
In the name of bipartisanship, the greater bill included things that both sides wanted. On one hand, <a data-mce-href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Law_and_order_%28politics%29" href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Law_and_order_%28politics%29">law-and-order politics</a>
have been a great boon to conservatives since the 1960s. On the other
hand, quality-of-life concerns for the oppressed are a part of liberal
agenda, and VAWA became a way of addressing domestic and sexual violence
within the system in ways it had mostly been ignored before.</div>
<div data-mce-style="text-align: justify;" style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div data-mce-style="text-align: justify;" style="text-align: justify;">
Vice
President Joe Biden was the initial sponsor for VAWA, and has been
proud of that aspect of the bill even if he and other Democrats have <a data-mce-href="https://www.nytimes.com/2015/08/22/us/politics/joe-bidens-role-in-90s-crime-law-could-haunt-any-presidential-bid.html?_r=0" href="https://www.nytimes.com/2015/08/22/us/politics/joe-bidens-role-in-90s-crime-law-could-haunt-any-presidential-bid.html?_r=0">expressed reservations</a>
about where the bill has been directly associated with increased
incarceration, sentencing minimums (such as a federal "three strikes"
policy), and overstepping of police authority. Domestic violence
advocates have <a data-mce-href="http://nation.time.com/2013/02/27/whats-wrong-with-the-violence-against-women-act/" href="http://nation.time.com/2013/02/27/whats-wrong-with-the-violence-against-women-act/">questioned the wisdom</a>
behind much of the funding for law enforcement but little to no
resources provided for restorative justice, transitional housing, and
methods of creating prevention and treatment/counseling options. In the
rush to legitimize systematic responses to domestic violence, there has
been a question if we as a society went too heavily into punishment, and
not enough into opportunities for treatment, empowerment, and cultural
change.</div>
<div data-mce-style="text-align: justify;" style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div data-mce-style="text-align: justify;" style="text-align: justify;">
Politically,
we find ourselves in an interesting situation where conservatives have
had their desire for law and order (to assuage their fear of crime) met
by liberals enacting law to protect victims/survivors. Both sides come
down hard on abusers who commit acts that have historically been seen as
private affairs against people who are considered less important or
valid than their aggressors. Democrats felt a sense of success behind
validating the experiences of the downtrodden victims of violence, but
only upon reflection noticed the side effects of their compromises in
the name of law and order.</div>
<div data-mce-style="text-align: justify;" style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div data-mce-style="text-align: justify;" style="text-align: justify;">
Biden
noted his desire to create "holistic" reforms, and while initially
focused on easing penalties for drug offenses in the name of better
treatment options, added in the idea of addressing family violence as a
part of this. Unfortunately, the reforms have been far from holistic.
VAWA has evolved, somewhat, from its initial setup - adding in some
"second chance" clauses - but it has not addressed aspects of racial
disparity, issues of mandatory sentencing guidelines, has not included
victims/survivors in decisions about legal responses and penalties, and
has not provided funding options for prevention and education.</div>
<div data-mce-style="text-align: justify;" style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div data-mce-style="text-align: justify;" style="text-align: justify;">
Included
in the 2013 update were provisions to protect LGBTQ+ victims, and
ability for Native American Tribal Authorities to more directly respond
to non-tribal offenders on reservations. These provisions were hotly
debated by Republicans, and a bill that had once been mostly bipartisan,
fell much more along party lines.</div>
<div data-mce-style="text-align: justify;" style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div data-mce-style="text-align: justify;" style="text-align: justify;">
The
question of domestic violence as a political issue is that it is
inherently partisan. It is a issue about values and beliefs, not about
mental illness or addiction. The ethics and morals against domestic
violence are going to be held by both sides, but unfortunately the
values and beliefs about how to address it are vastly different.
Liberals take action to try and help those who are hurt, and try to
offer changes and education to those who are doing the hurting.
Conservatives take action to stop those doing the hurting, while
narrowly defining who is worthy of assistance and support out of <a data-mce-href="http://talkingpointsmemo.com/dc/conservative-advocates-violence-against-women-act-unfair-to-men" href="http://talkingpointsmemo.com/dc/conservative-advocates-violence-against-women-act-unfair-to-men">fear of being "unfair" toward men, and helping those who are undeserving</a> (this also serves to support the social hierarchy).</div>
<div data-mce-style="text-align: justify;" style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div data-mce-style="text-align: justify;" style="text-align: justify;">
For
those with right-leaning ideas, treatment and potential for change is
not as important as getting those offenders out of the picture, by both
shaming and claiming "batterers never change." Even if our reflection
and experience with treating offenders through shaming them demonstrates
<a data-mce-href="http://citeseerx.ist.psu.edu/viewdoc/download?doi=10.1.1.1014.6068&rep=rep1&type=pdf" href="http://citeseerx.ist.psu.edu/viewdoc/download?doi=10.1.1.1014.6068&rep=rep1&type=pdf">such responses are ineffective</a> and potentially inflict greater damages on individuals and communities, there has been a <a data-mce-href="https://www.prisonlegalnews.org/news/2015/feb/4/shame-public-shaming-sentences-rise/" href="https://www.prisonlegalnews.org/news/2015/feb/4/shame-public-shaming-sentences-rise/">rise in shame-based responses</a> to crime in general over recent years.</div>
<div data-mce-style="text-align: justify;" style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div data-mce-style="text-align: justify;" style="text-align: justify;">
President Barack Obama, taking a liberal approach to leading the nation, successfully <a data-mce-href="http://us-presidents.insidegov.com/q/2/9699/What-were-President-Barack-Obama-s-accomplishments" href="http://us-presidents.insidegov.com/q/2/9699/What-were-President-Barack-Obama-s-accomplishments">implemented changes</a> that worked toward equal treatment for the LGBTQ community, created the <a data-mce-href="https://www.whitehouse.gov/administration/eop/cwg" href="https://www.whitehouse.gov/administration/eop/cwg">White House Council on Women and Girls</a>,
and ushered in the Affordable Care Act to address health insurance
disparities for the poor. His policies and responses have supported
domestic violence work as it has been conducted with VAWA funding, and
added in additional protections for communities that had previously been
ignored and invisible to systematic responses.</div>
<div data-mce-style="text-align: justify;" style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div data-mce-style="text-align: justify;" style="text-align: justify;">
With an incoming president who has a <a data-mce-href="http://www.rollingstone.com/politics/features/the-violence-of-donald-trump-w444012" href="http://www.rollingstone.com/politics/features/the-violence-of-donald-trump-w444012">history</a>
of admitting to inappropriate sexual behavior with women, has engaged
in direct physical assaults of women, someone who has been directly
accused of domestic and sexual violence (albeit retracted), and denies
that "marital rape" is a thing - where will we tread in our responses to
domestic violence as our society moves forward? To project potential
answers, it's important to reflect on Donald Trump as a candidate that
is in many ways a personification of viewpoints politicians held in the
early years of the nation.</div>
<div data-mce-style="text-align: justify;" style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div data-mce-style="text-align: justify;" style="text-align: justify;">
Trump
is one of those White, wealthy, male landowners who can afford to
ignore the perspectives and experiences of groups that are often the
targets of hurtful, controlling, and abusive behavior. He would like to
keep his personal affairs private, and sees no conflict of interests in
having his family continue to run his global businesses while he makes
decisions that lead our nation. He is quick to mete out compliments to
those he believes are deserving, and viciously attack those who he
believes are undeserving. Trump believes in the hierarchy of his control
over everyone and everything. He uses fear to motivate others, and
believes he is solely responsible for his own success.</div>
<div data-mce-style="text-align: justify;" style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div data-mce-style="text-align: justify;" style="text-align: justify;">
Remember
that the core ethic and value against domestic violence is common to
both sides, but the ideas on to address it are not. We will certainly be
bipartisan in condemning violence and abuse in relationships, but
moving forward with a conservative-empowered government, our methods of
intervention will likely turn in a different direction. Under President
George W. Bush, there was a certain focus on <a data-mce-href="http://www.inquiriesjournal.com/articles/266/the-bush-presidency-undermining-the-separation-between-church-and-state" href="http://www.inquiriesjournal.com/articles/266/the-bush-presidency-undermining-the-separation-between-church-and-state">religious-based responses</a>
to family violence and other national policy issues. With Trump's take
on right-leaning politics, chances are we will begin to lean toward
punishment, shaming, and incarcerating offenders. In these responses, we
will be more apt to question the stories of victims/survivors, holding
those experiencing pain and fear to certain standards of "being
deserving" of assistance, and increasing funding for law enforcement
while reducing or eliminating funding for treatment options, education,
prevention, and resources for both victims and perpetrators.</div>
<div data-mce-style="text-align: justify;" style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div data-mce-style="text-align: justify;" style="text-align: justify;">
I
know there are people working to end domestic violence on both sides of
the political fence. Each side has had various things to contribute to
the cause, some that have been successful, some that have not. Domestic
violence is an inherently political issue, and those of you working in
intervention need to know where you stand, both politically, but also
within your values, ethics, and morals in doing this work and what you
are trying to accomplish when you say you are working to end domestic
violence and create a safer state of family.</div>
<br />Christopher Hallhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14736385436432859371noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1010965936320411303.post-15543444834462963742017-01-09T15:58:00.000-05:002017-01-09T15:58:48.070-05:00Stalking Behavior: Building Hurtful PatternsJanuary is <a href="http://stalkingawarenessmonth.org/splash.html" target="_blank">National Stalking Awareness Month</a>, and a time for highlighting a pattern of behavior that often gets portrayed in extremes with little detail on where it might originate, and how it builds over time. In general, when asking people to think about stalking, these extreme examples portrayed by entertainment media and focused on by news sources are the commonly discussed and explored aspects.<br />
<br />
Sadly, such a focus leaves little room or opportunity for intervention - it leaves us picking up the pieces and wondering what went wrong rather than actively seeking methods of noticing and stopping patterns of behavior as they build and develop. In this article, I'm going to be breaking down some different categories
of hurtful behavior and addressing ways irritating and alienating
behavior in relationships might build to stalking behavior. So I hope you take some time this month to use this to reflect on opportunities for intervention, both to honor the purpose of the awareness month, but also for your own ability to adequately and appropriately respond to danger signs.<br />
<br />
<u><b>Emotional Harms:</b></u><br />
Broadly defined, emotional harms entail patterns of behavior which create distress in others. This is a huge category of ways abusers might commit acts we commonly define as domestic violence, and as such, it is useful to be as specific as possible when considering emotional harms. I find in my BIP/DVIP groups, a part of the classes involve creating clarity for terms and concepts that are often poorly understood or identified. Emotions are some of the most common terms and concepts that people may feel instinctively, but can be unable to adequately express or discuss due to lack of concrete definitions.<br />
<br />
A big part of this confusion is due to the fact that as children, some of the first words we learn are emotions. Parents identify behavior patterns and name them as emotions, such as "Johnny, you're angry right now" or "aren't you happy your friend is visiting?" So we associate those sensations with words, rather than being able to break down why we feel them, or what to do about them.<br />
<br />
Stalking is a heavily emotional-based pattern of behavior. Abusers stalk their victims/partners/survivors due to justifications of jealousy, anger, desire for revenge, suspicion, or even projecting their own lack of fidelity onto others.<br />
<br />
I enjoy doing an exercise of attempting to define emotions using two criteria - do not use another emotional word within the definition, and do not use an example of the emotion itself. When people go to define emotions, that is the default method of describing what something feels like rather than identifying what it actually is.<br />
<br />
An example of this in action is considering the emotion of jealousy. When I define it, I talk about jealousy being an emotion that gives you signals that someone is doing something you would like to be a part of, and gives you energy to do something about it. When defined like this, it is simple to understand that jealousy is not a "negative" emotion, but the actions that come out of it might be.<br />
<br />
Abusers who choose to stalk their partners find various things they want to know about or be involved with in that person's life. Over time, this desire grows and an abuser may want to know all details and be present at all times. Emotionally, abusers can create distress in their partners/victims by increasingly pushing boundaries and denying personal space. It starts small, however, and often for many it can seem endearing.<br />
<br />
After all, "he wants to spend all his time with her! Isn't that sweet? I wish MY partner wanted to spend more time with me! Honey, you should just appreciate him for the attention he gives to you because it won't last forever!" This is an example of how we readily place our sense of safety onto someone who may not have safety in their life or relationship. It is also an example of how common these warning signs present themselves to family, friends, coworkers, and others - and how often they are ignored or pushed away because considering the danger, or the unhealthy display of control is frightening to others who want to believe the patterns fit into healthy pro-social patterns.<br />
<br />
While it is not practical to associate all desires to be together in a relationship as a warning sign for stalking, considering an overall pattern, and listening/noticing discomfort or distress in the person who is the object of these "affections" is critical to prevention and providing support and opportunities for reflection - both for victims/survivors, but also for perpetrators who may be clueless for how their patterns violate boundaries and are problematic due to their justifications and thinking they are just attempting to be loving.<br />
<br />
<u><b>Spiritual Harms:</b></u><br />
It behooves BIP/DVIP to discuss spirituality and culture directly during groups. That is, what provides value and meaning to each participant's life, how do they understand their cultural background and conflicts in culture between them and their partners, and how any religious beliefs fit into both areas in their relationship with themselves and others.<br />
<br />
Stalking behavior is in part based in a foundation where the stalker values a sense of omnipresence and omnipotence - seeing/hearing all, and knowing all. This can overlap in values and beliefs on several levels. Men who believe in patriarchy and control of women by men can easily have a value in questioning and finding information and desperately seeking discrepancies to justify those behavior. And part of the charm behind initial buildup of stalking is that victims/survivors often feel a sense of protection and care by the behavior (abusers may think they do it in their partner's "best interests"). The abuser might try to limit contact with friends and family, but says the only reason given is due to the expense of the visits, or that they should spend more time together, or that certain family are mean or abusive or have bad history. All of these justifications sound, on surface level, like caring gestures - but under that surface is the potential to build patterns of isolation, monitoring, and stalking.<br />
<br />
This pattern may build up through the use of technology and social media, scouring of mail and records, seemingly innocent questions to friends and family. Asking a partner to use Foursquare/Swarm/Facebook to check-in wherever they go might be a simple way of playing a game together, or might be a way of knowing where a partner is, and questioning when a check-in does not occur. Going through mail and internally keeping track of various correspondence until there is an inconsistency or material that is not mentioned might be an organizational method, or might be a way of pressuring someone to divulge random information that appears unimportant. Inquiring about a partner's childhood or prior relationships with friends and family could be small talk, or could be information to use later.<br />
<br />
Some of these examples appear on surface level to be a more "simple" form of control, and not stalking, but that is in part what makes these methods so effective. Stalking is often not obvious at its start, or as it builds, but only makes sense in hindsight. This is a major challenge of intervention, is being open to the idea that side comments and random patterns might be a small piece of a bigger, dangerous attack against a partner's agency. The goal of stalking in these cases is more about creating dependence and removing a partner's ability to think or make decisions. These values and meaning behind the control suffuse a person's life until their values become their abuser's values. Their beliefs mirror their stalker's beliefs because disagreeing is not allowed.<br />
<br />
This form of stalking is often not addressed, or is addressed in indirect ways because it can be so hard to put a finger on. As mentioned at the start of this section, including extensive reflection on culture, beliefs, values, and meaning in life can help ferret out patterns and discover patterns that are otherwise easily obscured.<br />
<br />
<u><b>Sexual harms:</b></u><br />
BIP/DVIP can easily skirt around discussions of sex outside of rape or other forms of assault. Talking about sexual health and respect can be awkward for facilitators and participants if they are uncomfortable with the topic, or do not fully understand how pervasive human sexuality is as a part of relationships.<br />
<br />
The layers of harm in sexual behavior are also often missed. How frequently have BIP/DVIP groups discussed "selfish sex," non-sexual flirting with others, how they talk about their sexual desires or dislikes in their relationships, or discontent with frequency and how to communicate this?<br />
<br />
Stalking behavior pushes boundaries. Stalking behavior seeks domination, omnipotence, and omnipresence - and sexual behavior can provide illusions or reality for those things. Extreme behavior that is often mentioned with stalking involve things such as the stalker smelling/investigating a partner's panties or genitals as a method of determining sexual behavior outside of the relationship. This is, of course, a humiliating and horrible experience for victims/survivors, but that extreme does not start at that level.<br />
<br />
A stalker who suspects a partner of cheating may do these investigations without that partner knowing. That stalker may ask probing questions about contact with friends, or even discuss his/her own sexual past in attempts to gain info from their partner. If the information does not come up during that discussion - that is fodder for tactical attacks about personal vulnerability and the partner not reciprocating. If the information does come up from the stalker's partner, that sexual past can be used to compare, judge, and save for later control.<br />
<br />
Even if a victim/survivor is cheating, how does the abuser/stalker handle this information? Some stalkers are actually seemingly happier with this information, because it is an instant trump card to be used during arguments, and justify any controlling behavior from that point forward. When abusers discuss their partner cheating on them, and their desire to continue their relationship despite this, interventionists need to ask probing questions about reasons for this decision as well as gain more details about their relationship's sexual history.<br />
<br />
Sadly, with the proliferation of men's rights groups and their large overlap with the "art of seduction" hawkers, there are several techniques taught in these groups to have sex with women. Often these lend themselves to stalking behavior. The concept of "negging" is one which undermines someone's confidence in theory that they will be easier to seduce. Talking to / flirting with another woman who is friends with the "target" in attempts to create interest. That level of manipulation sounds a lot like the interviewing friends and family technique above, doesn't it? Consider how these tactics fit into an overall strategy to remove agency and create dependence.<br />
<br />
<u><b>Manipulative Use of Children:</b></u><br />
Children can be excellent tools for parents to use against each other. Even in the healthiest of relationships, there are going to be arguments about parental decisions and care, but in relationships that are respectful, there will be negotiations, compromises, listening and caring during discussions, and consideration of personal desire vs. what the needs/wants are of the children will all be a part of managing parenting styles and decisions.<br />
<br />
For an abuser who is out of the familial home, it can be a simple thing to drop by uninvited to "check on the kids," or to drop off things for them. When doing so, adding in comments about new purchases, suspicions of guests the abuser does not approve of, asking probing questions to the children to monitor behavior, or outright sabotaging the household to try and force a situation where the family needs to be reunited (such as leaving water running or turning up heat to make a higher utility bill, refusing to contribute to finances if not living at home, questioning any contributions and where the money is going when they are made).<br />
<br />
In BIP/DVIP, these behavior are often separated out from stalking behavior and labeled as "using children" - however, as a pattern these sorts of manipulations feed into methods of gaining that sense of omnipotence and omnipresence. It is no small thing that abusers often fight for full custody during a separation or divorce - having the children is a huge source of control that can be exploited in many ways. It also makes sense why victims/survivors often make clauses in protective orders that allow for visits with children. There is a lot of guilt put forward both by abusers, and by society, for blocking contact with a parent.<br />
<br />
Even if an abuser is required to stay away from his/her partner, if there is a clause allowing contact/visitations with children, there are ways to casually ask questions to children to gain information that can make it seem like a stalker is using technological tracking devices. "Does mommy/daddy have any new friends?" "What do you do after school?" "Is there anything new going on around the house?" "Where do you go grocery shopping now?" In these examples, an abuser might learn potential new dating partners, patterns of activity and places a victim/survivor might go after picking up the children from school, different activities that may lead to more intimate knowledge of changes in routine, and even specific locations the children and the other parent go to.<br />
<br />
Child visitation centers have workers who are trained to notice these and other questions asked by a visiting parent mainly due to these manipulations. These traps are smooth and work well because they sound so casual, like small talk, and make it seem caring and interested. And since children can often feel saddened by parental separation, they may choose the abusive parent and want to divulge information that they believe will bring their parents back together.<br />
<br />
<u><b>Financial Harms:</b></u><br />
Money and finances are an ongoing stressor for most relationships. Negotiation regarding budgeting, individual spending vs. family/couple spending, ideas about "needed" purchases, and financial mistakes are all contributors to this stress. Finances can also be a concrete and "safer" method of stalking a partner/victim.<br />
<br />
If a couple shares finances, there are several methods people use to pay bills and separate out responsibilities. Some relationships create a shared pool and pay everything from that pool. Some create a pool based on the percentage earning of each individual, and have independent spending money separate from the pool. Some relationships have one person who pays bills and monitors budgeting. The most focused on economic strategy used by stalkers is the final example, however all the others also can be places where a stalker can build a pattern of monitoring and domination.<br />
<br />
Stalking is separate from economic equality. A couple can seem economically partnered and seem independent while behind the scenes, an abuser can make sidelong comments about spending to make a victim/partner question themselves. A stalker can make a majority of the money and assure a partner that he/she doesn't need to worry about finances and then create various checks and balances on that partner's spending. Someone who chooses to be abusive can even buy gifts that seem nice, but have controls connected to them (of course that might include technology with installed tracking and spyware, but it could even be expensive gifts that once accepted are a leveraging point from then on).<br />
<br />
Marriage proposals and pregnancy/reproductive coercion can also fit into economic controls. Does the person being abusive choose to make these proposals of having children or entering into marriage when things seem to be falling apart? Does the partner/victim have the option to decline or to wait when considering the request? Is there pressure to make decisions quickly in other aspects of their relationship?<br />
<br />
Stalkers commonly press for immediate answers, and hesitation is grounds for suspicion and justifies patterns of monitoring, following, and tracking. Another pattern that is subtle and potentially non-abusive is long term planning for a relationship. The hidden factor may be if the individual's partner has been informed of this plan, had input into this plan, and has had concerns addressed/incorporated into this plan.<br />
<br />
There is a fantasy and comfort for stalkers in a world completely planned out, and with technology granting illusions of divinity (virtual omipotence and omipresence) it is a simple thing for any abuser to develop these methods of dominating their partner. The challenge for interventionists is to find the profound in the subtle, the danger in the seemingly innocent, and the intentional in behavior that seems coincidental. It's not just about finding inconsistencies, however, it has a lot to do about caring enough to get to know each abuser as an individual, complicated human being and in doing so begin to put the pieces together of the puzzle of their pattern of hurtful, controlling, abusive, and violent behavior.<br />
<br />
<u><b>Resources:</b></u><br />
<ul>
<li><a href="http://victimsofcrime.org/help-for-crime-victims/get-help-bulletins-for-crime-victims/bulletins-for-teens/stalking" target="_blank">Victims of Crime: Stalking Information for teens</a></li>
<li><u><b> </b></u><a href="http://victimsofcrime.org/our-programs/stalking-resource-center" target="_blank">Stalking Resource Center</a></li>
<li><a href="https://www.rainn.org/articles/stalking" target="_blank">RAINN</a></li>
<li><a href="https://www.cdc.gov/violenceprevention/pdf/nisvs_factsheet_lbg-a.pdf" target="_blank">CDC Intimate Partner Violence Survey</a></li>
<li><a href="http://www.hrc.org/resources/sexual-assault-and-the-lgbt-community" target="_blank">Human Rights Campaign: Sexual Assault and the LGBTQ Community</a></li>
<li><a href="http://vpva.rutgers.edu/stalking/" target="_blank">Rutgers Office for Violence Prevention and Victim Assistance</a></li>
</ul>
Christopher Hallhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14736385436432859371noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1010965936320411303.post-45048661835644370802016-12-29T16:37:00.001-05:002016-12-29T21:43:31.824-05:00The Emerge Model - An OverviewWhen I started working at a domestic violence agency on Long Island (<a href="http://www.theretreatinc.org/" target="_blank">The Retreat</a>), one of the first pieces of community feedback I heard from my executive director was from another batterer intervention program in the area who had heard that I had revamped my program to begin using the Emerge Model. He warned my ED that he had never heard of the "Emerge Model" and attempted to attack my work at the agency and undermine our program.<br />
<br />
This is not an uncommon response, sadly. While <a href="http://www.emergedv.com/" target="_blank">Emerge</a> is the first agency in the world to start batterer intervention, the history of the work and the variety of models available for use is not a commonly understood part of domestic violence intervention. Most agencies in the United States use what is known as a "<a href="http://www.theduluthmodel.org/pdf/CounteringConfusion.pdf" target="_blank">Duluth-like</a>" model. The Domestic Abuse Intervention Program (commonly known as the <a href="http://www.theduluthmodel.org/" target="_blank">Duluth Model</a>) is most commonly known due to the proliferation of the "<a href="http://www.theduluthmodel.org/training/wheels.html" target="_blank">Power and Control Wheels</a>." For many individuals and agencies, it is the only model that is known.<br />
<br />
It is unfortunate that there is not more discussed and known about the many models that are a part of this history (such as <a href="http://menstoppingviolence.org/" target="_blank">Men Stopping Violence</a>, <a href="http://paulkivel.com/books/mens-work-facilitator-guide/" target="_blank">Oakland Men's Project</a>, <a href="http://mavcenter.org/" target="_blank">ManAlive</a>, <a href="http://www.amendcounseling.com/" target="_blank">AMEND</a>, <a href="https://www.facebook.com/RAVEN-Non-Violence-Education-46459107824/" target="_blank">RAVEN</a>) and since I worked at Emerge for nearly eight years, I was exposed to and interacted with people doing this work all over the world - many of whom were using different ways of intervening with domestic violence offenders.<br />
<br />
In 2002, David Adams and Susan Cayouette (Co-Directors of Emerge) wrote an <a href="http://ocadvsa.org/wp-content/uploads/2014/04/A-Group-Education-Model-for-Abusers.pdf" target="_blank">article outlining the approaches</a> Emerge takes as a part of its model of intervention. As I began working there in 2002, I was able to see the evolution in action, and grew to appreciate how Emerge has constantly pushed their work forward.<br />
<br />
I have always experienced Emerge as an "organic" model of intervention. The techniques used by facilitators adapt based on individuals in the classes, the group dynamics as they shift, and make considerations on how co-facilitator teams work together. There is no stronger example for this than how Emerge approaches intakes for new participants.<br />
<br />
Most agencies I have experienced have conducted intakes by using individual interviews of new class members. These interviews ask about background, use collateral information (such as police reports or child protective service plans) as a part of understanding the individual, do simple psychological testing (such as the <a href="https://www.google.com/url?sa=t&rct=j&q=&esrc=s&source=web&cd=3&cad=rja&uact=8&ved=0ahUKEwiE5IHwhJrRAhVE1CYKHYN0CucQFggrMAI&url=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.uspreventiveservicestaskforce.org%2FHome%2FGetFileByID%2F228&usg=AFQjCNEuCYu-fLmN4ALS5RoFGEUL2Xj0Tw&sig2=qZzhzghndfB2lwDT8ZrpZw" target="_blank">MAST/DAST</a> or an adapted <a href="https://www.dangerassessment.org/DATools.aspx" target="_blank">Lethality/Risk Assessment</a>). These appointments tend to last from 60-90 minutes, and for some agencies these also serve as the full assessment or "evaluation" for a referral source.<br />
<br />
Practices like this may be helpful in mental health or substance abuse settings, where individual treatment plans are created, and insurance may be billed (requiring diagnosing of the client), but this is neither the purpose of BIP/DVIP, nor is it likely that such layered belief systems behind a choice to hurt self and family is going to be revealed in a first time meeting.<br />
<br />
Instead, Emerge takes a group educational approach to intakes. Initial paperwork orientation collects basic info on each participant (which they tend to fill out on their own, with an orientation worker reading through the answers and asking follow up questions as needed), and has the Danger Assessment scale intermixed with questions about background and history. Initial Emerge paperwork also includes a "Violent and Controlling Behavior Checklist," a simple check-off the box and circle the items instrument that is a simple identification and reflection on personal choices and behavior (prospective Emerge facilitators must also fill this form out to demonstrate awareness of their own hurtful patterns).<br />
<br />
The real work of the intake is the eight class "First Stage" wherein eight educational lessons are discussed in a group setting. The lessons are designed to be interactive, and engage participants to consider where they fit without pushing them to admit to specific behavior. Lessons include the following:<br />
<br />
<ol>
<li>What Counts as Violence</li>
<li>Self-Talk</li>
<li>What Counts as Abuse</li>
<li>Quick-Fixes vs. Long-Term Solutions</li>
<li>Effects of Domestic Violence on Children</li>
<li>Disrespectful Communication</li>
<li>Respectful Communication</li>
<li>Effects of Domestic Violence on Women</li>
</ol>
Each lesson provides a background on the impact of harms, identification of a build-up of hurtful behavior, individualizing and understanding the context of harms, and discussing alternative behavior that might lead to repairs and amends. Throughout these eight sessions, individuals are also tasked with discussing their day-to-day interactions with their partner and children, conflict and challenges, identifying their thoughts behind behavior, and humanizing their family members by naming them (this is referred to as a "Short Check-In"). This works to integrate each individual into the classes and humanize them and their behavior.<br />
<br />
At the end of Stage One, an individual is required to complete a "Long Check-In" where they must identify their most recent hurtful behavior, and their "worst" hurtful behavior, as well as the history of their relationships, in brief. This activity helps to build Emerge's "Assessment Report" wherein each individual receives a written report that details the quality and content of their participation, how they describe their hurtful behavior, concerns about the individual's patterns, and recommendations.<br />
<br />
The advantage of this approach is that it can create more buy-in to the discussions and allow for reflection over time that may influence a report of harm. I think of it this way - when I meet someone for the first time, I am highly unlikely to tell them about my worst and most embarrassing secrets. Yet in BIP/DVIP, not only is this sometimes expected during a first interview, but is expected each week that someone directly name the reason they are in the classes. This is a shame-based approach that may lead to compliance, but may not lead to work toward changing thinking and behavior.<br />
<br />
Emerge's "Second Stage" is more dynamic, and consists of the remaining 32 class sessions (Massachusetts' state requirement by the <a href="http://www.mass.gov/eohhs/gov/departments/dph/programs/community-health/dvip/violence/batter-intervention/" target="_blank">Department of Public Health</a> mandates all BIP/DVIP to be 40-sessions long). During this time, individuals are tasked with joining in discussions, giving feedback to each other, continuing to disclose the challenges and patterns in their ongoing lives, and to eventually complete an individual activity. The "Relationship History" is the most commonly used exercise where an individual (typically completed somewhere between sessions 25-35) outlines 14 patterns in their relationships. This can be a way for the individual to discover things they had not previously considered, a method of having others in the class see where their patterns may be similar, and can be a great place of practicing respectful and healthy feedback.<br />
<br />
Each participant also completes a "Goals" activity in one of their final sessions where their activity is reviewed and they are given an opportunity to outline 5-6 goals for improving their life and relationships while the group separately comes up with 5-6 ideas on goals that might be good for that individual. It is a shared experience that again can expose shared patterns but also is work toward accountability for the future.<br />
<br />
Throughout the 40-sessions, Emerge also attempts to conduct "<a href="http://www.emergedv.com/manuals.html" target="_blank">partner/victim contacts</a>" where an advocate initially interviews an abuser's partner or ex-partner by asking for their experiences, then group facilitators check in directly with the partner/ex-partner halfway through the program, and at the end of the participant's time in the classes. All of these contacts involve providing referrals to resources as well as informing about the process of the class sessions and how they work.<br />
<br />
One of the distinguishing characteristics of Emerge is that it has a much different approach to the Duluth Model in discussing hurtful behavior. Emerge does not use "Power and Control Wheels" in favor of considering the continuum of harm - how irritating and alienating behavior shift into controlling behavior, which can then shift into abuse or violence. Instead of categorizing harm by type, Emerge takes the approach that any behavior can be hurtful, and the harm is based on the context of the relationship, the history of the partnership, and individual factors that may be involved.<br />
<br />
Another major difference focuses on Duluth's primary component: their <a href="http://www.theduluthmodel.org/about/index.html" target="_blank">Community Coordinated Response</a>. This works well within the Duluth city and region, as their population is approximately 250,000 residents and systems can effectively be coordinated to work together and follow similar protocols. Emerge is in Cambridge, MA where the catchment area includes approximately 4.5 million people. With over a dozen probation offices, and about as many individual child protective service offices, it is impossible to create protocols that everyone follows consistently. Emerge follows more of what I think of as a "inside-out" approach, where their reports to referral sources show the values of respect and health, of accountability and responsibility. Facilitators talk to these referral sources on an ongoing basis, answering questions and expressing concerns to hold abusers accountable.<br />
<br />
Emerge is a model which engages domestic violence offenders through discussion, like almost all models. There is mindfulness within the agency and model to apply Motivational Interviewing techniques (understanding how to roll with resistance, humanizing interventions, working to understand hurtful behavior patterns that are individualized to the abuser), and their "inside-out" approach provides the ability to interact with community on several levels without coordinating an entire region. Educational activities are designed to be grounded in the complications of relationship issues, while differentiating "normal" human behavior from abuse and violence. Individual activities address unique patterns of harm that may fit for each participant, but have overlap with others.<br />
<br />
The agency has also been a national leader in LGBTQ+ interventions in domestic violence, and has both a lesbian and gay men's group. They have been consistent in creating community and cultural specific groups to address varying language and cultural barriers to ending domestic violence. The Emerge model has the advantage of being flexible in how it addresses individual patterns of behavior, as well as considering where unique cultural challenges might need to be addressed in more specific groups. Emerge has a process for developing such groups, and this process involves direct consultation with the communities in question, as well as assessing support and counseling for victims/survivors within the community well before providing services for abusers. <br />
<br />
Challenges with the model include the need for facilitators to be conscious of time and agenda setting weeks in advance so that each participant has time to do all the activities in the Second Stage, the need for facilitators to be flexible in discussing topics beyond standard lesson plans, and the need to allow time for weekly check-ins without allowing them to dominate the entire class time. There tend to be more thoughtful and detailed report writing involved as a part of the model as well, which can lead to necessary work outside of classes themselves.<br />
<br />
David and Susan recently wrote an end of year newsletter <a href="https://www.paypal.com/webapps/shoppingcart?xclick_params=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&flowlogging_id=ede4790f1aca3&mfid=1483045521412_3bf7341a40909#/checkout/openButton" target="_blank">requesting your support</a>, providing an outline of their work in 2016, and discussing some of their referral sources. Another excellent way to support them is to consider attending one of their trainings, purchasing materials, or contacting them for more information. Emerge can be reached at 617-547-9879 or at <a href="mailto:info@emergedv.com" target="_blank">info@emergedv.com.</a><br />
<br />
Again, in the interest of full disclosure, since I worked at Emerge from 2002-2009, I have a certain buy-in to their model and their methods (I am fond of their administrative practices as well). However, I have also worked to learn more about other models of intervention and try to incorporate other approaches in my own work when I see their value. I hope you join me in making this work a constantly evolving process, both for the individuals in our groups, but also for ourselves as facilitators. In the future, I will try to offer my experience and insights into other models of intervention. <a href="mailto:dvinterventioneducation@gmail.com" target="_blank">Send me an email</a> if you have any questions or would like to see other topics discussed here. <br />
<br />
<br />Christopher Hallhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14736385436432859371noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1010965936320411303.post-83656982240582056552016-12-13T15:07:00.001-05:002016-12-13T15:07:44.372-05:00Discussing Holidays in BIP/DVIP Group SessionsThe last quarter of every year is filled with cultural, familial, and individual stressors that impact and increase hurtful patterns of behavior. Everything from children returning to school, Halloween activities, Thanksgiving, Jewish High Holy Days, Christian celebrations of Christmas, and several Muslim holidays can build expectations behind how others follow traditions, create challenging conflicts between family members, and contain mixtures of nostalgia, memories of pain or trauma, and feelings of connection or disconnect.<br />
<br />
Every year, batterer intervention / domestic violence intervention (BIP/DVIP) groups struggle with how to discuss holidays and maintain a focus on accountability/responsibility. There seem to be few options, and so many agencies and facilitators choose to ignore the topic altogether, or perform a basic check-in that is more about plans and less about looking at patterns of harm and/or personal trauma.<br />
<br />
One option could be to watch a video. During the holidays, the only video I have seen that was helpful was <a href="http://www.worldcat.org/title/deck-the-halls/oclc/14975565" target="_blank">"Deck the Halls"</a> which is nearly impossible to get a copy of (there are only a few copies available at select libraries in the USA).<br />
<br />
With that video, when I was at Emerge we would watch it in each group during the month of December. It was short (~20 minutes) and could facilitate discussions about the holidays in a way that was relatively authentic. The clothing and hairstyles were heavily outdated, but the father's decision to treat his family like second class citizens while seeking a promotion are timeless. When the son, in a rage against his father's behavior toward his mother trips and breaks his guitar Christmas present, he laments with a "Merry Christmas" that is both disheartening, and an opportunity to reflect on troubled holiday experiences both as children and adults.<br />
<br />
However, are those the only options? Ignore holidays, superficially address them, or watch a video? At times, I think it feels that way, and with the minimal support BIP/DVIP facilitators receive, it's one small component of a greater problem.<br />
<br />
If we are limiting our options in how we provide interventions, it makes it harder to provide services that engage men who are abusive in ways that guide respectful and healthy change. If facilitators are thinking in December what they are going to do to discuss holidays, it may be a bit late to plan something thought provoking. If facilitators don't talk among themselves (or get ongoing supervision), then how can the status quo of groups be challenged?<br />
<br />
There is also potential to focus on the holidays because of <a href="http://www.huffingtonpost.com/entry/domestic-violence-holidays_us_58406b43e4b017f37fe35634" target="_blank">beliefs that domestic and sexual violence increase during those times of the year</a>. Over the years, I have heard many people working in the domestic and sexual violence field spout various statistics that can end up either being unfounded, composed of urban legends, or lacking any specific citations or information on the research being quoted (such as the <a href="http://www.huffingtonpost.com/george-weiner/the-super-bowl-domestic-v_b_6564360.html" target="_blank">Superbowl Myth</a>). I've seen this so often I have tried to avoid quoting statistics in my BIP/DVIP groups unless I can reference the research they come from.<br />
<br />
The challenges are that entitlement is year-round, disconnect builds over time, and while holidays can be a place of growing expectations and controlling behavior - any reason during any other time of the year can justify hurtful behavior toward a partner, a child, a family, or oneself. Vacations, work stress, health issues, school, conflict with friends or extended family, addiction issues, avoidance, self-centeredness - all these things and more are present regardless of holiday season.<br />
<br />
I fully encourage discussions about holidays, to talk about traditions and stress during such times of the year. But on an ongoing basis not connected only to November and December. Connect to the present day lives of the participants in your group. Ask about challenging conversations, arguments, harms to self and others, conflicts outside of the family. Show care toward the members of the class by investing in their lives beyond a focus on their abuse, harm, and control. Develop caring, respectful, benefit-of-the-doubt approaches to conflict and connection with others.<br />
<br />
Use such discussions of tradition not only to pinpoint failures, but to expand on successes - to think about times holidays bring families closer and why. To discuss materialism that can flood our culture and how that disconnects us from our relationships with each other. You don't need videos for that. You don't need an educational exercise for that. You need to have an ongoing value in guiding reflection, care, and respect.<br />
<br />
<br />Christopher Hallhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14736385436432859371noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1010965936320411303.post-81112693909574407192016-11-28T15:00:00.000-05:002016-12-01T10:34:37.519-05:00Reflecting Forward at BISC-MI Conference Summary (Day Three)<span style="font-size: xx-small;"><i>(Most links within this article connect to the <a href="https://www.facebook.com/groups/DVEducationIntervention/" target="_blank">Facebook Domestic Violence Intervention and Education group</a>,
where I detailed most of the conference. I apologize in advance for the
length of this article, the details and information are extensive so I
tried to do them justice in brief, which for the content of a blog entry
are not brief at all. I hope those who attended can use this to reflect
on the presentations you witnessed, and maybe expand your learning
beyond the conference itself. Those who did not attend - I hope you can
see the content of a BISCMI conference and join us next time!)</i></span><br />
<br />
Day three of the "Reflecting Forward" Batterer Intervention Services Coalition of Michigan conference began with <a href="http://nnedv.org/about/staff/32-rr.html" target="_blank">Rene Rennick</a> of the <a href="https://www.facebook.com/groups/DVEducationIntervention/permalink/10155400374602067/" target="_blank">National Network to End Domestic Violence (NNEDV)</a> discussing some of the history of batterer intervention work. A huge challenge involves the early start to the work which had several groups attempting to create programs of intervention for domestic violence offenders that lacked any connection with an analysis of power/control, entitlement, or feminist analysis. For programs providing counseling, support, and advocacy for victims and survivors of domestic violence, the stories they heard from their clients, and their interaction with these programs (who often took an anger management, mental health, or addiction model approach) led to beliefs that batterer intervention was not effective at all.<br />
<br />
This history is important to note, as it has not left us today. There are still many states where guidelines and quality assurance is minimal for BIP/DVIP work, and many communities have advocates and victim/survivor counselors and programs who continue to believe work with abusers is ineffective, or can lead to enabling abusive behavior. While the Violence Against Women Act provided funding for domestic violence services (and a large chunk to law enforcement), funding for BIP/DVIP has not been included in most grants or monetary sources partially due to this history. Research has often followed BIP/DVIP who are not following national models adequately, which also hampers the ability to work past these perceptions.<br />
<br />
I would add in that while some state guidelines require supervision time for BIP/DVIP facilitators, many do not - and this is a major problem in this work. Those states with requirements for programs often include as a part of those requirements some form of monitoring by personnel who visit sites and look for compliance to guidelines, offer feedback and required updates, and provide sanctions or closure to programs that do not meet these requirements. This is, however, an expensive process that requires paid staff. Many states have standards that are only followed on a voluntary basis, further muddying the waters of perceived effectiveness for BIP/DVIP.<br />
<br />
<a href="https://www.facebook.com/groups/DVEducationIntervention/permalink/10155400529242067/" target="_blank">Ed Gondolf</a> is often described as the preeminent BIP/DVIP researcher, and his focus on this year's conference was to highlight some of the overarching problems with research on domestic violence intervention, and to also speak to interviews he conducted with prominent practitioners around the country. To start, he wanted to clarify much of the confusion about calls to create "Evidence Based Practices (EBP)" within BIP/DVIP. He informed the audience that EBP is founded on a biomedical service delivery system (initial use of EBP was for physicians in healthcare settings to create standards and quality of care approaches that had the highest degree of success). The challenge with this outlook is that health has a "sick" and a "healed" continuum where an illness is addressed through various methods, and there is a definitive "end point" to treatment and care. However, within social service delivery systems, it is not so cut and dry, nor is it any one thing that is "fixed" in an individual abuser. Our systems (such as courts, legislators, and even community members) when focusing on EBP are usually doing so at the expense of alternative research (such as outcomes not tied to recidivism, or more difficult to analyze qualitative analysis), and tend to ignore the practice based wisdom of facilitators, program leaders, and administrators who work within BIP/DVIP settings. <br />
<br />
In this pursuit of looking at practitioner wisdom, Gonfolf compiled the answers from his interviews of facilitators and program leaders and discovered the complexities of philosophy and presentation of BIP/DVIP class educational material and session structures that have not been captured by research. Some of the varying approaches included supportive confrontation, broader sharing and disclosure, curriculum that focused on drawing out discussion, and focusing on respectful and healthy changes. Commonly identified changes that practitioners discussed included increases in validating, empathizing, and providing supportive confrontation that has been designed to engage abusers respectfully and guide changed behavior. There have also been more concrete and real connections with victim/survivor services, and more emphasis on facilitator self-awareness, reflection, and analysis.<br />
<br />
When he asked practitioners for their recommendations for future/further research, they asked for more direct observations of groups, to be more aware of outcomes beyond simple rearrest, a need for more national meetings to share information and work together, more ongoing discussion among BIP/DVIP professionals, more resources and funding, and a need to develop younger staff through mentorship and training. There was also noted a need for funding and emphasis on prevention, building alliances, and practitioners being more willing to widely express their knowledge, engage with communities, discuss domestic violence more broadly, and to be more definitive about what BIP/DVIP is as a service.<br />
<br />
The next panel presentation was from the "AQUILA Truth Squad," consisting of Bob Agnoli, Jeffrie Cape, Chris Huffine, Eric Mankowski, Scott Miller, Lisa Nitsch, Pam Wiseman, and myself. Each of us discussed various ways that practitioners can interact with resources from <a href="https://www.biscmi.org/aquila/" target="_blank">AQUILA</a> that include articles on comparing anger management to BIP/DVIP, resources and responses to judges, <a href="https://www.biscmi.org/aquila/positive-effects-of-bips/" target="_blank">research and articles on positive impact of BIP/DVIP</a>, and several other items of interest. During my small section, I again focused on the opportunities we have to see the internet as a community that needs to be coordinated to end domestic violence - and in the future I will be putting together a more user-friendly discussion board that will hopefully improve our ability to do that (which will be announced here, as well as via the AQUILA listserv).<br />
<br />
<a href="https://www.facebook.com/groups/DVEducationIntervention/permalink/10155401131362067/" target="_blank">Eric Mankowski</a> talked about his research on batterer intervention standards throughout the United States. He started by polling the audience on how we saw advantages within having standards or guidelines for programs, and responses included opportunities for grant writing; can assist courts in understanding
process of change for abusers and buy in for using BIP/DVIP; standards
can create a quality control that otherwise might not be present. Disadvantages voiced included if standards have very specific required
programming, it could negate or ignore culturally specific
interventions; challenges with memorandum of understanding documents
that are paperwork without any real connections; training requirements
for facilitators and programs can be expensive and difficult to
implement; problems with limited or absent quality control and
evaluations/observations of programs. <br />
<br />
Mankowski discussed that recent content analysis of standards included commonalities of
treatment philosophies, length of programs, kinds of assessments,
contact with victims/survivors, confidentiality, facilitator training.
The function of standards were to create best practices to ensure
victim/survivor safety, create consistency, provide accountability for
community coordinated responses. In theory, creating standards can
eliminate programs which are dangerous or increase quality of those who
do interventions that are problematic. Some research has
suggested and cautioned that requiring a specific intervention might
limit the ability for programs to adapt and add on information and
practices that could assist in evolving their work. Other cautions look
at limited research on BIP/DVIP and where that fits into setting
standards. There is limited/no data on effectiveness of standards, which highlights some of the research issues on BIP/DVIP work noted by Gondolf. One purpose of standards can be creating directories of BIP/DVIP
(there is a <a href="https://m.facebook.com/groups/115053904769" target="_blank">Facebook group</a> I manage that has links to programs in most
states, and <a href="https://www.biscmi.org/resources/other-states-standards/" target="_blank">BISC-MI has a list of state standards</a>), and Mankowski has been working on a website that collects information on
state standards around the nation and results of his study (I will post
here with the link when it is ready).<br />
<br />
<br />
To follow up, <a href="https://www.facebook.com/groups/DVEducationIntervention/permalink/10155401268902067/" target="_blank">Chris Huffine</a> described the blended model he has worked on for Allies in Change (AIC) over the past 20+ years. He describes AIC as a gendered analysis model, using examples from <a href="http://paulkivel.com/" target="_blank">Paul Kivel's</a> work to consider how men are socialized to choose violence in relationships and beyond. Huffine includes discussion beyond a power/control analysis by considering disconnects that abusers have to partner, family, self, and others as well as how abusers will distrust intimate relationships and build up an overall disregard for others. To guide change, AIC works on creating connections to self awareness, building regard for others, practicing humility, and using the concept of the "platinum rule" - treating your partner the way that THEY want to be treated, assuming your partner is an ally, and working to give benefit of the doubt. The group format is open ended, with discussions generated by group members and directed to points of abuse/control, accountability, assertiveness, beliefs, cognitive awareness, self-care, or self-compassion.<br />
<br />
<br />
To end the conference, <a href="https://www.facebook.com/groups/DVEducationIntervention/permalink/10155401438642067/" target="_blank">Melissa Jeltsen</a> discussed her work on highlighting the overlaps between mass shooters and domestic violence as a part of her journalistic work at Huffington Post. She discovered that most mass murderers have had a history of domestic violence as a part of their patterns leading up to mass shootings, yet in the details and articles on these murders only 7% of stories listed resources for victims/survivors of domestic violence. She highlighted the need for more direct consideration of patterns of domestic violence rather than the red herring of mass shootings being random tragedies that are impossible to prevent, or are due to mental health issues.<br />
<br />
Thank you for spending time reading the summaries of the presentations at BISC-MI 2016. I hope you are able to join at the next conference. Please feel free to visit the <a href="https://www.facebook.com/groups/DVEducationIntervention/" target="_blank">DVIE group on Facebook</a> or visit the <a href="https://twitter.com/DVIntervention" target="_blank">DVIntervention Twitter</a> feed for links and more information. <a href="https://www.biscmi.org/reflecting-forward-conference-materials/" target="_blank">For links to conference materials, including presentations, click here. </a>Christopher Hallhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14736385436432859371noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1010965936320411303.post-4633368755334686352016-11-14T16:02:00.000-05:002016-11-14T16:02:11.194-05:00Reflecting Forward at BISC-MI 2016 Conference (Day Two)<span style="font-size: xx-small;"><i>(Most links within this article connect to the <a href="https://www.facebook.com/groups/DVEducationIntervention/" target="_blank">Facebook Domestic Violence Intervention and Education group</a>,
where I detailed most of the conference. I apologize in advance for the
length of this article, the details and information are extensive so I
tried to do them justice in brief, which for the content of a blog entry
are not brief at all. I hope those who attended can use this to reflect
on the presentations you witnessed, and maybe expand your learning
beyond the conference itself. Those who did not attend - I hope you can
see the content of a BISCMI conference and join us next time!)</i></span><br />
<br />
Day
Two of the BISC-MI conference started with direct grounding in the
work, and board member and homemade cookie maker extraordinaire, Jeffrie
Cape stated, "we need to remember, the purpose of domestic violence
intervention work
is to create safety, respect, and health for victims/survivors of
domestic violence." This needs to be stressed regularly, and can be an
important measure of a program in how much they have a foundation in
this idea of victim/survivor safety.<br />
<br />
Lori (last name
omitted for safety and privacy reasons - important to be aware of with
victims/survivors) shared her experience of living with her abuser, and
the various ways he worked to isolate her - and many of the reasons she
did not identify his behavior as domestic violence. The time she went
through pain and fear - and the reason why she justified her suffering
as being unimportant, are messages we need to be intimately aware of.
Not just for the partners and ex-partners of the abusers we work with,
but for understanding the justifications of abusers themselves.<br />
<br />
In
my direct work with abusers, I am thankful for the ongoing interactions
I have with victims and survivors through the Facebook DVIE group.
Listening to stories, providing referrals, or often just having the
ability to listen provides me with a depth of understanding that
enhances the interventions I work on with perpetrators. I would like to
challenge all of you reading who do BIP/DVIP work to consider your own
exposure to these stories, and how you make them real in your practice.<br />
<br />
A
big part of "reflecting forward" is in reviewing systems that have been
in place that overall we need to be more informed about. <a href="https://www.facebook.com/groups/DVEducationIntervention/permalink/10155397170522067/" target="_blank">Scott Miller</a>
works extensive to train people on how to use the "Duluth Model," and
in doing so is constantly needing to separate out the BIP/DVIP group
process part of the model, and bring forward that overall their approach
is about engaging with and changing community perceptions and messaging
about domestic violence. This "Community Coordinated Response" is key
to any interventions using the Duluth Model, yet very few groups and
individuals using their model fully implement this critical component.<br />
<br />
<a href="http://praxisinternational.org/blueprint-home/" target="_blank">Praxis International</a>, an agency that works closely with Domestic Abuse Intervention Program (DAIP, the "Duluth Model") has worked for some time to <a href="http://www.theduluthmodel.org/pdf/CounteringConfusion.pdf" target="_blank">counter claims against its work</a>,
and to try and raise understanding about both their groups, their
community work, and the plethora of "Duluth-like" BIP/DVIP groups who
use Power and Control wheels, but do not accurately follow their model.
Scott discussed in his presentation that BIP/DVIP should be designed to
hold abusers accountable - not just in groups, but within community, by
community members including law enforcement, but also connected systems
that might be influential in guiding an abuser toward respect and health
(examples may be businesses, schools, places of worship, etc).<br />
<br />
Scott
also brought forward that research on BIP/DVIP sometimes states that
the Duluth Model does not work, and base that conclusion on studying
BIP/DVIP groups who say they use Duluth, but may only do the group
sessions for abusers, and these research studies almost never go
directly to the source to research DAIP.<br />
<br />
<a href="http://www.cehd.umn.edu/ssw/people/profiles/WilliamsO.html" target="_blank">Oliver Williams</a>
spoke to looking to engaging communities as an essential part of
effectively addressing domestic violence. Unfortunately, I stepped out
of the conference to prepare a bit more for the AQUILA "Truth Squad"
portion and missed his discussion. However, I have seen Oliver present
on similar topics in the past, and can say that he spends time
addressing the need to understand communities if you want to work with
them. This is a lesson that we need to consider on broader levels in
community coordinated responses, and how we can move away from imposing
changes and instead work with and listen to communities to understand
their challenges, as well as their successes and the work they may have
been doing to work toward respectful and healthy relationships. If
anyone who attended the conference who has notes from Oliver's
presentation, and would be willing to share them, please do so in the
comments of this post.<br />
<br />
<br /><a href="https://www.facebook.com/groups/DVEducationIntervention/permalink/10155397500357067/" target="_blank">Lisa Nitsch</a>
furthered the conversation about working in community, particularly her
experience of being a white woman working in a predominantly Black
community. She started with a <a href="https://www.biscmi.org/wp-content/uploads/2016/08/Lisa-Nitsch-Presentation.pdf" target="_blank">historical perspective of Baltimore</a>
and addressed ways the city has been oppressive to People of Color
overall, and methods used to divide communities - and specifically how
those tactics and historical political decisions have led to Baltimore
being the most segregated city in the United States. Lisa made a point
to highlight the work of <a href="http://socialdifference.columbia.edu/files/socialdiff/projects/Article__Mapping_the_Margins_by_Kimblere_Crenshaw.pdf" target="_blank">Kimberle Crenshaw</a>
to address the intersectionality of oppressions faced by Black women,
and where "white feminism" has created invisibility for Women of Color
in the differences they experience with domestic and sexual violence
within our society. This point is important in exploring her work within
Baltimore, as her status as a white woman needed to be considered in
how she worked within her community.<br />
<br />
Lisa used several
examples of the need to consider intersectionality of oppressions in
work to end domestic violence, and to do community coordination. Some
important points for BIP/DVIP work include considerations of your
facilitators matching the demographic breakdown of the community, having
a curriculum that speaks to those differences if they exist, the need
to cross-train staff on self-care issues that may overlap with hurtful,
controlling, abusive, and violent behavior (such as looking at
employment issues, connections that abusers have within community, etc),
how feedback from group members is incorporated into the program, and
making sure that administrators with power and privilege are not making
decisions about programming and community engagement without the
involvement of the community itself.<br />
<br />
Next <a href="https://www.facebook.com/groups/DVEducationIntervention/permalink/10155397900762067/" target="_blank">Ricardo Carrillo</a>
brought forward perspectives from his work with the Mexican Latino
community, and described some of the unique challenges to addressing
domestic violence. He described how many men he has worked with have
grown up as children in environments which equated love with pain, a
sense of moral correction to match values that stressed male dominance,
and a concept of a spirit/soul wound that can create imbalance,
internalized oppression, and ongoing harm in relationships. He brought
forward how such childhood experiences may lead to difficulties for men
in creating healthy attachments, and leading to dismissing behavior in
relationships (as a part of being anxious from modeling behavior
witnessed in childhood) or a preoccupied, ambivalent attachment in adult
relationships (partially based on conflicting emotions from experiences
in childhood).<br />
<br />
As a result of these experiences, and
in a need to address the hurtful connections men he has worked with have
developed in their lives and relationships, Ricardo discussed the need
to discuss and develop healthy connections in these men's lives. To
discuss childhood experiences as a part of exploring internal coping
strategies that can build to abusive and violent behavior in
relationships. He also spoke to making cultural connections to health
and respect that can be found throughout Mexican and Latino culture, and
the use of parables, stories, legends, and history to create repairs
and internal reflection.<br />
<br />
<a href="https://www.facebook.com/groups/DVEducationIntervention/permalink/10155398014717067/" target="_blank">Hoda Amine</a> presented on the Muslim community responses to domestic violence, and referenced the <a href="http://www.muslim.org/islam/int-is7.htm" target="_blank">Muslim Code of Behavior</a>
that puts forward community rules that overlap with respectful and
healthy behavior discussions that often are a focus of BIP/DVIP groups
overall. Some examples of this code include truthfulness, sincerity,
unselfishness, humility, patience, forgiveness, purity and cleanliness,
honesty, goodness and kindness to others, courage, consideration and
respect for others, moderation, and cheerfulness. These values and
behavior guidelines can be critical for all discussions during group
sessions, but can also be a way to discuss specific movement toward
ending domestic violence with Muslim men.<br />
<br />
<a href="https://www.facebook.com/groups/DVEducationIntervention/permalink/10155398130287067/" target="_blank">TA Bashir</a>
followed up by reviewing history of the Islamic faith, and the
challenges that came from moving a people toward new patterns of worship
and community value. Many patterns of behavior by men toward women
stayed with older traditions that were oppressive and destructive, and
these traditions are still coming out today hundreds of years after the
formation of the religion. TA talked about creating connections to a <a href="http://womenshistory.about.com/od/feminism/a/womanist.htm" target="_blank">womanist</a>
tradition, and guiding men to be more aware of the history behind their
faith, and the challenges in working toward health and respect.<br />
<br />
In looking at how faith can inform and transform change in men who are abusive, <a href="https://www.facebook.com/groups/DVEducationIntervention/permalink/10155398311437067/" target="_blank">Chris Moles</a>
engaged the audience in methods of analyzing belief systems without
judgment. He states that, "we do what we do because we want what we
want," then further described, "we want what we want because we think
what we think." This distillation of motive and reason behind abusive
and controlling behavior allows for critical viewing of selfishness and a
lack of value for family and self. He describes himself as a
complementarian, but in a fashion which sees the natural balance and
equality of men and women, and how relationships involve working
together. Christianity and church services, he explained, have often
become gatherings of performance art and socializing with little room
for growth of respectful and healthy belief systems - and engaging
abusers in their beliefs behind their faith, and their values behind
their relationships can be excellent angles for interventions.<br />
<br />
Staff from <a href="https://www.facebook.com/groups/DVEducationIntervention/permalink/10155398491572067/" target="_blank">Emerge </a>(Susan
Cayouette, Ted German, and Erika Robinson) finished the day by
detailing their work with Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Trangender, and Queer
domestic violence offenders, as well as their work with heterosexual
female perpetrators and anger management clients. This work has helped
in better informing their work with heterosexual male domestic violence
offenders as they have struggled to consider differences in power
dynamics, levels and overlaps of entitlement, and has grown knowledge of
the need to analyze reactive violence within male heterosexual
abusers.<br />
<br />
In the next post, I will be finishing up my
summarization of the BISC-MI conference by detailing the third day.
Again, feel free to visit the <a href="https://www.facebook.com/groups/DVEducationIntervention/" target="_blank">DVIE group on Facebook</a> or visit the <a href="https://twitter.com/DVIntervention" target="_blank">DVIntervention Twitter</a> feed for links and more information. <a href="https://www.biscmi.org/reflecting-forward-conference-materials/" target="_blank">For links to conference materials, including presentations, click here. </a>Christopher Hallhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14736385436432859371noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1010965936320411303.post-69920541111792614012016-11-08T12:38:00.000-05:002016-11-14T16:10:33.365-05:00Reflecting Forward at BISC-MI 2016 Conference (Day One)<span style="font-size: xx-small;"><i>(Most links within this article connect to the <a href="https://www.facebook.com/groups/DVEducationIntervention/" target="_blank">Facebook Domestic Violence Intervention and Education group</a>, where I detailed most of the conference. I apologize in advance for the length of this article, the details and information are extensive so I tried to do them justice in brief, which for the content of a blog entry are not brief at all. I hope those who attended can use this to reflect on the presentations you witnessed, and maybe expand your learning beyond the conference itself. Those who did not attend - I hope you can see the content of a BISCMI conference and join us next time!)</i></span><br />
<br />
Since 1994, the <a href="http://www.biscmi.org/" target="_blank">Batterer Intervention Services Coalition</a> has been steadfast in bringing service providers from around the state of Michigan to discuss trends, challenges, and updates to work with domestic violence offenders. Initially, they had a plan to be one of fifty-one chapters throughout the United States with goals of organizing work within the field. While there have been several attempts since 1994 to make that vision a reality, currently BISC-MI is the only organization that brings together not only providers within Michigan, but people from throughout the nation and the world who are interested in improving interventions for abusers.<br />
<br />
The 2016 conference marks BISC-MI's 21st conference, and the theme of "Reflecting Forward" created an organized approach to considering the history of domestic violence work, and using that history to build toward the future. One tactic involved removing breakout workshops, instead using a themed plenary approach to the structure. This move may have galvanized attendee's focus, but I am sure was a disappointment to those who found particular topics not in their interests. At the same time, it offered a challenge to all to be engaged even in those areas of discussion that do not hold personal interest - but may be important to reflect on, or expand on, for yourself or those we work with.<br />
<br />
The first day began with a presentation by <a href="https://www.facebook.com/groups/DVEducationIntervention/10155393694667067" target="_blank">Jackson Katz</a>, an author, researcher, and presenter on objectification issues in media, using a masculinitites lens to consider sexism and other oppressions involved in our cultural makeup. He has a style that is unique to him, and much of the information covered would be groundbreaking for those new to work to end domestic violence. He spoke of the need for a paradigm shift on talking about gender violence - namely putting the emphasis on perpetrators, or those responsible (giving the example we speak of teen pregnancy and focus on girls, but do not talk about boys impregnating girls). Also a concept that domestic violence is a "women's issue" and instead shifting thinking to it being very much a "men's issue."<br />
<br />
More interesting to me in his talk was his addressing various cohorts of men in the movement, quoting work by <a href="http://www.somemen.org/michael-messner/" target="_blank">Michael Messner on "Some Men."</a> I would have liked Dr. Katz to spend more time speaking to media, as he often does, rather than detailing other's work - but overall his presentation created a foundation for the rest of the day. <br />
<br />
There was a flow from Dr. Katz talking about the big picture, to me bringing forward the large gap in services that is very common in domestic violence work - technology use. I provided information on the <a href="https://www.facebook.com/groups/DVEducationIntervention/10155394289102067" target="_blank">history of social media use</a>, and how domestic violence agencies need to think of the internet as a community that needs to be coordinated. Social services has historically struggled with technology use, and when analyzing Twitter discussions of domestic violence and related issues, almost all content is focused on victims/survivors, and when abusers are a focus, it is mainly to decry the impact they have on families, and villainize their behavior. This creates great opportunity for programs to communicate the value in guiding abusers toward respect and health, as well as to humanize work in domestic violence overall.<br />
<br />
I always encourage people to contact me for any assistance or questions about setting up or using social media to address domestic violence intervention, and I believe that as we move forward we need to be more conscious of both having a presence online to offer referrals and information to victims/survivors, and to consider how we engage abusers in entering into programs.<br />
<br />
<a href="https://www.facebook.com/groups/DVEducationIntervention/10155394274782067" target="_blank">The National Network to End Domestic Violence</a> sent Rachel Gibson to speak to how abusers use technology to stalk, harass, and abuse their partners and families. NNEDV has been a pioneer in creating apps, videos, and tutorials on understanding security issues surrounding social media and technolgy, and Rachel did an excellent job giving an overview of several ways to be more aware of the risks. <br />
<br />
An example she brought forward included the EXIF (<span class="_Tgc _y9e">exchangeable image file format) geolocation data that is stored on photos taken with cellular phones. If a user does not know how to turn off this feature, any picture posted to the internet has data that indicates location coordinates. However, she also cautioned that some of the more common ways abusers might stalk would be to simply ask (or manipulate) children for locations. Sometimes it seems that someone is using technology, when in actuality, it is something much more simple - and it is important for safety reasons to understand both potential leaks of information.</span><br />
<span class="_Tgc _y9e"><br /></span>
<span class="_Tgc _y9e">Bryan Victor, a PhD student from Wayne State University in Detroit, went into further detail on sexting and dating violence - expanding on some of the information presented by Rachel previously. The phenomenon of digital cameras installed on cellular phones has over the past 10+ years created opportunity for teens and youth to pressure for nude photos. While often these photographs are most often acquired through consent (albeit with manipulation and coercion involved), they can easily be shared to others, over social media, or to pornographic sites which can harm someone in several ways. </span><br />
<span class="_Tgc _y9e"><br /></span>
<span class="_Tgc _y9e">Often referred to as "revenge porn" where a perpetrator is intentionally sharing intimate images and/or videos with pornographic sites, there are efforts to instead re-frame the topic as "non-consensual image sharing" to better capture the broader scope of the use of someone's image in ways they do not want. This is a challenging topic on several levels, but with peer pressure and establishment of image and reputation being so valuable for teens, one site that can assist in discussing the topic with youth comes from the "<a href="https://thatsnotcool.com/" target="_blank">That's Not Cool</a>" dating violence intervention site. </span><br />
<span class="_Tgc _y9e"><br /></span>
<span class="_Tgc _y9e">Shifting the discussion from technology (both its opportunities and its potential dangers), <a href="https://www.facebook.com/groups/DVEducationIntervention/10155394521752067" target="_blank">Debby Tucker</a> opened the conference to talking about trauma informed considerations for interventions, particularly <a href="http://www.ncdsv.org/ncd_militaryresponse.html" target="_blank">within the military community</a>. She discussed much of the history behind work to end domestic violence as a whole, and I personally enjoyed her bringing forward that we need to stop using Lenore Walker's "Cycle of Violence" model. There have been efforts to educate the domestic violence community about how this educational tool is outdated, oversimplified, and problematic for several reasons - but in many ways Walker's work helped to move the military to understand and respond to victims/survivors in real ways. </span><br />
<span class="_Tgc _y9e"><br /></span>
<span class="_Tgc _y9e">This is an important aspect I would like to spend a moment highlighting. I believe that we need to be aware of the fact that interventions in domestic violence are in their infancy. If you consider that most work began in the 1970s, and that legal/social responses did not become more prevalent until the mid-1990s, we have actively been working from frameworks that need to be analyzed and updated in order to move forward and evolve our work to increase safety and comfort for the victims and survivors we want to assist. These foundations have had important roles in our history, but we need to have the strength, courage, and fortitude to question ourselves and listen to those we serve (both victims/survivors and abusers).</span><br />
<span class="_Tgc _y9e"><br /></span>
<span class="_Tgc _y9e">Debby brought forward some differentiation between resistive, situational, pathological, antisocial, and battering violence - which could be a topic for an entire article all on its own, and is important to consider for all perpetrators of domestic violence. She highlighted some of the challenges within military responses to these varying kinds of violence and stressed the need to work to understand both the context and the intent behind violent behavior. This highlight is critical to working with military referrals who experience post traumatic brain disorder (PTSD) or traumatic brain injury (TBI).</span><br />
<span class="_Tgc _y9e"><br /></span>
<span class="_Tgc _y9e"><a href="https://www.facebook.com/groups/DVEducationIntervention/10155394905072067" target="_blank">Chris Huffine</a> furthered the discussion of trauma informed care with abusers, and one of the first thing he worked to clarify is that trauma informed care is NOT trauma specific services. Working with domestic violence offenders is not therapy or a sort of counseling where a therapist is specifically working through trauma a patient experiences - domestic violence intervention (batterer intervention) when it is trauma informed, understands that abusers may have experiences which were traumatic for them, and by understanding that using that experience to generate both empathy for their partners, family, and themselves as well as understand the importance of self-care in being healthy and respectful. </span><br />
<span class="_Tgc _y9e"><br /></span>
<span class="_Tgc _y9e">The part of Chris' presentation I was most appreciative of was his inclusion of the concept of cultural humility - the concept that it is most important to understand your own culture as deeply as possible, and from that work to not make assumptions about other's cultural experiences and backgrounds. If we worked more diligently to be introspective and reflective of our own experiences as interventionists, counselors, and educators - we may have more ability to be motivational and guide abusers to respectful and healthy alternatives. This standpoint emphasizes being WITH others rather than trying to understand them. In the case of trauma informed care - that approach is necessary if you are going to work to move people to end abusive, controlling, and violent behavior. Not to be with them in a collusive manner - but to be with them enough to understand methods of guidance and support that will work as a part of that change process.</span><br />
<span class="_Tgc _y9e"><br /></span>
<span class="_Tgc _y9e"><a href="https://www.facebook.com/groups/DVEducationIntervention/10155394978287067" target="_blank">Oliver Williams</a> finished the day by again stressing the value of trauma informed care. He named some specific ways abusers might be drawn in to traumatic experiences as children, including violence among family or friends, bullying, neighborhood or community violence, and gang related violence. Oliver brought forward that some of the impacts of trauma might be a development of inappropriate or hurtful coping mechanisms which may grow into violence, abuse, control, and harm toward others and toward self. He discussed one man's story by showing a video and challenging BIP/DVIP work to expand out understanding in ways to offer guidance toward healthy self-care, counseling, and separate work from BIP/DVIP that may be necessary for victims of trauma.</span><br />
<span class="_Tgc _y9e"><br /></span>
<span class="_Tgc _y9e">Later that evening, we had an <a href="https://www.biscmi.org/aquila/" target="_blank">AQUILA</a> meeting, an organizing branch of BISC-MI that involves planning and outreach. Much of the meeting was spent explaining the purpose and goals of AQUILA, which involve a combination of trying to get more people to understand the purpose and philosophy of domestic violence intervention (batterer intervention), and to combat some of the push back that has been occurring over the past several years by various research organizations to discredit the historical and current work to end domestic violence. In part, some of the major challenge with AQUILA has been in communication and ongoing motivation and connection. As I am personally a part of the steering committee and outreach subcommittee, I can understand some of the scheduling and problems in navigating my own busyness and the need to be involved in the process.</span><br />
<span class="_Tgc _y9e"><br /></span>
<span class="_Tgc _y9e">However, we have some possible solutions. We have begun to recognize that a listserv model of discussion has been cumbersome, at best, and that there is a need to develop systems of interaction that are not necessarily tied to a specific meeting time (either in person or by phone). With that in mind, I will be working on developing a discussion forum which can both be a hub for the overall organization of AQUILA committees, but also a place for discussions to take place in various categories. Currently, I administer the <a href="https://www.facebook.com/groups/DVEducationIntervention" target="_blank">Facebook group</a> which has several discussions and links to content and resources (an extensive file section) which in part has and will continue to serve as a parallel support to this work. I hope you consider joining us as we move forward.</span><br />
<span class="_Tgc _y9e"><br /></span>
<span class="_Tgc _y9e"><span style="font-size: xx-small;"><b><i>(<a href="https://www.biscmi.org/reflecting-forward-conference-materials/" target="_blank">For links to conference materials, please click this link</a>. Next article continues this discussion by highlighting more of the BISC-MI 2016 conference on day two.)</i></b></span></span>Christopher Hallhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14736385436432859371noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1010965936320411303.post-73055194873540510382016-10-27T12:37:00.000-04:002020-08-31T12:01:18.400-04:00We Don't Care About Domestic Violence - Part Two<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
<o:OfficeDocumentSettings>
<o:AllowPNG/>
</o:OfficeDocumentSettings>
</xml><![endif]--><br />
<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
<w:WordDocument>
<w:View>Normal</w:View>
<w:Zoom>0</w:Zoom>
<w:TrackMoves/>
<w:TrackFormatting/>
<w:PunctuationKerning/>
<w:ValidateAgainstSchemas/>
<w:SaveIfXMLInvalid>false</w:SaveIfXMLInvalid>
<w:IgnoreMixedContent>false</w:IgnoreMixedContent>
<w:AlwaysShowPlaceholderText>false</w:AlwaysShowPlaceholderText>
<w:DoNotPromoteQF/>
<w:LidThemeOther>EN-US</w:LidThemeOther>
<w:LidThemeAsian>X-NONE</w:LidThemeAsian>
<w:LidThemeComplexScript>X-NONE</w:LidThemeComplexScript>
<w:Compatibility>
<w:BreakWrappedTables/>
<w:SnapToGridInCell/>
<w:WrapTextWithPunct/>
<w:UseAsianBreakRules/>
<w:DontGrowAutofit/>
<w:SplitPgBreakAndParaMark/>
<w:EnableOpenTypeKerning/>
<w:DontFlipMirrorIndents/>
<w:OverrideTableStyleHps/>
</w:Compatibility>
<m:mathPr>
<m:mathFont m:val="Cambria Math"/>
<m:brkBin m:val="before"/>
<m:brkBinSub m:val="--"/>
<m:smallFrac m:val="off"/>
<m:dispDef/>
<m:lMargin m:val="0"/>
<m:rMargin m:val="0"/>
<m:defJc m:val="centerGroup"/>
<m:wrapIndent m:val="1440"/>
<m:intLim m:val="subSup"/>
<m:naryLim m:val="undOvr"/>
</m:mathPr></w:WordDocument>
</xml><![endif]--><!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
<w:LatentStyles DefLockedState="false" DefUnhideWhenUsed="false"
DefSemiHidden="false" DefQFormat="false" DefPriority="99"
LatentStyleCount="371">
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="0" QFormat="true" Name="Normal"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" QFormat="true" Name="heading 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" SemiHidden="true"
UnhideWhenUsed="true" QFormat="true" Name="heading 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" SemiHidden="true"
UnhideWhenUsed="true" QFormat="true" Name="heading 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" SemiHidden="true"
UnhideWhenUsed="true" QFormat="true" Name="heading 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" SemiHidden="true"
UnhideWhenUsed="true" QFormat="true" Name="heading 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" SemiHidden="true"
UnhideWhenUsed="true" QFormat="true" Name="heading 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" SemiHidden="true"
UnhideWhenUsed="true" QFormat="true" Name="heading 7"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" SemiHidden="true"
UnhideWhenUsed="true" QFormat="true" Name="heading 8"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" SemiHidden="true"
UnhideWhenUsed="true" QFormat="true" Name="heading 9"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="index 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="index 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="index 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="index 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="index 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="index 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="index 7"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="index 8"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="index 9"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" SemiHidden="true"
UnhideWhenUsed="true" Name="toc 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" SemiHidden="true"
UnhideWhenUsed="true" Name="toc 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" SemiHidden="true"
UnhideWhenUsed="true" Name="toc 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" SemiHidden="true"
UnhideWhenUsed="true" Name="toc 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" SemiHidden="true"
UnhideWhenUsed="true" Name="toc 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" SemiHidden="true"
UnhideWhenUsed="true" Name="toc 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" SemiHidden="true"
UnhideWhenUsed="true" Name="toc 7"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" SemiHidden="true"
UnhideWhenUsed="true" Name="toc 8"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" SemiHidden="true"
UnhideWhenUsed="true" Name="toc 9"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Normal Indent"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="footnote text"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="annotation text"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="header"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="footer"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="index heading"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="35" SemiHidden="true"
UnhideWhenUsed="true" QFormat="true" Name="caption"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="table of figures"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="envelope address"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="envelope return"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="footnote reference"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="annotation reference"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="line number"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="page number"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="endnote reference"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="endnote text"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="table of authorities"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="macro"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="toa heading"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List Bullet"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List Number"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List Bullet 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List Bullet 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List Bullet 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List Bullet 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List Number 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List Number 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List Number 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List Number 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="10" QFormat="true" Name="Title"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Closing"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Signature"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="1" SemiHidden="true"
UnhideWhenUsed="true" Name="Default Paragraph Font"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Body Text"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Body Text Indent"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List Continue"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List Continue 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List Continue 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List Continue 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List Continue 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Message Header"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="11" QFormat="true" Name="Subtitle"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Salutation"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Date"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Body Text First Indent"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Body Text First Indent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Note Heading"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Body Text 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Body Text 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Body Text Indent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Body Text Indent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Block Text"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Hyperlink"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="FollowedHyperlink"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="22" QFormat="true" Name="Strong"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="20" QFormat="true" Name="Emphasis"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Document Map"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Plain Text"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="E-mail Signature"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Top of Form"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Bottom of Form"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Normal (Web)"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Acronym"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Address"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Cite"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Code"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Definition"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Keyboard"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Preformatted"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Sample"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Typewriter"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Variable"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Normal Table"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="annotation subject"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="No List"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Outline List 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Outline List 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Outline List 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Simple 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Simple 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Simple 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Classic 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Classic 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Classic 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Classic 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Colorful 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Colorful 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Colorful 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Columns 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Columns 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Columns 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Columns 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Columns 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Grid 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Grid 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Grid 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Grid 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Grid 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Grid 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Grid 7"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Grid 8"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table List 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table List 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table List 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table List 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table List 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table List 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table List 7"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table List 8"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table 3D effects 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table 3D effects 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table 3D effects 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Contemporary"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Elegant"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Professional"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Subtle 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Subtle 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Web 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Web 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Web 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Balloon Text"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" Name="Table Grid"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Theme"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" Name="Placeholder Text"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="1" QFormat="true" Name="No Spacing"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" Name="Light Shading"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" Name="Light List"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" Name="Light Grid"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" Name="Medium Shading 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" Name="Medium Shading 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" Name="Medium List 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" Name="Medium List 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" Name="Medium Grid 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" Name="Medium Grid 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" Name="Medium Grid 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" Name="Dark List"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" Name="Colorful Shading"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" Name="Colorful List"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" Name="Colorful Grid"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" Name="Light Shading Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" Name="Light List Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" Name="Light Grid Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" Name="Revision"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="34" QFormat="true"
Name="List Paragraph"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="29" QFormat="true" Name="Quote"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="30" QFormat="true"
Name="Intense Quote"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" Name="Dark List Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" Name="Colorful List Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" Name="Light Shading Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" Name="Light List Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" Name="Light Grid Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" Name="Dark List Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" Name="Colorful List Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" Name="Light Shading Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" Name="Light List Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" Name="Light Grid Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" Name="Dark List Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" Name="Colorful List Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" Name="Light Shading Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" Name="Light List Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" Name="Light Grid Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" Name="Dark List Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" Name="Colorful List Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" Name="Light Shading Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" Name="Light List Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" Name="Light Grid Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" Name="Dark List Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" Name="Colorful List Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" Name="Light Shading Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" Name="Light List Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" Name="Light Grid Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" Name="Dark List Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" Name="Colorful List Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="19" QFormat="true"
Name="Subtle Emphasis"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="21" QFormat="true"
Name="Intense Emphasis"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="31" QFormat="true"
Name="Subtle Reference"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="32" QFormat="true"
Name="Intense Reference"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="33" QFormat="true" Name="Book Title"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="37" SemiHidden="true"
UnhideWhenUsed="true" Name="Bibliography"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" SemiHidden="true"
UnhideWhenUsed="true" QFormat="true" Name="TOC Heading"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="41" Name="Plain Table 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="42" Name="Plain Table 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="43" Name="Plain Table 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="44" Name="Plain Table 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="45" Name="Plain Table 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="40" Name="Grid Table Light"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46" Name="Grid Table 1 Light"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="Grid Table 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="Grid Table 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="Grid Table 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="Grid Table 5 Dark"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51" Name="Grid Table 6 Colorful"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52" Name="Grid Table 7 Colorful"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
Name="Grid Table 1 Light Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="Grid Table 2 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="Grid Table 3 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="Grid Table 4 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="Grid Table 5 Dark Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51"
Name="Grid Table 6 Colorful Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52"
Name="Grid Table 7 Colorful Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
Name="Grid Table 1 Light Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="Grid Table 2 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="Grid Table 3 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="Grid Table 4 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="Grid Table 5 Dark Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51"
Name="Grid Table 6 Colorful Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52"
Name="Grid Table 7 Colorful Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
Name="Grid Table 1 Light Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="Grid Table 2 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="Grid Table 3 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="Grid Table 4 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="Grid Table 5 Dark Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51"
Name="Grid Table 6 Colorful Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52"
Name="Grid Table 7 Colorful Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
Name="Grid Table 1 Light Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="Grid Table 2 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="Grid Table 3 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="Grid Table 4 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="Grid Table 5 Dark Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51"
Name="Grid Table 6 Colorful Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52"
Name="Grid Table 7 Colorful Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
Name="Grid Table 1 Light Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="Grid Table 2 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="Grid Table 3 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="Grid Table 4 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="Grid Table 5 Dark Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51"
Name="Grid Table 6 Colorful Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52"
Name="Grid Table 7 Colorful Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
Name="Grid Table 1 Light Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="Grid Table 2 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="Grid Table 3 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="Grid Table 4 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="Grid Table 5 Dark Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51"
Name="Grid Table 6 Colorful Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52"
Name="Grid Table 7 Colorful Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46" Name="List Table 1 Light"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="List Table 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="List Table 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="List Table 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="List Table 5 Dark"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51" Name="List Table 6 Colorful"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52" Name="List Table 7 Colorful"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
Name="List Table 1 Light Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="List Table 2 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="List Table 3 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="List Table 4 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="List Table 5 Dark Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51"
Name="List Table 6 Colorful Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52"
Name="List Table 7 Colorful Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
Name="List Table 1 Light Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="List Table 2 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="List Table 3 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="List Table 4 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="List Table 5 Dark Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51"
Name="List Table 6 Colorful Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52"
Name="List Table 7 Colorful Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
Name="List Table 1 Light Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="List Table 2 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="List Table 3 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="List Table 4 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="List Table 5 Dark Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51"
Name="List Table 6 Colorful Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52"
Name="List Table 7 Colorful Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
Name="List Table 1 Light Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="List Table 2 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="List Table 3 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="List Table 4 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="List Table 5 Dark Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51"
Name="List Table 6 Colorful Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52"
Name="List Table 7 Colorful Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
Name="List Table 1 Light Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="List Table 2 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="List Table 3 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="List Table 4 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="List Table 5 Dark Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51"
Name="List Table 6 Colorful Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52"
Name="List Table 7 Colorful Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
Name="List Table 1 Light Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="List Table 2 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="List Table 3 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="List Table 4 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="List Table 5 Dark Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51"
Name="List Table 6 Colorful Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52"
Name="List Table 7 Colorful Accent 6"/>
</w:LatentStyles>
</xml><![endif]--><!--[if gte mso 10]>
<style>
/* Style Definitions */
table.MsoNormalTable
{mso-style-name:"Table Normal";
mso-tstyle-rowband-size:0;
mso-tstyle-colband-size:0;
mso-style-noshow:yes;
mso-style-priority:99;
mso-style-parent:"";
mso-padding-alt:0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt;
mso-para-margin-top:0in;
mso-para-margin-right:0in;
mso-para-margin-bottom:8.0pt;
mso-para-margin-left:0in;
line-height:107%;
mso-pagination:widow-orphan;
font-size:11.0pt;
font-family:"Calibri",sans-serif;
mso-ascii-font-family:Calibri;
mso-ascii-theme-font:minor-latin;
mso-hansi-font-family:Calibri;
mso-hansi-theme-font:minor-latin;}
</style>
<![endif]-->
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
It feels “good” to care for domestic violence survivors; to
offer cell phones or other goods to shelters and programs; to donate money to
deserving organizations that do shelter, counseling, advocacy, and support for
victims of extreme harms. But there’s a reason why these victims take so long
to leave hurtful relationships, it has nothing to do with strength or weakness
and everything to do with our values.<br />
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
We don’t value domestic violence programs or services. If we
consider our monetary focus as value, in the United States it’s simple to see
we value sports and entertainment to the tune of hundreds of billions of
dollars. When we ask domestic violence programs to constantly find government
grants or fundraise to survive tells us a lot about the lack of value we have
for these services, and in the issue as a whole. Workers in domestic violence
agencies get paid poorly, get little recognition or support, and many key
services are staffed by volunteers (and sometimes interns) with little
training.<br />
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
History plays a big part in our apathy toward domestic
violence. It’s been a strong value for things in the home to stay in the home.
Sayings such as “a man’s house is his castle,” enforce ideas of patriarchy and
control on their own. The book, “Domestic Tyranny” by Elizabeth Pleck details
historical responses to domestic violence in the United States noting, “the
Puritans regarded outside intervention as disruptive, justifiable only to the extent that is restored family order.”<br />
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Yet this small community in colonial Massachusetts set out
to “reform the moral code” and address family violence in the mid-1600’s. They
did so through church-based courts. The practice ended in the early 1680’s when
Great Britain instituted colonial law.<br />
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Therefore, in some ways we cared about domestic violence in
the 1600’s - for about 40 years. Similarly, in the late 1800’s, the United
States had several “Societies for the Prevention of Cruelty to Children” which
worked to address family violence. This movement also lost momentum after 30-40
years. However, the care we showed in those years is similar to the care we
have today. We like to cover our asses within professional communities by
making sure we follow guidelines but don’t press much farther than that for
fear of stepping on too many toes.<br />
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
It’s no small coincidence that law
enforcement communities only started to step up their response to domestic
violence after Tracey Thurman sued the Torrington, CT police department for
failing to protect her from her violent husband (and won a $2.3 million
judgment). We care about losing money, and it’s a great motivator for change.<br />
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
But it is a strange place we find ourselves today regarding
how we address domestic violence. Funding, though minimal, exists for agencies
serving victims and survivors of domestic violence. Very little financial
support is provided for any work to guide change in domestic violence
offenders.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
For much of society, abusers are seen as incapable of
change. It is easy to demonize their behavior by focusing on things like I mentioned
in Part One of this article: to maximize the external harms and minimize our
culpability in societal support for violence against women and children. Since
we do not believe domestic violence offenders are human beings, we don’t think
they can change - we certainly do not want to provide money to agencies and
programs to try and stop violence and abuse.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
We’re a “lock ‘em up and throw away the key” sort of
country. Out of sight, out of mind – right?<br />
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Domestic violence intervention programs (aka batterer
intervention or other similar designations) are disorganized, poorly connected
to each other, often have superficial linkages to domestic violence counseling
and support agencies. We often use piecemeal models of intervention based more
on individual facilitator whim than concrete and effective tools and
educational lessons. We have very shoddy research on such programs, for the
most part, that investigate agencies and programs that use national models –
yet the national models themselves are not researched for effectiveness.<br />
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Then we have to consider what it even means to be effective
in domestic violence work: does it mean a victim/survivor gets out of an
abusive relationship and lives happily ever after? Does it mean an abuser
doesn’t get arrested again?<br />
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
A radical notion about domestic violence is that it is not a
mental health issue, it is not a substance abuse issue – it is a BELIEF issue; an
ENTITLEMENT issue. One could even argue it is a SPIRITUAL issue involving an
individual’s values and meaning in life that sit in places of personal
advantage and superiority. How do you measure those things? By surveying people
using 1-5 Likert scales? That seems a poor method of capturing how someone sees
value and meaning in their relationship with their partner and children.<br />
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I suppose we could conduct more longitudinal studies that
survey victims/survivors (and perpetrators) over several years – but surprise!
There’s no money in that, very little funding, or very specifically directed
funding sources that target traditional research methods.<br />
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Maybe it is the fact that domestic violence is an
entitlement and belief system issue that keeps us from caring about ending it,
or preventing it, or talking about it in a useful manner. Many societal values
are superficial – they involve rituals and practices that put a high priority
on being happy at the expense of being human. The so-called “American Dream”
was about acquisition, after all, not about relationships of care, health, and
support.<br />
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Previously discussed, Pleck details in her book that
historical systems of policy intervention in family violence have lasted 30-40
years. Perhaps we are at the end of that timeline in current history. It seems
unlikely services for domestic violence victims and survivors will just end. It
seems increasingly likely they will stagnate and miss working within
communities to change societal beliefs.<br />
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
It sadly appears there is little desire
to coordinate domestic violence intervention services for abusers as being a
critical part of ending domestic violence as a whole. We seem to be increasing
our ability to at least have the awkward and uncomfortable discussions about
oppression. Maybe we might start to see that intersectionality is a key to
understanding how to intervene in violence.<br />
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
It is my hope we truly start to care about domestic violence.
Frequently, I say I like to think about how people in a hundred years will look
back at the work we do today. How will they will see the failures and successes
in our responses? It keeps me moving forward in this work despite the
disheartening avoidance of facing the issue in real and authentic ways.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Note: “Domestic Tyranny” by Elizabeth Pleck can be found at <a href="http://www.press.uillinois.edu/books/catalog/87bwk5bk9780252029127.html">http://www.press.uillinois.edu/books/catalog/87bwk5bk9780252029127.html</a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
More information on “Thurman v. City of Torrington” can be
found at <a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Thurman_v._City_of_Torrington">https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Thurman_v._City_of_Torrington</a></div>
Christopher Hallhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14736385436432859371noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1010965936320411303.post-61937242652384570162016-10-26T16:42:00.000-04:002020-08-31T11:56:54.082-04:00We Don't Care About Domestic Violence - Part One<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
<o:OfficeDocumentSettings>
<o:AllowPNG/>
</o:OfficeDocumentSettings>
</xml><![endif]--><br />
<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
<w:WordDocument>
<w:View>Normal</w:View>
<w:Zoom>0</w:Zoom>
<w:TrackMoves/>
<w:TrackFormatting/>
<w:PunctuationKerning/>
<w:ValidateAgainstSchemas/>
<w:SaveIfXMLInvalid>false</w:SaveIfXMLInvalid>
<w:IgnoreMixedContent>false</w:IgnoreMixedContent>
<w:AlwaysShowPlaceholderText>false</w:AlwaysShowPlaceholderText>
<w:DoNotPromoteQF/>
<w:LidThemeOther>EN-US</w:LidThemeOther>
<w:LidThemeAsian>X-NONE</w:LidThemeAsian>
<w:LidThemeComplexScript>X-NONE</w:LidThemeComplexScript>
<w:Compatibility>
<w:BreakWrappedTables/>
<w:SnapToGridInCell/>
<w:WrapTextWithPunct/>
<w:UseAsianBreakRules/>
<w:DontGrowAutofit/>
<w:SplitPgBreakAndParaMark/>
<w:EnableOpenTypeKerning/>
<w:DontFlipMirrorIndents/>
<w:OverrideTableStyleHps/>
</w:Compatibility>
<m:mathPr>
<m:mathFont m:val="Cambria Math"/>
<m:brkBin m:val="before"/>
<m:brkBinSub m:val="--"/>
<m:smallFrac m:val="off"/>
<m:dispDef/>
<m:lMargin m:val="0"/>
<m:rMargin m:val="0"/>
<m:defJc m:val="centerGroup"/>
<m:wrapIndent m:val="1440"/>
<m:intLim m:val="subSup"/>
<m:naryLim m:val="undOvr"/>
</m:mathPr></w:WordDocument>
</xml><![endif]--><!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
<w:LatentStyles DefLockedState="false" DefUnhideWhenUsed="false"
DefSemiHidden="false" DefQFormat="false" DefPriority="99"
LatentStyleCount="371">
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="0" QFormat="true" Name="Normal"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" QFormat="true" Name="heading 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" SemiHidden="true"
UnhideWhenUsed="true" QFormat="true" Name="heading 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" SemiHidden="true"
UnhideWhenUsed="true" QFormat="true" Name="heading 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" SemiHidden="true"
UnhideWhenUsed="true" QFormat="true" Name="heading 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" SemiHidden="true"
UnhideWhenUsed="true" QFormat="true" Name="heading 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" SemiHidden="true"
UnhideWhenUsed="true" QFormat="true" Name="heading 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" SemiHidden="true"
UnhideWhenUsed="true" QFormat="true" Name="heading 7"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" SemiHidden="true"
UnhideWhenUsed="true" QFormat="true" Name="heading 8"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" SemiHidden="true"
UnhideWhenUsed="true" QFormat="true" Name="heading 9"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="index 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="index 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="index 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="index 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="index 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="index 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="index 7"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="index 8"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="index 9"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" SemiHidden="true"
UnhideWhenUsed="true" Name="toc 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" SemiHidden="true"
UnhideWhenUsed="true" Name="toc 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" SemiHidden="true"
UnhideWhenUsed="true" Name="toc 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" SemiHidden="true"
UnhideWhenUsed="true" Name="toc 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" SemiHidden="true"
UnhideWhenUsed="true" Name="toc 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" SemiHidden="true"
UnhideWhenUsed="true" Name="toc 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" SemiHidden="true"
UnhideWhenUsed="true" Name="toc 7"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" SemiHidden="true"
UnhideWhenUsed="true" Name="toc 8"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" SemiHidden="true"
UnhideWhenUsed="true" Name="toc 9"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Normal Indent"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="footnote text"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="annotation text"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="header"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="footer"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="index heading"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="35" SemiHidden="true"
UnhideWhenUsed="true" QFormat="true" Name="caption"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="table of figures"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="envelope address"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="envelope return"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="footnote reference"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="annotation reference"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="line number"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="page number"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="endnote reference"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="endnote text"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="table of authorities"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="macro"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="toa heading"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List Bullet"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List Number"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List Bullet 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List Bullet 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List Bullet 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List Bullet 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List Number 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List Number 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List Number 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List Number 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="10" QFormat="true" Name="Title"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Closing"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Signature"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="1" SemiHidden="true"
UnhideWhenUsed="true" Name="Default Paragraph Font"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Body Text"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Body Text Indent"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List Continue"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List Continue 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List Continue 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List Continue 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List Continue 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Message Header"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="11" QFormat="true" Name="Subtitle"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Salutation"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Date"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Body Text First Indent"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Body Text First Indent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Note Heading"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Body Text 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Body Text 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Body Text Indent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Body Text Indent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Block Text"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Hyperlink"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="FollowedHyperlink"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="22" QFormat="true" Name="Strong"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="20" QFormat="true" Name="Emphasis"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Document Map"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Plain Text"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="E-mail Signature"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Top of Form"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Bottom of Form"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Normal (Web)"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Acronym"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Address"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Cite"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Code"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Definition"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Keyboard"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Preformatted"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Sample"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Typewriter"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Variable"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Normal Table"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="annotation subject"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="No List"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Outline List 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Outline List 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Outline List 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Simple 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Simple 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Simple 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Classic 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Classic 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Classic 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Classic 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Colorful 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Colorful 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Colorful 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Columns 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Columns 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Columns 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Columns 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Columns 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Grid 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Grid 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Grid 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Grid 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Grid 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Grid 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Grid 7"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Grid 8"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table List 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table List 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table List 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table List 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table List 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table List 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table List 7"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table List 8"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table 3D effects 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table 3D effects 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table 3D effects 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Contemporary"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Elegant"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Professional"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Subtle 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Subtle 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Web 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Web 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Web 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Balloon Text"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" Name="Table Grid"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Theme"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" Name="Placeholder Text"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="1" QFormat="true" Name="No Spacing"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" Name="Light Shading"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" Name="Light List"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" Name="Light Grid"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" Name="Medium Shading 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" Name="Medium Shading 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" Name="Medium List 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" Name="Medium List 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" Name="Medium Grid 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" Name="Medium Grid 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" Name="Medium Grid 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" Name="Dark List"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" Name="Colorful Shading"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" Name="Colorful List"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" Name="Colorful Grid"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" Name="Light Shading Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" Name="Light List Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" Name="Light Grid Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" Name="Revision"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="34" QFormat="true"
Name="List Paragraph"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="29" QFormat="true" Name="Quote"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="30" QFormat="true"
Name="Intense Quote"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" Name="Dark List Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" Name="Colorful List Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" Name="Light Shading Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" Name="Light List Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" Name="Light Grid Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" Name="Dark List Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" Name="Colorful List Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" Name="Light Shading Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" Name="Light List Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" Name="Light Grid Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" Name="Dark List Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" Name="Colorful List Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" Name="Light Shading Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" Name="Light List Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" Name="Light Grid Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" Name="Dark List Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" Name="Colorful List Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" Name="Light Shading Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" Name="Light List Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" Name="Light Grid Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" Name="Dark List Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" Name="Colorful List Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" Name="Light Shading Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" Name="Light List Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" Name="Light Grid Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" Name="Dark List Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" Name="Colorful List Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="19" QFormat="true"
Name="Subtle Emphasis"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="21" QFormat="true"
Name="Intense Emphasis"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="31" QFormat="true"
Name="Subtle Reference"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="32" QFormat="true"
Name="Intense Reference"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="33" QFormat="true" Name="Book Title"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="37" SemiHidden="true"
UnhideWhenUsed="true" Name="Bibliography"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" SemiHidden="true"
UnhideWhenUsed="true" QFormat="true" Name="TOC Heading"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="41" Name="Plain Table 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="42" Name="Plain Table 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="43" Name="Plain Table 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="44" Name="Plain Table 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="45" Name="Plain Table 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="40" Name="Grid Table Light"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46" Name="Grid Table 1 Light"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="Grid Table 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="Grid Table 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="Grid Table 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="Grid Table 5 Dark"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51" Name="Grid Table 6 Colorful"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52" Name="Grid Table 7 Colorful"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
Name="Grid Table 1 Light Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="Grid Table 2 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="Grid Table 3 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="Grid Table 4 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="Grid Table 5 Dark Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51"
Name="Grid Table 6 Colorful Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52"
Name="Grid Table 7 Colorful Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
Name="Grid Table 1 Light Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="Grid Table 2 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="Grid Table 3 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="Grid Table 4 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="Grid Table 5 Dark Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51"
Name="Grid Table 6 Colorful Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52"
Name="Grid Table 7 Colorful Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
Name="Grid Table 1 Light Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="Grid Table 2 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="Grid Table 3 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="Grid Table 4 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="Grid Table 5 Dark Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51"
Name="Grid Table 6 Colorful Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52"
Name="Grid Table 7 Colorful Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
Name="Grid Table 1 Light Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="Grid Table 2 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="Grid Table 3 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="Grid Table 4 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="Grid Table 5 Dark Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51"
Name="Grid Table 6 Colorful Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52"
Name="Grid Table 7 Colorful Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
Name="Grid Table 1 Light Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="Grid Table 2 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="Grid Table 3 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="Grid Table 4 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="Grid Table 5 Dark Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51"
Name="Grid Table 6 Colorful Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52"
Name="Grid Table 7 Colorful Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
Name="Grid Table 1 Light Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="Grid Table 2 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="Grid Table 3 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="Grid Table 4 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="Grid Table 5 Dark Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51"
Name="Grid Table 6 Colorful Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52"
Name="Grid Table 7 Colorful Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46" Name="List Table 1 Light"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="List Table 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="List Table 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="List Table 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="List Table 5 Dark"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51" Name="List Table 6 Colorful"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52" Name="List Table 7 Colorful"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
Name="List Table 1 Light Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="List Table 2 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="List Table 3 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="List Table 4 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="List Table 5 Dark Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51"
Name="List Table 6 Colorful Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52"
Name="List Table 7 Colorful Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
Name="List Table 1 Light Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="List Table 2 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="List Table 3 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="List Table 4 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="List Table 5 Dark Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51"
Name="List Table 6 Colorful Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52"
Name="List Table 7 Colorful Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
Name="List Table 1 Light Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="List Table 2 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="List Table 3 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="List Table 4 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="List Table 5 Dark Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51"
Name="List Table 6 Colorful Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52"
Name="List Table 7 Colorful Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
Name="List Table 1 Light Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="List Table 2 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="List Table 3 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="List Table 4 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="List Table 5 Dark Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51"
Name="List Table 6 Colorful Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52"
Name="List Table 7 Colorful Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
Name="List Table 1 Light Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="List Table 2 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="List Table 3 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="List Table 4 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="List Table 5 Dark Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51"
Name="List Table 6 Colorful Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52"
Name="List Table 7 Colorful Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
Name="List Table 1 Light Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="List Table 2 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="List Table 3 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="List Table 4 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="List Table 5 Dark Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51"
Name="List Table 6 Colorful Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52"
Name="List Table 7 Colorful Accent 6"/>
</w:LatentStyles>
</xml><![endif]--><!--[if gte mso 10]>
<style>
/* Style Definitions */
table.MsoNormalTable
{mso-style-name:"Table Normal";
mso-tstyle-rowband-size:0;
mso-tstyle-colband-size:0;
mso-style-noshow:yes;
mso-style-priority:99;
mso-style-parent:"";
mso-padding-alt:0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt;
mso-para-margin-top:0in;
mso-para-margin-right:0in;
mso-para-margin-bottom:8.0pt;
mso-para-margin-left:0in;
line-height:107%;
mso-pagination:widow-orphan;
font-size:11.0pt;
font-family:"Calibri",sans-serif;
mso-ascii-font-family:Calibri;
mso-ascii-theme-font:minor-latin;
mso-hansi-font-family:Calibri;
mso-hansi-theme-font:minor-latin;}
</style>
<![endif]-->
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">What are the first images that come to mind when you hear
the term, “domestic violence”? Is it a woman with varying evidence of physical
assault upon her person? Bruises, cuts, broken bones? </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
</div>
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">
</span></span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">What popular movies do you think about when hearing the
category of “domestic violence”? “Sleeping With the Enemy”? “Enough”? How about
music? </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
</div>
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">
</span></span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">These questions can go on for some time about all sorts of
popular media and societal norms. The answers will invariably be the most
extreme behavior, the worst of the worst, violent and potentially lethal. But
why is this? Don’t we, on some level at least, realize domestic violence is
much broader, much bigger than just physical assault? </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
</div>
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">
</span></span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">Often we don’t. And therein lies the biggest place where we
really do not care about domestic violence.</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
</div>
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">
</span></span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">When we make things extreme, we do so to feel better about
ourselves, to feel “normal,” to avoid difficult questions, to create simple
solutions.</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
</div>
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">
</span></span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">Our society, our culture doesn’t care about a lot of social issues.
We certainly don’t care much about racism, because racism is other people –
extremes and horrible examples of behavior that everyone can readily see and
hear. Instead of white people identifying ways that personal stereotypes about People of Color are hurtful and potentially oppressive, it’s easy to claim “reverse
racism” focus on other’s behavior and hold to one’s own sense of innocence (and
superiority).</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
</div>
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">
</span></span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">We only think about people who are disabled when we see
handicapped spots in parking lots, or maybe accessibility ramps. But do we
think when we see such things, or do we just get used to them and therefore
feel uncomfortable when we see people struggling with their physical
surroundings? Maybe we think we should help, but do we really want to make the
effort? Do we think about mental health disabilities and the challenges people
face beyond externally visible physical ailments?</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
</div>
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">
</span></span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">It is October 2016 – which means it is Domestic Violence
Awareness Month, and therefore a time we are socially obliged to have some sort
of passing concern about domestic violence (and breast cancer awareness since
October shares both issues as an awareness month). Have you seen purple ribbons
around, or heard of various domestic violence agencies doing fundraisers? Maybe
you have seen a special news bulletin or article talking about statistics. Perhaps
you have heard a survivor’s story of successfully getting out of a horribly
abusive relationship. </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
</div>
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">
</span></span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">The problem is, as a society we like drama. We are caught up
in fantasy thinking based on images we have seen, movies we enjoy, things we
have heard from talking heads or from brief speeches on important issues. It is
a fantasy that domestic violence is about extremes.</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
</div>
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">
</span></span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">I’m here to tell you as human beings, we all do things that
are hurtful and controlling to those we love. Domestic violence offenders,
often referred to as batterers or abusers, make choices that lead to
consequences for this behavior. It’s more about the level of harm, the pattern of
harm, the responses to harm that differentiate these (often) men from the rest
of our society.</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
</div>
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">
</span></span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">Over nearly twenty years of facilitating and co-facilitating
group sessions for domestic and sexual offenders, I can count on one hand the
number of men I would consider to be sociopathic. The number increases if I
consider men who may not be physically assaultive, and instead are emotional
and psychological terrorists – but the number would not be much larger.</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
</div>
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">
</span></span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">Most men I see make a series of choices that have negative
consequences on their families (and on themselves). Their choices may include
emotional harms like yelling and swearing, name calling, or just simple
alienation of affection. Over time, a buildup of self-centered behavior, and/or
controlling patterns lead to coercing a partner or child do things they do not
want to do. These men who choose abusive behavior may be keeping those same
family members from doing things they want to do. </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
</div>
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">
</span></span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">In such cases, non-physical harms far exceed the physical
harms that victimize partners and children. Often the men I see have been
physically assaultive on one incident. It makes it much easier to excuse their
behavior, minimize impact, or blame others for their own choices.</span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">And our society allows that. </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
</div>
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="line-height: 107%;">We want to leave the door open for blaming women
for men’s violence – otherwise we would have to acknowledge that ALL men need
to consider their relationships with women in their lives. We want to focus on
extremes and on physical assault because it’s easier to dismiss the ways we
might make our loved ones sad, upset, uncomfortable, angry, or fearful of our
choices.</span></span></span>Christopher Hallhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14736385436432859371noreply@blogger.com4